Just the Thought of You Ch. 01

He had to speak to her. To try again. Try to get her to see.

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STEPHANIE

He hadn't replied to my email. I figured silence was probably better. Simpler. Then I could get on with the process of trying to forget everything. I could pack those gilded cages carefully into perfectly-sized boxes and close them up. The fact that I wanted to keep those memories so badly wasn't a particularly good sign. How can you take the contents of your head and wrap it in bubble-wrap and file it away? People just don't work that way. I didn't, that's for sure.

I pushed the second half of my sandwich away from me on the desk. I hadn't really been hungry for the first half. I knew I hadn't been acting quite normal, and Angela's eyes had been on me more than usual. So what if she knew, or guessed? It was over now, and everything could go back to normal. Or, more likely, I'd have to start putting my CV together and looking for another job. I was jumping at every little movement from his end of the corridor. The insane fear of bumping into him in the hallway had me sneaking down back staircases and tagging myself onto groups of the other girls whenever I could.

Unless I wholly concentrated my mind on whatever menial task I was working on, every blink of my eyes would bring with it a flash of an image. The hidden thoughts behind the grey-blue of his eyes. The way the muscles in his shoulders flexed when he braced his body over mine. The contrasting dark of morning shadow against his skin just before he shaved. It was all a part of me now, and I couldn't bring myself to excise it. Because how do you cut love straight out of your heart?

Surprised? I suppose I was. I wonder if it creeps up on everyone. You look back and you can see the thread there. The strand winding back through everything, right to the moment it first bloomed. Was it when he first said he cared? Or even before that. The first time in his car. When he'd been gentle with me when I'd least expected it. A caress. Can it start that way? Such a small thing?

And then you wake up one day, and it's already there, where there wasn't anything before. And then there's the day you wake up, knowing loving also means letting go.

(To be continued...)

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