Know Thyself Ch. 09

He smiles and runs his hand through my hair.

"Good. I love you too," he says.

I close my eyes as another spasm hits me. I can feel him get off me and when I open my eyes, he's gone. I'm alone in the room. I lay on the bed another moment, still needing to regain control of myself. I've never cum so hard before.

I stand up and look down at my body. I'm soaked! The bed doesn't look much better either. I walk back to the full-length mirror and look at myself. I can see the glisten of my juices all over my midsection and on my thighs. I look at myself in the mirror, locking eyes with the face staring back at me.

"I love you," I say, and of course, as I say it, so does she.

********

I'm not sure what all that was. I'm not even sure if that was really the Fountain Man or if I was just having an hallucination. What I do know is I feel better than I've ever felt in my life. Yes, this could be because I just orgasmed harder than I ever have before, a kind of out-of-body experience brought on by every sexual nerve in my body, but it's actually something different than that. I feel...I don't know what the word is.

Confident.

Yeah, confident. Having stood in front of Ben like I did, viewing him through these eyes, I've never seen myself in that way before. It's true, I have seen the Fountain Man many times over the last couple of months, but he's always been just that: the Fountain Man. I never really thought of him like Ben. I think I finally understand what he means when he says I'm both Ben and Ashley. Despite what I think of myself now as her, those thoughts have always been a reaction against what I thought of myself as Ben. There's a kind of peace I feel now that I've accepted him. It's not even like I want to be Ben anymore, but having found the value in myself, in the body and the life I lived in for thirty years has made me cherish this new life that I have.

We really are connected.

I'm on my way to Wendy's for Thanksgiving dinner. Really I should be calling it Thanksgiving lunch since afterwards we're coming back to my place. And of course, despite the importance of today's plans, I'm going to be late. The experience earlier, though blissful, was messy. There's no way I could go the rest of the day with my body lathered in my own juices. I had to take a shower, do my makeup all over again, and get dressed.

I can still feel a buzz in my body.

My legs are weak, like I was just at the gym. It's not like I did that much, I just laid back and let it all happen. Now I need to focus on the task at hand. Well really there's no task until we get back to my place. I just have to eat Thanksgiving dinner with Wendy's family. Though her parents know the plan since they have to get back to my parents house. This is going to be awkward. I don't actually know her parents all that well, even though they think I do.

When I get to her building, I ring the buzzer for her apartment and head up the stairs. Her mom is the first to answer the door.

"Well hello Ashley," she says, a little overdoing it.

Oh great, they're going to toy with me.

"Hello Olivia," I say. When I told them the plan last week, she was very adamant I call her by her first name. Same with her dad.

I walk into the apartment and see the table is already set. I was hoping to get here early enough to help with that. Her dad is sitting at the table. He jumps up when he sees me, a big smile on his face. He walks over and gives me a hug.

"Happy Thanksgiving," he says.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Paul," I respond.

"Finally!" I hear Wendy's voice behind me.

I turn around and see her standing in the kitchen doorway.

"It took you long enough," she says as she walks up and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

"Sorry," I say. "Train trouble."

"It's okay," her mom says at the table. "She didn't miss anything."

When I first brought up the proposal to them, I was afraid they might be unaccepting of our relationship. It's one thing for your daughter to be dating another girl, it's another for her to marry one. They took me off guard when they immediately told me how happy they were. I guess it's no surprise to them. They've known their daughter is a lesbian for a long time. Maybe they were always secretly hoping she'd end up with me. After I left their place, I realized it was stupid of me to think they would've disapproved of our relationship. Her mom is black and her dad is white. If anyone can understand societal backlash to your relationship, it would be them. Wendy and I are eighteen, which means her parents are probably in their late forties (at least they look so). Which means they grew up in the seventies, probably found each other in the eighties. Not the most accepting of times for a white man and black woman to be together. Not to mention they seem like the best parents that ever existed. Maybe it's because I'm a thirty year-old man on the inside, but I like hanging out with them. It was fun when I came over here last week.

It makes me wonder why the Wendy in Ben's world was still in the closet. Why wouldn't she have thought she could come out to her parents? Maybe she did and she was just afraid of coming out to everyone else? I don't know, I had the feeling no one knew about her sexuality. Could it really have been Ashley that gave her the confidence to be out?

I take my seat next to Wendy. She makes a move for the mashed potatoes when her dad clears his throat.

"Oh dad, really?" She complains.

"You know we need to say a prayer," he says sternly.

I didn't know they were religious.

"Dad, not with Ashley here."

He gives her a look until she puts her hands together and accepts the oncoming prayer. I glance over at her mom and she has her face behind her interlocked fingers, hiding a smile. I put my hands together and wait.

Her dad is the one that begins. "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub. Yay God."

Olivia laughs on the other side of the table. I can't help but join in. Wendy shakes her head.

"That is so lame. It was never funny."

"You loved it when you were ten," her dad says. He turns to me. "You should've seen her the first time I said that at Thanksgiving. She couldn't stop laughing the whole dinner. It's become a bit of a tradition."

I laugh. Wendy glances at me and rolls her eyes. We all dig in.

"So you two are going back to your place after this?" Olivia asks us.

"Yup, that's the plan," Wendy says.

Olivia gives me a half smile. I nervously nod back, trying to force a little smile.

"Ashley," Peter says. "Promise me you'll say our prayer at your family's dinner."

"No," Wendy cuts in.

"I promise," I say.

Wendy turns on me now. "Don't even think about it."

I turn to her dad. "Remind me how it goes again?"

Peter gets a mischievously satisfied look on his face.

"Rub a dub dub," he says.

"Rub a dub dub," I repeat.

"Seriously, it's so lame," Wendy chimes in.

"Thanks for the grub," Peter says.

"Thanks for the grub," I repeat.

"Yay God."

"Yay God. Got it."

Wendy just shakes her head. We all start eating, the chorus of silverware on plates beginning. Wendy wraps her leg around mine under the table. I glance over at her and though she doesn't turn her head, she smiles. I notice her mom catch my glance, to which she smiles and looks back down at her food.

"This is delicious," I say to her.

"I know," she says with a wink.

"No one can touch her when it comes to cooking," Peter says. "I cook too, but when it comes time for the holidays, I let the professional take over."

Olivia gives him a satisfied look across the table. Then a startled look hits her.

"Oh! I almost forgot, we didn't toast," she says.

My heart skips a beat. She's not going to ruin the surprise I hope.

"Every holiday dinner needs a toast," she says. She holds up her glass. "What should we toast?"

The rest of us hold our wine glasses up as well.

"Successful first semester of college?" Her dad suggests.

"It's not done yet," Wendy says.

"Ashley, any ideas?" Her mom says to me.

I feel my throat go dry. "Uh...I don't know," I say.

"I have one," Wendy says.

We all look at her. The only one at the table not in on the secret.

"Ashley came out to her parents a couple weeks ago," she begins and looks at me, her leg wrapping tighter around my leg. "She was brave. I think sometimes it can be easy to forget how difficult that is."

Thank you, I try to say with my eyes.

"Here here," her dad says.

"Here here," her mom repeats.

Wendy looks to the rest of the table. "To bravery."

"To bravery," her mom, dad, and me repeat as we all clink glasses.

********

The rest of the dinner went well and now we're on our way to my place. Her parents played their part well at the end. They said their goodbyes and told us to say hello to my parents, as if they weren't going to see them in a few minutes. We're on the subway now, her parents are taking a cab. I texted Alana right before we got underground. She's my point of contact at my place, getting everyone organized. The guest list isn't that big. My parents, my brother, Wendy's parents, and Alana. Alana brought her roommates Tamara, Vicky, and Barbara, something I didn't know was happening until today. Whatever, they're cool. And with a surprise visit, Wendy's uncle Darren will be there. Wendy and him get along very well (and apparently I love him too, from the way Olivia describes him). It'll be a big surprise for Wendy since she doesn't get to see him all that often.

So here it is, it's go time. This is really going to happen. I have the ring in my pocket, I keep playing with it on the outside of my jeans.

"Hello! Earth to Ashley!" Wendy says.

I come back to reality and jerk my head to look at her.

"What?"

"Were you ignoring me that whole time?" She asks, sounding a little offended.

"Uh...maybe," I say feebly. What can I say, I was.

"What's wrong with you? You seem like something is wrong."

"No, everything's good."

"Is everything okay between you and your parents?"

I give her a confused look. "Yeah, why?"

"Well, the last time I was home you came out to them and you haven't said much about them since. Now we're heading to your place and you seem nervous. Are they like, not okay with the two of us being together?"

Oh God, you couldn't be farther from the truth!

"No, they're totally cool with it," I say.

"You sure?"

I grab her hand. "Absolutely. I'm sorry, it's just I've never brought someone home for Thanksgiving dinner before."

"I've been at your house for Thanksgiving before!" She exclaims with a laugh.

"Yeah but not as my girlfriend."

"Touché."

"Not everyone's parents are as cool as yours," I tease.

The train gets to our stop and I stand up to exit before she can answer. Once the doors open, I'm off the train heading for the stairs, Wendy following behind me.

"Oh please!" She says. "My dad is so lame! I can't believe you found that stupid 'prayer' funny."

I turn back with a smile as we climb the stairs. "It was funny. Are you kidding? I want to say it at my parents dinner."

"You better not!"

Teasing her releases some of the tension in my stomach. I wonder what else I can make fun of her for. Probably not the best idea to mock someone right before you're about to propose. We get above ground and start walking to my block.

Why am I so nervous? She's going to say yes, right?

Maybe I should cherish this moment right now. This is the last time we'll just be a regular dating couple. Normal without any cares. Once I ask her the question, our whole relationship will be different. Either she'll say yes and we'll now be marriage-in-waiting, or she'll say no and we won't be together anymore. This could be the last moments of our relationship. No relationship can survive a rejection like that. We can try to stay together, pretend like everything's okay, but I know it won't.

If she says "no", I'm returning to Ben's life. At least there I'll still have a shot with her.

Who knows, maybe she doesn't want marriage. Maybe that's what's different in this world. The Wendy in Ben's world is the one who said she wanted it. Maybe that's the result of how she lived in that life. She does seem like a different person in this world. She's so happy and optimistic. The Wendy in Ben's world seems like there's a deep sadness somewhere hidden inside her. I forgot to account for the fact that I'm dealing with two different Wendy's here.

Oh my God, I've made a big mistake!

I shouldn't have done this! What was I thinking? I have no idea if this is what she wants. She's off at college, living in Boston, the last thing in the world she probably wants right now is a fiancé. The Wendy is Ben's world was living at home and working at Starbucks. Marriage would fit right into her life. This Wendy probably wants anything but!

Maybe I can stop this. There's got to be a way to abort the mission.

Impossible. We're already in the lobby of my building getting onto the elevator. I've been "uh-huh"ing and "no way"ing her the whole time, trying to make it seem like I'm listening. Even if I could text Alana to cancel everything, how would I explain her parents and her uncle being in my parents' apartment? I can't. This is going to happen.

You can always go back to being Ben if she says "no".

But I don't want to go back to Ben's life. I want to be Ashley, and I want Wendy in this life. I'm just going to have to do it and hope for the best.

I can do this. I can do this!

We get to my front door and I knock.

Oh shit! I was supposed to text when we got off the train so Alana could get everyone in their places. I forgot!

"Don't you have a key?" Wendy asks me.

I need to give them a moment to get ready in there. I pat my pockets and pretend like I'm looking for it.

"I think I forgot to take it with me," I lie.

She chuckles. "You really are out of it today, Ash."

The door opens. It's Alana. She has a big smile on her face and holds her hand out.

"Hi Wendy," she says.

Wendy looks startled. "Uh, hi," she says and shakes her hand.

"Come on in," Alana says.

She does her part to get Wendy into the apartment, in front of me. Once Wendy walks in, a mass of people pop up all at the same time.

"Surprise!" They all yell out.

Wendy jumps. Behind her I get the ring out of my pocket and get down on one knee. As I do it, the group of people all signal Wendy to look behind her. She turns around and the moment she sees me, she brings her hands to her face.

"Holy shit!" She yells out before her mouth if muffled by her hands.

A couple chuckles ring out behind her. I would laugh too if I wasn't so fucking scared. Alana tiptoes around us and joins the group.

"Hi Wendy," I say. The best I can come up with to start.

"Hi," she says back.

I can hear some sniffles already from the peanut gallery.

"You've been my friend for a long time now," I begin. My hands are sweating, which is probably good because it'll make the ring easier to put on her hand, as gross as that will be. I thought maybe I should say what the Alana that knew Wendy her whole life would say, but I want this to come from me. The real me.

"You might not know this about me, but I've been lost my whole life. I feel like I've always been split between two worlds. In one world is who I'm supposed to be and in the other is who I want to be. For a long time I didn't even know the other one existed. I didn't even know who I wanted to be. Not until I met you. I know it's been difficult with me. How can it not when you love someone but they don't even know who they are. But you've stuck with me. You've never turned your back on me. I didn't know who I was until I met you. I didn't know what it really meant to be happy until I met you. Not when we first met, but when I finally found myself."

I'm not sure where exactly I'm going. I glance beside her and in the group of people, I see the Fountain Man smiling at me.

No, I see Ben smiling at me.

The face that I wore for thirty years, the face who's smile was always forced, and now a face that has found true happiness. Beside him I see Greg, Ben's dad, Jack's boss, and he's smiling at me too. I look at him and he looks startled for a quick moment that my eyes are on him.

My dad is here, smiling back at me.

Seeing him clears my mind. A wave of warmth fills me and I return my gaze to Wendy.

"I love you Wendy. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. With you, I finally know myself." I take a breath and hold up the ring. "Wendy, will you marry me?"

Time seems to stop momentarily. My eyes are fixed on her, trying to find a clue in any movement or twitch her face will make. She doesn't say anything at first. Maybe it's just me but it feels like forever already.

Maybe this is the point where she says "no"?

I take another deep breath and try to muster some armor so I can prepare for the worst. She finally removes her hands from her mouth and I see streams of tears running down her face. Her lower lip is twitching and I can tell she hasn't said anything because she can't speak.

Finally she musters a whisper. "Yes," she says.

I take another deep breath in. I know the word was "yes" but it was so low I don't know if I should move yet.

"Yes," she says again at full voice. "Yes, my answer is yes!"

The peanut gallery behind us starts to clap and I put the ring on her finger. She grabs my hand and helps me to my feet. Both of us grab each other's face and barrel in for a kiss. It lasts forever, the warmest kiss I've ever felt in my life. A feeling fills my body, something new and something familiar at the same time. It's love. Love fills me for the first time. We stop kissing and hold each other close.

"I love you," she says in my ear.

"I love you too," I say back.

We finally turn around and face the group. They're still clapping, pretty much everyone in tears. I look around for the Fountain Man but he's gone.

"Uncle Darren?!" Wendy yells out right next to me. She hops over to him and jumps into his embrace.

Jack is the first one to come over to me and wraps his arms around me.

"Congratulations little sis," he says.

"Thanks big bro," I say back.

When he lets me go, my parents come up and give me a big hug. They say their congratulations, and then it's Alana who comes up and hugs me.

"Thank you," I say to her while we're embraced.

"Are you kidding?" She says to me. "I love doing this stuff."

We let go of each other.

"No," I say, correcting her. "Thank you for being such a good friend. Thank you for being you."

She wipes a tear from her eye and squeezes my hand.

I hug her three roommates as they tell me congratulations. When they're done, I walk over to Greg. I open my arms and he gives me a very professional hug.

"Congratulations," he says.

Jack comes over and cuts in. "I hope you don't mind, Ash. I invited Greg over for Thanksgiving before all this was set up. I kinda forgot to tell you he was coming."

"I hope I'm not intruding," Greg says.

"No, not at all. To me, you're family," I say.

"Well thank you," he says with a smile. "I'm glad to be a part of it.

I see Wendy hugging my parents, so I go over to hers. They give me their congratulations as well. I feel someone tap me on the shoulder and when I turn around, Alana is holding a champaign flute out to me. I notice everyone else has one as well. Alana taps her flute with a knife.

"Everyone raise their glass," she says to the room and they follow. "To Ashley and Wendy."