Legend of The Headless Horse Cock

"Never mind Peg. The only important thing is that you're all right. I should go and thank Randy for keeping you safe. He is being treated in the West Wing. He is a lot worse of than you."

Peggy looked worried and actually seemed to care about the welfare of Horse-dung. Yep, the marriage was definitely over.

"What are his injuries," she asked.

"Apparently he's now a head shorter," I giggled.

Peggy stared at me in horror.

"No silly, not THAT head. The other one. Somehow he got the head snipped off his cock, and they couldn't find the missing piece."

She held her hands in front of her mouth. I continued...

"... but I'm sure it will show up sometime within the next twenty-four hours. Don't you agree SUGAR BUNS?"

I left Peggy in a state of alternating between crying hysterically and projectile vomiting. I was disappointed in her -- I really thought her to be a devout vegetarian.

On my way out I made a stop at Randy's room. He didn't look too good, which lifted my spirit even further. The entire lower half of his body was wrapped in bandages and he was hooked up to several drips and other scary looking hospital shit.

"Hi Randy. How's the head?"

"Mr. Beauford," he said with a slight smirk. "What can I do for you?"

"Let's just cut the bullshit, shall we? The head of the matter is, that you fucked my wife earlier this evening."

"A gentleman never tells," he said with a grin that normally would have annoyed the hell out of me.

"Listen Randy. I totally get it. You were in the throes of your hormones and lost your head. Could have happen to anybody."

"Glad you understand Mr. Beauford," he said, somewhat puzzled.

"I sure do Randy. And I see no reason why this minor incident should cause things to come to a head between us."

"Eh... couldn't agree more Mr. Beauford."

"Life is too short for us to keep butting heads over trivialities."

"Fine with me, but why do you keep saying head?"

"Oh crap. Freudian slip. They didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"Your cock. Apparently Peg was in the process of sucking it when the accident happened and she always had really good teeth."

"Are you... you're kidding me man. Say you're kidding. This ain't funny, seriously! C'mon man..."

"Sorry Randy. Seems like you're missing a piece. But I hear you have plenty of inches to spare."

"NO NO NO! It can't be!" he exclaimed and began clawing at his bandages like a madman.

With Randy seemingly preoccupied with something else I decided to take my leave.

"I'll be heading home Randy. Happy Halloween to you."

On my way out I bumped into the head nurse, who fixated me with a stern look.

"I must ask you to refrain from visiting any more patients Mr. Beauford. You seem to be a bad influence on them. Maybe it's best if you leave the premises immediately. We just had to fixate your sister to the bed and sedate her."

On pure impulse I grabbed her head and pulled her close.

"I SO lurve me a hot chick in uniform," I drawled and kissed her hard and passionately.

Afterwards she just stood, face flushed, and stared at me with wild eyes. She looked like she was preparing to either say something or slap me, but just in that moment Randy started screaming at the top of his lungs. Guess he finally got those bandages removed.

While the nurses rushed to Randy's room with an assortment of syringes I quietly exited the front door into the chilly October night. So far I'd witnessed the destruction of my marriage, avenged my wounded pride and put down a bad horse. Not too shabby for few hours work.

But the night was still young, I was still dressed in a cool Ninja suit and I still had a score to settle with Hannah for enabling my wife. Oh yes - Halloween wasn't quite over yet...

The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And one more bitch to burn before I sleep

Eat your heart out Robert Frost.