Lake Dreams

(5) This is never, ever, to be spoken of outside we three.

I asked Boone, "Are you willing to accept those terms?"

He said "Yes." and nodded seriously.

For a moment, in silence, I looked into Claire's eyes where I saw a mixture of disbelief, fear, excitement, and what? Gratitude? I was unsure. I held her face in my hands and softly and briefly kissed her on her lips, crawled out of the tent and went back toward our campsite. As I walked away from Boone's tent, I glanced back and noticed the glow of the electric lantern fading to darkness. It seemed a long walk back.

I woke later to Boone walking Claire back to our tent just before daybreak—the sky was showing the very faintest pale blue of a desert dawn to the east. I heard the murmurs of their conversation before I saw them, but could not make out what was said. He released her hand at the door to our tent trailer and as he walked away she came inside. I rose to meet her and held her close. Neither of us spoke, and then we slept.

This was my vivid lake dream—some may call it a nightmare. To me, it seemed very curious to dream of something from so long ago with such a different outcome than my memory of reality.

Life changes

During 40+ years of marriage, a good love life, and raising happy, well-adjusted kids together, things do change. We have both slowed down. Claire has had some health challenges, but she is dealing with them well. She's lost nearly 100 pounds that she gained in middle-aged motherhood, goes to Gold's gym regularly, and looks very good, I think, for her age. She's had a tummy tuck and some breast work—luxuries made possible by the very good and liberal health insurance I have from working for that company for so many years.

A year ago I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. The oncologist said it was fairly aggressive, and was already likely outside the prostate "capsule" but there was no sign of spread to the blood or bone, yet. While there were many options, prostate removal by laparoscopic surgery was probably my best bet for stopping the cancer, and the sooner the better. Stop the cancer. But there will be side effects. They will be immediate and troublesome, but some, or all of them, may go away over time. Time here, as defined by the surgeon, being 18 to 24 months for an average. Side effects include urinary incontinence and, for most men, erectile dysfunction (ED). ED that Viagra won't necessarily fix. ED that might be total and permanent.

Men have two bundles of nerves that run from the spinal cord to the groin, skirting the prostate gland and enabling male sexual functions. In olden times (20 years ago) these nerves were always lost to a radical prostatectomy. Newer surgical procedures for prostate cancer attempt to be done in a "nerve sparing" fashion. If the nerves can be spared, the man may, after healing, not suffer from ED. I was warned of other side effects, fatigue and depression among them.

I had my surgery as soon as it could be scheduled. Stop the cancer. Afterwards, the surgeon reported that the cancer had spread outside the prostate capsule, but he was confident that they were able to remove all of the cancerous tissue. The bladder was intact, though the sphincter muscles that control urine flow were gone as were some of my lymph nodes and my seminal vesicles. One of the two nerve bundles was lost to the cancer, but the other was saved although slightly traumatized by the removal of some abnormal cells along its length.

The doctor said I should regain urinary continence through healing, Kegel exercises, and rest. That process, he said, would likely take up to 18 months. And, after a period of months of healing, I may be able to achieve a normal erection, although a significant number of men, even with one nerve bundle saved, never do. I am thankful the cancer has been removed, but the side effects are real. In addition to the incontinence and ED, I've had a loss of flaccid penis size. I've been so short of stamina, tired, and weak I can't even do the simple yard work that I used to so enjoy. I wasn't allowed to ride my bicycle or motorcycle for the first four months after surgery. I'm on a blood thinner so I've been warned not to use power tools, not to shave with a blade...the list goes on.

For months, I have often had to choose at any moment whether to do something that was normally expected of me (like open a car door for Claire) or to run to the toilet. Try to be dry, or try to be a man. Which will it be? This has left me moody and depressed. All the things, it seems, that made Alec and made Alec a man have been taken from me. At six months past surgery, the incontinence, at least has gotten much, much better. I can generally stay dry overnight, and can usually make it to the toilet when I feel bladder pressure. Still, I have to wear 'Men's Ultra Absorbent' pads under my briefs because I leak from time to time, especially with a sneeze or a cough.

I've been prescribed Viagra and given a penis pump to use at least three times a week to promote blood flow and prevent calcification of the penis tissue. The vacuum pump causes a slight increase in size and a darkening of color, but no rigidity. There has been, since surgery, no sign of an erection, regardless of the stimulus.

Claire has been very supportive of my choice of treatment and my need for healing, but seems absolutely dismayed at my impotence. At one point, she said, "I can make it hard!" She couldn't. That seemed as much a blow to her womanhood as to my manhood. She cried herself to sleep that night and has done several nights since. This is tough.

We have 'made love' in pleasure sessions with kissing, stroking, and all the sexy play we can muster. I have gone out of my way to make these "date nights" romantic, with music, flowers, candles, a little extra warmth in the bedroom. We've showered together beforehand each time. I have been able to give her a couple of orgasmic releases with manual stimulation. With enough play and direct stimulation, I have orgasms, too, and Claire has done that for me, but they are dry orgasms—no ejaculate—the parts of my body that made and delivered the semen to carry the sperm are gone. I will never again have an ejaculation. Claire enjoys our romantic dates and appreciates what I can do, but she is clear that what she really wants is desire-driven penetrative intercourse, with a real, hot, hard penis filling her. I cannot now, and may never be able to give her that gift.

Still, some things just seem to stick with you.

Very early this morning, while checking FaceBook before tending to my chores, the FB Messenger dinged at me from the PC. I had received a note from Boone. I've not seen him in person nor spoken with him in 25 years. We connected on FB a couple years ago, but have exchanged FB messages maybe three times, total. The most recent time was last year to discuss my prostate cancer diagnosis, the planned treatment, and the feared side effects. We had not had contact since then.

This time we had a good chat, recalling old work times and war stories and bemoaning the ills of aging. He inquired of my health and I gave him the Reader's Digest version. He asked if we still lived in Texas, to which I answered in the affirmative. We discussed the winter weather in the northlands of his home town as compared to our very mild Texas winter. I mentioned that we planned to open our backyard pool for the summer in April.

Boone commented that he would be finishing a project that he was working on at about that time – and said, "Are you saying late April would be a good time to visit?"

Without thinking, I answered, "Sure. We have a nice guest room that overlooks the pool."

Boone: "I could give you a couple days advance notice."

Me: "Great. Look forward to seeing you!"

With that our FB Messenger chat ended.

Before I could sign off, I was thinking, "What the hell did I just do...?"

Maybe this time I'll get to watch?