tagSci-Fi & FantasyKlaatu Barata Nikto

Klaatu Barata Nikto


"Happy birthday to you," the attractive woman sang. "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Klaatu, happy birthday to you."

Klaatu Smith opened his sleep-blurred eyes and glared at the unwelcome intruder standing at his open bedroom door holding a gift-wrapped package. A glance at the clock told him it was much too early for festivities. "It's 6:30 in the morning, Mom. I need more sleep. Come back in a couple of hours." Klaatu liked to sleep in on weekend mornings. It was Saturday.

"I've been waiting 18 years to give this gift to you, Klaatu, and I just can't wait a minute longer. I promise to leave you alone for the rest of the day if you just open this one teensy weensy package. Pretty please? It's from your father." Klaatu groaned inwardly. Whenever the topic of his father came up his mother would always tell a variation of the same story. Well, the part about the gift was new. "Your father came from another planet," Betsy Smith began.

"Really, Mom?"

"Yes, really," his mother replied. "Oh, I know you know this story but I never get tired of telling it." Klaatu knew that too. "Your father and some friends arrived on this planet while on a secret mission for a secret galactic organization and went undercover as a rock band, Nicky and the Neptunes. Get it? Nep-tunes?"

"I get it, Mom."

"Anyway, I walked into the club where your father was playing and it was love at first sight for both of us." The attractive woman blushed prettily. "You were the result." She always blushed when she told that part of the story. "Unfortunately," Betsy continued, "your father had to leave the planet just before you were born; important business on the other side of the galaxy."

Klaatu nodded as if he understood. "That's too bad, Mom." A touring rock musician knocks up an attractive teenage airhead and then suddenly has important business on the other side of the galaxy. Naturally, the airhead is so stupid she falls for his line of bullshit hook, line and sinker. "When did he say he'd be back?"

"He didn't say," Betsy replied. "The other side of the galaxy is pretty far away, you know, but he did give me this to give to you when you turned 18 years old. That's today." Klaatu's mother smiled again and said, "Open it." Klaatu looked at the package with a feeling of dread. Some guy almost 20 years in the past gives his girlfriend a package to give to their unborn child when he turns 18. The dude sure knew how to make a joke go a long way. That's probably what it was, some practical joke. Well, the young man wouldn't get any rest until he opened the package. He took the package from his mother's hands and nervously tore at the gift wrapping. The birthday boy lifted the box lid, reached in and brought out an orange metal bowl covered in ceramic and drilled with a series of small holes into a star pattern. There were two handles for lifting and a circular base for placing on a flat surface.

"Uh, thanks for the spaghetti strainer, Mom."

"It's not a spaghetti strainer, silly."

"It's a spaghetti strainer." It couldn't be anything else.

"Well, I suppose it could be used for that but it's not a spaghetti strainer."

"What is it then?"

"It's a communication helmet. You put it on and then you can talk to your father wherever he is in the galaxy." Betsy pretended to put a hat on her head as if to give her son instruction. "Isn't that exciting?"

Klaatu sighed deeply. "It's pretty exciting, Mom," he agreed.

"Well, then put it on and talk to your father. You two have a lot to catch up on."

"Maybe later, Mom. Okay? I'm still pretty tired and you did promise you'd let me get some more sleep if I opened the gift. A couple of more hours won't matter when we're talking about 18 years, right?"

"I suppose not," Betsy replied. She bent down and gave her son a kiss on the cheek. "Your father and I love you very much." She stood up and said, "We'll have cake and ice cream tonight. Would you like that?"

"I'd like that fine, Mom." He watched his mother go to the door and then turn around.

"The funny thing about it was that your father wasn't from Neptune at all. He was from Mars." She walked out and closed the door behind her but Klaatu could hear her launch into the "Happy Birthday" song again as she walked down the hall.

Klaatu lay back on his pillow and began to feel the tears well up from his eyes. Every day of his life seemed to be a constant embarrassment or humiliation all because of his mother. She always seemed to find an excuse to tell the story of meeting her Martian boyfriend. Even as a child Klaatu knew her story was even less probable than those about Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny.

At first people thought the story was cute until they had heard it five or six times. Then they began to avoid Betsy. As a consequence they made sure their children avoided Klaatu also. It wasn't easy having a ding-a-ling mom. Eventually someone told one of the supermarket tabloids of his mother's story. A reporter came out and asked Betsy a couple of questions and then had a photographer take a picture of Betsy and Klaatu. Two weeks later there was a front page headline, "I Married a Martian" three inches high all over the country. The newspaper had altered Klaatu's image giving him antennae and bug eyes. Of course, his mom had to cut the article out of the paper and put it in a scrapbook.

Then there was the matter of Klaatu's name. He was named after the character in an old science fiction film his mother liked. It wasn't so bad at first but then some of his classmates saw the film. If he heard "Klaatu barata nikto" once he heard it ten thousand times. Every single person thought he was being witty or original when he said it. Gosh! Even the cat was named Gort after the robot in the same film. Klaatu often dreamed of having his name changed legally to something more innocuous like Joe or Mike but he knew that would hurt his mother's feelings.

If all that wasn't bad enough Klaatu had the problem of turning green at the drop of a hat. The children on the school bus always gave him a wide berth because it looked like he was going to lose his breakfast. The kids drew lots and the losers had to sit next to Klaatu in class. His condition didn't help him at all when it came to meeting girls. In fact, the young man never had any luck with girls at all. He had gone his whole life without as much as a kiss to his credit. Klaatu begged his mother to have him checked out by a doctor but Betsy assured him he looked fine and anyway, all half-Martians turned green every once in a while. Klaatu never bothered to ask her how many other half-Martians she knew. When he finally went to a clinic on his own the physician, Dr. Butler, could find nothing wrong with him. At the same time Dr. Butler wanted to describe his condition for a medical journal and call it Butler's Syndrome. Klaatu declined to cooperate.

Klaatu often wondered if his mother hadn't had that accident things might have been different. His grandmother told him his mother was quite normal up to the time someone accidentally dropped a can of cling peaches from a second floor window as she was walking by. It landed on young Betsy's head and she was never the same after waking up from her concussion. Well, that still didn't explain Klaatu's turning green all the time. Klaatu couldn't stand the sight of cling peaches after hearing that story.

The young man looked once more at the spaghetti strainer, the so-called communication helmet. Klaatu wished he had a hammer handy. He'd smash it to bits. Well, that wasn't right. He knew his mother meant well. Klaatu closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep but his rest was fitful at best.

Klaatu finally got up a little after nine o'clock and wandered into the kitchen to get some breakfast. His mother was there and looked at him expectantly. "Haven't you talked to your father yet?"

"Uh, yeah Mom. Dad told me to say hello to you. He's playing a gig near Alpha Centauri."

"Oh, I don't believe you even talked to him at all," his mother replied. "If you did you'd be jumping up and down with joy."

"I tried, Mom. I really did but I got a busy signal. Thank goodness I did because then I got to thinking about all these long distance charges we'd incur. I'll get online today and find out if any of the phone companies offer a galaxy-wide plan."

"You can stop right now, Mr. Klaatu Smith," Betsy snapped. "Don't think I don't know when I'm being teased. I'm sure I won't mention your father to you ever again." She left the kitchen in a huff.

Klaatu sighed deeply. He did that a lot. Some days he sighed so much he'd start to hyperventilate. The young man didn't like to hurt his Mom's feelings but he seemed to have a talent for it. Klaatu really worried about his mother a lot. She was beautiful yet very vulnerable. Men seemed to sense her vulnerability and were constantly trying to hit on her; right in front of Klaatu! Even as a child, Klaatu wanted to beat up those guys. Well, he did have one secret weapon. If the guy teased Klaatu, and they invariably did, he was out the door.

Betsy Smith made a good living selling cosmetics on commission as a beauty consultant with an upscale department store. In fact, she was one of their top producers. Still, she was warned a couple of times that talking about Martians was against store policy.

Klaatu often wondered what he was going to do to make a living. He really didn't have a talent or interest to speak of. Now that the young man was through high school he thought he'd better start making some plans for his future. His high school grades were nothing to brag about and Klaatu didn't think he was college material anyway. Klaatu was too busy feeling sorry for himself to pay any attention to his mom who reentered the kitchen. It was a simple matter for Betsy to walk up beside her son and slip the spaghetti strainer/communication helmet on his head. "No, Mom," Klaatu began to protest but then he started to feel weird. Betsy looked at her son and saw the trance-like state in his eyes. She nodded in satisfaction and went off to vacuum the living room floor.

What's Mom done to me? Klaatu thought. He felt dizzy and disoriented. "You'll feel all right in a minute," a stranger's voice beside him said. He did feel better after another few moments and then cautiously looked around. Standing beside him was a man he'd never seen before.

"Where am I and...who are you? Where's my mother?"

"You're still at home on Earth. I'm sure your mother is still in the house somewhere close by. As far as who I am? Well, I'm your father."

Klaatu shook his head as if trying to wake up from a deep sleep. He was outside and it was night. Countless stars blazed brightly above him. "I'm not at home. I'm not even on Earth." The man he was staring at didn't look much older than Klaatu. "You can't be my father." The young man finally decided he'd accidentally ingested some drug and was hallucinating.

"I know what you're thinking but Martians are a long-lived people," said the man. "I won't be looking much older for a very long time. Where we're meeting is on a different plane of existence where time and distance doesn't mean much. We can meet and talk as if we were standing next to each other but we're really not. The man passed his hand through Klaatu's body. "See?"

"I see that I've finally lost it," said Klaatu. "I'm going to the mental health clinic just as soon as I've come down from whatever I'm on."

The man chuckled. "I can understand how you might think that way but, just for the sake of argument, let's pretend everything is just as it seems."

"Fine," said Klaatu. "I'll play along. I just want to say I hate your Martian guts for abandoning my mom and me and I hope I never see or hear from you again. If I could really touch you it would be with my fists." Klaatu knew it was just a hallucination but he just needed to get some things off his chest.

"Your mother told me you might be upset at our first meeting."

"Don't bullshit me! You haven't talked to my mom in over 18 years."

"I talk to your mother almost every night before she's goes to sleep. I've done it for the past 18 plus years. That's how we've remained so close; communication. You know about those Godzilla earrings she never takes off? That's her direct line to me."

Klaatu knew about the Godzilla earrings but then so would his hallucination. "I...I don't believe any of this but even if it's true, why didn't you ever talk to me? I sure wanted to. I wanted to believe in you."

"I couldn't talk to you without you using the helmet. I couldn't let you use the helmet without also giving you the powers which you're receiving now. You weren't ready for them before today. As far as not believing any of this I don't blame you," said Klaatu's father, "so let me just prove it to you. The helmet you're wearing is making some changes in your mind and body chemistry as we speak. Your mother tells me you haven't had much luck with girls. That's about to change in a big way. I won't have to explain it to you. It'll just come to you naturally."

"Yeah, sure. Thanks," said Klaatu.

"Fine," his father said. "Let's keep this meeting short, okay? If you want to talk to me again tomorrow just put the helmet back on and I'll be here."

"Dad?" Klaatu shouted but he found himself sitting alone at the kitchen table. It had seemed so real. He slipped the helmet off and set it down on the table in front of him. It's just a spaghetti strainer. I was just freaking out the young man told himself.

"That was pretty quick," said Betsy as she walked into the kitchen. "I thought you two would be at it for hours."

"We, uh...decided not to overdo it," Klaatu replied. He stood up and went back to his bedroom where he flopped down on the bed and slept soundly until noon. When the young man woke up he felt a little better but he certainly didn't feel any different. He didn't look any different either from what he could see in the mirror. The changes that were supposed to be taking place must be pretty subtle. Either that or it had just been a weird dream after all. After cleaning up and dressing he wandered out to the back yard.

Wanda Morgenstern was in the next yard sunbathing in a next to nothing bikini. "Hi, Kermit," Wanda called when she saw him. She had graduated with Klaatu.

"Hi, Wanda," Klaatu said with a sigh. Wanda had nicknamed him Kermit the first time she saw him turn green. He felt his boner coming on. Wanda did that to him whenever she was near. Klaatu once thought Wanda was going to allow him to kiss her but she backed away at the last second. That was just one more humiliation. Her girlfriends had been nearby and they had teased Wanda for backing down on their dare. A dare! In her loudest voice, Wanda told her friends that Kermit was turning green and she was afraid he was going to puke in her mouth. That brought lots of laughter and another one of the girls cracked that it wasn't easy being green.

Klaatu sighed again. The incident didn't sour his attitude toward Wanda. In fact, it made him even more enamored toward her. Wanda barely cleared five feet in height. She had dark curly hair that hung down to her waist with tits that stuck out to next year. Wanda was a classic Mediterranean beauty. Klaatu wondered if he was in love with Wanda. He certainly lusted after her but that wasn't supposed to be the same. Either that or he was a masochist. He noticed Wanda get up and walk toward him.

"Do you like my outfit? It's new."

"It's lovely," Klaatu replied. He didn't have to lie about that. She always had good taste in clothing.

"Thanks! So, where are you going to school next year?"

"I was thinking about getting a job for a year and then who knows?" I'll probably be flipping hamburgers at the Burger King for all my talent. "How about you?"

"I'm going to be traveling for a year...to Europe and Israel. I leave next week."

"That's super!" Klaatu said enthusiastically. "Be sure to send me some postcards." He wished he could go with her. Klaatu would genuinely miss her.

"I'll do that. Is there anything you want me to bring back?"

"Just yourself," said the young man sincerely.

Wanda smiled and said, "That's sweet of you to say that, Kermit. I hope I see you again before I leave." She turned to walk away.



"I'm still waiting for that kiss you promised me two years ago." Oh, gosh! Why did I say that? She'll probably laugh at me, the young man thought. Klaatu felt himself turning green with embarrassment. Instead of laughing, Wanda leaned over the low split rail fence that separated their yards and pressed her lips to his. Klaatu was so astounded he barely kissed back.

"I hope that was worth the wait," the young woman said after she broke the kiss.

"Oh, yeah," Klaatu breathed. "Uh, is any of your family home?"

"Not until four," Wanda replied.

"Let's go inside. I want to fuck you." Klaatu was amazed at his gall and waited for her outraged protest. He knew he didn't have the nerve to say anything like that so why was he saying it? The young man wanted to apologize and beat a hasty retreat but a little voice in his head started telling him this was Klaatu's new power which his father talked about. Could it be true? Wanda only nodded and started walking. The young man climbed over the fence and followed the beauty to the back door of her house. Wanda didn't make any comment as he joined her and followed the lovely girl to her bedroom. Heh! I can do anything I want and she can't stop me, Klaatu realized. The thought that Wanda wasn't really doing anything voluntarily gave the young man a brief twinge of guilt until she took off her bikini top. Her ample tits barely drooped. That's when all of Klaatu's ambivalent feelings disappeared and he quickly shucked his jeans.

Klaatu looked at Wanda's eyes. They appeared unnaturally dilated for the amount of light in the bedroom. The girl had to be in a trance. Klaatu wondered if she would remember any of this later on. Hmm. Maybe it would be better if she didn't. He'd give her some post-hypnotic instruction after this was all over. Wanda pulled down her bikini bottoms and climbed on the bed. Klaatu got a nice view of her neatly trimmed bush. Darn! I'm about to lose my cherry with this dream girl, Klaatu thought. "Are you virgin, Wanda?" The girl shook her head. Klaatu thought about asking who'd she been to bed with then decided he didn't want to know. "Are you on the pill?" This time Wanda nodded her head. That was good. Klaatu didn't have a condom. He'd never needed one before. The young man finished undressing and joined Wanda on the bed. Klaatu was in heaven. Everything about Wanda's body was touchable and waiting to be touched...and caressed...and kissed. Where should he start? Wanda wasn't waiting for Klaatu for to decide. She grasped his prick and started guiding it inside her body.

Klaatu gasped as he slid into the warm, velvety softness of Wanda's tight, wet pussy. The young man felt like he was experiencing paradise but he had barely begun to celebrate the loss of his virginity before he knew he was in trouble. The unfortunate fellow was losing control. He was already about to cum. He tried to remain still and regain some control but Wanda's vaginal muscles were massaging his prick like magic fingers. Klaatu groaned in frustration as he felt himself spurt...spurt...spurt inside the lovely girl's reproductive system. Oh no! Klaatu thought. Now Wanda's going to tell everyone I'm lousy in bed. Wait a minute! She's not supposed to remember any of this. "Wanda?" Klaatu said.

"Yes, Kermit?"

"You won't remember anything that happened between us after we kissed. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Kermit."

"And Wanda?"

"Yes, Kermit?"

"I don't like to be called Kermit. My name is Klaatu. Do you understand?"

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