Just a Glimpse

When it's clear, just row after row, all the way to the bus stop. In my mind I know that I'm not running away. It's just my plan, from my thoughts of 'what if'.

She'll just never see me again.

In the space of a little more than a few seconds, not even close to half a minute. She'll go from gazing 'in love' into his eyes. Seeing me and realizing the death of us, from my face. From my wedding ring bouncing on the pavement. From my cell phone dropping, knowing she'll have no way of finding me. Having her whole world shift sideways. To never seeing me again in this world.

That's the plan, that's not a plan. It's just my 'what if' thoughts. I think if you make a set plan for a certain occurrence. You can make a kind of self filling prophesy. To do that to my marriage, no never. But it broke anyway, and my 'what if' thoughts just fell into place. All in the matter of a few seconds, the world shifted sideways. Mine and Kat's, yeah that's her name, Kathryn.

That bus I jumped on, goes almost all the way across town. Then I catch a bus going uptown, to a branch of our bank. One that we don't normally use. There I transfer half the money in our checking and saving accounts to my business account, and get a bunch of cash. Later I'll move it again, after I find somewhere that I can settle. I take half the bearer bonds and certificates from the safety deposit box. Much against the bank managers entreaties, I take my money back to the bus stop. I want to find a bus going to the out skirts of town.

The driver directs me to the best one. Another bus change and we're off. As we go toward the out skirts of town, I stop at a Walmart. Using some of my ready cash, I stock up on some nondescript clothes, casual stuff. Several days worth, plus one semi nice set of slacks, shirt and tie. toileties and a comb and razor. Plus a suitcase, a hoodie jacket and a ball cap. I've never in my life wore a ball cap, outside of a baseball diamond. But most important of all, a laptop. Then it's back on the bus.

I'm watching out the window for the right kind of place. I'm also watching the people on the bus who are close by me, you can't be too careful. I've got a fairly large amount of cash, a great deal of value in bearer bonds and such. Right now I'd be better than a liquor store to rob. What I find to watch, are a single mother trying to keep control of two small children, a brother and younger sister, both just barely toddlers.

In this I find the only silver lining in the storm clouds today brought. We have no children, no little people to harm in this soap opera tragedy. Come on, a work place romance, how trite. I didn't think that Kat would ever be that stupid. Tall dark and handsome, that's even more stupid.

Children, that's one of the things we'd talked about. I wanted a family, she wanted to wait. Right now I'm thinking that if there had been children, maybe there wouldn't have been a tall dark and handsome. Or maybe just more casualtys, little ones.

Almost out of town I find it. A small mom and pop motel, with a lot of trees and ornamental shrubbery. Not much visible from the street, just the sign. It looks to be some what clean and cared for, looks like maybe they live there too. So pulling the cable I get off the bus. At first they didn't want to rent a room to me. Apparently not having a car and only one suitcase, plus arriving from the bus. Sends up some caution flags to them.

But my expensive clothes that I have on, and a black American Express Card to hold for collateral. Plus paying for three days, cash in advance. Lowered those red flags. I was right, they lived here in unit one. The grounds were well cared for, the rooms even better. It smelled of strong cleaners, good mattress, even a fair sized TV with cable, and WIFI. It would do. Plenty of restaurants close by, plus being right on the bus route. A bus pass and I had an undetectable path into an open city. Yeah, I might stay a bit longer. Definitely no one I know would look for me out in a place like this. To her, for all intense and purposes.

I cease to exist. That will be my consequence to her.

Again in all my ,'what if', thinking. My commitment to a non-violent action. That commitment to myself, so that I can look into my mirror every day. I still knew that I couldn't just roll over and cry. In this scenario I'm non violent, but I'm not a wimp. My one term in the military should prove that. I will fight for, and have fought for, in combat, what I believe in. Not a marriage that has broken and died.

About Kat, I do realize a couple of things. Fundamentally she thinks that she's a very good person. A lot more so than the average person, and she's proud of that. She also thinks she's set herself to a higher moral standard.

In this path to tall dark and handsome. I think, she convinced herself that she could have this quick, little bite, of stolen candy. That no one would find out, and in turn never be noticed, or cause any problems. Just a quick nip of adult candy.

That I saw her sin, right out in broad daylight. That this sin, of her making, killed our marriage. That will hurt. That will leave her failures, in the fundamental way she looks at herself, standing right on the tip of her nose. She'll be forced to look right at them. That will bother her, badly. She's proud of herself, and her self image is a large part of that pride. As we're taught in psychobabble, the only way to repair her self image. After she's done something this bad, is through forgiveness and closure.

That can only be done through me, and I cease to exist...for her.

The second part of the reason for my ceasing to exist to Kat. I know because it's in my own heart, damn I still love her. I know that she loves me too. I love her more now than when we first met, and I'm sure that the same is true for her too. Unless she's the greatest liar and method actress ever born. That love is still there, it's the marriage thats not. In light of whats happened I don't think that Kat feels that as deeply as I do...yet.

It's not that Kat doesn't hurt as much as I do right now. I think it's just that Kat doesn't believe that the marriage is as dead as I know it is. Yet...when she can't find me. Ever again. Those consequences are going to fall on her. They'll sit right on the end of her nose, shine that stark light into her eyes. That she'll never get away from.

Once when I was about ten, I broke my grandfathers best fly fishing rod. I don't remember what all had made it so special to him, but it was. It was old, handmade, custom, and I think that maybe his father or grandfather had given it to him. But I broke it, and I had to take the pieces of it to him.

When I put those pieces into his hands. He just stood there...looking at them. When he finally looked up into my eyes. The incredible sadness and pain on his face, in his eyes. This man that was the rock of my youth, I'd hurt, badly. He just put a hand on my shoulder, told me that some times these things happen. Turned and walked away, threw the pieces into the garbage can as he went by.

I wanted to run after him, I wanted him to beat me. I wanted him to get mad and yell at me. Scream at me for three days, anything. Only in my pain could I relieve my guilt. Years later I came to realize that maybe that was the lesson he was teaching me. The guilt that I felt was worse than any beating he could have given me. That if we hurt those we love, our guilt is worse than any physical pain.

That guilt is what Kat will have to bear...forever.

I'm...not...looking forward to being alone in this motel room. I know that's when the crying time will start. The doubts and the recriminations will flood my mind. Self recriminations, what did I do wrong? Or could it be something that I didn't do. The first thing a man always doubts is his manhood. Was he good enough in the sack, was his cock big enough? Was her lovers bigger, was he a better lover?

Again, it's irrelevant. What we had broke and died...let it go.

Fine, grieve, cry, scream at God for the reasons why. Deny that image you saw wasn't true. Go through all four of the steps of grief. Because this is really a death. In some ways this is a more traumatic then the death of a person. Even the death of a parent, it has to do with that greater circle of husband and wife. That greater soul of marriage, that intimate bond. The only death worse, is your own. After that it's irrelevant.

The other consequence Kat's going to have to face is that irrelevance. In my heart I know that this affair, or what ever it is, is irrelevant in the greater scheme of Kat's life. Just that stolen, quick bite of adult candy. Our marriage was very relevant, very important. That she caused it's death, for just that little piece of candy. For her total inability at any form of adult self control. Is really going to hurt.

The second part of this irrelevant consequence is tall dark and handsome. When I recognized him in that parking lot, was only the second time I'd ever seen him. My first snap shot image of him was enough to know what he is.

Slick, shiny, flash takes very little to recognize. He's about as deep as a rain puddle in the street after a summers rain. Hound dog, a player that's after married women. All he wants is the honeymoon, that bright shiny new sex. Candle lit dinners for two, hearts and flowers.

When the arguments come, when the house payments due. When the period cramps are bad, late nights with the flu, when the garbage has to go out. That's when he'll sent her back to hubby. All he wants is the cream off the top. When the litter box is full, it's tom cat off to the next pussy.

Kat's far from stupid, I think she knew that about him. She'll have to realize that little bite of candy cost...everything. She's going to have to live with that.

She stepped out of that greater circle, breaking our marriage.

I'm forever gone, just letting it...die.