tagReviews & EssaysKeying the Internet

Keying the Internet

byCal Y. Pygia©

Sex-starved perverts (like you) are constantly looking for something to whet—or maybe even wet—the appetite, and the news, of all things, often supplies a plethora of fare that is salacious, titillating, and prurient in nature, if only in a puerile sense.

It's easy to find such material. Simply click the "News" tab on your web browser. Which browser you use to browse the 'web doesn't really matter; their all in cahoots with one another, offering the the same sick stuff day in and day out. After clicking "News," simply enter the key word of your choice, maybe from a predetermined list. As a result, you're sure to attain a lot of results—pages of links to scores or hundreds of associated "news" stories, both hard and soft, which are usually posted when there's a lack or actual news, to fill web pages with something rather than nothing.

Let me offer just a few examples, to give you an idea as to how to best waste your time.

You can't go wrong with "boobs." You will go wrong, however, with "breasts." The latter term is usually associated with the mammary glands, not titties viewed as boys' toys, so the stories you'll access will be the serious, somber, no-nonsense, matter-of-fact junk that only scientists, medical doctors (especially plastic surgeons), and nerds are interest in perusing. "Boobs," as a key word, on the other hand will deliver a mix of both the serious and the frivolous, including such headlines as these: "Boobies Rock! T-shirt company cashes in on cancer," "Full federal appeals court hears arguments in 'I (Heart) Boobies' bracelet case," "Moms sue school over ban on 'boobies' bracelets," "Has Orlando Bloom asked Miranda Kerr to cover up her 'Boobies'?," "Bigger Boobies' Hallmark Card For 13-Year-Old Provokes Angry Protests On Twitter," and "Janelle Evans, star of 'Teen Mom 2,' gets breast implants, says they are the 'perfect size.'"

"Nipples," as a search term nets these 'net results: "Forget tattooing—Small Nipples Have Always Been The Platonic Ideal," "Miranda Kerr's nipples make an appearance," ""Beyonce Reveals the Power of the Fake Boob," "84% of women don't want to see men's nipples at office: survey" (which means, of course that 14% do want to see men's nips at work), "Emma Watson's Nipples: Cannes Dress a Disaster for 'Harry Potter' Star (PHOTOS," "Woman Has Nipple Bitten Off," "Women's nipples as 'orgasmic' as G-spot," "'Tittooing' Becomes the Latest Trend for UK Women Who Want Perfect Nipples," "Smoking Can make Your Nipples Fall Off," "Kimberly Walsh's nipples Jump Out at fans during Girls Aloud gig," and "Britain's 'Got Talent': David Walliams can't resist tweaking nipples" (sounds like there's maybe there's a big time sexual harassment case in the making!).

In doing my own searches for Internet fare that is salacious, titillating, and prurient in nature, if only in a puerile (and rather pathetic, I might add) sense, I generally start topside, with boobs and nipples, and work my way "south," next entering the country of the Female Pudendum, wherein such terms as "clit," "labia," and "pussy" (again, most of the time, slang is better, for searches, than clinical terms, with a few exceptions, such as "labia"). Here are some results: "The labia 'pride' movement," "Unhappy With Your Gross Vagina? Why Not Try The 'Barbie'?,"What's in your Vulva?," "Designer Genitalia: Fad, Benefit, or Mutilation?," "Women with genital cutting have poorer sex lives," "International Clitoris Week Is Just Around The Corner" (mark your calendars!); "How I Get Away With masturbating In Public," "Retraction of the Clitoral Head," "Snoop Dogg Talks About Being A Pimp: 'A Lot Of Athletes Bought Pussy From Me' (DETAILS)," and lots and lots of headlines about Pussy Riot.

Okay, milady also has a backside, so words like "ass," "butt," and "anus" (and maybe "anal") should fetch some fetching (and maybe even some "felching") results. Here are a few: "Rihanna To Chris Brown—How Could You leave My Ass?," "Miley Cyrus Bares Her Big Ass (Again) $ Goes Topless in Maxim Shoot," "10 glaring spelling mistakes that make you look like an ass on the Internet," "Selena Gomez on Nikki Minaj: 'Her Ass Is Very Big,'" "Danni Minogue: 'I used to be called Kylie's ugly-ass sister," "Giant Sea Cucumber Eats With Its Anus," "Sean 'X-Pac' Waltman Tears Anus With a Failed Bronco Buster," "Man Has Light-bulb Surgically Removed From Anus" (don't try this at home!), "Man undergoes Surgery after Putting Live Eel up his Anus," "Farrah Abraham Sees Nothing Wrong with Her Fetish for Anal Sex" (neither so we, Farrah!), "Child born without anus still has not received help," "Man, startled by bottle rocket shot out of anus, sues frat," "Today I Anal Tattoos: This Woman Has A Butthole Tribute To The Beatles (NSFW)," and "Forced anal penetration of men not rape."

Searching for "dick" will return mostly men whose names (or nicknames) are "Dick." (Why would any man in his right mind want to be called "Dick" all his life?) Here are a few examples, before we move on: Dick Evey, Dick Powell, Richard E. "Dick" Allyn, Dick Van Dyke (now, there's a name; it incorporates a reference to both the penis and to butch lesbians!), Dick Spotswood, Dick Dale, Dick Piney, Dick Trickles (no, we are not making this up!), Richard "Dick" G. Dietsche, Dick Jeradi, and Dick Bowers. (I don't know about you, but that's enough "Dicks" for me.)

"Cock" delivers a few better headlines: "Cock: A Sexually Charged Story Without Onstage Sex," "Fustercluck's Cock 'Visible from outer Space[']: See It," "Brad Pitt Retires Stunt Cock: No More Sex Scenes," "Cock Bling: Venfield 8 on His Phallic Fashion Statements," and "Dildo porn cock-up forces Vine to change age rating to 17+" (whatever that means).

"Balls" mostly goes nowhere as a search term, but we did come (cum?) up with "Monkey with blue balls added to top ten new species list."

And, last if not least, "sperm" and "semen" produced these results: "Zoologger: the tiny insect with massive sperm," "Air Pollution Could Shrivel Sperm's DNA," ""Researchers develop sperm-sorting design that may aid couples undergoing in-vitro fertilization," "Sperm Trajectories, Evolving Humans And A Tomato Tapestry: The Best Scientific Figures For 2012," "Stress Can Hamper Your Sperm Count," "Sperm donation gaining greater acceptance in India," "Naked mole rats have the world's ugliest, most sluggish sperm" (who'd have thought?), "Too Much TV Tied To Low Sperm Count in Young Men," "Female Ulidiid Flies Expel Sperm And Eat It, New Study Shows," "Stunning 3D Sperm Images Reveal new Motion," "Semen Cocktails: New Cookbook, 'Semenology, Provides Recipes, Storage Tips And More," "Semen Has Anti-aging Benefits? If Heather Locklear Says So," "Semen Cocktails: The Mixology Of Man Sauce Is A Real Thing," "Horse semen on the menu at new Zealand food festival," and "Semen has direct effect on female brain" (female "brain"?).

These are just a few of the many headlines that await the persistent pervert, and they resulted from the use of only a handful (well, a handful, a mouthful, a twatful, and and assful) of key terms. There are many other possibilities, of course, to expand and extend your own Internet searches. (Just imagine what you might come up with if you went "tranny" chasing or conducted a search for "transsexuals"!)

Finally, don't overlook the list of headlines that Literotica itself provides. At the time I wrote this review, the site of all sites lists the following gems, complete with summaries: "The summer's best beach reads are page-turners with plenty of sex, sizzle and . . .," "Newark Archdiocese Leader Resigns Amid Sex Scandal," "Hagel Calls Sex Assaults in Military a 'Scourge'," "Helio Castroneves would give up sex for a year to win the Indy 500," " Sex and erotica don't draw moviegoers anymore," "'Open season' for sex at Alaskan base, military officials say," " U-Md.: Curl sex abuse was reported to attorney general's office," "Female lawmakers leading push to crack down on military sex crimes," " Florida teen rejects plea deal in controversial same-sex case," and "Wartime sex slaves urge Japan mayor to quit."

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