Josh Henderson's St. Patrick's DaybyMy Erotic Tail©
"It's true I tell ya, It's true." Josh Henderson spouts. An apparent elderly man of many years. His gray hair flared outwards with his excited voice and shaking hands. The bar was not crowded, just a couple men with disbelief brow and shunning jests. A small group sat at a distant table with no interest to his ranting. The dimly lit smoky bar was modestly decorated with beer banners and shamrocks.
They bellowed out with laughter and wise cracks. The comedian being Josh Henderson, the local drunk. He had been around this town for as long as any one can remember. Telling the same story year after year.
The festive day of green and Leprechauns, St. Patrick's Day was here again as was Josh with his annual tale. His haunting story he told every day but especially St. Patrick day. His breath reeked strong of whiskey and his aroma was musty. The bar-keep continued wiping the counter while Josh spat his yarn.
"I was walking in the rain along the sandy brook over yonder by the willows. When I seen the wee people." Sat his shot glass down and wiped his mouth with his old jacket's sleeve. "Those Fairies." He blurted out angrily.
"It was Fairies that did you, old Josh?" Asked the bartender laughing.
"No, it was the Leprechauns, I done told you." Josh blurted out with excitement. Waving his frail hands and shaking them at the bartender. "Those little tricksters nailed me in the key'ster." He said with excitement and drank down another hardy swallow of his whiskey then wiped his mouth again with his sleeve in one long swipe.
"Oh, ok." The bartender laughed looking at the two gentlemen at the end of the bar. Swiveling in their barstools while laughing loudly at Josh's animated tale.
"I was soaking wet from the pouring rain too. I might add, it was a bit cold. So me little fellow was quite small." Josh nursed his drink then jest for another.
"The Leprechauns were small?" The bartender asked while pouring Josh another shot of whiskey.
"No, my wee willy was small from the cold. Ya, know how it is when the wonder wand shrivels up into a clover from the bite of the cold." Josh shows with his fingers description of size between his thumb and index finger.
"Your cock shrunk up from the cold?" One of the men at the end of the bar shouted laughing.
"Exactly." Josh said winking and swaying from his intoxication. Pointing his finger at the man shaking it. "Pissed the little buggers off, too." He said with pride. "I was coming by the willows when I crossed the bridge and heard one of them crying." Josh said and took a sip of his courage.
The men at the end of the bar and the bar-keep huddled among themselves whispering and laughing at the old man's tale. Playing it off that he was either very drunk or senile.
"I help the little tike or so I thought. Out from under the bridge and down the shady trail to the Evans's old barn. I kindly took my coat and sheltered him from the rain." Josh shook his head up and down. "Yes I did, didn't want the little tike to melt from the rain." Josh sipped his drink then smacking his lips he continued. "I helped the little man dressed in green bout, yeh high." Putting his hand out to his waist, staggering.
"And another thing." Josh started. "They don't melt in the rain. The little vermin lied to me. Tricked me into helping him into the barn on that rainy day, he did." Old man Josh spewed his tale with mumbling words that entertained the bar occupants. "Once I was in the barn those little fairies grabbed me and pulled me to a beam and tied me there, they did." Excited and rambling with his words and story.
"The fairies did?" The bar-keeper said laughing and snickering, knowing it would just fire old Josh up again.
"No, I told you it was the Leprechauns that took their liberties with my arse." Josh planted his elbows on the bar frustrated with his lack of communication. "They were supposed to grant me three wishes I thought. If you help a Leprechaun aren't they suppose to give ya three wishes?" Josh asked the barkeeper excitedly.
The bartender shrugged and looked around at the rest of Josh's audience, shrugging their shoulders at each other. "Don't know Josh. So what happen?" The bartender egged him on with a snicker.
"They said that they had a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. If I answered 3 questions right; I got the gold." He said with a low rumble and all listeners perked up to his words.
"Gold?" rang out from several listeners at the same time. The old mans tale suddenly got interesting. The questions flooded Josh's ears. "Where?" and "How much gold old man." The questions faded as Josh began again.
"Well yeah gold. But I had to answer their questions and if I was wrong, well. Let me tell you it was no picnic." Josh shook his old and slightly bent finger at them.
"What kind of questions, Josh?" The bar-keep giggled while asking.
"Well I don't know the kind of questions a man full of spirits shouldn't try to answer that's all I remember. Hard questions. The kind a scientist would scratch his chin over, I can tell ya that." Josh sipped his whiskey and sat down the empty glass and pointed for another. The spectators for this little act laughed and mocked him cheerfully. The center of the St. Patrick's day nightly entertainment.
"Those little buggers pulled down my pants and saw my freezing cold wee willy. Pissed them off it did." Josh laughed while another full shot glass sat before him. He licked his lips and twisted the glass gazing at it like a crystal ball. As if seeing his memories in the mesmerizing color. "So they said they would have to go to plan B." Josh blurts before taking a deep shot of the whiskey.
"Plan B? What was that Old man?" One of the listeners yelled.
"Well they bent me over and tied me head with rope to my knees that kept me bent like a saloon pretzel. Those little vermin where nymphs I tell ya." Josh mumbled and cursed while savoring another sip.
"Now Josh they were Leprechauns, fairies and nymphs in the barn?" The bar-keep teased, knowing it would fuel the old mans tale again.
"No those little buggers were Leprechauns I tell ya. Believe me I know a Leprechaun when I see one. Those little nymphs drove something right up my ass-sk me where?" Josh slid into another word trying to be polite and looking at the ladies that were far from him and not paying him any attention but he was being polite just the same. Winking at the bar-keep he whispered. "They took their liberties with my wee hole." Sliding along the bars rail and almost falling and catching himself.
A burst of laughter came from the end of the bar where most of Josh's listeners were sitting. All eyes seem to watch Josh's one man show of swaying rubbery legs and shaking excited hands. His voice was squeaky as he cleared his throat and made an attempt to tuck his shirt in.
"There I was bent like a banana and couldn't move. Them little fingers fondled me privates and bless their little hearts were kind enough to lube up me...exhaust." Josh looked around to be sure he was in proper company for his story."
"Plan B, was the Butt pluck. I have no earthly idea what plan A was, but plan B was no picnic." Josh winked with a grin. Eyes barely open from his drunken state of mind.
"I opened my mouth to let out a mighty yell, and those little heathens stuck an apple in my mouth. One of those green apples too. I hate green apples. Now a red one, well their scrumptious but no they had some mental mind reading thing I bet cause they gave me a green apple." Josh slammed back his whiskey shot and wiped his mouth with his sleeve.
"BAM." Josh covered his mouth and his eyes widened. His blurting out made him shyly coward into the bar. Then he looked at the bar keep. "They did me." Whispering lightly. "Rammed me rear with impact. Bam, bam, bam." Josh looked around to see who was listening then motioned for another shot. The bar tender chuckled as he poured Josh another.
"Thank you, Thank you, kind sir." Josh said as he wrapped his fingers around the glass and twirled it. Slowly turning it round and round as if in a fixed stare. "They had their way with me arse. Little buggers laughing while I stand bent in me knickers. Probing and laughing, telling me I was paying the penalty for not answering them there questions." Josh had a saddened moment and was quiet.
The bar-keep played his roll to keep the story alive. "Josh, what did the nymphs do?" Then stood back and giggled.
"Nymphs? Oh, the wee people, their nymphomaniacs. Why else would they gain pleasure in reaming an old man in the anal longitude?" Shaking his fist with one hand and holding his shot glass with the other. "They had their fun till they tired of me."
The bar keep walked along the backside of the bar and then back again. "What did they do? Fly away?" He asked chuckling.
"Of course not, They're not fairies with wings. Their fairies as in little men with impulse to project things in a mans posterior region." Josh shook his head trying to act dignified with his statement. "They were true blue Leprechauns I tell ya. Little green men bout yeh high." Putting his hand to his waist again.
"Little green men? You could be talking about Aliens?" The remarks flew from those paying attention to this drama-tised en-actment.
"No they weren't aliens, they were bonafied Leprechauns I tell ya." Josh was tiring from his constant attempt to keep clear his meanings. "They were little Leprechauns in little green suits and they all dressed alike." The old man took pride in his statement to clear that up. Taking another sip of his drink and setting the glass down with much caution.
"So what happen?" The bar-keep trying to get to end of his tale.
"Nothing. They left, laughing and giggling out the door into the rain like it was nothing. Leprechauns don't melt in the rain. And if one tells ya they do, you tell him Josh Henderson has enlightened you to their trickery." He bowed up with pride at his name. Smiling as he finished his shot of whiskey and wiped his mouth on his sleeve with one long swipe. "Well I best be going. Got me-self a bit of a walk home ya know."
"Well how did you get free Josh?" One of the men at the end of the bar asked.
"Well there was one nice one. Kind hearted lass. Come back and untied me." Josh looked at the men at the end of the bar. "There are a few nice ones ya know." He smiled and waved, swaggering towards the door.
"Ok Josh, want me to call you a cab?" The bartender asked while picking up his glass and wiping down the counter in front of him. Josh staggered a lot and steadied his legs.
"No worries my friend, I only live a few blocks away. I'll be fine. Been walking that way since before you was born." Josh opened the door and half turned and waved as he swayed out and the bar broke out in laughter.
"You be careful old man." The bartender said with concern. The bartender walked slowly to the door and looked out the window and saw Josh making his way along the sidewalk. He watched the old man till he was nearly out of sight when he went back to the bar.
The little group huddled at the end of the bar laughing and recalling Josh's comical words. Snickers and laughs came from the men hashing out the old mans mentality.
The front door opened to the tiny icehouse and all eyes glanced at the man in the doorway. Standing about 4' and dressed in a green suit. The little man asked. "Where is Josh Henderson?"
The bartender looked at the man with a startled look. Glancing to be sure his fellow laughing squad saw what he saw as he raised his hand and pointed in the direction Josh had walked. Not saying a word but frozen in thought staring.
"Thank you." The little man in green said as he hurried in the direction the barkeep had pointed.
Then as the door shut, the bartender finally looks back at the two men at the bar. They were all quiet now and looking at each other till one said. "Why did you point and tell him where old Josh went?"
The bartender looking confused and quiet for a moment. Then spoke. "I don't know. Those Leprechauns have mind control or something." He said calmly then blurted out laughing. Followed by the two men's bouts of laughter as they all trumpeted a wave of cheers. The bartender took a long look at the door with silence, wondering.