Know Means Know

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A family struggles to overcome adversity.
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A slightly different take on a common trope.

Please read my profile for my stance on feedback. Feel free to email suggestions or start a conversation. Private messages work too.

Michael W Campbell, Don Henley: "Now I don't understand, what happened to our love. But babe, I'm gonna get you back, I'm gonna show you what I'm made of."

+ + + +

I wasn't born an only child. My older brother, Scott Jr., was riding his bicycle when he was struck and killed by a drunk driver. It was three in the afternoon. He was ten at the time. My father, Scott, went into a deep depression and started drinking heavily. Both he and my mother, Nita, became very clingy with me. My every move was planned. Yeah, it was a hassle, but even as a kid I understood why. Scott's drinking problem is now only an occasional thing.

Every chance he got, Scott would volunteer as a helper or coach. I'm not blessed with a ton of athletic ability, but I was always able to make the high school teams. Occasionally I'd start, but mostly I'd be the first off the bench. That didn't deter Scott from being my biggest supporter. He was very patient with me, helping me work through the things I'd done wrong in a game.

We fished and hiked together. When I went to college I played on the golf team. It cost more than a little, but Scott and Nita went to all my college events. Sometimes they were in Florida or on the left coast. They were always there for me. At times it seemed like Scott and I were brothers.

Once I married Sari, six years ago, it crimped our get togethers. Still, at least once a week, I'd swing by for a beer or some minor fix it project. Once or twice a month, I'd spend all day Saturday or Sunday doing some of the bigger projects. The house I grew up in was old, and had what appeared to be an endless supply of projects.

At times, Scott seemed very aloof with Sari. I even quipped "If I didn't know better, I think Scott is jealous of you."

Sari quickly responded "You know I'm beginning to think there's something to that."

+ + + +

Sari has me worried. For the last week, I've heard her muffled sounds of pain. She gets up early and, instead of using the master bathroom, goes down to the first floor and uses that bathroom.

The first time I noticed it, thinking that maybe she had heard 'a noise', I followed her down. When the bathroom door closed, I became curious. Standing close enough, I heard the unmistakable sounds of retching. My mind was presenting all sort of possible reasons, but my overriding concern was why is she not sharing this with me?

Retreating back to the master bedroom, Sari eventually came up and closed the master bathroom door behind her. The shower started and she finished her normal 'getting ready for work' routine.

I pondered the situation all day, which impacted my productivity. Sari rarely gets sick. The last time she retched was when she had morning sickness with our third child. We wanted three kids, and in a span of just over three years, we welcomed Brad then Jan and finally Adam. After that I had a vasectomy. Raising three was a challenge and there was no way I wanted more. My youngest, Adam, is fast approaching his first birthday.

On my way home I had to pick up diapers, so I was mingling in the baby section of the superstore. When I saw the early pregnancy test boxes, something clicked. My stomach immediately cramped at the thought. Could Sari be pregnant? I spent the next twenty minutes wandering the isles. Would she, could she, has she cheated? I had to eliminate that doubt. Looking over my choices, the simplest early pregnancy test to use required dipping the test strip in urine. How in the hell am I going to do that?

With the box of two test strips in my glove box, I avoided the highways driving at a nice leisurely pace. Talk about turmoil. Every time I thought about Sari cheating on me, my blood pressure skyrocketed and I gripped the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turned white. On the other hand, if she isn't pregnant I'd be so embarrassed that I doubted her fidelity.

So there I sat in my recliner, reading books to Jan and Brad, while trying to drown out the million voices in my head. When the kids were settled in bed, Sari plopped down on the couch.

"Mitch, you've been off in never never land tonight. Something on your mind?"

"I guess. Someone at work found out his wife was cheating on him. We all thought things were great with them."

Unfazed, Sari continued "Why is it bothering you so much?"

"It just does. You should see how it has devastated him. He's divorcing her."

Sari wasn't the least bit concerned "Maybe we can have a little fun tonight to ease your pain."

"No thanks."

And then the dots connected for Sari. Her body language changed immediately. No longer was she wanting to talk. Although the front room didn't need it, Sari started nervously tidying up. I mulled over my options while pretending to watch television. A plan came into focus by the end of the night.

+ + + +

About four months ago, Sari started working part time. Her mother watches the kids until lunchtime, and then Sari returns home and takes over. It isn't about the money, although every little bit helps, but it allows Sari time to spend around adults.

The next day Sari gave me the opening I needed to implement my plan. After dinner, I was playing with Adam when Sari handed me a list.

"Sweetie, could you run out and get some things for me?"

"Tell you what. I'll watch the kids while you go get them. It will do you good to get out of the house."

"Deal!"

As soon as I heard her drive away I rounded up Jan and Brad and made them use the potty. I flushed and cleaned the master bathroom toilet. Turning the water supply off, I flushed again until the tank was empty. Then I cupped the remaining water from the toilet into the sink. I used a washrag to sop up the remaining water. It was completely dry now. My hope, and flimsy plan, was that I'd be using the downstairs bathroom, when Sari came home, thus forcing her to use the upstairs toilet. We have another bathroom upstairs, but I took the tank top off and set it on the seat. Her best choice would be the one that I'd emptied.

It worked well enough. When Sari returned, I excused myself and hid in the main level bathroom. Hearing the stairs creak, I waited for the announcement.

"Mitch, the toilet won't flush!"

"I'll have a look. The other one wasn't working earlier" as I deliberately lied to Sari for the first time in our marriage.

Sari had changed into her sweats when she descended the stairs. I wasted no time bounding up to the second floor. There in the toilet was her urine sample. It only took a minute to get the first result. Pregnant. Actually finding out hurt worse than I expected. Closing and locking the bathroom door, I sat alone with tears clouding my vision. Using the other test strip, I confirmed the result. Positioning the test results, on the empty EPT box, Sari would see what I just saw. Turning the water back on, I symbolically flushed my marriage. Before descending the stairs, I put the other bathroom back into working condition.

After struggling down the stairs, I grabbed my keys and cell phone. Sari was putting things away in the kitchen.

"I'm headed over to my parents' house" was my parting statement.

Whether Sari said anything or not I couldn't tell. My head was about to explode. Does this mean divorce? How could it not? By the time I parked in front of my parent's house, I was numb. It took me another fifteen minutes of sitting alone in the moonlight to find the strength in my legs. I shuffled slowly to the front porch and rang the doorbell.

Scott flipped the porch light on and cracked the door open.

"Mitch? What are you doing here? Are you alright? You look sick."

Closing the door long enough to unlatch the restraint, the door swung open. I saw Nita fast approaching. Her hand immediately went to my forehead. You know mothers, always taking your temperature.

Although I didn't disclose why Sari and I were having issues, I talked with Scott and Nita for about an hour. My phone chimed with a text from Sari 'How much longer will you be?'

'I don't know. Go to bed.'

Scott said it best, if there is a way to separate good from bad "Are you better off with her, or without her?"

After hugs, I went downstairs to my old bedroom. Moving some boxes off of the bed, and pounding the dust aside, I flopped in the middle and stared at the ceiling. I thought about turning my cell phone off, but she knows I'm here so she'd only bother my folks. Five minutes after her text, Sari called.

"Mitch, I'm sorry" through the sobs "It's not what you think. Please don't leave me."

"Like saying I'm sorry is going to fix things? Not what I think? Go to bed Sari. Leave me alone. I need some space."

Through the sobbing gasps "Come home Mitch. We can work this out."

"I don't see how Sari. Don't call again tonight and please don't bother my parents" as I disconnected. I turned the volume on my cell phone down.

+ + + +

Sleep? Yeah right. Between anger and despair, my emotions bounced back and forth all night. Who, when, and always the big one, why? There were a few missed calls, and as many voicemails from Sari. When I didn't respond, last night, she resorted to text messages.

I listened to all of the voicemails. She really wasn't giving any details, just that she was sorry and didn't want to lose me. The text messages weren't much different.

Forcing myself to focus, I made it through the work day. Sari knew my schedule and my phone rang moments before I reached my car as I left work.

"Hello Sari."

"Mitch, please don't hang up on me" as her voice cracked a bit.

"Who's the father?"

"I don't want to tell you that."

Fuck her. I disconnected the call. Her next call came in a minute later.

"I need to know. Who's the father?"

"Mitch please don't make me tell you. You'd only be hurt knowing it."

"I need to know. You're making it too easy Sari. I will contact a divorce attorney tonight and get the process started."

That resulted in screams of NO and sobbing.

"Last chance Sari. WHO?"

"Please Mitch" was the last thing I heard before hanging up again.

I sat in my car pounding on the steering wheel. Her damn lover means more to her than me. Once my emotions were somewhat in check, I drove back to my folk's house. Asking around, one of my divorced coworkers provided a name for a lawyer. I left a voicemail as it was after hours now. Surprisingly, she called back around 7 Pm. Telling her my story, she asked me to stop by her office after work the following day.

+ + + +

Marian, my divorce lawyer, presented my choices "Do you want to request counseling?"

"Yes, if only to force her to name the father. I need to know."

"She might still decline to disclose his name."

It had been a couple of days since I'd seen my kids, so I asked Marian to contact Sari and arrange something. My preference would be where Sari would leave me alone. Marian motioned me out of her office. I waited in the reception area.

When Marian came out of her office "Mitch, the kids are staying with her parents for a few days. You are welcome to drop by any time."

"Will Sari be there?"

"I stressed that you currently did not want to meet with her. She is quite distraught. I even tried to slip in a 'who is the father' but she completely ignored me."

"I just don't get it. How does she expect me to move forward not knowing?"

Marian shrugged her shoulders and shook her head no.

Spending a few hours, until their bedtime, I enjoyed my kids. Are they even my kids? I decided to get DNA test kits and swab their chubby cheeks tomorrow night. Sari's father wouldn't acknowledge me, and her mother wore a forlorn look with tear filled eyes.

Marian had Sari served at our house the next day. On my next visit with my kids, I swabbed the cheeks of Adam, Jan, and Brad, along with mine, and mailed the kits. After listening to the heartfelt plea from Sari's mother, I answered my cell the next time Sari called.

"Mitch! Don't hang up, please, please, please don't hang up."

"What do you want Sari?"

"I want to stay married to you."

"Are you going to get an abortion?"

The answer didn't come quickly "No."

"You expect me to raise your lover's kid? NO FUCKING WAY!"

"I'm giving it up for adoption."

Now it was my turn to think before talking "Do you even know who the father is?"

"Mitch! Do you think I'm a slut? Is that it? How can you even think that?"

"Easy Sari. You're a married woman, pregnant by man other than your husband. Is it because you have so many lovers or gangbangs that naming a father would only be a guess?"

Belligerently "I know who he is, but I can't tell you."

"See you in court" and my routine of disconnecting in anger continued.

A week later I learned that I was indeed the father of three children. It was a relief, but didn't erase my pain.

+ + + +

The first court hearing resulted in mandatory counseling.

"Good evening. My name is Walter Simmons. You can call me anything you want. We are here this evening as the courts have ordered counseling to see if there's a way to save this marriage. You arrived first Mrs. Pedrick, so please introduce yourself and what you hope to accomplish this evening."

"My name is Sari Pedrick, and I hope that you can convince Mitch to stop the divorce."

"Your turn Mr. Pedrick."

"My name is Mitch. My hope is that Sari will finally realize that only when I know every last detail, will I consider stopping the divorce."

Sari looked terrible. She'd lost a lot of weight, and she wasn't overweight to begin with. With her being pregnant, I knew that wasn't a good thing. After I spoke, a tear or two dripped down each of Sari's cheeks.

Walter continued "Who wants to tell me why we are here tonight?"

I paused long enough to see that Sari had no intention of speaking, so I spent a few minutes covering Sari's betrayal.

"Sari, can I dismiss Mitch for the remainder of this session. I think you and I need to talk alone."

Looking only at Walter, Sari nodded yes.

"Very well then. Mitch, we will see you next week, same day, same time."

"Thank you Walter. Good night."

And with that, my first session of marriage counseling came to a close. I was still managing to see Jan, Brad, and Adam three times a week. Is this what the next seventeen years is going to be like? Maybe so, but it sucked.

Sari wasn't in Walter's office when the next session started.

"Good evening Mitch. It will just be you and I for the first twenty minutes. Depending on how that goes, Sari will join us, or we'll just call it an evening. Are you okay with that?"

"Not a problem. So what's up Walt?"

"Let's spend a few minutes having you tell me about yourself. Fill me in about your upbringing."

It took fifteen minutes to spill my guts. The description I gave of my parents was as if we were the Cleavers.

"Very good. Now let me tell you about last week. I had a very productive meeting with Sari. First off, I'll tell you that she has a very valid reason for withholding that information. I've never seen any woman in love with someone more than she is with you."

Anger quickly overrode all my other emotions "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WITH WHAT SHE'S DONE?"

"Calm down Mitch. If she tells you the truth, you will be very hurt. If she hadn't accidently become pregnant, you would have never known. It comes down to 'do you really need to know'?"

I was fuming. None of this made any sense.

"She's willing to throw our marriage away to protect her lover?"

"Mitch, if what she told me is true, she doesn't have a lover. She's willing to disclose everything, but I agree with her. You will be deeply hurt knowing it. You have to decide what you want. Choice number one is that you can accept the pregnancy, put the baby up for adoption, and then live happily ever after. Choice number two, is to learn the truth, live with the consequences, and hope that living happily ever after is possible. Your third choice is to continue with the divorce and spend the next seventeen years as a father paying child support, spousal support, and having limited visitation rights."

"Get Sari in here. I'll take my chances."

Walter left me in his office and returned a few minutes later with Sari. She acted very upbeat. She was in her fourth month of pregnancy and showing.

"Sari" was my greeting.

"Mitch, I'm sorry, but if this is the only way to keep you, I'll tell you. Just remember that I love you and didn't want to hurt you."

"Whatever, I need to know. Tell me all about it."

Taking a deep breath, and looking me in the eyes, Sari turned my world upside down.

"I don't know if you remember it, but we spent June 15th at your parent's house. You were helping Scott with the new porch concrete work. Nita and I were planting flowers. I wore that yellow sundress with sandals, if that will help you remember the day."

She stopped, but I said nothing. I did remember that day. That's the last time I can remember her in that dress.

"We were going to stay for dinner, but you got a call around 4 Pm and ran into the office. I stayed behind with the kids as you promised to be back in time for dinner. Scott had been drinking a lot. I was in the back bedroom, changing the diaper on Adam when Scott snuck up behind me. He put his hand over my mouth and told me that he'd kill me if I made a noise. He is so much bigger and stronger than I am, that I just stood there shaking. I tried to beg him not to do it, but he still had his hand over my mouth. With his other hand, he force my panties down, and then undid his own pants. He raped me Mitch."

Sari was fighting back the tears. My head was spinning and I blurted out "YOU'RE LYING!"

"I'M NOT!"

Walter interjected "Calm voices people! Nobody say a thing until I tell you to!"

It seemed like an eternity. My stomach was in a knot. There was a lump in my throat. My head spun from 'she's lying' to 'I'll kill that bastard'. I felt a sweat drop roll down my forehead. This sucks.

Walter opened the floor again "Sari, are you lying?"

"No, I'm not. I was raped by Scott."

"Yes you are. My father would never do something like that!"

"He did."

Sari was gasping for air as she sobbed. I was numb. My father a rapist? The room fell eerily silent.

Once Sari regained her composure "Knowing how close you are with your family, I decided to say nothing about it. You noticed that I was out of sorts when you came back for dinner. I was able to convince you that I must have had too much sun. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I would have taken this to my grave. I won't abort the child, but the bastard will never get to spend a day with it. That's why I'm putting it up for adoption. Had you been paying attention, you'd realize that since then I've begged off every time you wanted me to go over to your parent's house with you."

"You should have told me. I love you more than my parents."

"Would you have believed me?"

It took me forever to finally mutter softly "no"

My heart was breaking for Sari. I got up and sat down beside her, pulling her close to me. Our tears continued for several minutes.

"I'll kill the bastard."

"NO! That's another reason why I didn't tell you!"

Walter joined "Sari and I agreed that you should get a DNA swab from Scott. When the bastard child is born, swab the baby and confirm Sari's story."

Through my tears, I nodded my affirmation.

Sari immediately asked "Will you move home?"

"Tonight. I'll invite my parents out to eat and then ghost them. While they are waiting, I'll gather my stuff. I still wish you would have told me sooner, but I understand your concerns. Losing their other son will impact them hard, but he doesn't deserve any sons."

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