Learning About A Man

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Can we ever really know?
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Just to put things in perspective, I am a Doctor, female, 51. I am way too thin and know it, I am working on that. I recently lost my husband, known to some of you as "Magichands". I will say only that I had 20 years of complete happiness with this fine and gentle man.

I have suffered from episodes of depression for many years, only recently when it became obvious was it diagnosed. Ted's death tore me apart, I just spiraled down and down. Then somehow I started to write it all down. It became almost like therapy, my own words let me analyze myself. Say what you will about this, Ted encourages me, he is right here, all the time. I feel that.

The old saying is, "Physician heal thyself!" This is harder than it sounds, like all of us, we deny the signs.

So I go on, hoping it helps me, and if it helps someone else to have the courage to try, that is wonderful.

I recently met a man in Reno, quite a guy. Wealthy, position of importance, and he knows how to treat a lady, which I tried very hard to be.

I will concede that many times if someone saw me, they would think I was not really a lady.

Ted, my man, rests now in my living room. Sometimes he invades my head, but only when it suits him, like always.

One might think my dating so early is terrible, and my Mother, who I lost just months ago also, would agree.

But all are wrong, Ted tried very hard to find a kind man to take his place. The problem is, he never realized just how special he was.

He thought a good man who was kind to me and could provide would do, it would not! I need a MAN, one who takes charge of me and drives me into a corner of my mind, no escape, just him, the moment, and what he does to me.

I have seen Ted do some things that are not exactly normal. In a physical situation with someone, he simply moved around and did enough to take control.

This was against large men who were trying to hurt him.

It was so easy for him, tiny motions, deceptions, quick little slaps with his fingers, they would fold. Usually without disruption or fanfare, often people standing nearby did not even notice.

I did.

Ted was big and strong, too. Just 220#, he pushed 320 pounds on the bench press he kept in our den, and often sat around lifting 20 pound barbells as he watched TV.

Yet he was a massage therapist and teacher as a profession, his hands as gentle as a child's when he wished. He looked at people with those eyes, and saw everything about them.

I wondered about his past sometimes, any questions were met with instant evasion. I mentioned that in one of my earlier stories, someone send feedback suggesting some contacts for me to find out.

I felt guilty but I did it.

The first came back stating "General discharge under honorable conditions" with no other information. 45 days of service. Discharged due to medical.

That wasn't right, and I knew it. So I tried again, invoked the freedom of information act, it was now a challenge.

Friday morning the packet arrived. I took the day off, it was huge. A lot of it was blacked out, but there was enough.

My late husband served as a weapon for his Nation for 5 years. That explained a lot about the way he was. Here was a man who sat on the porch in the spring and caught Hummingbirds with his bare hands, bringing them in to me to see.

I saw him one day, his right hand held out, bees covering his arm. He had spread honey and was feeding them, so he could watch.

Wild deer would eat sliced apples from his hands, I would step out to watch and they would vanish. Peeking out of the upstairs windows, I would watch them return, hesitant, then confidence building as his soft voice coaxed them, they were right back.

How could any man do these things?

Yet it was like this every day, normal. He was one, a part of everything around him. I knew now that he had been taught to be in the wild, to be a wild animal. They used him to kill, I suspect. Perhaps people who were percieved to be an enemy for some reason or another. I hope not, but I think that may be true. I also knew he had been made to do other terrible things, and this was part of why I found him on a street, a simple bum. Ted fought his own demons, he also suffered from episodes. Why didn't I ever recognize myself from his symptoms? I can't answer that, I don't know.

Bringing Ted back was almost like raising the child I never had, yet wanted desperately. Having a child is something only a woman can experience, simply surviving it would be enough for most males. I have had newborns drop in my hands, the mother screaming. Then the almost instant change as they realize it is over and what they have accomplished! Wonderful beyond belief, that moment.

So as Ted grew back to normalcy, he became the man I fell in love with. He was also a lot like that child I never got to have, if that makes sense. I somehow had to make him come back to a real life, he just wanted to sit and die.

I know about Ted now. I also now know that he cannot be replaced, that was somehow peace to me. I spent so much time comparing, the goal was beyond possible. I think I had a part in the creation.

Jon, the man I met in Reno, was due in on Saturday. I wanted to meet him at the airport, I had it all planned right down to the shade of lipstick.

He emailed me to let me know he was flying in to Seattle to take care of some business with a client. Some High roller types that they actually send private jets for.

I was a bit upset, but I knew he was coming, that was fine.

He showed up an hour early, I heard the car in the drive. I looked out, a black limosine.

DAMN! Caught in a T-shirt and jeans, I almost panicked trying to fix my hair and get ready, too late. The knock on the door, I gave up and went to answer.

Here stood Jon, wearing a T-shirt and blue jeans, I couldn't help it I started laughing so hard I ended up gasping for breath.

He was showing concern and confusion at first, I finally got enough breath to admit to him how I wanted to be all dolled up when he arrived.

Jon just laughed and said he wasn't like that, and to relax. Then he kissed me, holding me wrapped up in his arms.

I looked over his shoulder at my husband, resting in the bronze vase by the wall. Not one word, not a peep.

I think he may approve.

Jon and I sat side by side and chatted, I had expected him to reach for me, he didn't.

We talked about everything, I showed him the documents I had just recieved. Jon read them, looked at me, said, "A bit frightening".

"Never to me"

Then Jon wanted to see some pictures, it hit me I had less than a dozen all told. I pulled them out, he looked at them. One in particular showed Ted standing with a bottle of water, the sun at his back, his upper body outlined. He was wearing just a pair of shorts, bare upper body. Just beginning to tip the bottle of water back, his chest and upper body show defined, powerful. It is a beautiful sight.

The picture showed clearly the man he was, down to the scars and bullet wounds he carried. In the photo he was 50, just the beginnings of a midriff, big without being overly developed.

It is hard to describe that picture, it is my favorite of him. Something about it showed him as being completely and totally in control of everything around him.

Jon noticed that, too.

"How do I match up to that?"

"You don't have to."

Jon looked at me. "Was I as good a lover as him?"

"You are different and good!"

"What is different?"

I thought hard on that question. "You don't own me yet." I told him.

"Can I?"

"Yes, maybe."

Finally he reached for me, another of those sessions of need, grabbing and almost fighting each other to give pleasure.

Jon spent the night in my bed, the same bed I had never in my entire life shared with any man but my husband. At 10 AM Sunday morning, there was a knock on the door. I opened it to a driver, picking Jon up to go home.

I spent the rest of the day alone, waiting for the darkness to come to me, waiting for needing to take my medication.

It is now nearly 11 PM, I am going to go to bed. I haven't needed medicine for 2 days now. The only reason I am online writing is because of the voice, Ted's voice. If I take the medicine I can't hear him. Well that isn't completely true, I still can but the words are like being off-channel, hard to understand. He knows, he stopped and waits until early mornings or when I am late with my pills. I like him talking to me, so I sometimes sit and wait for it.

"Go write it down." he said to me. No one needs to believe that, that is fine. It happens just to me.

Well, that isn't completely true. Sally, my close friend and supervisor at the Hospital was visiting one day to check up on me.

Ted said, "The lady needs to work out a bit!"

(Sally has an ample behind.)

Sally said, "What?"

"OOPS!" Ted said, and then silence.

Sally looked at me funny, I lied and said I didn't hear anything. She still had a puzzled look on her face when she left. Some things I haven't explained yet, things like that scare people.

I did as my man told me, he lives here now, he always will. I tried to explain it to Jon, and that Ted isn't jealous. Jon looked at me strangely but said nothing.

In fact, Ted is happy and pleased for me. He loves me, I know this.

To some, I am crazy. To me, I am not. I live each day now to see what the day brings. I like being with Jon, I think he likes me. I even thought for a moment that I was in love, but I had had a few drinks about then, something I almost never do.

I am not dead yet, I have a life to live. Thank God I had a man strong enough to let me be a woman! He may be gone from this life but he is right here, watching over me.

I am completely at peace with that now.

Two days, no medicine, no dark times, no tears.

For those of you still in the dark, look outside, try. It is working for me.

Now I have a challenge. I must let Jon read my stories, then Ted's. At least the true ones, some are fantasies. He may be shocked and never want to see me again. I am ready for that if it happens. But it has to be done. My next trip can't be until March, I have a job, patients to see who need me. Perhaps Jon can come here, I don't know. We shall see.

Yes, I shall see.

Thanks to all of you who understand and offer support.

To the rest, as Sally says, "Fuck'em!"

LoL

Lee

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AnonymousAnonymousabout 20 years ago
You're not crazy

Hi Lee,

I have lost, as in died, people I have loved. And I have learned a few things after those losses.

First, our spirits do live on. We are immortal after all! I am not a reborn or "first" born Christian. I don't go to church. I don't really approve of organized religions at all. But I know that what Jesus and the Buddha and other teachers we've had have told us is true.

So, Ted is still with you. He is in a state of love and does want you to be happy. You are not imagining his voice or his presence. I have felt and "heard" similar messages. So, I add my good wishes for you and your seekings. I enjoy your writings and find your sexuality exciting and interesting. But not just that. Your life itself and your thoughts are really fascinating.

I can only conclude that life is fun and funny even in the midst of pain and depression. I have been depressed too. Walker Percy, not a bad writer himself, says in his book, "Lost in the Cosmos," that if you live in modern times and you're not depressed, something is wrong with you! But there is light ahead (and around) and even in the valley of the shadow, don't fear. Love is stronger than evil.

Ted is a being of love, no matter what he was used for by the custodians of our "national interests" and so are you. So, please hang in there and carry on despite your pain and know that lots of us are cheering for you.

Thanks for sharing with us. You are sharing with more than you know, I think.

RD

AnonymousAnonymousabout 20 years ago
Keep it up Lee -- you are doing just great

Wow -- I am so impressed. Don't ever stop. Your writing is so lucid -- and so moving. I love it!

Andy

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