Just a Question

"Walt, I've been worried about you. I've been worried about you for some time. We've had 3 deaths in this past year. We each lost a parent and then your brother. You've never forgiven him for how he treated your parents. That drags on you still over these past couple of years.

"Your work has been very stressful, and it's not going to get any better.

"It's been less than 3 years since I came down and then beat stage 3 cancer, but you know that it never leaves. It never leaves us. The cancer journey continues, just differently. Part of it is the estrogen blockers I have to take for another 3 years. It cuts my drive, and my drive wasn't that great to begin with. It was always below yours.

"We're both growing older too. I'm dry most of the time and adjusting to that is just another brick in the wall. You have a harder time satisfying me now, that's been a hallmark of our relationship. You always about required me to have a climax first before you did. You made satisfying me important, that made me feel important. I know I gave you hell and I'd bitch you out because it sometimes felt mechanical. But it always was important for you to satisfy me before you were. Talking with my friends over the years, I found out that I may have been the luckier one. Their husbands weren't always so diligent.

"You've talked with me about how disappointed you are when I don't climax when we make love. Sometimes it doesn't always work. You not feeling that you've satisfied me takes away your own drive. I know that you've finally gotten used to pulling out the toy and using the battery power to take me there. I can see the disappointment in your face when that happens. Your fingers were always magic. I love the feeling of them in me, on me. But it's not enough sometimes. I don't know if my drive will come back to where it was before. I don't crave it like before. I still do like the physical closeness. That does make me whole with you. I just wish it made you whole with me.

"This isn't about being unfaithful, no matter what I asked you in the begining. It's about us trying to be faithful with each other. We have more years ahead. I'm worried about you. I'm worried about us. I know that you still have a good sex drive. You're occasionally on the computer at night. I know that you have to be satisfying yourself there.

"I can't believe that you'd go outside of our marriage. That's not you. You're probably looking at pictures, I've never heard anything so I don't think you're talking with anyone. There's not a lot of typing either. With no web cam on that computer, I don't think that you are doing that either. I also can't find any charges on the credit cards.

"So yes, I am worried about you. I really don't think you'd do anything improper. Not since before we got married. All these years whenever there was any cheating on the TV, I'd see you uncomfortable. Our daughter's father-in-law cheating, what a lesson for all of us. You love our family, our kids and grandchildren and us. You love everybody way too much to be unfaithful.

"So yes, I am worried about you. You've been solid about it all, doing your duty, being honorable all these years. You know, never once have I ever worried about you going astray. You supported me when I lost my way and was pretty nasty to you for those years. You deserve to go to heaven for that alone. I could always depend on you for who you are. You're my solid rock, I'm the volatile Italian. You were the oil on the water. Together, we've built a solid family."

She stood up and reached her hand out to mine. "You are my lover still. So lover, would you like to have our weekly get-together a bit early in the week? Would you like to take this broken down old imperfect woman who adores you to bed? Like right now?"

I think I'm going to sleep soundly in about an hour, more soundly then I have in a long time.