Led by the Ring in His Nose

How thirty people can gather in one spot in less than three seconds and all be speaking is a mystery to me. Neela's father clapped his hands once. The room was silent.

He asked, "Ben, is that a ring?"

I nodded and said, "Yes, Sir."

"Is it a ring that has significance beyond being a gift?"

"Only if Neela accepts it. At the moment it represents an investment of money and the intention for Neela to accept and agree to a proposal."

At the word proposal twelve women gasped. Neela's father said, "Hush! I make business proposals six times a day!" He waved his hands in dismissal.

Neela held the box, but didn't open it. I wondered why. Finally her father said, "Neela! He gave you a box with a ring in it. Are you interested in seeing the ring sometime this year?"

She blushed, smiled and carefully removed the paper. She opened the clamshell box and the same twelve women gasped again. I knew it was twelve women because that's how many were in the house.

I reached into the box and removed the ring. I felt the family move closer. I said, "Neela, I offer this ring to you on Christmas, but not as a Christmas present." I showed her the ring and there was a three-inch long string hanging from the ring. "This ring comes with a string attached. You can only have the ring if you also accept the string. The string is that you accept me as your husband and that the wedding must happen before 2009 is over. If the wedding does not happen, the ring comes back to me."

Neela didn't move. She asked, "What do I get for Christmas if I don't accept the ring?"

"Memories of all the time we had together up until tonight." She might have asked the question thinking I would offer the Caribbean vacation again, but since she had made sure I was publically asking for an engagement I was making sure she knew I was serious.

She reached for the ring. I did not let it go. I asked, "Do you accept me as your husband and life partner?"

"Yes!" She reached again for the ring. I held her wrist and said, "In my tradition I put the ring on and you cannot remove it. Do you accept?"

"Yes!" She extended her fingers and I slipped the ring onto her finger. When it was on I leaned to her and kissed her on the mouth. When that kiss ended I kissed the ring on her finger.

The room erupted in noise. The twelve women gathered and congratulated Neela. Her father hooked my arm and led me out of the family room into a quieter room. All the men followed. The last man closed the door, dampening the noise.

The father held out his hand and said, "Give back the box, please."

The unmarried brothers moaned. He shot them a look and the moans stopped. I gave him the box. He said, "When I proposed to my wife her father gave me this box. All the men of his family had received it. I laughed along with all the family who laughed thirty-seven years ago when he gave it to me. Everyone laughed when I opened the box. It was wrong then and wrong today. Today I took it back and wish the old man who gave it to me were still alive so I could kick his ass. He insulted me. We will not insult you."

"What's inside the box?" I asked.

He lifted the lid and I saw a bull's ring. Early in a bull's life a ring is inserted in his nose, making him easy to lead around. Giving a man a bull's ring is symbolic of telling him he is not fully a man, but is to be easily led around by the nose.

I looked at him and asked, "Neela knew what was in the box?" Her father nodded.

"She knew you were going to be giving it to me tonight?" He nodded again.

"What did she say about it?" I asked.

"Nothing." Her oldest brother said. Her father nodded again.

I held out my hand toward the box and her father gave it to me. I put the lid back on it. I looked at all the men of the family and said, "The past is the past. I live in the here and now. If I do nothing about this then forever more every woman in the family knows that I have been given and accepted a ring for my nose."

I turned and went back into the room where all the women were celebrating. All the men followed me in silence. I went straight to Neela who was sitting on a couch with her mother and an Aunt. When I stood in front of her the room got quiet.

I helped her stand and I said, "You knew about the box I was to be given." I held the box in my hand, inches from her and directly between us. "You knew what was in the box. I want you to tell me the symbolism of what is inside this box, please." I held the box out to her.

Tears fell from her eyes and she didn't speak and she didn't accept the box. Her mother spoke and said, "It's just a joke." I did not turn to face her mother.

"Answer me, please." I surprised myself at how calm my voice sounded.

"It symbolizes that married men get led around by the nose." Neela whispered.

"I gave you a ring symbolizing my intent to have you as my partner in life, an equal partner. Less than an hour later I'm given a symbol of me being less than a partner. In fact, less than a man. There will not be a wedding. We will not be married. I misunderstood. I believed you wanted a partner. Please forgive me."

I dropped the bull ring box on the floor and headed for the door. Neela grabbed me and said, "It was not my idea! The ring has been given to men of the family for generations!"

I took another step. "You can continue to give the ring to men for twenty more generations, just not to me. I wanted a partner. I believed I was clear about what I proposed. I screwed up! My parents are partners and I made the assumption that was what all of you wanted in a marriage. I don't want to be the king or serve the queen. I misjudged how you all see marriage. My mistake." I shook my arm to get Neela to let go.

She said, "I don't want to be the queen. I want to be your partner! Maybe to my Mom it was a joke, but not to me. I made a mistake. I never want to lead you around by the nose or anything else."

I faced Neela and said, "Neela, I love you and want you to be my partner in life for the rest of my life. If equal partnership is your definition of marriage then I ask you again, will you marry me and be my life partner?"

"YES!" she screamed and we kissed. When the kiss ended I looked at everyone in the room and said, "Is anyone unclear about what we just promised?"

No one spoke. Neela got me to a couch and as soon as I sat she was in my lap. We talked quietly about marriage and many misconceptions got discussed. The noise level eventually returned to normal in the house. As soon as Neela and I sat her mother got up and walked out of the room.

When she didn't come back after twenty minutes I said, "Your Mom didn't come back. I think my beliefs about marriage have upset her. Her husband has held onto the ring for many years and I rejected it and what it stands for. I think maybe our partnership is going to get between your mother and you."

"She's upset right now, but she'll come around."

"Why would she? She's had her man by the ring in his nose for thirty plus years. Seeing you and me in a partnership has to give ideas to every man in the family. It has to piss off every woman in the family who likes the symbolism and the power of the ring."

"What can I do? She's upset. I am still going to marry you."

"How long have you ever been away from your Mom?"

"I had a summer job one summer and I was in Maine for eleven weeks."

"Did you talk with your mother on the phone during those eleven weeks?"

"Almost every day." She answered. I looked at her and thought about their relationship, their family culture and what a partnership with me might cost Neela.

I said, "This is a power struggle. To keep you I have to accept the ring. Then she gets to keep the status quo just as it has been for over thirty years. In fact just as it was in the family she grew up in. To get me to accept the ring she is willing to withdraw herself from your life."

"No, I don't think so. She just left the room for a little while." We sat quietly for a few moments.

I said, "I want to do an experiment. I want you to stay here with your family between now and New Years Eve. I will call you every day and we will talk. Do whatever wedding planning you want to do. And, the most important thing, listen to the family. They will tell you what they think of what I did. They will be excited about the wedding or they will be less than excited about the wedding. You listen and then you decide."

"Decide?"

"If you marry me it may cost you the relationships you have with every person in this house. Can you choose to marry me and lose all of them or would it be better for you to give me back the ring and stay inside this family?"

"You want me to choose between my family and being married to you?" I heard how painful such a decision would be.

"No. I'm making a judgment call here. From what has happened here tonight I believe your family will push for you to reject me. I love you and I want you as a partner for life. Watch the dynamic for a week. Will they ask you to make decisions as the queen or as my partner? If you say you want to discuss a decision with me, are they supportive or not? In one week you will have a clear picture of what the relationship with your family will be like if you marry me. Then, on New Years Eve I'll come back here to pick you up for our night of dancing and celebration at the hotel. Your family has rented rooms at the hotel and bought tickets for the dinner dance. I have rented a room on the same floor as all of you. When I arrive here to pick you up, you can hand me back the ring and I'll go away or you can go with me to the dinner dance and spend the night with me as my bride to be."

"You could be totally wrong, you know!"

"I hope and pray that I am. I need for us both to know for sure what we're up facing."

"I'll talk to them about their feelings. I think you're wrong."

"Please don't. Watch and listen. If you bring it up you'll hear what they think you want to hear. Tell them I had to go help my parents for a few days. You were going with me and hang with my Mom while Dad needs to overhaul the engine on his truck and I can help him. Instead, stay here and watch and listen. I'll pray every day and every night that I'm wrong about how this looks to me."

"Ok, but I don't think it will take a week for me to know I get to wear this ring for the rest of my life."

We kissed and while we were kissing my cell phone rang. It was my landlord. Someone had broken into our apartment and the police needed us to come home and meet with them immediately.

I told Neela what happened. She told her father we had to leave and in two minutes we were on the road. By three in the morning we had inventoried our apartment, filled out paperwork for the police and repaired the lock on the front door. Neela called her father and arranged to spend the week with them. No one asked for reasons. Hearing that our apartment had been broken into was justification enough for them.

I took Neela and her suitcase back to her parent's home and kissed her Good-Bye at nine o'clock in the morning. We had napped a little before I took her back to their home. Neela's sister, Sariah, came out to my car with a thermos of coffee and a bag lunch for me. She gave me two healthy sandwiches, a banana and a small bag of chips. Neela gave me a couple of fire starter kisses and then she went inside. I did not see her mother once in the fifteen minutes I was there.

Back at our apartment I got the front door replaced and added a dead bolt to the new door. Then I called Dad and told him I was on my way. As I drove I called him again on my cell and explained why Neela wasn't with me.

For most of the year the trip between my apartment and Mom and Dad's took forty minutes. On Christmas day it was snowing and it took me an hour and forty minutes. I ate the lunch Sariah had made for me. I called her at noon and thanked her for the lunch. I spoke to Neela too and she told me that she was learning a lot. I took that to mean she was watching and listening.

The rest of the week Dad and I worked on overhauling the engine of his truck. The engine had four million miles on it when we started the overhaul. Mom was great! She brought us snacks, coffee, made runs to the parts store and bandaged my knuckles when I abused them. We listened to music and sang along with the radio often. I started helping on the twenty-sixth, a Friday. On New Years Eve Day, at noon, we drove the truck to the Caterpillar dealer for a final inspection. I headed home to get ready for my date with destiny. Neela and I had spoken almost every day briefly but had avoided anything about what she was learning from and about her family.

I got home and acted like I was getting ready for a really important date. I packed extra clothes for January first, watching football and snacking all day at Neela's parent's home. I dressed in my tux and headed for their house. It had stopped snowing at about one in the afternoon.

When I got to their house there were three cars parked in the driveway and the curbs were full in front of their house and the houses either side of their house. I double-parked at the end of their driveway, making room for it to be easy for Neela to get into my El Camino... if she was going with me.

The porch light was not on. The sidewalk from the driveway to the porch had four inches of snow on it. In my mind these were not good signs. I got out of the El Camino and used my big Maglite to light my way to the porch. I pressed the doorbell button and didn't hear anything. I knocked on the metal frame of the storm door. I waited a minute and knocked again. I looked at my watch and waited exactly another minute. I knocked again.

The front door opened and Neela's father was standing there in his tux. He didn't move towards opening the storm door. He didn't say anything. I said, "I'd like to speak to Neela please."

"Tough." He said. He swung the door closed. I waited and then knocked. The door opened and Neela's oldest brother stood in the doorway. "Are you stupid? Neela is not going anywhere with you. If you don't leave we'll call the cops."

"I'm not stupid. I will leave." He swung the door closed and I walked back to the El Camino. I put it in gear and drove away. I wondered if Neela was being prevented from talking to me or if what I saw was her idea of how to say Good-Bye and keep the ring.

I drove around for a while, aimlessly. I drove past a bank that had the time and temperature displayed on the front of the building. It read, "34F 9:22pm." The dinner portion of the dinner-dance was over. I had an idea and went into action. My El Camino made a right turn and headed for the hotel. I used their valet parking and carried my bag to the registration desk.

I gave the clerk my name and asked for my room key. He said that my reservation had been cancelled and he had no key for me. I asked who had rented the room after my reservation had been cancelled. He would not give me the name. Naturally, on New Years Eve there were no available rooms.

I spoke to the manager and showed him that I was the one who made the reservation and I didn't cancel the reservation. He apologized and said that since the new tenants had moved in he couldn't throw them out. He offered me a two-night stay for any night of 2009. I took it and put the paperwork in my bag and had him hold onto the bag for me. I told him I guessed I would be back for it around midnight.

I could hear the music playing in the grand ballroom. I showed my ticket at the door and walked in. The dance floor was packed. I searched the crowd for any of Neela's family. The band played three different tunes before I saw any of them. The one I saw was Sariah the younger sister who had made a lunch for me. She was headed towards the exit and I assumed to the restroom. I followed.

When she came out of the Ladies room she saw me and quickly looked around to see who else she saw. She motioned with her eyes to a hallway and then she went there. I waited a minute and followed.

When I got close she said, "You need to leave!"

"Why? I bought a ticket just like you did."

"Momma hates you! She stopped cooking for the men on Saturday and she told Father that his sex life was over forever if Neela went with you."

"You heard her say it?" I had trouble believing her.

"She was screaming when she said it! We all heard it. If Father sees you I don't know what he'll do, but he won't be alone. I have brothers, you know."

"Is Neela here?"

"Yes. She's sitting at table twenty-eight with a brother on either side of her."

"Is she wearing my ring?"

"No. Momma took it off of her and hit it with a hammer. In the process she broke Neela's finger. She made us watch."

"Go back inside and dance. I'll never tell anyone I spoke to you, but Thank you. You must love Neela a lot."

"I do." She went up on her toes and kissed my cheek then hurried away from me. She didn't look back once. I waited until the band played two more tunes then I headed back inside. The bandleader stepped to the microphone and announced, "The band will be taking a short break. We'll be back in fifteen minutes."

Recorded music came on and about half the couples went back to their tables to rest and get refreshments. I looked for table twenty-eight and when I found it I saw that Neela looked miserable. She had been crying. There were five people at the table. Neela with a brother on either side of her, her Father next to one brother and Momma next to the other brother. All five looked like they were equally miserable.

As the band resumed their seats on the bandstand, I walked to the center of the dance floor, facing table twenty-eight. I stood there with my feet shoulder width apart, arms at my sides, smiling. None of the people around me paid any attention to me.

After a minute the band began to play. I didn't move. Dancing couples moved around me like I was part of the furniture. When that tune ended the band switched to a romantic, slow tune and a female singer began to sing. Neela looked up and her eyes locked on mine for a second. She quickly looked at her brothers and parents to see if they had seen me. She slowly lifted her left hand and I saw the third finger was bandaged. Momma had damaged her to get the ring!

Suddenly I saw a man's face between Neela and me. He wasn't part of the family. He said, "I've been watching you. You don't dance or even sway to the music. Why are you standing here in the middle of the dance floor?"

"You work here at the hotel?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Here's the story. There's a woman here I've asked to marry me. She accepted on Christmas, but her mother has decided she cannot marry me. She is blackmailing all the men of the family to keep her away from me or me away from her. I bought tickets for tonight, rented a room here in the hotel as well. The room reservation got cancelled, but not by me. Her Momma can keep me from marrying her. Her Momma can keep me from sharing tonight with her. Momma can even get her husband and sons to come out here on the dance floor and beat the shit out of me, but Neela has seen me here. She knows what her family is doing and she knows I love her enough to let them come out here and beat me. Her Momma will ruin lives to keep her power position in the family."

He held his hand out to me and we shook hands. He said he would alert security so that if the family got physical I wouldn't get hurt badly. I thanked him. He walked away. I winked at Neela when I could see her again. She was crying. The band played two fast tunes and I saw Neela's brother get up from beside her left side and head for the restroom. I saw the man from the bandstand stop him and talk to him. The brother was back in time for the beginning of the next slow tune. The brother to Neela's right looked right at me and I saw the color drain from his face. He looked at his mother and she was looking at her husband.