tagHumor & SatireKarate and Christmas Gifts

Karate and Christmas Gifts


Karate and Christmas Gifts:

A Conversation with Loretta JX


Christopher of Detroit

Loretta JX enters the room and pounces onto the bed, relaxed within the nighttime setting. As she reclines into the soft blankets, I sit a comfortable distance away from her. The first thing I observe is her smile, which is open and giving. Next, I notice her eyes, which are child-like. A subtle wave of playful sensual energy emits from her face.

Before I can begin the interview, she blurts out, "Typically, I have no taboos, although I don't like people shitting on me," she pauses, smirks, laughs, then coyly adds," I think I should let you know this, because whenever I say 'I don't have any taboos,' people always say 'Oh, maybe you should let me shit on you."

This comedic outburst begins our evening-long conversation, and sets its revealing tone. Loretta JX is a 26 years old female librarian, born Catholic, but has no religion of practice. Unless you consider sex a religion. And of course, she does. In her own words, she is "90% straight and 10% gay," admitting that her interest in women is purely voyeuristic. She thinks sexual fulfillment is 65% mental and 35% physical. She discovered sexuality from a pillow at age 6, and has gone on to live a very free sexual life, if not a joyously private one. This is the contradiction of Loretta JX: she is both a verbal exhibitionist and voyeur.

An early segment of our discussion reveals a childhood trial; strict wisdom delivered via a lesson of shame. She describes the ordeal, "I learned that sex or sexuality should not be anything you should show to anyone else. When I was seven, I decided I wanted to make a baby with this boy that my mom was babysitting, we were playing karate, obviously we didn't have very many clothes on, because it was karate (insert chopping hand gesture), so, I was like lets go in the closet and make a baby." She pauses, and shifts herself onto one elbow, eager to continue, "So, we went in the closet and got naked, and starting rubbing against each other, because that is how you make a baby, as far as we knew. But, then my Mom walked in, and uh, she was kind of shocked, she told me to go off to the hardware store with my Dad."

I comment that the hardware store must be a very terrible place, if it was used to shock her into submission. She laughs and explains how this humiliation led to her fascination with printed material, because she retreated into her fantasies to avoid "religious" persecution. She comments, "After the humiliation, I found any reading material I could possibly find. They had a little area in the library with all the health books and stuff, and I would always go look at them in the corner and read them."

Her current interest in pornography and erotica—which she admits is part of her voyeuristic tendency—stems from this experience. She watches porn often and is enthralled with the 70's starlet Annette Haven. I see a resemblance in their smile, a confident, but soft, sneer.

The other benefit of the humiliation was her blossoming sense of humor, which definitely has a strong sexual undercurrent, and a sense of the absurd. In the interview, I ask Loretta whether she needs drugs or alcohol to engage in sex, she replies that, "I don't need it to be sexual. I can do it dry. I CAN BE A DRY HUMPER!!!" She then states that power and dominance are her only intoxicants.

"Yeah, when it comes down to power, I can control a man from how I work their cock, and not in any kind of mean way, but I can tell exactly when you are going to orgasm, and stop. Wait. Then start again. That is my way of being dominant, and I love having a cock in my mouth, it is the best feeling in the whole world!" She claps her hands together and cackles mischievously, "You know when they say 'if you could only choose one thing for the rest of your life', well, if I could only choose one food for the rest of my life, I would choose cock, but, a clean one. You have to wash up, first."

I ask her why she feels the need to refer to the penis as a "cock". She sidesteps my inquiry and says, "I got asked recently if I call it a vagina or a pussy. I like pussy because it is funny, and it is direct, and it is vulgar. I hate the word vagina; I hate the word "penis" even more. "Dick" makes me think of a detective, and that is not appealing."

I ask what the word "cock' makes her think of, she replies, "A virile man." We both giggle and I say, "Like a rooster?" She shakes her head and exclaims, "No, a rooster makes me think of something I would kick in the head, a cock makes me think of something I would put in my mouth."

She settles down and says, "I don't know if you could ever describe in your profile how much I like cock."

I solicit more about her sexual desires. Loretta's fantasies range from the mundane to the obscure; she admits that many are best left unfulfilled. For example, she believes it may seem hot "to fuck a guy in the ass," but ultimately it would be too physically exhausting, and she has no time for it. She also believes that it is contrary to her power complex, which stems from her "karate closet" incident. She wants to be dominated by her man, almost as if it were a battle, she describes this swiftly, using a uncharacteristically fragile voice, "There is a part of me that wants to dominate them so they will dominate me harder".

Loretta has one ultimate fantasy that she has on her wish list.

"MY GREATEST FANTASY IS TO HAVE TWO MEN! That love and adore me and fuck me. And then maybe make out with each other a little."

I look at her with a stunned expression.

"I just want them to be open to the fact that they can be intimate with each other, and not necessarily fuck each other; but can be comfortable with me sucking their dicks at the same time. I don't need guys that are not open to this possibility."

I sit speechless motioning her to proceed.

"The more the merrier. In some ways, three would be my limit. I definitely don't want four. After all, I only have three orifices. Two would be perfect, because how are we all going to sleep in the same bed afterwards."

Loretta JX finishes her rant.

"OH YEAH! My greatest fantasy is two men. OH MY GOD, you can get me that for Christmas! OH, FUCK YEAH!!!

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