Know Thyself Ch. 09

Thank you everyone for following through on the journey of this story. I'm sorry for how long it took to get this final chapter out. I found it hard to end my adventures in this world and wanted to make sure it was just right. If you put up with the length of time between the last chapter to this one, I honestly can't thank you enough. And if you've read the entire story up to now, I cannot express how thankful and humbling that is. Everyone's feedback has been so great and you've made this process worth it. I hope you find your closure in this final chapter and thank you again for being so open and positive for me.

********

Now I must choose.

I used to think it wasn't much of a choice, but that was mainly because of Wendy. Now she exists in both of my lives. I also now know just how much Ben's mother really loved me.

Loves, present. Ben's not dead, he just doesn't exist at the moment.

But Ashley's family is great as well. I don't think I could go without knowing Jack. If I choose one life, I lose the other. Now that I'm with Wendy in both of them, it makes things a little different. I look at myself in the mirror and force a smile back.

Is this me?

I've discovered I'm a woman, in this life and the other. Though in the other I have the body of a man, I know deep down I'm really a woman. I also know I can live as a woman in Ben's world and I will be happy. But I can also live in this world as Ashley and be just as happy, maybe even more. How do you choose something like this?

Sex is much better in this life as Ashley, but sex is just sex. I don't think I can change my entire life just because of how good the sex is. I used to think women had it so good. Every man they encounter is just throwing themselves at them and they could have sex whenever they wanted. I envied women for that, or at least I thought I did. I realize now what I was really envying was the admiration I thought all women received from men. The idea that everyone wanted them. I wanted to feel like that. I wanted to feel accepted. Now I know that was just a fantasy. It's difficult to live as a woman. Everyday things I took for granted as Ben are now calculated encounters. Riding the subway, conversing with strangers, even walking down the sidewalk (as I learned the hard way). Do I want to live as Ashley?

The thing is, as I look at myself in the mirror I see myself. As weird as that sounds, it's a new feeling. I see Ashley's face staring back at me and I feel at ease. I feel like I finally know myself. Even this body feels more real to me than one of a man. At first it was weird, the extra weight of breasts on my chest felt foreign. Though I don't have the biggest breasts in the world, it was a new feeling. The idea of not having a cock between my legs felt weird in my head but soon I forgot about it and it became second nature. There's so much you take for granted about your body, whether you like it or not. You believe everyone feels and experiences the world in the same way. It's not true at all. In many ways it's like an entirely new world. I see colors differently, I feel pleasure differently, things feel heavier due to my weaker frame, my sex drive is different. I've even noticed I can concentrate in class better. I wonder if I have ADD as Ben but was never diagnosed? How do you compare one life to the other?

I stand over my bedside table looking down at the silver half-dollar coin. I hold it up so I can inspect it. It's shiny, as if it's brand new. Weird if you think about how old these coins are. I wonder if this is the same one I used for my wish that started all this. It can't be. I'm sure it's just another coin.

I wonder what happened in Ashley's life yesterday while I was gone?

I pick up my phone and look at the text messages. There's a few from Wendy, mainly saying goodbye. The night before I turned back into Ben, I spent the night with Wendy. We must've said goodbye and she must've gone back to Boston. At least nothing is ruined there. I also have a couple texts from Alana. The first one is her asking why I wasn't in class. I guess I didn't go yesterday. That's when I realize I didn't answer any of her texts. I look back at Wendy's and realize the same thing. I never answered.

Who's Ashley when I'm not here?

I put the phone down and strip out of my clothes so I can take a shower. It sounds quiet outside my door, so I walk down the hallway and open the bathroom door. I stop short when I see a strange woman standing in there brushing her teeth. She's spitting out the toothpaste as I open the door. The look of shock on her face almost makes me laugh.

"Hello," she awkwardly says.

I don't make a motion that I'm leaving. I just stand there, naked. "Who are you?" I ask.

"I'm a friend of Jack's. Fran," she says with a friendly wave.

Instinctively I wave back. I don't know why I'm just standing there. She is attractive and I can't stop myself from looking at her. She wipes her mouth and walks around me to get out of the bathroom.

"Sorry," she says as she sneaks by. "It's all yours."

Jack opens his bedroom door just as his friend gets by me.

"Ash!" He calls out. "For God sakes, put some clothes on!"

Well this morning is off to a bang.

********

Class was pretty difficult. I just finished psychology and I can tell I'm falling behind. Thank God I was Ben yesterday, the day I have College Algebra and College Lit. Two courses I'm breezing through and can afford to miss. I feel like Tuesdays and Thursdays are my only real days of class. My phone buzzes in my pocket and when I pull it out I see I have a text from Alana. She asks me if I'm on campus because she's in the cafeteria having lunch. I do have quite a bit of time before my Poly Sci class, so I make my way to the cafe and find her table.

"Hey Ash," she says with a big smile as I take my seat. "Where were you yesterday?"

"Wasn't feeling well," is all I can come up with to say.

"I texted you but you never answered."

"Sorry. I think I ate something bad. I was puking all day, so I wasn't looking at my phone much." When you need to lie about why you missed something, food poisoning is always the go to excuse. It's also the way you know someone is lying about why they missed something.

"Ouch. You're okay now?"

I nod.

"Cool," she says. "So what's new with you? Anything good happen this weekend?"

There are many things I can say to brush off the comment. Something like "not really" or "same old same old" is what you usually say and then you move on. But there's something inside me that wants to lay everyone on her.

"I'm in love," I say, letting that hang in the air for a moment. She raises her eyebrows and nods, so I keep going. "It's the girl I've loved for a long time. The first girl I ever came out to. I thought she hated me, but she came down here just to see me and we confessed our love to each other and then slept together and had wild amazing sex and now I want to propose to her."

The last part I wasn't expecting. I think it's been in the back of my mind since last night when Wendy told me (while I was Ben) that she always wanted to be married. I feel like I've been thinking about this all day and not, all at the same time. This is the thing that's been nagging me all day and I can't believe I just said it. Alana is staring at me with her mouth hanging open. I guess I never fully told her the extend of me and Wendy's relationship, so this might seem like it's coming out of left field. And it is coming out of left field, but it's not random.

"Whoa," she says.

I nod. "Yeah. Whoa."

"How long have you been...like...thinking about proposing to her?"

"Um," I trail off for a moment. I don't really know the answer to that question. "Since two seconds ago when I said it. I think I just realized it now."

"Holy shit."

"Yeah."

"So you're like, really in love."

I look at her to see what her expression is. At the moment it's still just shock. I hope this doesn't turn into a fight. Alana did have a thing for me for a quick second and I hurt her. The last thing I want is to lose her again.

I nod. "Yeah."

"Oh my God!" She cries out and stands up to hug me over the table. We hug and sit back down and luckily there's a giant smile on her face. It actually looks like she might start crying.

"That's so amazing! Congratulations!"

"Well she hasn't said yes yet." My pessimism will not be suppressed.

"I know, but why wouldn't she? You're amazing. She's lucky, of course she'll say yes."

"Thanks."

"What happened this weekend?"

I have to think for a moment. It seems like so long ago. "Well I thought she hated me because I went to visit her in Boston and it didn't go well. She's always liked me but was hesitant because she was afraid I was just leading her on. Like I wasn't really into girls."

Alana nods because she knows that feeling all too well herself. It's that fear that initially separated us. It's amazing to me how I can talk about Ashley's life like I've lived it all along. Her past is my past now, but it's weird how it feels like second nature.

"She surprised me by coming down this weekend to see me," I continue on. "She told me to prove how I felt, so I walked her in front my parents and I came out to them holding her hand."

Alana puts her hands to her mouth and takes a deep breath in. "That's beautiful."

"It was, and it's not even like I planned it out or anything. I was just running on instinct."

"Well that's how you know it's love."

"Yeah, I guess so."

She takes a few bites of her salad and I sit there for a moment. This realization has hit me hard. I feel like I'm in a haze and my head is starting to hurt.

I'm going to ask Wendy to marry me.

What if she says no?

What if she says yes?

I look back to Alana and I think she can tell how miserable I am right now because a look of concern hits her.

"What's wrong?" She asks.

"How do I do this?"

"Do what?"

"Propose. Ask someone to marry me. That's like, intense."

"Yeah, no shit."

I shoot her a sharp look.

"Sorry," she says quickly. "I mean, yeah it's intense but it's a good intense. This is exciting!"

"Then why do I feel so miserable?"

She takes a drink of her Vitamin Water. "You're just nervous, that's all."

"Would it be weird if I..." I trail off. I'm not sure if I should ask this. I don't want to strain our relationship.

"If you what?" She asks me.

"If I asked you to help me plan the proposal?"

"Really?"

I nod. Shit, I hope she's not angry. She used to like me and we slept together, and now here I am asking her to help me ask someone to marry me.

"Of course!" She shrieks. "Are you kidding me? I'd love to!"

"Really?"

"Yeah! Oh my God, yes!"

We hug over the table again. Thank God for Alana.

"So tell me about her," she says. "What does she like to do? What's she into?"

I think for a moment and realize this is the thing that's been worrying me about this whole proposal idea.

I don't actually know that much about Wendy.

"She's into me," I say.

Alana nods, I can see the gears churning. I see a moment of excitement cross her face before she subdues it. Then a sly little smile stares back at me.

"I have an idea," she says. That's when I know I've come to the right person.

********

The first task Alana gave me was to get an engagement ring. She made a good point.

"If Wendy is the type of person who admired her parents' marriage, she probably wants you to do it the old fashioned way," she told me.

An engagement ring, getting down on one knee, the whole nine yards. Just because we're two girls doesn't mean it can't be traditional.

I'm sitting on my couch at home flipping through the channels. I can't tell if there's nothing good on or I'm just not paying attention.

Don't engagement rings cost thousands of dollars?

I have one hundred and seventeen dollars in my bank account. So how much can I afford?

An engagement ring that costs one hundred and seventeen dollars.

Alana said she's going to spend the night planning out what I should do. Next week is Thanksgiving, so Wendy is coming home for the holiday. That's definitely when I should do it, so I have a week to get this together.

I look down at the silver half dollar coin in my hand. As I flip it between my fingers I wonder if I should take a trip to the Bethesda Fountain now and make my final wish.

What if Wendy says no?

That's my hesitation. What if all this goes wrong and proposing freaks her out? I don't want to lose her. I'll make my wish after the proposal. If she says no, I don't know what I'll do.

I hear keys rattle in the door and Jack comes in.

"What are you doing home?" I ask him.

"Greg told me I can head out an hour early today. Not much going on. What's up with you?"

I shrug. He leaves and I hear his bedroom door close. Probably changing out of his suit. I finally decide to stop on Judge Judy. Seems mindless enough. I don't have to fully pay attention to it.

Alana told me I should get Wendy's parents involved. Maybe surprise her at Thanksgiving dinner or something. That seems romantic I guess but it also feels awkward for me because I don't know her parents at all. I'm sure Ashley knows them very well since she grew up around them, but I haven't had any interaction with them since I became me. For all I know Ashley doesn't get along with them.

Jack comes back in dressed in jeans and a plain black t shirt. He plops down on the other side of the couch and puts his feet up.

"Jude Jude. Nice," he says.

"Hey, sorry about this morning," I apologize, thinking about how weird I was.

"It's okay. It was pretty funny actually. Fran was a little freaked out. She was like 'does your sister always walk around naked?'"

"What did you say?"

"Only when other girls are around." He laughs at that, looking pretty satisfied with himself.

"Who is she?"

He shrugs. "A girl from work."

I shake my head. "It's bad news dating people you work with."

He turns his head and looks at me with a smile. "Who says we're dating?"

I force a smirk and shake my head.

"What's wrong with you?" He asks.

"Nothing."

"Excuse me!" Judge Judy yells on the TV. We both turn our attention to her as she starts berating some dumb looking pudgy fifty year old man.

"Oh shit," Jack says with a laugh. "He crossed The Jude!" He turns back to me. "Come on, what's wrong? You know I can read you like a book."

"You don't read books."

"Then I can read you like a beer can."

I laugh at that. Damn! He always finds a way to break me down! How does he do that? I turn to him.

"You have to promise to keep this to yourself, at least for now," I say.

"Promise."

"I'm going to propose to Wendy."

He looks shocked. "No way! Really?"

"Yeah. Why?" His amazement is making me nervous.

"You're gunna like, gay marry her," he says with a stupid grin.

"Oh shut up!" I punch him in the arm as I say it and am reminded of how much stronger he is than me. My weak little punch actually hurts my hand a little.

"This is serious!" I say.

"I know, I'm just joking. But wow, that's intense."

"I know. And I have no idea how I'm going to do it or how I'm going to afford a stupid engagement ring. Whoever invented the tradition of giving someone an engagement ring is an asshole!"

"No kidding."

We sit in silence for a moment and watch as Judge Judy continues to yell at people.

"You want to go shopping for a ring?" He asks me.

I shake my head. "I need to figure out how I'm going to pay for it first."

"Well, that's why I'm going to go with you."

I turn to him, not sure if I'm misunderstanding him. He smiles back at me.

"Come on," he says. "Like you're going to be able to afford it any other way."

"Jack, do you know how much these things cost?"

He nods.

"No, you can't," I say.

He stands up and walks to the door. He takes my coat off the rack and tosses to me.

"I'm making good money at this new job and I've already saved a lot. You're older brother is going to buy you an engagement ring. Don't make that any weirder than it already is!"

********

We head down to the Time Warner Building at Columbus Circle. Originally I suggested we go to the Diamond District but Jack said it wasn't a good idea.

"All those stores seem sketchy. They're always trying to lure you in off the street like you're going to buy a diamond ring as an impulse buy," he explained.

He's right, it does seem sketchy. At least the stores in the Time Warner Building are actual stores that you know will be there tomorrow.

We walk through the front doors of the Time Warner Building and I'm suddenly reminded of how suburban it seems. It's weird thinking of a giant shopping mall existing in the middle of Manhattan. In the middle of the lobby is some kind of hybrid car that's being given away in a sweepstakes. There's always a car sitting here and I wonder if anyone actually ever wins it. You're supposed to fill out your information on a card and drop it in a box and supposedly they draw a card randomly and give the car to that person. You never hear of anyone winning these though. You'd think the local news would say something about it or you'd see it on social media. Someone posting a picture of them and the car with the caption "I won!" You never see that, so I never fill out the stupid card anymore.

"You have any idea what you want?" Jack asks me as make our way into the building.

"I have no idea. I haven't done any research or anything."

"Does Wendy have a preference?"

I shrug. "I don't think so. We can probably get anything and she'd think it was nice."

We walk past a couple jewelry stores, lingering once or twice to look at the rings in the display cases. Nothing catches our attention. We finally go into one of the stores and scan the display cases. A middle-aged woman in a tan suite comes up to us, a big smile across her face.

"Good evening. How are you two today?"

"Fine," I say.

"Looking for anything in particular?" She asks.

"An engagement ring," I say.

"Oh, how exciting! Congratulations." She looks at the both of us as she says it. I'm about to say something but Jack buts in, not realizing what just happened.

"How much is that one?" He asks, pointing to a decent sized ring in the back of the case.

The lady unlocks the case and pulls it out, handing it to Jack. The lady goes into an explanation as to what kind of diamond it is but I'm not really listening.

"And how much?" Jack asks again.

"Seven-hundred ninety-nine dollars," the lady says with a straight face.

I almost choke. I'm about to say it's out of our price range when Jack hands it to me.

"What do you think?"

"It's eight hundred bucks!"

"Yeah I know," he says. "But what do you think about it?"

"It's nice," I say.

"It is," the lady chimes in.

"Jack, dad'll kill you if he found out you spent that much on a ring."

"So what, it's not his money."

The lady is looking at us with a strange expression on her face.

"She's my sister," Jack says to her.

"Oh," is all the lady says. "Well then..."

I can tell she's a little flustered and she starts stumbling on her words.

"Would you...um...like to see something else?"

Oh God! This lady thinks Jack and I are getting married.

I think Jack picks on it as well.

"My sister is going to propose to someone."

"Oh," the lady says with a dumb look. She turns to me. "You don't think he'll do it on his own?" She has a chuckle as she says it.