Lesser Gods Ch. 14-16

She was crying now, so her voice cracked as she answered, "I am so sorry, Grey. I was so scared, and all I could think was how I owed you an apology. I really thought you exaggerated the risk, but I was wrong. I'll listen to you now, I promise."

He didn't move, he didn't say anything, and she savored the warmth and security of being in his arms. She felt a gentle push on her mind, like someone knocking on the door, asking permission to enter. She opened the door of her mind and he entered. He shared his fear, his worry, his relief. Then he shared how much he loved her, and let visions flow of them together that were beautiful beyond words. He asked her, silently, if she had feelings for him, or if it was Enrique she preferred. She didn't answer in her mind, or with her voice, instead she pulled his head aside slightly and kissed him, hesitantly at first, then with warmth, then with passion. The visions flooded her mind, but she didn't take notice. All she knew was the feel of the man in her arms.

A knock at the door caused them both to jump, and Zoe giggled slightly in embarrassment. Grey moved away and Zoe opened the door. Enrique entered with a tray of food, saying, "I thought you'd be in bed already." Zoe chanced a quick glance at Grey and then blushed at the direction of her thoughts. "I brought some of everything because I didn't know what you might like. Climb into bed and I'll put the tray across you," Enrique continued, unaware of anything amiss.

Zoe obediently climbed in the bed and accepted the tray. She looked at Enrique with a deep sadness. He was a very sweet man, and she liked him a lot, she just didn't feel about him they way she did Grey.

Enrique was gabbing away, not seeming prone toward leaving. Grey focused a look on him and suddenly Enrique felt he was needed downstairs.

Zoe "tsked" Grey as soon as Enrique was gone. "You planted a suggestion, didn't you," she asked.

"Did you want him here? I can call him back," Grey asked, feinting toward the door.

"No," she answered, and he came back to the bed. "I just can't believe you used your powers that way. You should be ashamed," she said lightly, smiling and reaching for his hand. "I will have to tell him soon. Unless you want to erase his memories and make it easier on everyone?"

"You know I can't do that. I can tell him, if you'd like," Grey offered, sitting on the side of the bed.

"No, that's my job," she said, "I never meant for all that to happen in the first place, so it's my place to clean up my mess. I hope he isn't too hurt."

"He will be," Grey said simply, then continued at her confused look, "how could he not? He'll have lost the most amazing woman he ever met."

"To the most amazing man he's ever known," Zoe finished for him. "You know he idolizes you, they all do." Grey cocked an eyebrow at her and she thought better of her statement, "wrong word. He loves and respects you...immensely."

With regret, Grey answered, "I know he does. I want to feel bad about taking you away, but I just can't."

He reached out a hand to brush a strand of hair behind her ear, then traced her jaw with his fingertips. She closed her eyes to savor the tingle that his touch left behind.

"You must be tired," he said, misinterpreting her closed eyes, "I should let you eat something, then you should rest."

"I'm fine, Grey," she said, smiling, "I really just want to sit with you and talk. There's so much I want to know about you, and even more importantly right now, is there any way we can figure out what happened to the time I lost?"

Grey pondered a moment, then suggested, "I can search your memories for anything deeply sublimated, or traces of anything erased," he paused before saying, "It would mean I'd know everything in your head. Nothing would remain hidden."

"Wow," Zoe answered, a little stunned, "I really want to know what happened while I was there. I think we all need to know that. I'm just not sure I can handle complete disclosure."

"I can drop things I find as soon as I see they aren't what we are looking for, but that means I still see them, if only in bits and pieces," he explained, "and I can't make any promises..."

"I understand, you'd try to give me some privacy," Zoe hesitated, "But no one wants their entire life laid out before someone, especially someone they hope to have respect them."

"If it makes you feel any better," Grey said, looking at the floor, "I already know just about everything you've ever done. Remember, we kept close tabs on you as your grew up. I don't know your every thought, but knowing nearly your every action is pretty close." He finally looked up at her, "And I respect you."

Zoe's face held a combination of embarrassment, accusation, and horror. In a small, strangled voice she said, "You know everything I've ever done? Every lie I've told, every line I've crossed?"

"Yes," Grey responded, looking deeply into her eyes, trying to reassure her.

"I need to process that," she continued in that strangled voice.

He reached out to take her hand, but she pulled it away and sat back against the pillows, eyes to the ceiling.

She was doing a quick review of her adult life, the things she would hope Grey didn't know about her quickly surpassed the things she wanted to share with him, but he apparently knew them all!

"And I still love you, Zoe. All people make mistakes. We all sin," he said, seeming to read her mind, even though she knew he didn't.

"But how could you," she asked, "how could you love me knowing I had my mom committed against her will by lying to the authorities? How could you love me knowing I gave myself to a man I didn't love to buy a sense of security? How could anyone?" she was starting to cry.

Grey moved the tray and gathered her into his arms, where she felt stiff and unyielding, but didn't actively resist him.

"Zoe, I've lived a very long time. I've seen more of human nature than anyone but God and a handful of angels. No one knows more about the convoluted paths that lives can take than I do," he forced her to look him in the eye, "I understand the weaknesses that lead to those kinds of decisions. You did what you felt you needed to do in that time and place. I can't fault you for those decisions, given what you had to work with. God forgives easily, but forgiving yourself is much harder. I harbor no ill will toward you or anyone who is just trying to survive the best they can. Evil is not in the action, so much as the intention, and you have never intended evil, I know that much!"

"How do you know that?" she cried, "I'm not even sure why I did some of the things I've done. I rationalize that I did things for the right reasons, but sometimes I did things because it was easy, or at least easier than the alternative, even when I knew the alternative was more honorable, more honest. I've been a pretty awful person at times: as I think about it, most times, even." She swiped at her tears and Grey handed her some tissues which she used to hide her face from him. Mumbling through the tissues, she continued, "And you're so honorable, so respectable, an angel for Pete's sake!"

"And so are you," he said gently. "You are chosen to do the work of God, just as I am, but you can't do that until you clear your mind, your heart, of the guilt for things in your past. Ask, and forgiveness is yours, but then you have to actually let them go. I will never speak of them again. Can you do the same?"

"It's not that easy," Zoe put down her hand and looked at him with tear-filled eyes, "I can't look at you without thinking you know about my darkest moments, even if you never speak of them. I'm so ashamed!"

"God seeks your repentance, never your shame. I certainly don't want you to feel shame. Give me time to prove to you that who you used to be is of no importance," he said earnestly, "I love you now, and you in the future. The past is over."

She looked into his eyes and saw no condemnation. How could he be so understanding?

"I believe you," she whispered, and smiled weakly. "I think we need to find out what they did to me, with me, during those missing days. If you can bear what you'll find in there, my mind is yours."

He took both her hands in his and continued to gaze into her eyes. She felt him touch her mind, then gently slip inside. He filled her with peace and she smiled. He was always so kind.

She could feel him poking around, and suddenly she looked startled and said, "Wait!"

"What is it," he asked inside her head, concern showing on his face.

"I want to tell you something before you find it and wonder why I did it," she hurried to explain, "when everything was so confusing I built a room and put all the visions of you, all the confusing emotions, and more than a few daydreams into it. I put a lock on the door, thinking I could think more clearly without all of that messing with me. So when you find that room, it was just something I tried to feel more in control, not because I didn't love the images as much as you did."

"I understand. I'll leave the room alone, unless I can't find anything anywhere else. It's your prerogative how you deal with your fore-knowledge of us."

"But I don't want to leave it there!" she exclaimed quickly, "I want to open the room and examine every bit of it, with you," she paused, "after this other is finished."

His feelings in her mind were so warm, so loving, she never wanted him to leave. He continued to poke around, pulling up memories from her childhood, some making her smile, others not so pleasant. He bumped into some dark times in her life, quickly moving on. He touched the memories of Chris, and she flinched. He moved on, again sending her waves of peace.

This unbelievable, and at times almost unbearable, intimacy lasted for close to an hour before she felt him sigh an "Aha".

"What did you find?" she asked, trying to see past the fog he had been pouring through for several minutes.

"They have someone with more power than I've ever encountered to have hidden these memories so deep from you," he said in his physical voice.

She opened her eyes and saw a worried expression on his face.

"Can you get to them, read them?" she asked.

"Not quite," he answered, but somehow she knew there was more to it.

"There's something you can do, I can tell, you just don't want to do it."

"Sometimes I think you are the mind reader," he smiled at her, but the smile turned sad.

"So what is it we have to do to get at those memories?" she pushed.

"I think they drugged you to lower your natural defenses to mind probing, then they sublimated your memories," he explained, pausing, "And I'm afraid the drugs they used might be very addictive. The enemy has been known to use that technique, getting someone hooked on drugs, to keep them under their control. The worst part is, if we want to get to those memories, we will have to give you more of the drugs."

Zoe felt a wave of shock, and fear, pass through her. Her mother had abused drugs and alcohol, and she knew first-hand how destructive drugs could be. Using an addictive substance on her was like inflicting her worst nightmare on her. She felt violated.

"Wouldn't I be experiencing withdrawal symptoms by now if they had drugged me?" she asked logically.

"I've been flooding your system with serotonin and dopamine to calm you. That would mask the symptoms. We need to take some blood and urine samples right away, so we can identify the drug," he said, standing up. "I'll be right back," and he disappeared.

Drugs! Zoe hated illicit drugs, and now she had them in her body, she was going to start craving them as soon as the effects of Grey's work waned. This was horrible. And Grey had said they would need to give her more drugs to access those missing memories.

Grey popped back into the room. He sat and took her hand. "I have people getting supplies. We'll get the samples and run the tests and know what you were given within the hour. I want you to let me know if you start feeling any symptoms. I can keep the worst of the withdrawal at bay for you."

"Are you sure they used drugs on me?" she asked, hoping he was wrong.

"I am. What I could pull from those deep recesses of your mind looked like drug-induced fusions of reality and fantasy," he answered with compassion.

"Any ideas what they gave me?" she queried.

"I would bet on some kind of hypnotic, and something to remove your inhibitions," he answered, "but the tests will tell us specifically."

He gathered her into his arms before she could ask any more questions. She was on the verge of tears, but his strength helped keep her together.

A knock at the door forced him to let her go. He called, "Come in."

A woman in scrubs walked in. She smiled reassuringly at Zoe as she set down a tray on her dresser. "Come with me," she said as she went toward the bathroom.

Zoe got up and followed her to the bathroom. After giving her that specimen, Zoe laid back in the bed to have her blood drawn. That complete, the nurse left the room with the specimens and Grey once again gathered Zoe into his arms and held her.

"It's going to be all right," he said, rocking her like a child, "We'll get through this."

"I don't want to be an addict, Grey. I saw drugs eat away at my mother until there was nothing left, and I saw them destroy the lives of addicts and their families, over and over."

"It won't be like that for you," he assured her, "Just like I've prevented the withdrawal since you've been back, I can get you through the rest. It won't be like the people you saw on the streets and in the clinics. You weren't given the drugs for very long, just a few days, so you might not even have become dependent yet. Don't worry."

She couldn't help but worry.

*****

Zoe woke up alone in her room. The sun was shining brightly outside her window, but her mood was dark and ominous. She rolled out of bed and started for the hall, but someone knocked just as she got to the door. She opened it.

Travis stood stiff and uncomfortable in the hall.

"You look about how I feel," Zoe said, hesitating, then continuing into the hall. "I guess that means bad news, huh?"

"Grey just asked me to get you and bring you down to the library," he answered noncommittally.

"And you can read him like a book, can't you? You already know what is going to happen. You've seen it, too," she went on as she walked to the stairs. She could hear voices from the library all the way up there.

As she neared the library door, she could tell it was Enrique who was shouting, dropping in and out of Spanish as he did when he was upset. She walked in without trying to figure out what he was upset about, figuring she already had a good idea.

"Did you rest well?" Grey asked as soon as she was framed in the doorway.

"Of course. I always rest well when you help," she said, with more accusation in her voice than she intended.

"I thought it better than worrying," he responded, "I'm sorry I didn't ask you first."

Now she felt bad. "No, I'm not cross at you, I'm just cross. I'm sorry."

Enrique had been quiet so far, but he was pacing and red-faced. Now he burst in, "Don't do it, Zoe. All you could have told them would be what you know about me, and Travis, and they probably knew that already. It's not worth taking the drugs!"

"So my results are back?" she asked as calmly as she could.

"Yes," said Grey, "It seems they needed quite a lot to get whatever it is they wanted from you."

"So what's in me, what are we dealing with?" she asked, dreading the answer.

"Ecstasy, methamphetamine, secanol, versed, and a new designer drug based off of the date rape drug Rohypnal. They are in amounts from insignificant to near-overdose. I'm not sure how you are behaving normally with so much still in you," Grey said with concern.

"I feel ok. I have a headache, but I get those when I sleep during the daytime. I don't feel like I have a bunch of drugs in me," Zoe responded, walking to the sofa and sitting down.

Enrique came immediately to sit beside her. "Don't take any more. We don't need to know what happened. It will only upset you and the drugs aren't safe," he said, grabbing her hand and holding it in both of his.

Zoe couldn't help thinking he might not be so concerned for her well-being if he knew what she was going to have to tell him soon. Instead she squeezed his hands and said, "I do think we need to know what I did or told them during those three days I'm missing. If Grey thinks the way to find that out is to take more of the drugs, then that is what I'll do."

Enrique turned toward Grey and started to say something, but Grey held up his hand and Enrique stopped. Grey said, "We have discussed this all we can. There is no other way to get to those memories. Zoe has stated her desire to continue with the plan, so that is what we will do."

Enrique looked as if he would like to punch Grey, but instead he turned pleading eyes back on Zoe. She squeezed his hand again and stood up, walking in front of the desk Grey stood behind. "When do we get started?" she asked.

Looking directly into her eyes he said gently, "The sooner the better I think."

Zoe felt tears threaten to start and swallowed twice before saying, "Then let's get started."

Sixteen

"All right, the X should be in your system now, so I'm going to start the amphetamine drip. I'll titrate it to the dose needed to free the memories, while monitoring your vital signs. Grey, let us know if the fog lifts, or if you see any untoward reactions," the doctor explained after starting the IV.

"Zoe, are you ready?" Grey asked.

"As ready as I'll ever be to have someone pump drugs in my system while someone else mines my brain for information." Zoe responded, trying to smile.

"We don't have to do this," Grey said, "if you don't want to. We can get by without knowing."

"No. I think it's important to know," Zoe said with conviction.

"Go ahead, doctor. I'm coming in now, Zoe," Grey said, taking her hand. Then in her mind he continued, "as I pull those memories out, you will need to speak what we see. If there is something you want to edit for the others, that's fine. You have control of what they hear."

"Thank you, Grey," she answered in her head, "Have I mentioned I love you?"

"As a matter of fact, you haven't," he continued, to her alone. "I'm really looking forward to hearing that."

"You just did," she said.

"I mean out loud, face-to-face," he responded, sending her an image of a kiss.

Zoe felt herself blush. She hoped the people watching would just think it was a reaction to the drugs she was starting to feel course through her body. She really hated the drug part, but it was comforting to have Grey with her through it.

She saw the fog that had shrouded the memories earlier. She felt Grey prodding at them. For a few minutes she was lost in the fog, seeing nothing, then images started to clarify. She began to speak what she saw.

"Z offered me food and drink. There was so much on the table, but it sickened me even to look at it. He was pushing me to have some wine, but I refused. That's when he had them tie me to the chair and started injecting me with different things."

"You refused his first temptation, Zoe. That shows your strength," Grey said in her mind.

She continued out loud, "When the drugs didn't work right away, they injected more. He started bringing people in front of me, and asking me to read them. Most of them just showed me depravity and violence, but some were clearer. I saw a battle that Travis, Enrique, Francis, and Genevieve were all at. Z was leading his side, but I never saw Grey, so I don't know who was leading your, or rather, our, side. It was very dark, and I couldn't tell where it was. Our side was defeating theirs, it seemed, until Z held up something. Electricity seemed to emanate from it, and it started cutting down angels. I couldn't see what it was."