Let Fate Guide You

An icy hand dug into my heart, all systems failed, my breathing picked up pace like a horse at the derby. My limbs weren't working they had short circuited the only commands getting through were minor quivers and jumpy muscle spasms. I was scared. Terrified! Horrified! Suddenly I didn't want him to leave. What would I do without him? I couldn't function without him telling me what to do. I'd have to relearn how to live on my own.

The hours flew by; I was in a numb trance. I watched him walk out of the door for work like nothing was wrong.

"I love you." Ugh! What an ass hole! Packing went a lot faster and before I knew it I was safely tucked away with my family. Like a baby bird returning to the nest after surviving a hurricane.

I didn't cry, not once. My family theorized that I'd been dying a little inside each day. But in all honesty Lu was ripping me apart; with his words and more often than not with his own hands (literally). But inside it was like he had shredded my heart, each time it would repair itself becoming harder in order to protect itself, eventually I had enough layers to block out any unwanted feelings, I became bitter. I despised myself.

It only been a week since I'd come to live with my sister, that was all it took to realize I was sick, mentally. I opened up, telling my family how I felt about life, about myself, and ended up asking them to help. I knew something had to change, and I hoped it would be for the better.

I had to tell the doctors I was crazy; I recalled the paranoia I suffered whilst outside, anxiety of judgment, and the self-loathing I could never escape. I knew I was crazy. I told the nurse I wanted to constantly kill myself and her, for merely being in my presence I felt she was suffering just by looking at me.

They had locked me in a secure room. With a guard by the door, the window reinforced internally by wires, a bare padded bed, and all the corners had been smoothed into perfect curves. They had me strip down, even relieving me of my stud earrings. I was given a gown with Velcro instead of ties.

I was completely covered yet I felt naked, bare to anyone who walked by my holding cell. The looks of the medical personnel where mixed; hers was disbelieving, his pity, hers angry. No one spoke to me just stared at me through the window and whispered, I couldn't hear them anyways, the added precaution was humiliating.

Once the psychiatric evaluation started it took four doctors to complete. The first entered, I honestly believing he thought I was an attention whore, he asked short/clipped questions and never really looked me in the eyes. He had an air about him that screamed arrogance and indifference.

The second was very kind I ended up feeling nervous around him, maybe he reminded me of the best friend I had, had years previously whom I had been able to talk to about anything. Although I felt more vulnerable towards him I refused to cry. He too overly understood and suggested keeping me for a three day evaluation complete with a medication detox.... That changed my mind, perhaps he had other motives.

The third man scared the shit out of me. He commanded attention he was massive in every definition of the word. Built wide in the muscles department and lacking much fat. He sat in the simple stool across from me (It was brought in by a nurse when a doctor entered and disappeared right behind them. Did they think I was going to off myself with a foot in a half tall pedestal on wheels? I wasn't THAT creative.) I was afraid it was going to break under the sheer girth of his thick thighs. However it was made of sturdier stuff, I wasn't. He was so tender, showing me his suicidal scar grotesquely marring his neck. The flood gates opened while I talked with him. He mentioned antidepressants and an anxiety pill, I wholeheartedly agreed.

By now I was overly drained. Falling asleep with my eyes open was a real threat. The fourth doctor was a god send, she not only sympathized she also cut through my sleepy brain when she said," Your husband sounds like a douche bag, in my personal opinion he should have been a mess on a sheet." I decided I loved her at that moment! What a woman! I felt a spark being rekindled the longer I was in her company. My fire was coming back; I was going to become a fighter again. No matter what.