Josh's Journal Ch. 07

I didn't want to wake up this morning. Its just one of those days you want to stay in bed. The sky was looking like rain all day, but there wasn't a drop until right before after school practice. It got to the point that practice was cut short. I hope that doesn't hurt us for the game.

Ayden told me he was going to come over after he made sure his sisters were safe. Apparently when he came home the baby had a messy diaper and none of the girls had been fed since he'd given them breakfast that morning. Some people just shouldn't have kids.

While I'm waiting for him, I've been just poking around the Internet. No porn though. Whenever I try to watch it now, I think about what Ayden did out of desperation and I wonder if the people in the videos are that desperate too. I start to feel guilty watching it. Instead I've been Googling the logistics of anal sex. I feel weird doing that, but if Ayden and I ever get to that point, I want to know what to do so I don't end up hurting him. I don't know when it will be. Half of me (the lower half), wants it to be now, but the other half wouldn't mind waiting.

I think I love him or at least I'm really close to loving him.

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One of my daydreams came true when Ayden came over and I have to say it's better than I pictured it. I keep playing it over and over in my head, like a movie.

We had the house to ourselves because my mom wasn't home yet. He was soaking wet because the rain was really bad. Once he got inside he was shivering in his wet clothes. I offered him some of my clothes to change into. I was trying to be a gentleman, so I didn't jump on him right then. Instead I waited outside the bathroom while he changed into a pair of my pajama pants and a shirt. The clothes were really big on him, almost falling off.

We went to room and he sat on the bed. I sat at my desk because I knew if I was on the bed with him I'd be all over him. "How are your sisters?" I asked.

He smiled slightly. "They're good. Wondering when you're going to take them to get pizza again."

I laughed. "Well, maybe next weekend I'll take them."

"They'd love that."

"Good. I'm glad. Usually kids don't like me."

"They aren't hard to please," he said, smiling a bit more. "I need to thank Kitty again for all that stuff. We really needed it. My parents both get disability checks, but sometimes that's not enough and well...my dad refuses to let any of his money go to my sisters because they aren't really his. And he always knows if I try to use it. He makes me bring receipts. I guess he wouldn't be able to do anything about it if I did use it but...I guess the memories..." He pushed his wet hair out of his face and took a deep breath. "Sorry."

"It's alright. You can talk to me." I really wanted him to talk to me, to tell me more. I wanted him to get it out and more importantly I wanted to help him feel better.

He looked around my room at my posters like he was evaluating the teams I had represented there. He looked at my pile of sports equipment in the corner. "I just...I didn't think..."

I held up my hand to stop him. "I hope you'll stop seeing me as the dumb jock and start seeing me as someone who cares about you. Because I do care."

He blushed. "I don't think you're dumb."

"Really now?"

"I always knew you were different. You've always seemed smart to me. And like you cared a lot. You're the only one that never made fun of me."

I shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant about it, but inside I was dancing. He remembered that I'd never bullied him. Which meant he'd noticed me. I don't know why that means so much to me but it really does. "I wish they wouldn't do that to you," I said.

He shrugged and said, "It's not so bad." But I could tell he was lying.

"Ayden, I'm going to try as hard as I can to get them to stop." He smiled, but didn't look like he believed me. "I'm serious."

"I know you are, Josh, but those people won't change."

"Well, they suck," I said and it sounded a lot like I was pouting.

Ayden laughed a little bit. "You're so...I hate to keep saying different but, you really are."

That made me do that little mental happy dance thing again. "I don't mind it. I want to show you I'm not like everyone else."

"You're doing a good job so far," he said. The look in his eyes made it clear it would be OK for me to join him on the bed so I did.

I settled comfortably beside Ayden and put my arm around him. He laid his head on my chest and just that simple action made me get a little hard. I shifted a little bit to allow some room in my pants.

We laid like that for a while. I started playing with his hair. I could feel the heat coming off of his skin. He looked up at me, his eyes so wide and innocent. I pressed my lips against him, moving so that he was laying flat on his back and I was straddling his hips. When I looked down, I could see that he was just as turned on as me. I pressed my hips to his and rocked them back and forth a little. He gasped, staring up at me with a look that was a mixture of surprise and pleasure.

I kissed him again, pressing my tongue into his mouth. I love how he always tastes like mint. I ran my tongue over his teeth and he pressed his tongue against mine. He moaned a little bit when I started moving my hips again. I felt like I was going to cum just from that, just from mimicking the motions of having sex with him. I liked how he looked up at me, how his legs were wrapped around my waist, and how his hands squeezed my shoulders.

I kissed down his jaw, to his neck. The first marks I'd left had already faded and I got that caveman urge to mark him as my own again. I bit and sucked at his neck, earning a gasp and a moan. Suddenly, his hand shot down into my back pocket and started to push my hips against his faster and harder. I trailed kisses back up his jaw to his mouth.

He quickly moved his hands down to my fly, undoing the button and the zipper fairly quickly even though his hands were shaking. I rested on the palms of my hands and looked at him. His lips were wet and red from our kissing. He was blushing a little bit and his eyes were like an open book showing how much he wanted me.

I rolled to the side and he straddled my lap. I peeled the shirt he was wearing off of him and ran my hand down his chest. His little pink nipples hardened to points and he let out a soft moan when I pinched them at the same time.

He kissed me and I was surprised at how much I like having him on top of me, kissing me. The surprised feeling faded quickly and I think it'll start fading more and more. Being with him feels natural. I pulled my shirt over my head and he looked down at my tanned abs. He looked at me a little uncertainly and tried to obscure my view of his body by ducking down and hugging me.

I massaged his back. His skin is just so warm and smooth. My hands just traveled on their own it seemed, down to his ass. I love his ass. It's the perfect size to get a good grip on. I used that grip to pull his body forward so I could get my mouth on one of his nipples. I licked it and sucked it until it was a little red, but Ayden just kept moaning and panting. He was loving it and I was loving how much he was loving it.

After that, Ayden was brave enough to reach his hand into my boxers and smear a bit of the pre-cum on the head of my dick. My whole body jerked in reaction to that, but I didn't want him to go much further. I wanted to make him feel good.

I put an arm around him and rolled him onto his back. My hard cock escaped my jeans in the process and his hand wrapped around it immediately. I licked at his collarbone and ended up leaving another hickey on him because his hand moving up and down my shaft felt so good.

I kissed my way down his stomach and he had to let go of my cock. I could see the outline of his erection against the material of the pajama pants he'd borrowed. I kissed around the outline and he squirmed a little bit, gasping and grabbing a handful of the comforter. I pulled the elastic of the waistband down, but stopped before his cock was free.

I was really nervous, more nervous than I'd ever been. This was obviously my first time sucking a guy's cock and I hoped that I wasn't going to be bad at it. From the way Ayden reacted, I think I did a pretty good job.

I pulled his pants down and his dick snapped up against his smooth stomach. His whole body is just so smooth. I started off slow, wrapping my hand around his cock and moving my fist up and down. It seemed surreal when I did it, but I wasn't scared or shocked at all. It felt natural. I licked the head of his cock and he took in a sharp breath.

I kept licking his cock. It tasted a little salty, but mostly it was just warm and smooth like the rest of him. He was rock hard and breathing fast. I put my lips around just the head of his cock and swirled my tongue around. His hips thrust forward a little when he softly moaned and I allowed him to slide further into my mouth. It was a weird feeling, just not what I'm used to, but I really like it. I especially like how loud he moaned when I took in as much as I could. There was maybe an inch or two my gag reflex wouldn't allow, but otherwise I think I'm pretty good at it. I moved my head up and down and his cock slid in and out of my mouth. I took it all in and sucked, swirling my tongue around as I let it slide out of my mouth.

The best part came when Ayden suddenly grabbed a fistful of my hair. I looked up at him. His eyes were closed and his mouth was open, mid-moan. His hips bucked forward and a shot of heat hit the back of my throat. His cum coated my entire mouth, a new but kind of great taste. He moaned and his breathing was fast as he moved his hips forward a little with every throb of his cock. I kept sucking, pausing to swallow once. When he was done I let his cock fall out of my mouth and swallowed the rest.

I rolled over again and settled next to him. He looked up at me, I'm pretty sure it was in awe.

"You..." he said. Just that.

"Did you like that?" I asked.

He nodded, giving me a quick kiss. "I didn't...I didn't expect that. I've never actually...uhm, never had a guy do that. I've only ever done it for other people."

I messed up his hair and kissed his forehead. "I'm glad you liked it."

"Do you want me to..."

The answer came naturally to me. I didn't even think. "If you want to." I meant that. I honestly got satisfaction just from making him happy.

"I want to," he whispered. Of course I was glad he said that, but I still would have held him if he'd said no.

He moved down my body to my cock and took the whole thing in his mouth. My toes literally curled. And there it was, my constant wet dream coming true. His long bangs touched my stomach, making my entire body even more sensitive to him. His mouth was so warm and wet. He was amazing. The metal snakebite piercings created a great sort of feeling as they glided up and down my shaft while he bobbed his head. I grabbed his hair and he moaned while sucking my cock. That just pushed me over the edge. My hips slammed forward as I came.

When looked up, I saw that he had my jizz on his chin and lips. I really wish I could have taken a picture of it. He looked so damn sexy that if I hadn't just came I would have then. He licked away the cum he could reach with his tongue and I reached down, gathering what he hadn't gotten already on my finger. He sucked it off my finger. Just sucked it right off.

Then my second fantasy came true. I wrapped him in my arms and he drifted off to sleep. I still can't believe it happened. It was so amazing. At this point, I have no doubts. I'm gay. And I love Ayden.

I want to tell him, but I don't want to freak him out. I really had to bite my tongue not to say it when he was pulling his clothes out of the dryer and getting dressed to go back home. Watching him leave was torture.

Mom got home ten minutes after he left with Chinese takeout, but I didn't want to eat. I could still taste hints of his cum and his minty mouth.

I must have been smiling a lot because Mom then said the one thing that killed my buzz. "Wow, you must really like this girl you've been going out with. When am I going to meet her?"

Fuck. I never mentioned the break up and so now Mom thinks I'm lovesick over Chelsea.. I went into panic mode and came straight to bed. I still don't have any idea what I'm going to do. I'd rather not worry about that right now, but still. I tend to worry sometimes.

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I got to the school a lot earlier than I intended to because I wanted to avoid talking to my mom. It should be easy since today is game day and the bus ride is going to be really long. In fact, I just got on the bus and will be on here a few hours. Ayden won't be going with us because he had to work. I'm glad for that. I mean, I wish that he could be with me but the guys on the team would harass him. I'm scared for the next time he rides on the bus with us. I'm just going to have to put him in the seat with me and not let anyone near him.

I also wish that Kitty was here. I just texted her about hooking up with Ayden, minus all the details that are still playing over and over in my mind. I basically just said that Ayden and I are pretty much a couple now, I just haven't officially asked him. I'm going to. I had the idea earlier to ask him in front of his sisters. I bet they'd love that and he likes seeing them happy, so I want them to witness it.

Hopefully it'll be something they can tell to our adopted kids, if we decide to do that. Yeah...I couldn't sleep last night so I let myself come up with this whole future for us that probably won't ever happen. Still, its nice to picture it. I never thought I'd be having a white picket fence daydream at all and definitely never thought the person next to me on the front porch swing would be a guy. But I want Ayden with me.

I'm a little scared at how fast I've fallen for him now that I'm not trying to fight falling. I'm nervous that he doesn't feel the same way. What if I'm just making a fool of myself? Love is stupid. I'm pretty sure if I weren't still feeling residual ecstasy from the other day with Ayden, I'd be weeping right now. Why is this so hard to figure out? I do love him. I don't feel weird saying that. What I feel weird about is telling people. I shouldn't have to feel that way.

I imagine Kitty is still squealing on the band bus judging by the number of smiley faces and exclamation points in the text I just got from her. But besides that, she also reassured me that everything is going to be OK.

I'm gonna try to believe her.

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Surprise, we lost the game. Wait, that's not a surprise. It just pisses me off so much. The other guys on the team are still acting like dumb asses. Toward the end of the game they were actually on the sidelines talking about where the parties were going to be. While the game was still going on. I'm going to try to sleep for the rest of this bus ride so I don't end up getting myself in trouble.

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Ayden called me really early this morning and I almost didn't wake up. I must have sounded still half asleep on the phone because he immediately started apologizing and saying it didn't matter and for me to go back to sleep. Finally I got him to go ahead and tell me what he'd called for.

"I just...wondered if you could come over and help me out...I'm sick."

He did sound sort of stuffed up and hell I would have gone for any reason. I ran out to my truck and was at his house in record time.

He answered the door in pajamas. His hair was sticking up a little on one side and his nose was red. He looked happy to see me, but that was diminished by a fit of coughing. He braced himself against the door frame until it passed.

"Hey," I said as I hugged him. Germs don't bother me. I have an immune system of steel.

"Thank you for coming over," he said. His voice was a little raspy. He shuffled back to their kitchen where he was boiling water for macaroni and cheese.

His mom waddled into the kitchen and shoved past him on her way to the refrigerator. "Faggot, I told you to bring your dad and I some food first," she said.

I was about to go off on her, but the little girls had noticed me and rushed in. "Are we going for pizza?" Mary asked excitedly.

"Pizza, pizza," the twins chanted.

"Peepa," the baby cooed.

His mom waddled off giving me a dirty look that I made sure to reciprocate.

"No pizza today," I said. "We're going to take care of your big brother. He doesn't feel good."

The three youngest ones looked disappointed, but Mary surprised me by cheering them up. "We get to be doctors!" she said. Her enthusiasm spread.

They pulled Ayden by the hands and he gave me a grateful look. I finished up making lunch for his sisters. When I called them to come eat, they wouldn't come. They had pulled out boxes of band-aids and found a toy stethoscope and were ready to start 'surgery'. I finally got them to go on 'lunch break' and while they ate I sat next to Ayden, who was laying on a mattress that rested on the floor next to a pile of clothes. "Uh...this is my room," he said shyly, coughing a little.

His room was sort of messy with clothes and shoes thrown wherever and a pile of Cds in the corner not even stacked up. My inner neat freak was silent and I actually found his sloppiness a little cute.

"Still feeling bad?" I asked.

He nodded. "I'm sorry to bother you I just didn't know who else to call and I didn't think I could keep taking care of them much longer. I'm so tired."

I nodded. "You rest. I'll take care of your sisters."

I spent the rest of the day with the little kids. I had to compromise with them to get them to leave Ayden alone and ended up being the patient in their doctor game. They quickly figured out I'm a push over so I was into round two hundred and fifty of piggy back rides when Ayden shuffled out of his room.

I stood up immediately and went to him. He looked a lot better. "How do you feel?" I asked.

He smiled. "Good. I think a nap was just what I needed. I didn't expect you to stay for so long."

I looked at the clock and realized my mom was probably wondering where I was, but I didn't want to leave Ayden just yet. I made him a cup of broth and watched his sip it until it was gone. I made a quick dinner for his sisters and then hugged him good bye for a long time. He didn't want me to get sick, so he wouldn't let me kiss his mouth. I wish he would have though. Instead, I had to make do with just kissing his forehead.