Law of the Heart - Jill's Opinion

If so, where was he now? He never intervened. I shook my head in disbelief. It couldn't have been him. He'd never have allowed it.

I rose and dried myself. That's when I realized I missed my rings. I had left them on the boat. Damn. I phoned Sally. After an eternity I got her voicemail. She must still be sleeping. I didn't have the Mendozas' numbers.

I slipped into a bathing suit, a blouse and shorts. I went outside. The sun was already high. People were gathering around the distant pool.

No Jake, of course.

I hurried down to the dock. The Mendoza boat was gone. One of the Marina's people told me they had left very early. They didn't say if or when they'd return.

Damn.

I went up to have breakfast. There were only a few of our reunion around. I sat with Steve and Meredith. They looked as fresh as dew.

I fear I wasn't very talkative.

************************************

This last day of the reunion was all about relaxing, really. Some went shopping. I didn't feel like it. The day would end with a good bye dinner. Most would leave early the next morning to catch their planes home.

I felt alone. I missed Jake.

We hung around the pool. We swam a bit. And we tanned a bit more on the beach. We talked about the luau and I got a few uneasy compliments for my "interesting" dance act. I tried to laugh the embarrassment away. It seems the Mendozas had left for a family function.

Sally came down to the beach around noon. She looked devastated. But her smile was intact. She nudged and insinuated about the night before. I told her nothing. Reunions were for the sharing of memories.

No need to make those include recent adventures.

I did inform her about the rings, though. She had the cell phone number of Juan, but he never answered. So I implored her to go after the rings as soon as she could. She should send them up to Boston at once.

Sally grinned.

"Such important rings," she chuckled. I gave her a very dirty look.

It only made her laugh louder.

************************************

After breakfast I had phoned Jake on our home number.

A huge sigh escaped me when he answered. So he was in Boston after all. What did they put in those cocktails yesterday to give me hallucinations like that?

He told me he wouldn't be able to make it. He had been to the airport, he said. But he'd become sick. He still was.

He asked if the reunion was a success. I told him yes. I also told him I missed him. Then he asked if it was romantic. Jake never uses that word. I tried to imagine what it might mean. Then I said it was all lovely and beautiful. We should soon have a holiday here, together.

I meant every word of it.

He then gave me Little Jake. His tiny voice almost made me cry.

Jake didn't return to the phone. He just hung up.

************************************

I stared at the endless ocean. My ears blocked Sally's irritating chit chat. I shivered. Ever since the phone call I had been between two feelings, both bad. Should I feel relieved that Jake could not have been around, last night? If he had been, I had to face being married to a creep.

But if Jake had not been the stalker, if he had not been the silent watcher that enraged me so much, I was even worse off. I had no excuse for fucking the Mendozas.

I gasped at a new thought.

Had I invented Jake's presence? Had I conjured up some devious way to ease my mind? Just so I could convince myself it was okay and grab what my body screamed for? Make it so that it wasn't cheating?

Sure. His spying had outraged me. I had been disgusted by the sick encouragement he seemed to give me.

But how could I ever have thought Jake would do a thing like that? My Jake would have walked in and surprised us all. He would have known it was all silliness and flirtation up to then. On the boat and on the dancefloor.

My Jake would have known it was just that. He would never have just…stood there...gawking? Drooling?

Oh, God.

I rose and excused myself. I never made it to my room. I bought a huge bottle of mineral water to flush the taste of vomit from my mouth.

I needed a drink.

************************************

I drove home from Logan Airport on Sunday morning,

I was glad with the cold and drizzling Boston weather. Al the way up I had feared facing Jake. But the sunny, hot memories of Florida were in such contrast with this everyday, gray city that it at once turned the whole weekend into a dream. A distant mirage.

It almost turned the Jill of Florida into a different person altogether.

The welcome was a perfect let down. Jake didn't even kiss me. He just left me standing and ran to the toilet. I heard him retch.

At least Jake Junior was overjoyed to see me. He never stopped telling me about all the things my parents had done with him. I hugged and kissed him. For a minute I knew all was well.

Looking back I should have known Jake's sickness was mostly an excuse to avoid me. At the time I thought it was real. I felt sorry for him. He had cleaned the house and ordered pizza, even if he couldn't eat it himself.

He never gave me a chance to thank him.

The next morning he had already left for work when I rose. Strange, I thought. I would have assumed he'd call in sick.

I phoned him at his office. His voice almost bit my head off.

"What do you want?" he growled.

I was taken aback. Then I told him we hadn't seen each other since last Thursday. He responded in the oddest way.

"I am surprised you want to see me at all!" he said.

A sick feeling settled in the pit of my stomach.

I protested his tone. I really felt offended. But it got worse.

He almost spit into the receiver.

"Jill, I am not ready to talk about your trip to Miami and who YOU SAW and who SAW YOU at the reunion!"

The sick feeling spread. My voice was hardly more than a whisper.

"Jake…did…did someone call you from Miami?"

He just slammed his phone down.

I sat and stared to the phone in my hand. A maelstrom of possibilities washed through my mind.

Had Steve called him with stories about the dancing, the topless fun, the hot tub? Would that be enough for him to act this way? Or did he hear more?

I called him again. He didn't answer.

I worried.

************************************

That evening Jake was late. He also smelled of liquor. It was all very much out of character. He'd never miss dinner with Jake without calling.

After I took the boy to bed, we talked. I wanted to know why he was acting so horrible. He took offense of that.

"Where are your rings, Jill?"

I had suspected that question, of course. I told him about taking them off for swimming and forgetting them. Sally would send them up.

Once more it seemed odd to me that he was not only upset, but that he tried to control it so hard. Just for those damn rings?

"I see no reason to be such an ass about that, Jake," I said calmly. Then I saw he wasn't wearing his wedding ring either. I commented on it. He opened his collar and showed his ring on a string of leather.

"I'll tell you what Jill," he said. "When you have your rings on your finger, I'll put mine back on. Is that fair?"

The whole conversation left me confused. So he was jealous. And maybe pissed off that I'd had fun while he hadn't been part of it.

He changed his tack to Sally, asking how she was. Then he asked if Sally had led me into any trouble in Miami. Like forgetting I am married. It shook me and I guess it showed. He covered it up by presuming he had meant losing the rings.

He then gave me another dig about me not ever hurting him, of course. I rose at that. I said this whole conversation didn't take us anywhere.

I went to bed. He didn't follow me, but went to the spare bedroom. It almost made me cry.

I called Sally. I urged her to get my rings back. Fast. She just laughed and wanted to know how that lovely night had been. I ignored her. I once more told her to get the damn rings and send them.

************************************

The next morning Jake was all smiles.

But at the breakfast table he started prodding about the weekend again. His questions were as leading as a good lawyer's should be. I didn't budge, though. If he hadn't been there, he could not know. If he had been…I didn't care.

The thought of Jake having been there spying on me and doing nothing, disgusted me. That in the end he had even urged me on, made the nausea rise.

"I'll find it out sooner or later," he said before leaving. He didn't kiss me. It kept me bothered the rest of the day. Not with guilt, but with the foreboding of something worse.

That evening he went at it again.

He even used words like "confessing". I could scream at him with frustration. Why this torment if he hadn't been there? For if he hadn't, it was all just petty jealousy. If he had not seen it himself, he had no cause to distrust me. Unless Juan….no.

I felt a rage grow inside me. I had a hard time controlling it.

Then he dropped a calm little bomb. He said he needed to be away for a few days. I asked him why. He just looked at me sadly. He packed a bag and left.

On the way out he reminded me to let him know when I retrieved the rings.

I just sat there, watching him close the door.

************************************

That same evening I found the rings.

Funny enough I did not pick up the photo albums to find our marriage pictures. I first went for the album containing my pictures from law school. The cold reception had made me yearn back to the 21 year old girl I had been this weekend. I also studied the photos of Jake and me. I looked hard to find out if and what we had lost since then.

I saw we laughed a lot, back then. But well, they were pictures Don't we always laugh on pictures?

When I put back the book, the other album fell out. I picked it up and leaved through it. A shiver went down my back. Did I know these people? So happy, so close.

I sighed, starting to put the album back when something fell out of it. They were my two rings, glued together with tape.

I had to sit down.

The impact of my find hit me in the stomach. Here was proof. I had seen Jake in Florida because he had been there. It was all true. He had spied on me. He had not made himself known, just to see me flirt, dance, kiss. Just to push me on and on.

He had never intervened. My Jake was a voyeur, a stalker. He had pushed me into going on. Step by step. Suggesting a game at first. Then turning it into a sordid, rage driven revenge.

Allowing me to cross the line.

I cried all night. Not from guilt or remorse. I cried because I had lost my love.

************************************

The next morning I rose and saw about Jake. I felt much better. The tears had flushed out the bitterness. I felt lighter and very calm.

I now understood Jake's position. He had turned his burning jealousy into a self fulfilling prophesy. His life long hatred for people like the Mendozas had made him blind for the innocent flirting I did that day. From the first moment he had supposed I'd betray him. Then he'd started working on making it come true.

He never gave me a chance.

Well, I wouldn't either. The game he played these last few days I could play just as well. Maybe better. He wanted me to "confess"? To go down on my knees and show remorse for my "betrayal"?

I'm afraid he'd have to wait a very long time. If anyone should confess, it should be him. For spying on me. For goading me along. For lacking in trust and loyalty.

I guess he didn't know I saw him down there. Funny how he tried to conceal the source of his knowledge. He must feel shame too. A I knew Jake there must be at least a kernel of doubt about his own actions.

Well…I wouldn't release him of that.

I used the next days to settle a few things. I also used them to re-asess my closeness with Little Jake, after the long weekend of absence.

And most of all I used them to give Jake the impression I did not find the rings.

Then I called him at his office. His line was busy, so I left a message.

"Jake, I am worried sick. Are you ever coming home? What is the matter? Please tell me what to do. We need to talk and work this out. Little Jake is wondering where you are? Call me."

He only called me the next day. I knew why he found it necessary to wait. It just enhanced my determination.

I gushed gratitude when he called. It didn't change much of his pedantic righteousness. He at once started about the rings. I almost cried, it was all so small and pathetic.

"Why are you so obsessed about my rings?" I asked. "I told you I have asked Sally to find out about them. I think they may have been stolen from the resort. If Sally can't find them then we will have to make an insurance claim."

He remained silent.

Then I told him again why I had taken the damn rings off. Shit happens, I said. I felt sad about he loss too. But why the fuzz? As if I had taken them off to feel unmarried again? To be free for other men? Is that it?

He asked if I had. Knowing what he had done made me so mad that I almost blew it. I must have sounded hurt and indignant.

Good. It was how I felt.

I guess it was not how he thought I should feel. He once again trumped up all his insinuations. I should think of our great memories, he said. The great times we'd had. The unforgettable moments.

I couldn't help grinning, but in a rather sad way. He tried to subtly point to the album and the hidden rings. He sounded like a lost child. He wanted us back, the security of our happy life. He desperately wanted to find a way without losing face. For a few seconds my heart melted.

I told him I loved him. Which I did and do.

Then my mind returned to what happened in Florida. And all the warmth disappeared.

************************************

Late Sunday afternoon I called him again at the office.

His "hello" sounded calm. Some of the anger had gone. Good.

"You're there!"

"Yes, I am here," he sighed.

"Ah. Ehm, Jake… I'll meet you in the lobby of your building in ten minutes, OK?"

"Why?"

"Please. Meet me there. Just... please be there."

"OK."

************************************

I met him in the lobby. He didn't look too well. Then again, he hadn't looked great all winter.

I had taken care to look my best. There still was the echo of my tan. I dressed in tied jeans and a lovely white blouse. I had also used some make-up. I needed every advantage I could lay my hands on.

When we arrived in his tiny office, I shed the thick winter coat. I know he didn't care how cheap his place looked. I guess he even saw it as proof of his unselfish mentality.

I hated the place. I always thought the shabbiness was an inverted kind of vanity.

He sat in silence. His eyes were on me.

"I have a problem Jake," I said.

"I know," he answered. "I do too."

I sat straight.

"I charged $7,000 last week to our credit cards."

He looked puzzled.

"Yes Jake. You were so hung up about me not wearing my rings. I ordered duplicates from a jeweler. Exact copies that I could fool you with."

"You mean lie to me with, don't you Jill?"

"I don't know, Jake. Would you call it that? I just tried to salvage us. I thought losing two rings wasn't worth losing our marriage."

I held up my left hand. Both rings shone on my finger. He looked away, out of the window into darkening Boston.

"Then I found the originals, Jake."

The silence stretched out.

"You have known all along, haven't you, Jake? How did my rings get back here?"

He looked up. Then he made the one mistake that destroyed all hope. His voice turned cold. The height he looked down from made it almost impossible to still see him.

"I am the injured party here Jill," he said. "I will do the questioning. You can ask me questions on cross examination."

I should have left. But there were things he needed to know.

I objected that this was not a trial. He said it had to be. If he could not be a lawyer, he might be a husband and father. And Little Jake might end up losing a parent. He even insinuated the boy wasn't his.

I watched him dig his arrogant grave. It brought tears to my eyes. How could things have deteriorated like this?

"Go on Jill," he said. "Make your statement. Give your deposition. But remember you are under a marriage oath. You MUST be truthful. Tell me everything and omit nothing. If you don't, if you lie, then there will be a death of some kind. You might say an execution of relationships... husband/wife, son/father, friends/lovers, maybe even mother/son."

Winter's dusk filled the office. My voice was a whisper. I hated the little tremor of emotion.

"Jake," I said. "I came here to see who you are."

His eyebrows rose in the silence I allowed to fall.

"I came to see if you were still worth the effort of restoring our marriage, Jake. And you know, darling…you just blew it."

Anger rushed into his eyes. His head turned red and the knuckles of his hands shone white from the tension of balling them. For the first time ever I feared he would hit me. But I had to go on.

"Honesty, you wanted," I said. "Truthfulness, remember?"

My voice was small, but steady.

He rose behind his desk.

"Truth, woman?" he groaned through his teeth. "The damn truth is you fucked two men while you were away, knowing I wasn't there! The truth is you betrayed our marriage and my love in front of our friends. The truth is you are a cheating WHORE!"

I let the awful word echo through the room. I slowly turned the rings on my finger. Then I looked him in the eyes. They were bloodshot and very angry.

"No, Jake," I said. "The truth is you were there. Not only do I know you were there. I saw you. You were there all evening."

He sank back in his chair.

I dropped my voice even lower.

"You were there and you did nothing. You hid like a cheap voyeur. You circled the luau like a vulture, Jake. Oh yes, things were wild at the dance. I hadn't done that for years. I felt free and young again. But it was all innocent, Jake. It was innocent until you soiled it with your dirty looks and intentions. The first time I saw you, I even went after you. But you retracted into the shadows. What was I supposed to understand, Jake?"

I was amazed that he kept his silence.

I'd expected him to cut into me. To yell at me. That he would scream he had every right to watch if his wife would be faithful in his absence. But he didn't. He just stared, wide eyed.

Then it struck me. This was news for him. He never knew I had seen him. He must be thinking back right now. He must be revising what had happened in the new light I shed upon it.

As I said, Jake is a straight arrow. But he isn't insensitive. He knew things were different now. Could he jump his shadow?

"Jake," I said. "You confused me no end, honey. At first I thought you'd started a game. That you challenged me to tease you. It was so unlike you, but I was hot and horny from the dance and the drinks and all. So I thought: what the hell? If that is what he wants. And I started dancing real dirty. And stripping, like Hector's wife."

His hand was in front of his eyes. I moved to his desk to touch him, but he moved back. He stared me in the eyes.

"Honey," I went on. "You never came to collect me. You just urged me to work myself into a state and then let me dangle. You made me feel so dirty, Jake."

He rose, turned away and went to the window. I saw his face reflected in the dark glass. He looked very pale.

"It doesn't matter," he said at last. "You betrayed me."

************************************

In the silence that followed I could hear the clinks and clunks of the ancient radiators. I folded my hands, covering the rings.