Khoe; A Tale of Sadness & Joy Ch. 04

Kerry tried not to stare -- but he did anyway for a moment, "You were there?"

She nodded, "I was ready to become the stand-in mother for him as soon as I saw him. I assumed as much of the role as Khoe was prepared to allow and it was a very tearful time for us both; her already feeling the beginnings of her great loss and I was there doing my best and feeling like a thief the entire time.

Ideally, it was you who should have been there, but you proved yourself to be incapable of even letting her go as it was. There was no other way. I can understand the way that you felt -- even how you must be feeling now. And at this moment, I feel about the way that I thought that I would; still as though I have something which I am not entitled to have and very unwelcome on the doorstep of your life.

But to answer your original question, I get, ... I get -- as you say -- a life. I get a man who I could hope might learn to love me one day, if I am very lucky. I get a child to raise when I cannot give birth to my own. It would be more than enough for me."

"What do you mean?" he asked and she looked down for a long moment, thinking that now she'd have to say the words which would seal this against her and the little boy.

"In order to have a child to raise," she said, "a woman requires a man who hopefully loves her and at least one working ovary.

Mine were removed," she said almost in a whisper, "It removes the ongoing expense of birth control and guarantees that I would be available almost always. It was done after I conceived once. The child was stillborn and my, ... owners, .... had the procedure done so that it would never be an issue again. I made a lot of money for them. I can never conceive, so he is the only chance that I have to be a mother. Please tell me if that makes me undesirable for you."

Kerry looked at her for a moment as though she had three heads. Then his expression changed abruptly, suddenly realizing that it was a huge thing to almost any woman and he could understand how it might feel to have been neutered when one has no say in the matter.

"Makes you undesirable?"

He shook his head, "Fuck me," he said a little uncharacteristically, "Forty-five minutes ago, I was an unhappy, grumpy man in an empty life. Now, I have a son -- rumor has it -- and a woman who appears to really want to have a life with me.

Lady, it all makes me nervous, a little scared, very uncomfortable for the way that it's being sprung on me and just a tiny bit irritable over the way that I'm obviously not going to be able to be quietly miserable anymore without having to feel guilty that my rejecting you might cause you both to get killed or something.

And all of this doesn't exactly make me feel one bit better about losing the woman I loved. In fact, it's even worse than that, since it opens a pretty deep wound which until not long ago was just beginning to heal."

"I cannot make it better for you completely, Kerry," she said, "and you were warned. I know this because she told me that she told you many times that she could not stay. It hurt her to say it every time, because her actions caused what is to her employers, a very unwelcome complication. They tend to favor very final and lasting solutions.

And I am not called 'Lady'. My name is Khoe "she reminded him.

He rolled his eyes, "No it's fucking not, and I wasn't talking about your name. You asked me about your desirability.

I don't know you from anybody. But I can tell you that it does not make you 'undesirable to me', strictly speaking, but don't get your hopes up and please stop speaking about yourself as though you were a head of livestock. I'm still trying to sort this out, ok?"

"Ok," she said and she looked down.

He was careful in negotiating traffic, deciding that he really couldn't risk getting a ticket for having a kid in the truck with no proper seating for an infant and even he as a single man now felt the risks that they were undertaking in driving this way. He felt the strangest wish in him to own a proper child seat for the first time in his life.

And he really wanted to go back to being a grumpy man -- though he wasn't nuts about the lonely part.

He looked over at her again, "And I don't see what's so funny, so could you please stop smiling like that?"

He pulled into a shopping mall and stopped, turning to her, "Let's try this while I'm deciding; I don't want to hear you calling me Mr. Brow-"

"Kerry," she said, wanting to smile and now struggling not to. "I know. I was born in Japan. I came to Toronto to study, but I made an error in judgement and got pregnant instead. Not knowing what to do, I accepted the offer of a woman who said that she could get me help. That is how I fell into the life that I have led ever since. But I assure you that other than being young and unwise in my desperation once a long time ago, I'm not stupid."

"I didn't think that you were," he said, "I just wanted to get it straight.

Too bad about being from Toronto though. Tough break there -- having to leave the center of the known universe and all."

It caused her to laugh a little for the first time, and Kerry decided that he liked that on her. It beat the hell out of subservient and meek, he thought, though he could see that it was not necessarily the way that she was or wanted to be.

She nodded and she waited for him to come around to her side to help her negotiate the business of getting out of a tall truck with an infant . "I will not be extravagant," she said quietly as they walked to the doors.

"That's not the important thing," he said, "Let's just get him a good car seat -- one of those ones that double as a carrier and whatever else you think that he needs. Even I know that a sling like the one that he's in isn't for much more than a pleasant walk down a country road. Christ, they probably didn't even warn you about the deerflies."

"I learned about them myself," she said, "and I kept them off the little one. But what is wrong with carrying him in this sling until he gets too big?"

He saw the way that she looked at him, so he said, "Think about it. If you were this big," he said holding his hands apart, "would you want to look at this from close up?" he asked, pointing to his face.

She nodded with a hopeful little smile and he rolled his eyes, "Forget I said anything."

Forty minutes later, he was piling their purchases into the back of his crew cab, though he took out the convertible carrier which doubled as a car seat component. After that, he put the box containing the crib into the back as well, grumbling a little over the way that anything even relating to a child automatically doubled the price of what one might think the article was worth.

'Khoe' was about to get in when he shook his head, "We're not done. You need some clothes a little more suited to being a mom. What you've got on is really nice, uh, Khoe -- for a very attractive governess. You need 'mom' clothes -- something that goes with the perils of the world's most hazardous occupation, though I think we don't have to go all the way to a biohazard rating. I'm not completely sure, though. I've never been a father before so I can't really say."

She looked confused, "Why do you call it hazardous?"

He smirked, "Well, they all seem to hang on pretty good until they get to be grandmothers. But you can guess what they must have gone through in their time. I don't think I've ever seen one who isn't gray or dying her hair to hide it. Think about that. I'd sure say that it was at least stressful."

The little boy woke up hungry after that and she produced a bottle for him out of her bag. While Ciarraighe Junior worked at the bottle, he asked her to look for a place where she might like to have lunch. "I want to get a look at what I'm bargaining for in some decent light."

They sat in the restaurant and he held the bottle for his son as he studied that little face which regarded him a little curiously.

"Just help me here," he said, "You're not Khoe. You might have paperwork that says that you are, but I think I might feel a little less suspicious if I could get you to come around to 'Kumiko'.

Why are you smiling?"

She couldn't help it, "You remembered," she said, looking a little pleased.

"Am I ever going to know your real last name?" he asked.

"Of course," she said, "It's something of a coincidence, but my true last name is Nakatami. It's not all that common a name, but it's common enough in some areas of Japan, I guess."

"How do you want to handle the domestic thing?" he asked and seeing her expression, he just said, "I haven't got two beds. I could sleep on the couch until I can buy you one and a little furniture for your room."

She shook her head. "I will sleep with you, Kerry. All that I ask is that you let me hold on to you for a while."

He looked stunned and finally asked her why.

She looked down again and mumbled that she'd never had something like that. She'd never been given any choice in the men that she'd had to service and even if she had a thought to pretend for a moment or two, well, they weren't there for that. The last arrangement that she'd been given into had been for an old man. She wasn't upset at his passing, but it left her nowhere with nothing but emptiness and the cavern of a woman's emotions which playthings such as her were not supposed to have.

He didn't know what to say to that.

As they drove back, Kerry was trying to decide what to do about this. But he found that one thing kept creeping into his thoughts. "I don't mean to pry," he said, "please try to understand that. I'm having trouble with what you indicated was your -- occupation -- shall we say. It sounds to me as though you were some sort of, ..." His voice trailed off there.

"I do not know the extent of what you might know of Japanese cultural history," she said as she began. "The old word for a woman such as you hold in your mind is yūjo. It is still used today, but it refers to any sort of prostitute and translates to 'woman of pleasure'.

But during Japan's feudal period, there were many classes and layers to society, and so, there were many classes of yūjo. Are you familiar with the term Geisha? Do you understand what they are?"

Kerry nodded, "Yeah, but as far as I ever knew, Geishas don't sleep with their clients."

Kumiko nodded, "Correct. A geisha is not a yūjo. Many westerners do not understand the distinction. In the old style, other than only one act of paid sex to raise money for the celebration and as a gift to the girl when she comes of age, a true Geisha does not engage in sexual acts with her clients. She must be witty and charming, flattering to her patrons and knowledgeable in the same things which might be important to them, so that she can hold up her end of an intelligent conversation with them in anything.

But it is all about something which cannot be. A Geisha might take a lover, but not from her patrons and it is a very private love then. If she marries, then she cannot be Geisha any longer and must retire."

"Then I don't understand what you were telling me," Kerry said, almost, but not quite scratching his head as a reflex as he drove and scanned the traffic ahead of them.

"I am not a Geisha," Kumiko said with a shrug, "Please allow me to continue and I will make it clear for you. My own skills predate even the Geisha. There were many levels of yūjo as I have said, and eventually, there came to be what was known as Oiran.

Oiran are women who are entertainers in many of the same ways as the Geisha but they may be better considered as courtesans. To be Oiran, a woman must be intelligent, educated in many things, so that she can also carry on an intelligent conversation, must be able to perform the tea ceremony to perfection, perform calligraphy and even flower arranging as it is or was done back then. But her services are for sale in the way that westerners think of Geisha -- if one can afford such."

She looked down then, not knowing how the next part would be received by him, wondering if she ought to feel shame in his eyes or a little accomplishment for what she'd attained at one time.

I am Tayū, the highest and the most expensive level. I was to offer the best of everything in terms of pleasantries, conversation and in many ways, people like me could be considered as the ideal wife -- for a night or two only. To connect the idea back to feudal Japan, Tayū were the level of Oiran suitable for a daimyo or lord. They were also known by the term `castle crushers` for the way that the cost of their services could drain a lord`s capital. The Tayū in that long past day were free to offer or withhold their intimate offerings, but it was not an option in my world.

Eventually, the Geisha overtook the Oiran in popularity and the Oiran faded, but there are others like me who still work a very old profession."

She drew a breath then for courage and she looked up, "That is what I am -- or was until recently. I was offered to the wealthy and used in that regard. I might wish to say that I am retired now, but the truth of it would be to say that I was retired by my employers. In an older day, a Tayū with my experience would be much sought-after by older and even wealthier men, but the truth of it today is that younger is considered better and more sought-after. So I am considered old at twenty-eight."

Kerry blinked a few times at that. He couldn`t imagine it, to be honest. Her beauty was almost on an ethereal level to him, being the uncultured gaijin that he would have to be considered to be by the same standards which would have elevated someone like her.

=================================================

They were busy the rest of the day and he never mentioned that he didn't believe her again, because the truth of it was that he was not trying to think of just how much of a lie this all might be. He'd seen all that he needed to see when he'd examined her documentation and listened to her tell of how many details were covered by it.

He'd been trying to see if this might work. He didn't need much in the way of paperwork to know that he was looking at his own son when he looked into that face, even with the oriental features that Khoe had donated to his genes and he for damned sure didn't need to examine the face of the beautiful and worried woman to know that they needed him.

He thought about it during a private moment and he knew that he'd likely never see Khoe again and now at least he had a reason for what had happened. He was sad over it once more, sure.

But he knew that he couldn't change it and though he couldn't quite understand Kumiko's motivation, he thought that he wanted to help and it was enough for him at least for now.