Know Thyself Ch. 08

Thank you everyone for your continued support of this series. We're nearing the end of Ashley's story. Chapter nine will be the final chapter of the series. Thank you for helping Ashley through her journey and I hope you continue to read it through the very end.

The sun is shining in but the room still feels dim. It's weird being back in this body. You'd think having only spent two months as Ashley I'd be used to this. I spent thirty years as Ben and already he feels foreign to me. Not to mention the room itself.

Why am I in my old room at my parents' house?

It's not as if the room is that familiar to me. Once I moved out all those years ago, they made it a guest room, taking out all the old furniture and buying new ones. I'm not sure why my departure prompted the need for new furniture, but nothing in this room was here while I lived in it.

I must be visiting or something.

I usually sleep in here when I come home for the holidays.

Maybe I'm here for my birthday?

The night I transformed into Ashley was the night of my thirtieth birthday, so maybe I came here for that.

But that doesn't make sense. I fell asleep in my apartment when I changed into her.

My phone is on the end table next to my bed, so I pick it up and swipe to unlock it but it asks for a password. I almost forgot. Ashley's phone was never password protected and I just got used to not entering one. It takes a moment for me to remember my old password, but of course it still comes natural and the screen unlocks. That familiar New York Giants logo on the background gives me the chills. How does something feel familiar and foreign at the same time?

The first thing that stands out to me is the date. I haven't gone back to that day two months ago when I changed into Ashley. Time has kept going. It's the day after yesterday when I was Ashley. I've missed the last two months of my Ben-life.

Shit! I'm going to go through the same issues I did when I changed into Ashley.

What's happened in the last two months for Ben? The last time I was him I had been laid off from my job. Have I found a new one? Do I have somewhere I need to be?

What's happened to Ashley?

I pull up Facebook and search for her but nothing comes up. I know her profile is public, so she should come up if I type her name in. I try it a second time but I know what's going on.

She doesn't exist anymore, just like Ben didn't while I was her.

Ashley Montgomery no longer exists.

What about Wendy?

Things finally started to work between us. I had finally won her heart. Instead of losing her, I lost the entire universe she existed in. I search for her profile and she comes up. She looks different but I can't quite put my finger on it.

She's not going to college.

That was always the first thing you'd notice on her page. She would always be posting things with Boston College tagged as the location. Under her "About Me" section she doesn't have any college listed but she does have a current job.

She's a barista at Starbucks.

What the hell? Then I notice the weirdest part of her profile.

"Interested in: Men"

She's listed her sexual preference as straight. I stare at it for a long time, trying to figure out what that means. Why would the non-existence of Ashley change her sexual orientation? She's also listed as single.

I need to find the Fountain Man and tell him to change me back. He said I have to make a choice. All I have to do is tell him I've made it already.

Wearing only boxers, I put on a shirt and walk into the hallway. I can hear voices in the kitchen as I slowly make my way down the hall, glancing at the old pictures of me with my parents hanging on the wall. It's so weird, all these memories coming back to me all at once. Something else seems different as well. What is it?

The colors.

All the colors I see look different. They're all kind of dimmed out, flat in a way. It's almost like I'm seeing the world through some Instagram filter that's aged the images. I forgot, Ashley see's colors much brighter and more vibrantly than Ben does. I've lost some of my sense of color. It's weird to think for thirty years I never knew there was anything wrong with the way I saw the world. Now it's like I'm wearing a pair of smudged glasses.

When I get to the end of the hall I peek around the corner into the kitchen. There they are, my old parents. My dad is wearing his usual button down, tie, and slacks with a newspaper unfolded in front of him. He never used to read the newspaper regularly until it started going out of business. He said it's everyone's responsibility to keep them alive, so he makes a point of keeping his subscription active and reading it everyday. My mom is sitting on the opposite side of the table, buttering the bottom side of a bagel. She glances up and notices me.

"Oh Ben, you're up! What are you doing up so early?" She sounds nervous, almost forcibly chipper.

I take a seat at the table and look back and forth between them.

"Something important going on today?" She asks.

"Uh...I don't know," I say, not sure what I'm supposed to say.

My dad huffs on the other side of me. I'm not sure what that means so I let it go.

"There's coffee, sweetie," my mom says, gesturing to the coffee.

I get up and pour myself a cup. I walk over to the fridge to get some milk, glancing at my dad as I pass by. He doesn't look up at me.

"I'm going to the park and then I'll probably stop by my place," I say as I pour the milk.

"You're place?" My dad says with an air of laughter.

"What place?" My mom asks.

I turn around and look at them. "My apartment."

My mom stares at me with a worried look. "Are you okay, Ben?"

I nod, still trying to figure her out.

"Are you taking it back?" She asks.

"Not until you get a job," my dad barks, still holding the newspaper up to his face.

I put the milk back in the refrigerator and take my seat at the table.

"Taking it back?" I ask my mom.

"You gave it up, didn't you? Because you lost your job?"

I nod. "Right."

Shit! I moved back home? I must've found someone to take over my lease. God, now I'm living with my parents in this life too!

"Right," my mom says.

We all sit in silence for a moment. My dad finally puts the newspaper down and finishes his coffee.

"Time to go," he says and walks to the living room.

My mom and I don't say anything until we hear the front door close.

"You know him," she says. "Just trying to motivate you."

I almost forgot how much of an asshole my dad is in this life.

"The job search hasn't been going well the last couple of months," I say to my mom. I try to sound confident, but really I'm probing for information.

"It'll turn around, honey. You're just too qualified, that's all. Eventually there will be something." She has that motherly reassurance, as if I made an error in a t-ball game or something.

I take a good look at her and realize how much I've missed her. It has been a couple months since I've seen her face. She catches me staring at her and smiles back at me.

"What?" She asks.

I shake my head. "Nothing. I've just missed you is all."

"Missed me?" She says with a laugh. "I'd of thought you'd be sick of me by now, having lived here the last two months. You never liked being home for very long."

"Well I'm glad I am now."

"See, I told you some good would come of you being laid off."

I miss how she always turns the worst things into something good.

"I don't think dad feels the same way."

"Ah well, he's always grumpy, so what's the difference?"

We both share a laugh.

"Alright, well I should get ready," I say.

"Why? Where are you going?"

"The park."

"Oh yes, that's right. Sounds fun. You should bring your laptop and work on your resume."

"Sure," I say, having no intention of doing that. I wonder if I haven't been working on it this whole time. It has been about two months, there's no way I've just been sitting around.

Or maybe I've forgotten exactly who I was before I changed. If Ben Telaney was anything, he was lazy.

I hop in the shower and start soaping my body. It feels so weird. This is exactly how I felt when I first changed, the unfamiliarity of being in someone else's body. Now the feeling of Ben's stocky body is what's foreign. I start to soap my cock and I feel that familiar tingling again. It starts to get bigger until finally I have a full hard on in the shower. As I hold it, I start to remember what it was like to suck Matt's cock. The thought doesn't repulse me even though I'm Ben again.

I can't leave myself like this the rest of the day, so I start to stroke my cock, the warm water from the shower beating down on my back shielding the front of my body from the water. I close my eyes and imagine I'm back in Matt's bedroom, on my knees with his cock inside my mouth. It's too bad him and I didn't have sex. I would've liked to lose my girl-virginity to him. My hand starts to slap against my pelvis as I beat it harder. I let out a moan that sounds eerily like Ashley, high pitched and girly. In my head I see Matt's cock in front of me as I take it in and out of my mouth and just as I remember the warm feeling of his cum filling my mouth, I feel the same warm cum fill my hand as I orgasm in the shower. After one or two last jerks, I lift my cum filled hand in front of my face. I remember getting so turned on when Matt came in my mouth. I felt proud, knowing that I was able to bring him to completion. I realize right now that feeling still turns me on. Even though I'm in Ben's body I still feel like a woman. I'm no longer Ben having returned to my original body, I'm Ashley and I've been put in the body of a man.

I slowly and hesitantly run my hand along my outstretched tongue, scooping up my cum into my mouth. That familiar taste returns to me as I swallow my own orgasm. The thing I find interesting is that I feel completely comfortable. The sexuality I had as Ashley has transferred with me. Maybe I always felt like this when I was Ben and the only thing that's different now is the disappearance of my inhibitions. Maybe it would be worth exploring these feelings as Ben but I do know time doesn't stop just because I'm in this life now. Every moment I spend here is a moment lost in Ashley's life. The last thing I want to do is return to her and find I've lost Wendy again. I want to be in the driver's seat. I don't want to be lost anymore.

I turn the water off and start to dry myself with a towel. I wrap it around my chest so it covers my whole body. It's not until I pass by the mirror that I realize my mistake. Though I'm alone, I can't help but feel embarrassed as I move the towel so it just covers my waist. I get dressed in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I never owned any clothes as nice as Ashley's and I kind of miss it. Before I walk out the door I grab my coat and start walking to the subway. I almost forgot how easy it is to get ready when you're a man. No makeup, no blowdrying, no anything other than putting on clothes.

The subway ride takes forever since I'm all the way down in Bay Ridge. I look around the train and realize no one is looking at me. No one is checking me out, no one is sneering at me. I'm actually being left alone and it feels great.

I wish I could ride the subway like this as Ashley.

After what feels like forever, I finally get off the train and start walking towards the Bethesda Fountain. It's just as crowded today as it always is with mothers and nannies pushing strollers around. Kids are playing and hot dog vendors are...hot dog vending? I start to walk around the fountain, looking for any sign of the Fountain Man. The patio is a mesh of people without a care in the world. Having the luxury of being in Central Park in the middle of a workday is something usually lost on the people who can afford it. I walk around trying to get a good look at everyone's face but I don't see him. As I scan the faces, I do a double take as I spot one familiar person in the crowd.

Charles.

He's sitting on a bench with a laptop open in front of him. I see him scanning the crowd and he glances right around me. I guess I'm of no interest to him now that I no longer have breasts. Asshole.

I continue walking around until I finally accept the truth. The Fountain Man isn't here. Or at least, he's not showing himself to me.

I hope that doesn't mean I'm stuck like this. He said I have a decision to make, so there's no way this is it.

I sit down on a bench and pull out my phone, trying to think of something I can do. Maybe I can make a wish again. That's always a possibility, but I don't have a silver half-dollar coin. Although, the coin probably doesn't matter. I look up at the angel atop the fountain.

Please change me back into Ashley, I think as I gaze up at her. I glance around again hoping to see the Fountain Man somewhere but I don't.

What now?

I pull up Facebook and look at Wendy's profile again. Her last post was something about work and she tagged the Starbucks in Union Square. I can go visit her. She's not going to know who I am, so what's the point?

But it would be nice to see her face again.

Fuck it, I'm going.

The ride doesn't take very long. It's just as busy here as it was in Central Park. Union Square has its own park and it's littered with people doing various things from work to lounging. I make my way into the Starbucks and get on line, looking at the people behind the counter. I don't see her at first, so I pull out my phone to make sure I have the right place.

It does say this one.

When I get to the front, I order my coffee. This will be my second cup in as many hours, so I'll probably be bouncing off the wall in no time. When I get to the condiment table I notice there's no whole milk. I look for a moment until I hear a familiar voice behind me.

"Looking for this?"

I turn around and there she is. Wendy is standing there holding out a pitcher with the words "whole milk" written on the front. She stares at me a moment waiting for my response. Finally I kick back into gear.

"Yes!" I say a little too loudly. "Thank you."

She nods and walks away, holding a wash cloth in her hand as she starts wiping down some empty tables. I quickly pour some milk into my cup and walk up to the empty table she's wiping down.

"Thanks for the milk," I say, unable to think of anything else.

She smiles and nods. "No problem."

"I hope you work here and I didn't just take milk from a stranger."

She looks at me, that same crinkled look she has when she's trying to figure someone out.

"I do work here," she says.

"I figured."

She continues wiping the table. "What gave it away?"

"The butterfly pendon on your necklace," I say jokingly. "Only baristas wear that."

Wendy smirks and puts her hand to her chest.

Shit, I didn't realize the necklace was under her shirt. She always wears it and I didn't even think to look.

She pulls the necklace out from under her shirt and looks at it, then at me.

"How did you know it was a butterfly?"

Yes Ben, how did you know? Well you see in another life you're a lesbian and I'm your girlfriend but I was magically changed back into my original male form. You know, as you do.

I shrug. "It was a joke, I didn't know you were actually wearing one."

She gives me a long look, so I try to break it by holding my hand out.

"I'm Ben."

She shakes my hand. "Wendy."

"Nice to meet you."

"You too," she says as she turns and walks to the next empty table, wiping it down.

Well that went smoothly.

I sit and drink my coffee as I look at her, then look away when she glances in my direction. I've only been a man for a few hours and already I'm doing the creepy things I hated from men when I was a girl. But I can't be blamed. The one person I love in this world has no idea who I am and I have no idea how to return to her.

I should ask her out to lunch. I'm sure she has a lunch break.

The idea sounds perfect in my head until one thought comes to me. She's eighteen and right now I'm a thirty year old man. This is the same thing Charles did to me.

Except I'm not married.

But even so, I don't want to feel like a creepy older man to Wendy. Granted, Charles is about nine years older than me but still, I'll feel creepy. I guess I should let her go. Not to mention, who knows if she is even interested in me like this. Her Facebook profile says she's straight but that might not mean anything. She might not even be interested in men. There's no way she's a lesbian in one life and straight in another just because of Ashley.

I focus after a long moment of day dreaming and realize I'm staring right at her. She catches my eye and turns around, continuing her work. I decide to take me and my coffee out to the park in Union Square. As I pass by her she glances over at me.

"Have a nice day," she says with a smile.

Completely taken off guard, I smile back at her and fumble my words for a moment before I finally get out, "Yeah, you too."

I cross the street into the park and try to find an empty bench. I find one a good ways in. It's fairly secluded but not very quiet. This park isn't big enough to escape the sounds of the cars. I sit and stare at the trees as I collect my thoughts. The Fountain Man did say this was just a glimpse back at my old life. I'm pretty sure he was clear I wasn't going to stay like this. I wasn't sure if being Ben permanently was all that bad until I just saw Wendy. To see her look at me without recognition was hard to take. Of course it's not her fault but it does feel like everything we've gone through recently was for nothing if I stay like this.

I wonder if I would feel the same way if my mom looked at me that way when I was Ashley?

In a way, I was lucky. In the world where Ashley existed, my mom was living in Baltimore. I never had to run into her. If she looked at me with the same unfamiliar look Wendy just gave me, I wonder how I would feel? My dad also looked at me like that but I'm not as close with him. In fact, I rather prefer the "Greg" that exists in Ashley's life than the one that exists in Ben's.

It's also weird referring to myself in the third person, but what else can I do?

It's funny how even the most adult situations can relate back to things in your childhood. When I was a freshman in high school, I had a crush on a girl named Rose. She was very pretty. Maybe I'm romanticizing it because I was a pubescent teen, but she had one of the most striking smiles I've ever seen. I wanted to ask her out but of course I was too nervous. When I told my friends about it, all they did was tease me. Fourteen year old boys are not the best at giving relationship advice. I decided to ask her out by writing a note and sticking it in her locker. I didn't get a response for an entire week (which in the life of a fourteen year old is a seriously long time!) The following week I received a note in my locker from her. It was written in purple ink and it said she liked me too. However, we should only communicate through notes. That should've raised a red flag right there but given my lack of life experience at the time, I went with it. We exchanged notes for about three weeks. I was head over heels for this girl and I desperately wanted to speak with her face to face. Finally, I decided to do it. During the break between classes when I would usually see her in the hall, I went up to her and asked if we could speak. I told her I felt our relationship was ready to go to the next level, that level being face-to-face communication. She gave me the most confused look. She had no idea what I was talking about. I told her about some of things she'd said to me in her notes and she adamantly refused ever writing them. I explained how I would leave a note in her locker, number six-twelve and she would write one back and leave it in mine. That's when she told me six-twelve wasn't her locker. It turns out I had hers confused with someone else's. One of her friends was playing a joke on me. I felt so stupid, like that dream where you go to school naked. I had put some very personal things in those notes and now they were out in the open. The thing I'll never forget is that look of confusion on Rose's face when I thought she was the girl of my dreams. A look as if she didn't know me at all.