Journey Into Electric Darkness

Epilogue:

Despite the unbelievable extent of my exploration into the dark world of self-torture I remained haunted by an unreachable fantasy of inducing so much pain it would cause loss of consciousness. It was arousing just picturing myself from above, bound and naked body laying unconscious on the bed in a cold sweat but still jerking around from the shocks. I never did find a way to reach that point on my own. A fourth round with those old batteries or a continuous 4 hour round with today's longer-lasting batteries would have done it but that would have been cheating since it would have been caused by exhaustion and not the pain itself. Passing out from sheer instantaneous pain would have likely required doubling the amount of electricity and that would have clearly done severe permanent damage. All these years later you can read about that in fantasy torture stories on the web. People suddenly screaming one big scream from an electric shock (funny too, it is usually in the rectum) and then passing out. Let me tell you it is a whole lot more difficult to cause loss of consciousness from rectal pain in real life and you probably cant do it using electricity without causing third degree burns or worse so just leave that scenario for the fiction.

I spent four more years heading down this path. Maybe I will write more about those years but this first year was the big one for me where the pattern was set and the kink was formed. Eventually, I realized that this insane quest for ever increasing pain and risk was leading to something permanent and bad. My will to survive was stronger than my desire so I simply quit cold-turkey and pushed it all deep into the back of my mind. Jumping to the modern age of the Internet it became possible to safely share this story and find people with similar interests. There are some experiences to tell there as well.