Kick it up a Notch Ch. 04

I was asleep when she got home, although it wasn't very late. I think she hoped to play around sexually, but I just moaned something, looked at the clock, and went back to sleep.

The next couple of months were a repeat of those couple of weeks. Ann would disappear on an occasional night to go be with John, a night when I could babysit. We'd have a threesome every now and then, but the frequency rapidly decreased.

A few months later on a weekend, Ann waited until the kids were with her parents and we were alone in the house. I had thought she might go off with John, but I was in the midst of building shelves in a closet and didn't care much. Ann asked me to come and sit with her for a moment. She sounded serious, and so I went. She announced, "I broke it off with John. We're no longer an item."

I dispassionately said, "Oh, interesting. I hope you're still friends. He meant so much to you these past years - and you to him." I didn't push for details or rationale; that was her business and her destiny to deal with, just the way it had been when she started. Ann seemed shocked that I didn't probe for details.

I started to get up to go back to my shelves, but Ann started talking and out of respect I listened. She told me more than I cared to know: she wanted John to move on and find someone permanent to be with, and she wanted to be more of a wife again to me. I remember thinking, 'Sorry about that last wish of yours, but the horse had already left the stable.' Ann would have to re-earn the right in my thinking to be a wife.

Neither of us had forecast the consequences of 'kicking it up a notch or two.' I don't know what she felt, but I knew about the happier space I'd finally moved on to.

I heard someone say, 'Fate is what life deals you; destiny is what you do with it.' I kept holding onto that statement for some reason, because I thought it epitomized what had happened. Fate had pushed John and Ann together and started their open affair that I had sanctioned in many ways; now the destiny part of the equation was in play - the emotional aftermath. I was dealing with it, and Ann would have to deal with it too.

In the months that followed we slowly slipped back into much the same routine and lifestyle that we'd had before Ann and John fell in love and started to have sex, or was it the other way around?

Ann changed jobs to an even more high-powered position that challenged her in every way possible. From time to time she'd travel, but I never blinked an eye, nor thought much about what she might be doing. I would have been interested before, but now I didn't care, even if she were getting together with someone else or having a never-ending stream of one-night stands or a long affair. I sort of preferred her being away.

The kids grew like weeds, and increasingly required two parents to manage them and help them grow to be outstanding citizens. I put my energy there.

Eventually, I changed jobs and we moved outside of the area for five years. Ann was able to negotiate a reassignment so she could come with me. It's funny, I could have gone alone, and just talked to her occasionally by phone, but she wanted to be with me. I found that interesting and sometimes confusing since she often wasn't happy with me, and I know she didn't like the place where I'd ended up after her affair had ended. I think she figured that everything about me would be unchanged, despite what she did with John or Martin and anybody, and that we'd go back to the place right before she announced about 'kicking it up a notch.' Such was not the case.

* * * * *

A few decades have passed since all these events. I reflect back on the situation that went on for those years with John and Ann, and peripherally with Carol, Martin, and Gwen. I still think of that situation in some way every day - every single day that passes! I guess that means I never got over the emotional impact of what happened, including the pain. There were huge impacts on my relationship with Ann, our marriage, and even my outlook on life and other people. I had been so naïve to think we could go through something like that and not come out the other end unscathed. Before that all started I thought Ann and I could establish separate love relationships with other people without impacting our marriage. How dumb. I'd just never thought through all of the implications, and when I started to do that I went into denial for a few weeks trying to believe that this would all turn out like some utopia where everyone would be happy and feel good about every aspect of what was going on.

Before Ann had asked me if she could 'kick her relationship with John up a notch or two,' I never thought Ann lied to me or failed to tell me things about what she was feeling or about her relationships with other people. She'd never been a person to hide her feelings or emotions, but after the affair with John, I could no longer be sure I knew what was going on in her head.

I came to believe the truth suffered greatly. I believe that I hadn't been told everything that had gone on before her 'kick it up a notch' statement and even later in the relationship, not just the sex but also the romantic attachment and the emotions and thinking that went on between Ann and John. The timeline of the start of their relationship didn't add up. More had been happening before her 'kick it up' statement. Ann inadvertently let drop a few points that indicated I was probably right, and as I thought of the way the discussion went the day she told me what she wanted to do I became surer. She had well thought-out justifications for being with John that played to my weak points. She'd done her homework about discussion points; and she was already in love and in lust with him before bringing up the 'possibility.' Ann would rationalize that she didn't tell me for my own good. Isn't that the way with affairs? This one just turned out to be unusual in that I ended up knowing and participating.

Long after the affair had ended, even when we were hundreds of miles away from John, I often wondered if they didn't get together again for old time's sake when they were near each other. I also wondered if she didn't have affairs with other men, particularly when she started to travel quite a bit as part of her job. It wasn't that I cared that much, it was more idle curiosity and often arousal at what she might be doing.

Emotionally, I withdrew from the marriage, and maybe Ann did too, although we stayed married. Ann shifted towards John, and I shifted away from Ann and the marriage. I should have probably instigated a divorce, even after things ended. I was sooutof the relationship for so many years starting somewhere in the middle of things, but there were economic and lifestyle reasons I stayed in it with Ann. Maybe that's why she stayed in it too. I know my attitude pissed her off, but I didn't care that much and it showed. I had a hard time believing Ann stayed in the relationship because of her love for me; after all, she'd cast that aside in favor of some other paradigm for a while. I'm sure we came a hare's breath away from a separation more than once.

Recently, I studied monogamy and polyamory, and how a person can love multiple people. I've come to believe that polyamory can work, providing a high level of communications and visible acts of love and kindness prevail of a frequent and consistent basis. If someone pulls away from the relationship, as I did, the other person can't just ignore it and hope it'll get better. In our case, it didn't. The words weren't there from Ann to heal the pain she knew I was feeling; at the start I told her over and over about my concerns. Ann's intense and single focus for those years was on John, not on me or even the kids, at least until she ended it, and by then things had irrevocably changed.

Even today, I carry a lot of anger at myself, sometimes to the point of loathing, rage, and depression. In those times I think I should have insisted that Ann never engage with John the way she did, and when she did I should have had the balls to leave the marriage. Staying in the relationship as things went on only made it harder and more painful for me, even after Ann and John had ended the affair. By then I had mentally exited, and I should have done it physically too.

I allowed myself to be led by my sexual arousal, and I consequently ended up in a place I didn't want to be in - being cuckolded by Ann, not in a humiliating way, but the way I behaved led to her long affair with John. Thus, I blame myself for a lot of my own pain. If I hadn't been so horny, I probably would have and should have said, 'No way; stop this.' Instead, I became a participant in something that didn't always feel good or leave a good taste in my mouth. We were toxic for each other.

Worse, I let it go on over time, and even as my anger at myself grew I didn't express it, nor did I leave the relationship or try to change what was happening. I thought about it daily, but didn't have the courage to do it. I just went along for the ride, often as an observer having little say in the direction we took. I now wish I had. On the other hand, as it started and went on, I felt certain that if I'd tried to stop their relationship, I would have driven it underground and I'd have been left with only my suspicions about what was going on when I wasn't around; they would have had the affair anyway. The way it was, much of it was visible to me.

Thinking back, I'm mad at John too, although I have to admit I did encourage him some of the time. He was ending a divorce, so was foot-loose and fancy-free to pursue any female he desired. He went after Ann, amarried woman, with intent and with a desire to pry her away from her marriage and into a much longer-term relationship with him. That said, when I was around he didn't say anything to damage Ann and my relationship, but Ann told me he admitted to her many times that his 'big' goal was to have her all to himself. I guess if he couldn't have her alone, he'd put up with me being on the fringes of their relationship, and that, by the way, is how it felt to me - I was on the fringe. Ann's primary focus over that long period was on John, and not on me. Many weekday lunch hours they'd leave work, go to his apartment and fuck, and then in the evening the three of us would frequently get together for more sex. I even wondered if they involved anybody else with them - men or women; at that time Ann was kinky enough to have done other guys, with or without John.

I became a 'fringe relationship' to Ann during those years; I'd been marginalized. I knew the two of them were fucking up a storm, as often as they could get together, plus when we'd be together in the evenings in our threesome. They traveled together and also were together when I had to travel for work. We were horny all the time. She didn't respond to me the same way she did to him, and it hurt.

Ann idealized John for a long time. He was a competent co-worker, doing great work in her field that he was handsomely rewarded for at Ann's company, and because of his new bachelorhood he could devote serious time to wooing her - and he did, with various entertaining dates, gifts, and devoted attention. Hell, they'd often go out on weekend dates, or on a weekend day she'd go over to his apartment for a few hours; I'd be home with the kids.

We were supposed to be in a 50:50 marriage by agreement, but over those years it felt like I was doing 80 percent or more of the work. I was raising our two young daughters, working long hours on a new house we were still finishing room by room, keeping our two old cars running, tending the landscaping, and doing all the other crap jobs around the house, all while rising up the managerial ranks of a couple of major corporations. Over that time, Ann invested minimally in our marriage and the chores around the house. She excused her behavior by citingher 'long' work hours. Even with our kids, once she got home and took over from the sitter, she'd keep them busy and feed them in front of the TV from about five o'clock to six-thirty or seven, when I usually got home, and after that it was my job until their bedtime. I retain the anger from being allocated to the fringe, and left with husband and handyman roles, while she went about her pleasures with John. I didn't come to that realization until I was in counseling a few years later."

Part of Ann's justification for an affair with John was based on my inattention to her, and I admit that after twelve years of marriage and in the situation we'd gotten in the jobs, house, cars, and kids, I was not as attentive as I could have been. John was attentive, and part of her justification for all that happened was thathe would fill that void inher life and I wouldn't have to worry about doing that. I wonder how she knew he would do that for her at the start?

Maybe I would have paid more attention to her if I hadn't had to be the handyman, the mechanic, the carpenter, the landscaper, the father, and the main breadwinner. I couldn't compete with John who had the time, desire, and proximity, and none of the other roles or jobs. Ann and John worked five minutes from the house and from what was then his apartment; I had a one-way fifty-five-minute commute into the city. He saw her all-day long; I got a few hours with her in the evenings at best.

Wiser now, we should have gone into counseling instead of starting a secondary relationship that rapidly became her primary focus. Despite a perfunctory 'I love you' from Ann, I ended up knowing I was the secondary relationship! Actions speak louder than words.

Funny too, is that as things changed after my west coast trip, I paid less attention to Ann than I had before all this started. I did think John was filling part of what Ann wanted, but then she ended the relationship. I never did put the energy back into trying to be a fulfilling husband.

I'd watch the two of them, even when we weren't having sex, and they were all starry-eyed about each other. It was painful and broke my heart over and over again, day after day. It was out of control. The pain got so bad some days I'd often get physically sick. One time I came down with mono, and another time chicken pox. Thinking about the relationship was consuming. More than a few times I felt suicidal or massively depressed. But then the next day, we'd get together and it would be sexy and arousing, and to her delight we'd both take turns fucking Ann's brains out. It was crazy. Maybe I was manic-depressive at the time."

I came to realize that on big important decisions, I needed 'think time' - time to digest the nature of the problem or situation, to understand all the facets of it, and then to work through possible options and solutions. On big major issues, that might take me a few weeks or even months. Ann never gave me that much time to analyze and respond; it was 'I want to kick things up a notch' and there was no thought-time allowed. When things with John started, the situation remained the same; I didn't have my think time to arrive at rational decisions until it was too late. I was along for the ride at that point, trying to keep up with what the two of them were doing.

I know part of my pain came from having one set of expectations about marriage, fidelity, our vows, and how as a couple we would relate to other people. My expectations were what might be calledtraditional. I coupled together sex, marriage, love and fidelity. Ann's actions uncoupled those from one another, and rewrote what the concept of marital fidelity meant. I knew from being next to them when it was often said, that Ann and John loved each other. Often that was a knife to my heart to hear her say those words to him. Why did she keep doing it when she knew it hurt me so much.

I came to realize how important sex is to me - with and without all of the various emotional attachments. To me, sex is a confirmation of a deep relationship in some way, a confirmation of the love if not the ultimate expression of that love between two people. When the sex ceased to beexclusive with me, the link to those emotional attachments broke forever. This was one of the reasons I emotionally withdrew from the marriage and Ann. Once broken, I didn't feel the need to be exclusive either. It wasn't that there were always other women around; I was just like an uncommitted bachelor content to be alone.

Before Ann and John, I would never have entertained the idea of an affair for myself, yet I did have several in the following years after my head settled down. I was so emotionally removed from the marriage I didn't even feel guilt, except for the minor white lies I occasionally told to create time together with a lover.

I searched for years - decades really - for someone I would prefer to be married to. I never found anyone else who stimulated me emotionally and intellectually the way Ann did. Maybe some of what she offered was the daily reminder of what went on during those years, and that satisfied my inner masochistic impulses. In other areas of our life she set the bar impossibly high for other women to attain: a distinguished and robust career, mothering (finally), giving of herself to others to help in worthwhile causes, and so on. She was chosen by many women to be their role model. If only they knew.

In my withdrawal, I became secretive. I kept my emotions and feelings close to my vest and rarely shared them. I didn't want Ann to know that I continued to think about what had gone on. I didn't want to share my thoughts with Ann, mainly because I didn't want her lectures and admonitions about how I shouldn't feel that way, and how she was trying to be such a wonderful wife - a Super-Wife. She had a huge need to be appreciated. I felt I coasted a lot in the relationship - even now. Sometimes, things would build up and I'd 'sandbag' Ann by dropping a lot of my unhappiness on her at once. I keep trying to overcome my lack of openness to her, but it's hard when part of me is still apathetic about preserving the relationship. If she were to walk out tomorrow, I'd probably just shrug.

We went through counseling a couple of times. The first time dragged up a lot of the dark emotions I'd felt during those years with John, and taken together the sessions were a painful experience. I cried a lot. Talking to the counselor alone proved to be therapeutic, but in the end little changed. Even with the counselors I kept a lot about what was happening inside my head private, in that dark space that protected my inner being.

Years later, Ann started to experience menopause and what are euphemistically called 'female problems' that necessitated us ceasing to have intercourse together. What little libido she'd had left by then was gone. There was no substitute on her behalf, no interest in any kind of lovemaking if it wasn't on her terms. Whereas she'd done some initiation up to that point, it stopped entirely. There was no leaning my way or sympathy about my needs. The result was my further alienation and withdrawal from her and the marriage. I just did my thing and she did hers; occasionally we'd talk, but the conversations were sterile and about neutral topics such as the kids, grandkids, work, house, or the weather.

Ann and I have reached a comfortable accommodation with each other at this point. We are best friends who honor each other's intellectual capacity and the shared history we have, although we don't talk about some parts of it. Maybe I stayed because I felt the devil I knew was better than the one I didn't know.

In all my travels, I've never found someone I wanted to be in a long-term relationship with more than Ann, despite all the sharp stones and pain along the route we've traveled. One daughter put a magnetic sign on our refrigerator that says, 'The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.' When I fantasize about another woman or even some kind of group relationship, I think of that sign and what it implies.