Know Thyself Ch. 09

"She," I say.

"Oh, sorry. She."

I don't think that made it any better. God, it's twenty-sixteen and we're in New York City. You think she'd be used to a girl coming in to buy an engagement ring for another girl. Every time you think we've advanced as a society, there's something to remind you how far we still have to go.

"I think that one is fine," I say to Jack.

"Okay cool. We'll take it," he says to the lady.

Jack gives the lady his card and she goes off to ring it up.

"I guess we're not really picky," he says to me with a laugh. "We took the first one we saw."

"Are you sure about this? That's an eight hundred dollar ring."

"From what I've heard about engagement rings, that's pretty cheap."

"Thank you, Jack," I say and give him a hug. He hugs me back.

That's when I remember what I found out yesterday when I was Ben about Jack's arrest and rehab.

"You don't have to do this you know?" I remind him.

He looks at me with a smirk. "S'okay."

"No really," I say with some intensity. He looks at me and I look him in the eye. "You don't have to do this because I was there for you in the past."

He looks at me for a moment, not saying anything. Almost as if he's trying to figure out what to say next. He looks down for a moment and then back up again.

"Do you love Wendy?"

The question takes me off guard. "Uh...yeah. I do."

"I mean like really love her. Like, you want to be there when she's old and disgusting and shitting into a bucket?"

That's kind of a weird way to put it, I think to myself, but I nod. "Yeah."

He puts his hand on my shoulder. "You're my sister Ash. A real sister." He puts some emphasis behind "real" as if the word means something else. "You brought me back from the brink. I owe you my life. If you love her this much, I want something from me to be a part of it. I'd buy you a million of these rings if I could."

I don't know what to say. I'm literally speechless. Deep down, I'm ashamed. I don't deserve this. Some other Ashley is the one who was there for him. It was some other Ashley he's speaking about, yet here I am reaping all the rewards.

I don't deserve this.

The woman comes back with the ring in a bag and a credit card receipt for Jack to sign. He writes his name on it and we say thank you to the lady. As we start to walk away, I open my mouth and start to speak without thinking about what I'm going to say.

"Can we sit down for a second?"

"Sure," he says.

There's a bench on the wall we're walking by, so we stop and take a seat. Luckily we're the only ones sitting there. He looks at me.

"What's up?" He asks.

"There's something I need to tell you but it's going to sound crazy."

He snorts a laugh. "Okay, try me."

Now I finally think about this for a moment. How do I say this?

"Have you noticed anything different about me lately?" I ask him.

He takes this in, a slight nod of agreement. "Maybe," is all he says.

"Do you trust me?" I ask him.

Now I see the concern hit him. I'm starting to worry him.

"What's wrong?" He asks.

"Nothing's wrong. Really, nothing's wrong. It's just that, something happened to me recently and I haven't been able to tell anyone and after everything that's happened, I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't."

He shifts uncomfortably. I can tell he's trying to find something insightful to say. My Jack, always trying to be the older brother.

"You can tell me anything," he says. "There's nothing you can't tell me."

I take a breath. Do I really want to do this? I just need to tell someone.

"Do you believe in supernatural things?" I ask him.

He thinks for a moment. "You mean like ghosts?"

"No, not like ghosts. I mean like spirits."

He nods. "Yeah, I believe in that."

"Do you think, like, one spirit could inhabit the body of someone else?"

He smiles. "You mean like that Patrick Swayze movie?"

"No! Not like that." I think about it for a second. "Well, yeah, kind of like that."

He shrugs. "Maybe."

"No," I say, trying to backtrack. "Forget about that. Not like the Patrick Swayze movie. Just like, the human spirit. In one person, and then in another person."

He looks at me but I can't tell how. It's a searching look. I try to cut in before I lose him.

"I don't know how to explain this but I haven't always been me. Two months ago I was a man. My name was Ben. I was leading a miserable life and I was lost. On the night of my thirtieth birthday I made a wish that I would wake up as a different person and I did. I woke up as your sister. For the last two months, I've been this man Ben living in the body of your sister Ashley. But at the same time, I feel like I've always been Ashley. The more I learned about her, the more I realized she was me and I was her. We're the same person. I feel more like her than I ever did as Ben. I always felt like I was lost, like I was searching for some purpose. Ever since I became Ashley, I feel like I've found my real purpose in life. I finally feel like I've found some meaning. Like I finally matter."

I stop and let that sink in for him. He doesn't give me anything in terms of what he's thinking. He just kind of looks at me. After what feels like a lifetime, he nods his head and looks down.

"I know what you mean," he says.

"You do?!" I don't mean to sound so shocked but it's hard to hide.

"Yeah, I do. I used to feel the same way. I never told you how far gone I really was when I was using. I tried to hide it from you. I know you knew, but you didn't know all of it. Now I look at myself and it's like I'm a completely different person."

"No Jack, what I'm saying is I am a completely different person."

"So am I. I know exactly what you mean."

"No, you don't," I say. I don't know how to make him understand.

"You feel like you've gotten a second chance at life?"

I nod.

"So do I. You gave that to me. You remember what you said to me the night before my sentencing hearing?"

I don't move, I don't say anything. I don't want to say I have no idea.

"I was going to run away and you could tell. You told me 'If you don't like who you are, you're probably a good person trapped inside someone bad. So just be the good person. That's the real you.' I never forgot that. So yeah, what you're saying makes total sense. Whoever you say you were before, Ben was it? He was probably someone bad and you're real self was waiting to come out. That's what happened with me. Now I'm glad that I get to remind you of the same thing. This is the real you. The good you."

The tears started coming down long before he finished but I wait until he's done to wipe them away. I lean in and hug him and he holds me tight. I told him the truth. He can make sense of it in his own way. In a strange way, I feel like he gets it. Maybe not in the literal sense, but at least on some level.

"We're both different people now," he says.

I smile. "Yeah, we are."

As we walk back to the subway, we don't say anything. Nothing more needs to be said. It's not awkward. In fact, I've never felt more comfortable in my life. It's like we're both letting what was said sink in. I love this man. Jack is what every man should be. I could never figure out how to be a man. Maybe that's because deep down I was always a woman. But this man standing next to me, he's figured it out. I'm proud to call him my brother.

********

The next week was a blur of activity and stress. Midterm exams came and went and as if those weren't enough, try adding in planning an engagement. Thank God I took all these classes twelve years ago.

Well, most of these classes. The psychology midterm kicked my ass!

It's the morning of the engagement. Or at least, the morning of the proposal. I can't forget that what I'm doing today is asking her to marry me. She hasn't said yes yet. For as much as Alana has been a buzz, it's not that elaborate of a plan. I'm not complaining mind you, I'm glad for it. The last thing I want is a surprise string quartet or something like that. Plus that's not Alana's style. She's been more my emotional support.

Wendy and I have been texting back and forth the last couple of days. I'm going to spend Thanksgiving dinner with her family. I got my parents to agree to it when I told them the purpose of it. Surprisingly, everyone caters to you when you tell them you're going to propose to someone. The plan is to have dinner at her parents house, then we're going to go to my parents house. However, her parents are going to leave the minute we do and book it to my house. I'm going to try to stall Wendy so that her parents have enough time to get to my place. When we walk into my apartment, everyone's going to jump out and surprise her and when she turns around, I'm going to be on one knee holding out the ring Jack and I bought.

Pretty lame, right?

I have to downplay it in order to keep myself from going insane. What if she says no to me in front of my whole family? What if I've read this whole situation wrong? Last night I was watching YouTube videos of proposals where the girl said no. I couldn't stop watching, just video after video of the worst case scenario. Mind you, most of the videos were of people proposing at sporting events, something so lame it makes you wonder what the two people were doing together to begin with. Why do people do that?

I'm getting dressed and then I'm going to head out. I strip out of my clothes and go to the closet door but stop before I open it. I stare into the full-length mirror at my naked body. It's crazy to think all of this feels so normal now. Look at me. I have such a small frame, my arms and legs are almost poles. It's crazy to think this body feels so real to me. I put my hands on my breasts and lightly feel the curve of them. My skin is so soft. Maybe I forgot about all this because I spent the last day as Ben. I don't have any hair other than the top of my head. My vagina is bare as well and when I put my hand on it I can feel the warmth coming off of it. I spin around and turn my head to look at my butt. Even that has a perfect curve. I wonder why I was put in such a beautiful body? I wonder how my experiences would've changed if I had been given a different one? It's easy to forget how beautiful you are when you've spent your whole life trained not to look in the mirror. Growing up as Ben, I always turned away when I saw my reflection. It wasn't a voluntary thing. I never realized I was doing it until one day when I noticed a mark on my neck right below my collar. It was a dark spot, almost like a mole but not raised. It blew me away that I had never noticed it before. I was around twenty-five at the time, so I had spent twenty-five years not knowing what my body looked like. After that I still looked away from my own reflection, the habit couldn't be broken. I would hate myself afterwards for doing it. I couldn't stop though, it was a part of who I was.

As I stand in the front of the mirror now, I take a long and good look at myself. I have high cheekbones and kind of a round face. My lips look so soft. It's funny, they don't feel any different than my lips when I was Ben, but they look so much different now. I turn to the side and bend over, sticking my butt out to form an L shape with my body. This is the image that would've always turned me on when I was Ben. This submissive posture, waiting to be taken by some unknown man who'll come up behind me.

I'm who I would desire. I'm Ben's fantasy.

How is that possible? Even as Ben I felt like a woman. I learned that last week. Is this why I'm here? If you can't have your fantasy, you'll become it? I can feel that familiar warm feeling start to fill me and my pussy starts to become moist.

I'm being turned on by myself.

Now narcissistic can one person be? Here I am just staring in the mirror, patting myself on the back for how beautiful I am. I should feel ashamed.

What's the harm? I deserve to feel pretty for once in my life.

I hold my pussy and stare at my own eyes staring back at me. I am Ben's fantasy. Except this isn't a fantasy, this is real.

"Fantasies are made to be real," a familiar voice says behind me.

I spin around, startled, my heart beating out of my chest. Standing in my room is the Fountain Man. His head is tilted to the side and he seems to be looking me up and down. He looks like Ben. He looks exactly like I used to look, but I know he can't be. I'm Ben.

"You're Ashley," he corrects me.

I'm both Ben and Ashley.

I take a good look at him, looking at what I spent my whole life trying not to see. I slowly walk up to him and he says nothing, just stares back at me with a curious smile. I lift the bottom of his shirt and he lifts his arms over his head in compliance. After I take his shirt off, I take a step back and look at him.

Not bad. I always pictured myself a little chubbier. Maybe he altered my original appearance in order to make me feel better.

"I am you, as you were," he says to me.

Maybe it's because my frame is so much smaller but I notice some definition to his muscles that I never realized before. I feel the space between my legs release a few drops of moisture. I want to see what the rest of me looked like. In response, he undoes his belt and slips his pants and boxers to the ground. I always forget he can hear my thoughts. After he kicks them off, I look at his half hard cock. It's weird seeing it from this angle. It's almost like looking in a live mirror. It's bigger from what I remembered. I never thought I was particularly small but I also never thought my cock was anything a girl would brag to her friends about. As I stare at my old cock, I feel my feminine instincts kick in and a slight bit of moisture fills the hole between my legs.

"Do you like what you see?" He asks me.

Without taking my eyes off his cock, I nod my head but decided to correct myself. "I mean no."

"Why not?" He continues.

"I never liked myself," I say.

"Do you find me attractive now?"

I was worthless, a man no one ever desired.

"Yes," I whisper.

My legs begin a revolt against me and I take a step closer.

"I've told you before," the Fountain Man begins. "You are Ben and you are Ashley. Say it."

I take another step closer so that now our naked bodies are almost touching. I reach down and wrap my hand around his cock. "I am Ben and I am Ashley," I say.

"You will never love one and not the other," he says.

I keep my eyes locked on his as I start to move my hand up and down his shaft. I can feel it getting bigger in my grasp. I don't know why I always thought this cock was so undesirable to women.

"Ben Telany, Ashley Montgomery, you must learn to love yourself or else you will never know how to love another."

My heart is racing and I realize I'm audibly panting. His cock is at full length and my hand feels so small against it. I don't dare break my eyes from his.

"You must love yourself," he says.

"I can't."

"Accept who you are."

"I'm no one," I say in a shaky voice.

My legs give out and I fall to my knees, his cock right in front of my face. I look up at him and see his gaze staring down at me.

"You are the most beautiful soul in all of creation. You have transcended existence. You are so full of life and radiate such beauty that you have filled two lives. You are a gift."

I can feel his words fill a void deep inside me. Almost like a bandage on my soul. I have never heard someone speak about me like this before. It shocks me so much, I believe I'm starting to feel happy.

I open my mouth and slide his cock inside of me. My eyes stay on his as his cock fills my mouth with warmth. His cock feels perfect. Maybe I really was wrong about myself this whole time? I feel his hand go to the back of my head and I stroke his cock with my mouth faster, each time taking it a little further in. I take it out of my mouth and lift it up so I can taste his balls. With my tongue, I trace a line down his shaft until I feel the soft texture of his sack. I turn my body so my face is staring straight up, right below him and I begin to massage his balls with my tongue. My saliva feels thick and it coats his underside as I continue to stroke his cock.

I feel him lift me up until I'm standing right in front of him. He has a warm smile on his face and be backs me over to the bed. He gives me a light push and I fall backwards onto the bed. I inch back and open my legs so he can join on top of me. He lays on me, his face inches from mine, but I notice he's now different. He looks like Matt.

"You were always the most beautiful person I knew," he says in Matt's voice, though I know it can't be him.

That's when I feel him enter me. I take a deep breath in as I feel his cock fill me. He leans down and kisses me, his breath warm against my tongue. He starts slow, though he doesn't need to. My pussy is dripping wet. He pushes himself up so his face is raised above me and we look each other in the eye as he quickens the thrusts of his cock against my body. I hold my hands back, letting him do what he wants with me. I never knew what it felt like to have Matt inside of me. He smiles down.

"You were always my love," he says.

I don't know what to say. I'm shocked speechless. He can tell and he starts to thrust into me harder. I can feel my body bounce back against his strong thrusts. Our bodies clapping together like two hands applauding. I let out a moan as the pleasure has become too much to keep bottled up. He leans down again and buries his face into my neck as I feel his tongue start to run up and down. With his whole weight on me, the sensation of his body intensifies.

He lifts his head up again but this time his face looks like Alana.

"You are everyone," she says to me.

I can still feel a cock thrusting in and out of my pussy but it's Alana's body on top of me. Her breasts bouncing back and forth with every thrust. I want to call out her name but I can't seem to find the words.

"I saw you from day one," she whispers as her body slams back and forth into me.

I'm going to cum, I think to myself.

She smiles when I think it. She leans down and kisses me, long and hard. She has to hold the top of my head because I'm bouncing off of her so fast now. When she lifts her head back up, she's now Wendy.

"I love you," she says to me.

Finally my words come back to me.

"I love you too," I say.

I don't understand how it's possible but her cock is igniting every feeling in my body. I spread my legs wider and hold my pussy up as the pleasure moves my body. Wendy puts her hands on my shoulders and rests all of her weight on me, pinning me down.

"I'm gunna cum," I call out, almost a whisper and a yell at the same time.

"Me too," she says.

I feel pools of warm liquid flying out of me with each thrust now. The sheets feel drenched and our bodies are soaked with the juices of my pleasure.

Here it comes, I think.

"Aaahhhh," I call out and squeeze my legs tight as I cum.

At the same time that I do, she cums as well. I can feel the warm liquid of her orgasm fill me up. Her hands are clamped around my shoulders.

She thrusts into me a couple more times as our joint orgasm begins to subside. My body starts to twitch as it normally does. I lean my head back as the feeling runs it way through my body. While her cock is still inside me, I feel her tongue run along my breasts and then up my neck. I lean my head back down so I can look at her. However, this time she looks like Ben again.

His voice is deep and a whisper. "Do you love yourself?"

I nod and whisper back. "Yes. Yes."