tagHumor & SatireJoseph's Plumbing Service

Joseph's Plumbing Service


[Author's note: I knew something was up when the Missus and I had our usual Saturday morning breakfast at the diner. My normal order of two eggs sunny side up with one piece of bacon was not that unusual. The way it was presented was. When my order arrived, I was greeted by two yellow eyes surrounded by a white face. The garnish of a single strawberry was place just below the eyes looking very much like a clown nose. Beneath all this, was the piece of wavy bacon giving the impression of a wry smile. I commented on this silly face to the Missus and we both chuckled. Later, we decided to play a game of miniature golf. A little game that has all sorts of silly obstacles and pathways. After we laughed through that, we went to see a movie. Can't remember the name but it was some silly movie about toys or something. We were both hungry after the movie and settled on Urban Burger. To order, one presses the button at your booth with large friendly letters that spells 'Order'. When pressed, a robotic puppet appears from behind a door. His (or hers?) voice speaks. The jaw moves up and down out of sync with the voice which sounds like a cross between Lily Tomlin's telephone operator and Steve Martin's 'Excuuussee Me!' All it says are things like; 'Press your finger on the picture of what you wish to have in front of you.' 'Press the picture of what you want on your Urban Burger'. Each time we press a picture, the head spins around a couple of times and goes back through that door. Light music plays until the robot returns about fifteen seconds later ready for another finger push after speaking it's spiel. Our first time dining at Urban Burger, the Missus and I thought it was a silly way to order food. After the Missus and I had our Saturday evening, oh, how can I say, uh, not so silly intimate time, the following story crashed into my head and would not let me rest until it was fully documented. I now present it in all it's silliness.

This is a work of fiction. All characters and events are conceived in my mind and were born and raised in the bits and bytes on my computer.]


Eleven a.m. Thursday morning, Virginia, Joe's secretary, enters his office wearing jeans and white shirt that accentuates her dark wavy locks. Joe has casual dress rules as his business is a two person operation. Just Virginia and Joe. Joe contracts a CPA office to maintain the books. She is carrying a stack of papers which she places in the inbox. Joe is crunching some figures for a complex bid and doesn't acknowledge her.

"I really need to take tomorrow off."

"Mm huh." Joe grunts as he continues with his work.

Virginia moves behind the desk and starts caressing his chest, unbuttoning his shirt.

The figures Joe is crunching are now a different value and he looks into her eyes

"I really need to take tomorrow off. I'll do anything." She coos seductively and moves her hands to Joe's belt buckle.

"Uh..." Joe is getting ready to say 'sure, no problem'.

"Shhhh." Joe obeys.

Virginia deftly exposes Joe's half hard cock and within seconds he is feeling an enveloping wet warmth surrounding his manhood. He closes his eyes and becomes lost in the sensations he is feeling. Forgetting where he is. Who he is. What he is. There is only that ancient primal lust welling up.


The bells are going off in Joe's head.


Each chime of those bells brings Joe to new heights. He zooms across the galaxy as Virginia laps up the spent rocket fuel.


Joe realizes those bells are the telephone ringing and wonders why Gina (he's the only one who refers to her as Gina, rather than her proper name) doesn't answer the phone. As he comes out of his stupor, he sheepishly realizes why and picks up the receiver

"Joseph's Plumbing Service. How may I help you."

"I've got a bad leak. It keeps dripping and dripping."

"Well, ma'am, you called the right number. Whom am I speaking to?"

"You may call me Ms. Gillish. I live at 1269 Hernay Drive."

"I know the area, Ms. Gillish. Did a few jobs in that neighborhood."

"Yes. You come highly recommended."

"I am in a bit of a sticky situation now. I can probably take care of your leak, say around two o'clock?"

Gina is lapping her tongue around his shrinking rocket ship.

"It's leaking pretty bad, but I suppose I could use a towel to sop it up till then."

"That's good thinkin'. See you at two." He hangs up the phone and returns his attention to Gina.

"I really need to take tomorrow off. I've got all the billing done." She purrs again.

Joe chuckles. All week long, Gina has been chattering about her new friend, Jennifer. How pretty she is. How she treats her so nice. What she cooked her for dinner. And so on. She even showed up at the office to take Gina to lunch last Tuesday. Pretty blonde with gazoombas to die for. Joe is thinking that she wants to go off on a long weekend this three day holiday coming up. Virginia is the best thing that has happened to Joseph's Plumbing Service since she came along. All his other secretaries either couldn't type but had a great first voice for his business or it was the other way around. Some were less talented. When Virginia applied for the job, she was the person Joe had envisioned when he started his company. Six months after he hired her, his business doubled the amount of clients and he was almost in the enviable position of having to turn people down. Amazing what a friendly telephone voice and correct billing can do for a business. Joe dreaded the day that Gina would want to move on. He knew he would have a tough time finding another as competent as her. Not to mention the incredible mouth ministrations. That was icing on the icing on the icing... Well I hope you know what I mean.

"Tell you what. Why don't you get a head start and take off this afternoon. With pay. See you Tuesday."

"Oh, Joe! Really? Oh, wow!. You're the best." She kisses Joe full on the lips and leaves his office singing a made up song.

Joe makes a note to talk to his CPA to see if he could give her a raise. He ate his lunch at his desk finishing that bid. 1:15 finds Joe putting the final touches on his bid and trying to remember how the fax machine worked. He finally gets it sent by 1:30. Packing up his tool kit and work orders, he heads over to Hernay Drive. The clock in his vas read 2:07 when he pulls into Ms. Gillish's driveway. Grabbing his tool kit he makes his way to the front door. He presses the button.

"Who is it?" Ms. Gillish's voice speaks over the intercom.

"Joe from Joseph's Plumbing Service, ma'am."

"Thank god you're finally here. I'm by the pool."

Joe hears an electronic buzz and pushes open the door. Surveying the room he sees the patio door leading to the pool. As he walks into the pool area, he nose is assaulted by that all too familiar aroma that all plumbers know in the still air. He finds Ms. Gillish on a chaise lounge.

"Afternoon ma'am. I'm Joe. Sorry I'm late. What seems to be the problem?"

"Oh, my pipes are leaking and I can't seem to make them stop." He notices the soaked towel beneath her pipes.

"Yes, ma'am. It appears to be a classic case of clogged plumbing but I need to investigate a little further."

Joe kneels next to the leaking plumbing and sniffs.

"Yes, ma'am. It appears to be clogged, but I need a few more tests to be sure."

"Please! Just stop the leak!"

"Yes, ma'am. That's what I am here for."

Joe, being the consummate professional that he is, tastes the effluent. He tastes it again. And again. And again.

"It's leaking more." Ms. Gillish cries.

"Yes ma'am." Joe replies between laps. You have a blockage in your pipes that is going to take some work to get out. We are starting to unclog it." He tastes some more then comes to a decision.

"I think the only way to clear your blockage is with my snake."

Joe takes his tool out of his kit.

"It's so big!" Ms. Gillish exclaims.

Joe is wordless as he uncoils his snake down her drain.

"Oh, my." Ms. Gillish pants as Joe shoves his snake in, then pulling it out, then pushing it back in. Back and forth. Forth and back. Over and over again. Joe starts working his snake more aggressively. This is a big stoppage he thinks to himself. Finally he feels the stoppage is broken up enough.

"Ms. Gillish? It's time to clear that blockage out."

"Oh! Yes!! Yes11! Yes1!!!"

Joe flips that switch and releases a torrent of fluids up Ms. Gillish's plumbing.

"Oh! I think it's working! Yes! It's working!! Yes!! Yes!!! YYYEEESSS!!!"

Joe rewinds his snake and puts it back in his tool kit.

"What's this white stuff coming out of my plumbing?" Ms. Gillish pants.

'Ma'am, I am afraid that is a trade secret but I can say it is formulated to clear blockages."

"Well! It certainly cleared mine."

"Well, then it did it's work. Though I must say, this was a difficult job. I was wondering how long has it been since you had your pipes cleaned?"

"My ex-husband used to take care of them but he found a younger woman and moved away."

"And how long ago was that?"

"About two years."

"Ah, ha! I see your problem. You need your pipes reamed out at least every six months if not sooner. Do you have a steady plumber?"

"I would love to have you clean out my pipes every six months. My friends were not wrong in their recommendation."

"Here's my card. Call my secretary on Tuesday and we can get you scheduled for a regular cleaning."

"I'll do that. I hope this check covers your services this time."

"You are more than generous." Joe's cell phone rings.

"Excuse me." Joe strolls to the front door with his cell phone in his ear."

"Yes, ma'am. Plumbing problems, you say. Yes. 619 Sectsal Drive? Yes, I have done some work in that neighborhood. Yes, I am just finishing up a job and can investigate your problem when I get there in about a half an hour. Yes, ma'am. Ok, see ya then."

"It was nice meeting you Ms. Gillish. We'll see you in about six months."

"I'm looking forward to it, though I tend to fill my pipes. Maybe you can come back in three months or sooner."

"You have to talk to my secretary, Gina. She keeps track of my appointments."

Tuesday morning, Gina bounces in the office and gives Joe a big wet kiss on the lips.

"Thanks so much for the time off. It was a good thing."

"That's good. I'm happy for you."

"Uh. Jennifer mentioned she has some plumbing problems."

"I'd be happy to help."

"This weekend at her cabin by the lake? Maybe you can show us your technique."

"My technique is a trade secret, but for you, I'll divulge a little."

"Ooh! You're the best. I'll call Jennifer and tell her the good news."

Joe starts working on a new plumbing bid but, in a corner of his mind, he is thinking about the problems Jennifer has and that new trade secret he discovered over the holiday.

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