tagSci-Fi & FantasyJust Keep Her Laughing

Just Keep Her Laughing


Kerry dropped the mother of all knock back lines.

I have heard a lot of knock back lines in the short time since I discovered that playing with girls is more fun than breaking things, you know bikes, arms etc trying to copy the extreme sports lunatics. Just to prove it I have listed some, along with the sort of smart ass answer I would come out with that usually made sure I wasn't getting any – sometimes I just can't hold my tongue.

I don't want to risk getting pregnant. Don't worry about that I have low fat sperm.

I don't want to spoil a good friendship. How good is the friendship if you won't fuck?

We are too young. Maybe; but add our ages and you get an adult and a bit.

It's the wrong time of the month. That rules out one of three choices.

I'm not ready for that sort of relationship. Coming, ready or not.

Not before we are married. We were married in our last lives, don't you remember?

I've got a sexually transmitted disease. It's not fatal yet they may discover a cure.

You might have a sexually transmitted disease. It's only my mowf wats effectid.

I'm going to be a nun and God won't let me. I'm God; it's OK this time.

It's too cold. I'll just stick in this thermometer and check.

Someone might see us. Not under my blanket of invisibility.

My brothers would skin you. Great, that way you get a trophy and I get mounted.

I'm not that sort of girl. Fine roll over and we'll do it the other way.

Not in a Chevy, I need a Cadillac. But I've got the biggest hood ornament.

I have a headache. It's not your head I'm interested in.

A Virgo should never have sex with a Taurus. It's OK when penis is rising.

I'm your sister. Oh shit, have I drunk that much?

My boyfriend would kill you. No problem, I've given you a false name anyway.

I'm pregnant and you could hurt the baby. Great a fuck and a blow job at once.

But Kerry floored me; I had no quick comeback to her knock back. What do you say when after three months of dating you finally get your hand under her skirt and she says, "We can't, I'm an alien and our bits don't match."

I just sat there with my mouth open going, "Da da urg what?"

"I'm sorry Dan, I really want to but it just wouldn't fit."

"Kerry, this is not funny, I've got a cock the size of the bloody statue of liberty and you..."

"Dan," she said softly, "I'm not joking and please don't swear."

That was the hardest thing to get used to with Kerry. Damn was a swear word and anything worse had her literally in tears.

I found that out the day we met. With a bang. I was running to get to my lecture and she was running to get to hers when our paths crossed. The first thing I knew was I was on the ground books everywhere and the bad wrist from my most recent injury was feeling broken again.

"Shit, shit, fuck."

"No," sobbed the girl who had fallen next to me, "don't swear please." She was serious. How do you break your wrist and not swear?

"Damn, damn, damn." I groaned.

"I'll take it that your name is Dan," she said, "I'm Kerry, and I'm sorry. Are you hurt?"

"I think my wrist is broken again," I said through gritted teeth.

"Let me look," she said, and grabbed my arm.

"Oh shit," the pain got worse, "Oh fuck that hurts," the pain increased again.

"Don't swear and it will be better," Kerry said, all of a sudden crying again. "Try to find something to laugh about."

"Let's see," I groaned, "my wrist is broken, I'm late for an important lecture, my books are covered in mud, I'm covered in mud, well at least it will be good for my complexion."

Kerry suddenly laughed and as she did the pain reduced. "That's better," she said, "can you feel it working? Tell me a joke."

"That's amazing," I said, "how do you do that?"

"Never underestimate the power of laughter," said Kerry. "Come on, tell me your best joke without swearing."

I was still in pain and it is pretty hard to think, so all I came up with was, "What do you call an adolescent rabbit?"

"Don't know, tell me," said Kerry smiling.

"A pubic hare."

Kerry cracked up. "Is that your best?" she asked, "I'd hate to hear your worst."

We sat there in the mud laughing like kids and the more we laughed the better the wrist got. I eventually felt the pain recede enough to take a good look at Kerry and this was certainly not a chore. She had delicate features with a pageboy bob in her short red hair, hazel eyes and freckles on her face. Just watching her laugh was a glorious experience so that's what I did. All the old, bad jokes made her happy.

"Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?"

"Don't know, why?"

"Because from a distance they look like hares."

We sat in the mud, me telling jokes and watching Kerry laugh. By this time there was no pain in my wrist at all but she was still holding it with amazing warmth coming through her fingers into my skin.

"How did you do that?" I asked. "Are you a witch?"

"Let's see," she said and wriggled her nose in a very "Bewitched" way. "No, nothing happened."

"My heart." I cried, "It's disappeared into you."

We laughed some more ignoring the people walking past shaking their heads at the two of us sitting in a puddle. I'm not sure how it happened but we ended up singing that hippo song "mud, mud glorious mud" just laughing our heads off.

Then I leaned over and kissed her cheek and Kerry said, "Steady on mister, you can only knock me off my feet once in a day," and we laughed some more.

We finally got up and picked up our books. Kerry was wearing a floppy sweater and jeans that were covered in mud. We looked at each other and giggled more.

"How about a coffee?" I asked.

"I have to get changed first," Kerry replied shyly.

"Then later. Maybe dinner," I said on impulse.

"Dan," she said, "I'd love to have dinner with you but there are rules."


"Yes rules," said Kerry, "I cannot stand swearing."

"Fine," I said.

"If you ever tell me a lie I will know."

"Fine," I said again.

"We go slow, I've been hurt before," she said quietly.

"The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you," I said, and I meant it.

"Good, back here at six then," said Kerry. Then she spun around and walked away.

Kerry leaving then was like the sun going down after a perfect day. But we still had a date for dinner.

Anyway back to the story.

Here we are at the drive-in under a blanket half watching the show. We would kiss sometimes but Kerry never used her tongue so this was kind of dull. That night, as I had a couple of times before I got my hand in her top playing with the most perfect pair of tits ever. I had found out by this time that tits and cock etc were acceptable words to Kerry if used to describe the actual articles. What articles Kerry had, 36 C cup although a bra was a very rare sight near them. They seemed to defy gravity pointing cheerfully up and the nipples poked out a good half-inch when she was excited. Like she was right then. We played for some time while my cock tried to undo my zip from the inside. Well it certainly was pushing hard enough to break out anyway. That's when my hand went down to her skirt and she dropped that amazing line.

"I'm sorry," I said, "can you run that past me again."

"Dan, I love you," Kerry whispered quietly, "and I finally just have to tell you I am not human."

She was very distressed but Kerry had never told me a lie so I was not sure what to say or do. I eventually settled for, "Kerry, start at the beginning and tell me."

"I was not born on Earth," she said, "but I was one of two aliens sent here to see if we could breed with humans. Our race is dying because the machines that help us replicate are failing and no one understands how they work. We stopped breeding naturally so far back that we do not know how to do it any more either, and all the males are sterile because of the replication machines.

"Unfortunately when we got here Sali, the older girl, was in too much of a hurry and kidnapped the first male we found and told him she was going to mate with him. He had no problem with that because she was beautiful and I was sent out of the room. I have no idea how she managed to fit around him because it is just not possible but she did and then he must have sworn or done something to upset her because as far as I could work out she closed around him so tightly his cock exploded. I heard screaming then a shot and when I came in Sali was dead with some flesh hanging out of her and he was holding a gun but had died of shock after she ripped that bit off him. We can heal the living, like I did with your wrist but the dead are gone."

"Kerry, you must be joking," I said, wondering what the truth really was.

She sighed, "Dan, I know this is hard to believe but I can prove it. You are the only person I have ever told and I have only done that because I really care for you."

"I just don't know what to think."

"Dan, I want you to promise me you won't say anything for ten minutes and I will prove what I am saying is true," Kerry said and then she begged me, "Please promise me."

"All right, I promise."

Kerry smiled that sunshine smile of hers and said, "You won't regret that," she reached down to my jeans and rubbed my bulge gently. "You often complain that I don't use my tongue when we kiss," she said while she slowly lowered my zip and undid my belt and my jeans, "I have not used my tongue because it is so different to human tongues and you would have known something was wrong." She pulled my underwear off my stiffening cock exposing it to her for the first time and then she softly blew on the head.

"I uh..." I moaned.

"Shhh, you promised," she said.

Then her lips went around me and she slowly took my eight inches into her mouth. I had once found a girl who could deep throat me, and what an amazing night that was, but Kerry was totally different. She just took me all the way to the balls and when I was completely in she continued breathing as normal and her mouth started rubbing up and down my cock. She was applying suction at the same time and I felt like I was in a milking machine or something. I never have tried a milking machine, I wonder...?

So there I was getting the best head job of my life when something tickled under my cock. Kerry's tongue pressed into the vein and slowly ran from the head to the base and back again.

I groaned loudly.

Her tongue continued up and down the vein while her mouth stroked me and I was buried deep in her throat. Kerry was not moving her head at all but I was getting sensations I had never dreamed could exist.

"Mmmm yeah," I said.

"Shhh," she said. I had to wonder where the sound came from because I thought her mouth was fairly busy at the time and I never felt Kerry's lips break the seal.

Then her tongue running to the base kept going, out of her mouth and down between my balls and to that patch of sensitive skin behind them. It stroked and tickled and probed while inside her mouth something else that was quite rough wrapped around my cock and started rubbing the length.

The extreme suction, the rubbing up and down both soft (mouth) and rough (tongue I think) combined with the end of her tongue behind my balls caused the biggest orgasm of my life. I had no time to warn Kerry, I just exploded into her mouth. Even my orgasm was a new experience, the first pulse opened the way to my balls and it stayed open and Kerry sucked me dry. I wasn't pumping into her mouth she was drawing it through. I came for about twenty seconds of pure bliss; my mind screaming and I think my mouth had joined in too.

After I was finished I lay back against the seat, totally drained, not able to say anything but panting like I had run a four-minute mile. If sex was athleticism I think I had actually run a one-minute mile, what I had experienced then was so amazing and unbelievable. Kerry's mouth stayed wrapped around me slowly stroking as I shrunk and her tongue was now probing the hole where I had sent my seed into her.

"Was that all right?" Kerry eventually asked anxiously.

I replied, "Without a doubt that was the most fantastic sexual experience I have ever had."

"Really?" she asked, "I have never dared do anything like that before, I was not sure if it would be as good as Earth girls."

"Kerry, you know when I tell lies. Was I?"

"No Dan. I just wanted to hear you say that again."

"Kerry, I love you."

"That's not what you said before," Kerry said playfully, "but it will do."

"Good," I said, "now show me your tongue."

Kerry went all shy, "Dan that would embarrass me."

"Kerry," I said, "My cock just got an amazing sexual experience from that tongue. Don't you think it is about time they were introduced?"

She first giggled, and then got very serious, "Promise you won't hate me?"

"How could I ever hate you?" I asked, "Dan's cock," I said to the flaccid thing still hanging out of my pants, "this is Kerry's tongue... yoo hoo Kerry's tongue, where are you?"

Out it came.

Kerry's tongue was quite normal at the end, possibly a little pointier than usual but the first surprise was it just kept coming, four inches, five inches, six inches it just kept coming out of her mouth. At about eight inches came the second surprise, there was skin wrapped around her tongue and as the tongue came further out it unfolded to make two separate "wings" that came out about three inches each side.

"Amazing," I said, "at least that explains some of those fantastic feelings."

Her tongue went back into her mouth. "Do you hate me now?" asked Kerry quietly.

"Not at all Kerry, I just have a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that you are not... well...normal."

"I can leave now," said Kerry slowly, "and you would never have to see abnormal me again."

"No," I grabbed her and held her tightly, "I don't think I could live without you. You may not be normal, Kerry but you are very, very special." I kissed Kerry then and held her to me. We kissed and for the first time her tongue met mine. Her tongue touched mine, then it rubbed up against mine, then it wrapped around mine and then it started tickling under mine.

"Do you like that?" asked Kerry.

I broke the kiss. "How did you do that?" I asked.

"Do what?" said Kerry.

"Talk with your mouth closed."

"We just do, it's not hard. Now kiss me again," said Kerry. We kissed deeply again and then suddenly it actually was hard. "My, my," said Kerry, "Look who's coming out to play. Do we want to try again?"

She dropped her head into my lap and the guys in the car behind us started honking the horn and flashing their lights but I didn't notice. I only found out later because my friend Jimmy was in the car.

The second time was better than the first. I knew what was causing my feelings and could even make suggestions. Kerry would just answer normally even with my cock half way down her throat. I lasted about ten minutes before again emptying my balls down into her stomach.

"Let's get out of here," Kerry said, and we did. We had a lot to talk about.

I drove to Kerry's flat and we sat in the car for a while. Kerry was still worried that I would hate her. I tried very hard to comfort her and in the end I suggested we spend the night together. The problem was where. Kerry's flat mate was home so we couldn't stay there and my parents would have frowned on us spending the night in my room. Tomorrow was Saturday and neither of us had anything on so I eventually promised to be there at ten and we would spend all day together. We kissed for a very long time before I left.

I drove to the local burger hang out and there were some mates there, including Jimmy. He gave me hell over not noticing them at the drive in.

"Was it that good Dan?"

All my friends called me Dan now even though my name actually is Steve. Kerry started calling me Dan on that first day and my friends, who never had managed a nickname, started using it too. Mum and Dad weren't too pleased to have people ringing up and asking for Dan but they got used to it. They, however, would never call me Dan.

"Jimmy," I said, "it was totally out of this world." Pun intended.

"Great stuff," he replied, "No-one has ever got anywhere with Kerry. We all thought you were dating a nun. When's the big day?"

"You know how it is," I answered, "all revved up and no place to go."

"Sorted me old chum," Jimmy said in the worst possible English accent, and then he pulled a key out of his pocket, "I was going to the cabin tomorrow but I have training and can't make it, it's all yours until I ask for it back."

Jimmy's parents kept a small weekender cabin near a lake about an hour and a half away. I had been there a few times swimming, fishing and bush walking. It was perfect, very cozy and very private.

"That's absolutely topping chum," I threw back in an equally bad accent, "this is just what the doctor chappie ordered."

"Have fun," he said, "there's Carol, got to run before she gets dragged away by her admirers." Jimmy left to get his girlfriend after her shift as a waitress.

I lay in bed awake for a long time that night. I wondered, is it wrong to have sex with an alien? Family is wrong, animals are wrong, children are wrong; to some people even same sex is wrong. But what category is Kerry? Am I endangering my family and myself to associate with a race we do not even know exists? Will I have to ask her parents if we want to marry and how do I get there to do that?

Questions, questions questions.

The answers I eventually came up with were:

It is not illegal.

It most likely is not immoral, as we both choose to do it, it does not hurt anybody and there are no rules for things that don't exist.

It feels good.

I could not live without Kerry.

So in the middle of the night I decided damn the torpedoes, it's full steam ahead.

I packed the car in the morning with supplies of food, some drinks and clothes for the weekend and drove to Kerry's place.

She had not slept well and greeted me with, "I wasn't sure if I would see you again after last night. I was so worried."

"Kerry my darling," I said seriously, "I love you and nothing will keep me away OK? So go pack some things we're going away for the weekend."

"But don't you think I'm..."

"No. Now pack," I ordered. She did and we went.

Kerry threw a bag in the back and got in. She was silent for the first ten minutes.

"Dan, are you sure?" she asked.

"Stimpy." This was a joke we used a lot, as my surname is Renshaw so Ren and Stimpy get it?

Kerry smiled, "I am so glad. Now I haven't asked where we are going."

"Guess," I said.

"Las Vegas?"




"Colder than Berlin, how about Norway?"


"Antarctica? I forgot my mittens."

"All right," I gave up on that one, "I don't mean colder, I mean closer to here."

Kerry was back in a happy mood. "How disappointing," she said, "I would love to see Antarctica."

"Maybe on our honeymoon," I said.

"Two head jobs and he wants to get married. Can I have a Porsche after ten?" Kerry asked.

"Definitely," I answered, "I'm just not sure which ten."

We laughed all the way at silly things. It was good to see our relationship was not just back to normal. It had actually progressed to a new level. We finally drove up to the cabin and Kerry was suitably impressed.

"Wow, Dan how did you arrange this?" she asked.

"It's Jimmy's parents retreat but they are away and he can't use it this weekend," I replied.

Kerry said, "I do like Jimmy."

"Like Jimmy, Love Dan," I said.

"Jimmy has a lovely cabin," Kerry teased.

"Dan has a lovely hard on," I answered.

"Lets go inside and check that out," said Kerry, and inside we went.

We put our bags in and had a look around. I knew the cabin well but it was all new to Kerry. She loved the very private setting and we went for a walk down to the jetty.

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