Julie Ch. 18

"Yeah, sure," Ashlee countered. "But... a guy like Gary may be dependable and faithful and give you all sorts of security, but something's missing. Right?"

"But I didn't know that," Julie replied. "And I never would have, if I hadn't put myself in that position."

"Okay, that may be true," Ashlee conceded. "But if you could go back to the way you were before, wipe out any memory of this guy, would you?"

"Oh, that's realistic!" laughed Julie.

"Come on!" Ashlee persisted. "You know what I'm getting at. Would you?" Julie sat and sipped her wine thoughtfully for a moment. Would she want to have the fairy tale back? Never know what a man like Greg was like? It would be easy if it were possible to erase Greg from her memory. But would that make her happy?

"No, I guess I wouldn't," Julie confessed. Ashlee smiled her conspiratorial grin.

"He's good, huh?" she prodded.

"I guess," Julie answered. "He's just so different from any guy that I've ever been with. I don't know how to explain it. Just everything seems more... exciting?"

"He takes charge?" Ashlee asked. Julie thought about the very first time she had followed Greg up to his hotel room. He had pulled out his cock and told her to suck it. Yeah, he took charge, all right! Julie nodded with a slight grin.

"You could say that." She giggled. Damn! How much wine had she had? She was giggling!

"And you discovered that you like that, huh?" Ashlee's questions were right on the mark. Clearly, she knew a thing or two about dominant men. And how a woman felt when she was with one.

"I, uh... it was..." her words momentarily failed her. Yes, she most certainly did like it. She totally fucking loved it. The way he told her to do things, or manipulated her body into any sexual position he desired... The way he made her feel like she should do anything she could to please him...

But how could she possibly explain that? Julie just wasn't one to speak in such frank terms as Ashlee. Even if she knew that Ashlee had been there and done that, Julie simply couldn't open up that way.

"Kinda funny, isn't it?" Ashlee asked, smiling at Julie's inability to articulate without incriminating herself.

"Funny?"

"Yeah, you know. As women we're supposed to be striving for equality with men, getting paid the same as men. Getting past the glass ceiling and all. Right?" Julie nodded, comprehension dawning. "But even you, a woman who could be a poster child for all that, even you have that... I don't know... whatever it is... It's in you, too."

"I don't know," Julie started to protest. But wasn't Ashlee right on target again? Hadn't Julie dressed to look her most professional this morning, just so Greg could exercise his dominance over her at her zenith? Didn't Julie want it just as much as Greg? Hadn't she been turned on by the way he took it even farther, gagging her with his cock?

Ashlee was looking at her skeptically, eyebrows arched.

"Okay," Julie conceded. "Maybe there's something in me that..." She fumbled for words. "That likes to let him... take charge some times."

Submissiveness. That was what they were talking about, wasn't it? But Ashlee didn't use that word. And Julie certainly wasn't about to. Better that they hinted around and pretended that they didn't know what to call it.

Perhaps emboldened by the wine, or perhaps just interested in turning the conversation away from herself, Julie asked a question of her own.

"Is that why you've always dated the kind of guys you date? Because they take charge?"

"Yeah," Ashlee nodded, a sly grin on her face. "That's the simple version. But I bet you know there's a lot more to it now, don't you?" Julie felt a flush in her face that had nothing to do with the alcohol.

How much of what Julie had experienced with Greg had Ashlee experienced with her boyfriends? Did Ashlee know, or at least have good reason to suspect, how wet Julie got when Greg told her to get on her knees? Was Ashlee wired the same way? If Ashlee got off on sucking men's cocks and swallowing their cum, wouldn't she now assume that the same was true of Julie?

What if Ashlee liked to get fucked in the ass? Would she assume that was true of Julie as well? What other acts of submission had Ashlee experienced that she could project on to Julie? Bondage? S&M?

Julie wrenched her thoughts away from that path. It didn't matter what Ashlee supposed about Julie's sex life, if she made any assumptions at all. Neither of them—hopefully—was going to get into that kind of detail. It was enough to know that they had similar experiences, similar needs. That knowledge would be sufficient backdrop to any discussions about men they might have.

"I love it when a man takes over," Ashlee continued, unprompted. "I don't know why. I just always have. So yeah," she said sipping her wine, "that's why I date the kind of men I do. Nice guys just... don't do it for me." Julie smiled ruefully and nodded.

"Yeah," she agreed. "As much as I really love Gary... There's just no way..." Julie waved her hand in a circular motion, as if trying to conjure the rest of her thought. "No way he could ever, you know... Get me to feel like he was..."

"In charge," Ashlee finished for her.

"Exactly. I never thought that was a big deal." She shrugged. "Not until... " she smiled and looked away, feeling her cheeks reddening again, "someone showed me the difference!"

Ashlee and Julie both laughed. Whatever embarrassment Julie felt was mitigated by the wine and the laughter. Ashlee understood and, far from judging her, was actually reassuring Julie that it was okay. Julie wasn't the only one and there was nothing wrong with her.

"I guess that's why you never understood me," Ashlee said as their mirth subsided. "You always thought I was just self-destructive or low self-esteem, right?" Julie blinked, then, thoughtfully, nodded slowly.

"I guess so. I always wanted you to have a guy who was, you know, good to you. Like Gary was to me."

"And now?" Ashlee asked.

"Now I know why that wouldn't work for you. And why it might not work for me either," she added. "You just found out a lot sooner than I did!" They laughed again.

"So where is he tonight?" Ashlee asked as they sipped their wine. Ashlee's question reminded Julie that she hadn't heard from Greg today. She had left work early and hadn't checked email since she had gotten home. There was probably a message waiting for her by now.

"He's from out of town. His company has an apartment over in the business traveler suite complex. He was the only one there over the weekend, but he has a couple other guys there now." Ashlee nodded.

"He could take you out to dinner or something though, couldn't he?" That was true. There had been very little in the way of actual dating thus far, for obvious reasons. But if it was over between Julie and Gary, it would be a considerably reduced risk going out together.

"Well," Julie replied, holding up her hand on which she still wore her wedding band. "We didn't do a lot of stuff in public. Maybe we could now, but..." she shrugged.

"Didn't do a lot of stuff in public?" Ashlee asked, teasingly, her eyebrow going up. "Maybe you should try it!" She laughed and Julie joined in, feeling a bit self-conscious as the nights in the parking lot at Cavanaugh's sprang instantly to her mind. Yeah, that was something they had done in public all right.

"The voice of experience speaking?" Julie shot back, aware of the color in her cheeks.

"A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do," Ashlee replied without missing a beat.

"Yeah, especially if she's with a guy who likes to take charge, right?"

"See?" Ashlee laughed, wagging a finger at Julie accusingly. "You've already learned how it works!"

The laugher subsided quickly and the two women lapsed into a momentary silence. Julie was thinking of some segue out of the current conversation without looking too obvious. Before she could formulate anything, Ashlee leaned forward and looked at her.

"So..." she said, her voice low, as if she worried about being overheard. "Did you do it in public with your new guy?" It took a conscious effort for Julie not to let her jaw drop.

"Uh, I don't think I want to get into that much detail," she replied, trying not to sound put off or indignant, but at the same time sound firm, unmovable.

"Hmmm, interesting," Ashlee said, looking closely at Julie. "Makes me suspicious that you must have done something!" Julie tried to meet Ashlee's eyes, but faltered after only a moment. With a guilty half-smile, Julie looked away. "Yeah, definitely something. Maybe not sex. Maybe a blow j..."

"ASH!" Julie cut her off in a shrill voice.

"Bingo!" Ashlee accused, laughing and pointing her finger at Julie.

"No comment."

"Yep, that's what all the guilty ones say!" Ashlee tittered.

"Okay, I think we've had enough wine for one night. A work night at that," Julie said as she stood up. "I need to go check my email anyway."

Julie quickly retreated to her bedroom, slightly disconcerted at how quickly Ashlee had zeroed in on Julie's behavior with Greg. But then, Ashlee had been living this way for many years, compared to Julies several months. Things that still seemed new and surprising to Julie were more commonplace in Ashlee's eyes.

Was it something Ashlee had done often, Julie wondered? Going down on a man in a parked car? Julie had only done it twice with Greg, but probably only because they had other, better options. If Julie met Greg tonight, neither of them had a place they could go, so wouldn't she be tempted to do it again? Oh, without a doubt! Julie could easily envision lowering her head into his lap.

Julie thought once again of the woman she had first seen Greg with. She hadn't appeared to have had any qualms about it! Maybe Ashlee was of a similar mind. There was no denying the added intensity and excitement of being in public. Ashlee definitely had a wild streak in her, too. Julie could believe that Ashlee would do it purely for the thrill value.

Especially if she was with a man that told her in no uncertain terms what was going to happen when they got to the car.

Funny, Julie reflected, how much of an asshole she had thought Greg when, that first time at dinner, he had suggested they go out to his car. Now? Well, there was no way to explain just how much Julie had changed since then. Now she wouldn't hesitate.

Julie opened her laptop and logged in to retrieve her email. She was quite happy to see one from Greg.

And quite disturbed to see three more from Gary. Each with attachments.

She ignored them for the moment, opening Greg's email.

"Miss you. I've got a full house all week, so we can't get together here. Want to get a drink after work one night?"

Reading his email on the heels of the conversation and thoughts Julie had just been having, it was easy to jump to conclusions about his intentions. Not that Julie was opposed. In fact, quite the opposite. The end of her conversation with Ashlee had whetted her appetite more than anything else.

Julie was about to write back when Ashlee poked her head in.

"Hey, I just remembered that I'm going to my mom's for dinner Wednesday night," she said. Julie looked back at her blankly, her mind more intent on her reply to Greg's email than what Ashlee was saying. "You'll have the place to yourself," Ashlee said, spelling it out for her.

"Oh. Oh, no! No, that's okay!" Julie couldn't bring Greg here. For sex.

Why not, the rationalization center of her brain asked? Julie had taken Greg to her house and slept with him in her marital bed. How could fucking him at Ashlee's be worse?

Well, for one, Ashlee would be aware of it. Julie didn't think she wanted anyone else to be so aware of her sex life.

But if Ashlee needed the place to herself for an hour or two, Julie wouldn't hesitate to make herself scarce, would she? No, but that was different. It was Ashlee's place, after all. And if she wanted Julie out for her to have a date over, Julie was certainly in no position to object.

At the same time, even if Ashlee was willing to return the courtesy, it would require Julie exposing herself to Ashlee's curiosity. It might lead Ashlee to think that she had a right to ask about what Julie was doing when she wasn't there.

It just had a plain awkward feel to it.

At the same time, it was probably the only chance she'd have to see Greg before the weekend. And this weekend was going to be it for him. He was leaving Sunday and didn't know when he'd be back. It might be weeks or longer.

Did Julie really want to let him leave town without seeing him every possible chance?

"Hey, mi casa, su casa," Ashlee replied. "I'm not unsympathetic to your circumstances, you know." She started to leave, then turned back with a wicked grin. "Of course, if you prefer giving him a blow job in the car..."

"Ash!" Julie shrieked, covering her ears and laughing.

Julie turned back to her laptop, staring at her email. What was she going to write to Greg? Was she going to tell him that Ashlee would give them a couple hours of privacy Wednesday after work? Maybe she could reply that she was free for drinks tomorrow and then, while she was out with him, she could decide whether or not to take advantage of Ashlee's offer.

She decided on that and was about to type her reply when she remembered that there were more emails from Gary. Without sending a reply to Greg, Julie quickly clicked back to her in box and opened one of the emails. There was no text. Just a picture attachment. Holding her breath, Julie clicked it.

She was startled enough to gasp when she saw it. She had been prepared to see yet another picture of herself with Greg from Sunday night. But that's not what this was.

This one was from this morning.

It was Julie kneeling in her blue skirt with Greg's hand behind her head. Looking closely, Julie could see how her shoulders were hunched and her head was tilted forward. The picture had captured her in mid-gag.

The next two were similar vintage. The final one showing Julie looking up at him as she licked the last drop of cum from his shaft.

The pictures themselves weren't as disturbing now. Once Gary had one picture of her, she was compromised. Anything else was only incrementally worse. She deleted them quickly.

What really rattled her about it was the implied surveillance. Someone—Gary?—had followed her to Greg's apartment and taken the pictures she had seen earlier. Then hung around or come back at first light to take these. Was someone parked across the street with a camera right now? Waiting to see if Greg showed up here?

It was scary, to say the least. It occurred to Julie that it was a damn good thing she hadn't met Greg for a drink after work before seeing these pictures. What if she had gone out in the parking lot with him? Would there be pictures of her leaning over in the front seat of a car in her email now as well?

Why was Gary going to this length? Now that he had proof of her adultery—as if catching her in the act wasn't enough—wouldn't he stop? Or would Julie have to constantly look over her shoulder like a fugitive?

Maybe he just wanted to know if Julie was still seeing Greg. Well, if that was the extent of it, he had more than an answer now! If that was the case, there was no point in him perpetuating this surveillance, was there?

Julie just didn't know. It was an unpredictable situation with a person that she had always found predictable. And that worried her.

But she found it was also making her angry. What right did he have to spy on her? It was one thing to confirm her adultery, perhaps. Have proof of it that could be used against her. Fine. That was done. All he had to do was follow her back to Greg's and that would have been proof enough right there. The pictures of last night would have certainly been the final nail.

So what the fuck was he—or whomever he hired—still doing outside Greg's living room window the following morning? The more she thought about it, the more she seethed.

Julie clicked the reply button on one of the emails from Gary, her mind searching for something suitably vitriolic. But after a few minutes of staring at the page and formulating all sorts of retorts and threats, Julie closed the reply without typing a word.

She clicked back to Greg's email and replied to that instead.

"A drink sounds great. But it might not be possible. Gary followed me to your place last night. I don't know what he's up to, but I think it might be best for me to stay away for now."

Julie stared at it for a few minutes before reluctantly hitting the send button. She didn't want to forego seeing Greg. Not for one instant. But how reckless would it be to see him, knowing that Gary was watching? Photographing.

The mix of emotions in Julie was beginning to get away from her. Her thoughts and feelings were all over the place, making it difficult to think clearly. And that was a sensation totally foreign to her. Julie was a woman who depended on her brains. To suddenly have her judgment clouded was as disconcerting as an explorer losing his compass.

When she thought about Gary, the guilt came in waves. True, there was a fair amount of anger in the mix now. But the guilt and the sense of... was it failure? There was a crushing weight to it when it came on full bore. If Julie let herself think about it, it would knock her off her feet. She had heard of people being too distressed to get out of bed and she had never understood it before. But she understood it now.

There was a certain amount of shame that naturally followed on the heels of that guilt. Julie would definitely be ashamed to admit to her parents, her friends, that she had wrecked her marriage. That she had done it all for sex was even more embarrassing and shameful.

Julie had always taken pride in her self-control. Wasn't she one to lecture Ashlee on relationships? Tell Ashlee that she had to use her head more in making decisions? Ashlee was being quite gracious in not rubbing Julie's nose in those words now. But that didn't change the fact that Julie knew she was going against every bit of unsolicited advice she had ever given Ashlee.

And at the other end of the spectrum was Greg. He stirred feelings in her unlike anything she had ever known. He managed to deprive her brains of the ability to make all the decisions. And again, that was a totally foreign sensation. Desire to be with him had perverted Julie's reasoning, her logic, even her common sense. She had done things for the sake of being with him that she knew were downright dumb choices.

Greg had an aura around him that Julie felt powerless to refuse. Somehow, being with him made all of the other doubts, uncertainties and apprehensions seem trivial. She didn't feel guilty about cheating on Gary when she was with Greg. Even when Greg mentioned Gary's name while Julie was sucking his cock. Even then, the guilt was more of a turn-on, an enhancement to being with Greg.

Now, alone in her room without Greg's aura to intervene, the other emotions pressed down on her with crushing force. Even her anger over the spying didn't give her enough of a jolt to fight off the dark thoughts that threatened to overwhelm her.

Julie had more or less trashed her entire life over sex. That was really all it was, wasn't it? Sure, Greg might be leading her on, letting her believe that there was a possibility for a relationship. And Julie wanted so badly for that to be true. But, without Greg in the room with her, Julie's doubts had more validity.

Greg might be able to allay those concerns with his presence, distract her from those worries with his big cock and his ability to dominate Julie in the bedroom. But at this moment in time, Julie was alone. And her guilt and shame, her doubts and fears, all loomed large.