Let's Go To The Drive In

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Sharing his girl's weird 18th birthday with her and her Mom
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A middle-aged man looks back on a crazy night from his youth.

***

It was the summer of 1978 and I was dating this girl by the name of Janice, driving a beat up VW van and enjoying myself in the brief time I had before college would force me back to the real world.

Janice was a couple of months younger than I was and my fascination with her was purely physical because while I was no genius, Janice was as dumb as a stump and while I was headed to college she was going back to high school to give senior year another try.

We were what some called hippies. although a very mild suburban variety in that our free-spirited nature was ruled by our parents with whom we lived. I had fashionably long hair along with the VW bug which qualified my hippie status in the town of Colonie in upstate New York, since we seemed to be years behind the rest of the world.

Janice qualified as a hippie because she wore a lot of clothes and jewelry with peace symbols on them, rarely wore a bra and didn't shave her armpits. I was fine with all of that and was especially delighted that the breasts that were rarely housed in a harness were huge.

The part of being a hippie that Janice didn't understand was that hippies were supposed to be promiscuous, or at least that was what I had heard. Despite the other signs that led me to think otherwise, Janice was a virgin or at least that was what she claimed.

We did everything else a couple could do except have intercourse, and to be honest I had become rather obsessed with that. It was probably the only reason I kept going with her - the carrot at the end of the string.

Janice's 18th birthday was what I thought would be the perfect night to take her virginity, and since the Mohawk Drive-in was having a triple feature of pretty bad movies I thought that would make the perfect place for us to consummate our relationship. I was getting the impression that Janice's defenses were weakening and knew that time was running out for me with her.

"Smokey and the Bandit, Eat My Dust and Grand Theft Auto?" Janice whined when I proposed how we should celebrate her 18th birthday.

"It'll be outta sight!" I declared, either that or "groovy".

I had everything we would need; a couple of 6 packs of Genesee beer in a ratty styrofoam cooler that was seeing its last summer, a joint that I had bummed off a friend and a dozen condoms. Janice knew about everything except the condoms, which were going to be a surprise.

The dozen might have been overkill, but considering how horny I was it seemed like the right amount. Back then I probably jerked off that many times in a day anyway so better safe than sorry was my philosophy.

Besides, they wouldn't go to waste because they were vacuum wrapped. Good thing too because I was no sex machine, having had intercourse twice in my life up until then. Both of those events were with the same unfortunate girl who I think only did it with me the second time because she couldn't believe how bad the first time had been. My equipment was fine, mind you, but I had this problem with self-control or lack thereof. Quick on the trigger and not intentionally either.

So Janice had agreed to the date and was even on her porch when I drove up to her house that she shared with her mother. For some reason Janice seemed ashamed of her mother and tried to avoid me being around her so the porch thing was nothing new.

At that age most of us felt that way about our parents from time to time but the few times I had been around Mrs. Lambert she seemed alright. A little wacky maybe, and it also seemed like she tried hard to be cool, but other than that she seemed alright.

Janice and her mother lived alone in that modest little house on Wilkins Avenue since Janice's older brother had moved out and her father had split up with her Mom. Janice claimed that her father dumped her mother because she was too insane for him to take, but I didn't knew anything about that.

So up to Janice's house I drove that Saturday evening, and as I pulled up in front of the place a funny thing happened. Not funny in a ha-ha sense, but as I was about to stop the car it started doing this spastic dance it sometimes did like when it was running out of gas, but I had almost half a tank so that wasn't it.

After jerking and bucking it let out a sigh, pretty much saying "oh fuck it", and died. It wasn't a permanent death because a talented friend would bring it back to life the next day, but for that night at least, my fuck truck was dead.

"Bummer," Janice said as she walked up to me while I looked under the hood, which was what you were supposed to do even if you didn't know anything about cars. "Can you jump it?"

Jump it? I shook my head, happy that there was somebody even less knowledgeable about cars than I was, and as she rattled off a bunch of other lame suggestions I pondered my options.

There I was, standing on the side of the road with a busted down car and a pudgy girlfriend with a dubious complexion who might never put out. I was so pissed off that if it wasn't for those torpedo-like tits swaying free under that tie-dye tank top I would have said fuck it just like the car had.

"What do we do now?" Janice asked. "It's my birthday."

"I know it's your birthday," I said. "I got you a cake."

Indeed I had bought a Friehofer's sheet cake at the store, white cake with chocolate frosting, and while it didn't say 'happy birthday' on it, I did buy a package of little candles too so it wasn't like I didn't care, and when Janice saw it she got all dewy-eyed.

"Forks too," she added when she saw the plastic implements, not bothered by the prospect of eating a cake out of the box with me as we sat inside the VW bug and contemplated what to do next.

"We could hang out in the back," I suggested, so blinded by my raging hormones that I was fine with making out in the back seat in front of her Mom's house until it got dark, at which time I would give her another present besides the peace symbol necklace I had already given her.

That present was 6 and 5/8 inches of throbbing manhood that was already oozing in my pants, and while she was not unfamiliar with my dick (and had even measured in one afternoon up in her room when we had nothing else to do) she had never experienced what I could do with it.

"Oh man," Janice whined. "I want to fucking die. Let's go."

The cause of her dismay was her mother who was walking across the lawn and towards the van, and

while I was more than willing to go like she wanted unless she was going to go out and push it we were stuck.

"Hi Jeremy," Mary Lambert chirped. "Your van shit the bed?"

"Uh, yes Mrs. Lambert," I replied, putting on my best Eddie Haskell imitation for her.

"Guess that spoils your birthday party, huh kids?" she asked as she looked in the back at the cooler and the cake and the blanket already for action. "Where were you headed, the airport?"

"Uh no," I said. "The drive-in."

"Oh? What's playing?" Mrs. Lambert asked, and when I told her the titles of the movies her face lit up.

"Burt Reynolds is in that Smokey movie isn't he?" Mrs. Lambert asked, and when I confirmed that she declared, "He's a real hunk. And Opie is in those other movies isn't he?"

"Ronny Howard?"

"That's him. before he was in Happy Days he used to play Opie on The Andy Griffith show," Mrs. Lambert informed me. "When I was younger I had a crush on that little bugger. Wouldn't have minded tooting his whistle if you know what I mean."

"I'm outta here," Janice announce as she got out of the van and headed inside. "Gotta go pee."

"Oh well, she's mad at me again," Mrs. Lambert correctly assumed. "I guess I embarrass her sometimes. Just trying to be nice."

"You are," I said, and while I admit that I wasn't prepared for her announcing she wanted to toot Richie Cunningham's whistle, I was getting a kick out of her.

"You know, if you want I could take you two to the drive-in," Mrs. Lambert suggested, and I didn't comprehend that at first, trying to figure out how we would watch movies sitting outside and then wait for her to pick us up because she couldn't actually be suggesting...

"Why not?" I haven't been to the drive-in in ages," she explained. "I just want to watch the movies, and you too could sit in the backseat of the boat and do what kids do."

The "boat" Mrs. Lambert referred to was this Chrysler New Yorker that was about 8 years old, and I had figured out that she had managed to get custody of it along with the kids when her husband divorced her.

It was old but was in beautiful shape even if it was as big as a whale, and when I looked over at the tan battleship I was about to suggest I borrow it for the night until she squashed that idea before I had a chance to hatch it.

"I would let you take it but it's only insured foe me to drive it," she explained. "Otherwise with Janice around my insurance would go sky-high. So what do you think Jeremy? You two can be in the back drinking beer - and you won't have to worry about getting drunk and driving home."

"I don't get drunk," I assured her and that was true. "I only have a couple when I'm going to be driving."

"What's all the rest of the brews for?" she asked as he reached back and lifted the foam lid. "Pour the rest down my little girl's throat?"

"Uhhhh," I replied, wondering how she could read my mind, although Janice never needed help in drinking and would have had no problem in downing six or so while devouring half of the cake in the process.

"Hell, I was born at night, but not last night," Mrs. Lambert snickered. "So what do you say?"

"I'm okay with it," I blurted out, but I was just saying that because I knew Janice would not have any part of it. "But what about..."

"Leave that to me," she said, and with that motioned me to follow her into the house.

Janice and her Mom had a spirited discussion that I could only partially overhear, and while I suspect Mrs. Lambert used some tricks like parental extortion and emotional blackmail, a half hour later we were putting the cooler in the New Yorker.

"Can't believe I'm doing this," Janice muttered as we climbed into the back seat and waited for her Mom to come out. "It's my fucking birthday."

"It will be fun, and I bet you'll remember this night for the rest of your life" I said. "I think your Mom is far out. Hell, my mother would never do anything like this. She even told me she would go the the snack bar and hang out there for a while so we could make out when it got real dark."

"She said that?"

"Yeah," I said, not bothering adding that her Mom also said that after we got back home afterward I was free to take Janice out to my dead van so I could, in her words "really say good night to her".

"What a nightmare this is," Janice said as she rolled her eyes. "Maybe I'll get lucky and this car won't start either. Anyway I am going to get so fucking hammered you won't believe it."

"It's your birthday babe," I declared as I reached over and kissed her, and I got in a little kneading of her jugs before Mrs. Lambert appeared.

"Off to the races," Mrs. Lambert chirped as Janice groaned, but the car started and we were indeed off to the races.

***

I'm not sure how many people have gone to the drive-in like this, with two teenagers in the back seat and a Mom alone in the front. Maybe we looked like a family with Janice and myself being brother and sister when the guy at the booth took our money.

Mrs. Lambert's money to be precise, because while I offered up the money she refused it, declaring it was her treat and was worth it for her to get out of the house for once.

"You were out last night Ma," Janice reminded her. "You didn't get home until 1 either. Mr. Zwink's car needs a muffler."

"The shop teacher?" I mouthed to Janice who rolled her eyes, apparently not pleased that her mother was dating a teacher at our school - a school she she would have to return to next month.

"Hard to figure out who the mother is sometimes, isn't it Jeremy?" Mrs. Lambert asked as she looked back at us in the rear-view mirror while maneuvering the car to the rear of the gigantic lot. "I'm 18 too you know. This is where your father used to park when he took me to the drive-in. He liked to be alone."

"I know the feeling," Janice cattily replied.

"You won't even know I'm here," her Mom said and tilted the mirror to show she wouldn't be watching. "Knock yourselves out."

"On my way," Janice said as she twisted off the cap of a Genny and downed half of it in one gulp.

"Why are they starting the movie now?" Mrs. Lambert asked as the screen lit up despite night being about 15 minutes away at least, and as she reached out to pull in the speaker to hang on the window she opined, "It's like going to a matinee."

"I always say that too!" I agreed while offering Janice's Mom a beer.

"You two belong together," Janice said with a belch that following the downing of her first beer.

"Well, she's right."

"Great minds think alike," Mrs. Lambert said as she stared at the screen, and as we strained to watch Ronny Howard drive like a lunatic I squeezed Janice's thigh and gave her a smile.

"Let's have fun," I mouthed to my date, who shrugged her shoulders and nodded in response.

***

As far as I was concerned, it was fun. By the end of the first movie Janice was even smiling and loosening up although it might have been because she was drinking like a fish. I lit the candles of the cake and her Mom joined me in singing "Happy Birthday To You", and we all laughed when it took Janice multiple tries to blow out the candles.

After the first movie ended Mrs. Lambert went to the snack bar and in her absence I made out with her daughter, and Janice even got into it, which showed how drunk she was getting. The intermission cartoon reminders of how long it was until the next feature started counted down and Smokey and the Bandit was about to start and Mrs. Lambert still wasn't back so while I kept peeking to make sure she wasn't coming I didn't slow down.

We were sweating like pigs in the car and not only because of the heat, and even though Janice was kissing very sloppily she offered no resistance as I groped her jugs while she rubbed my dick through the jeans. It was while I pawed her breasts that I felt like I was being watched so as we wrestled around I glanced back behind me, and to my shock my suspicions were confirmed.

I'd seen it before, people looking into other cars at the drive-in while people did their thing, but I had never caught anybody doing it to me. I didn't say anything to Janice but just broke off our wrestling because I knew that even though she was drunk Janice wouldn't have wanted to know that somebody was observing us feeling each other up, and if she knew who was watching that would have...

"I'm back," Mrs. Lambert announced after she walked around the car and pretended that she was just getting back from the snack bar.

Janice was too blitzed to notice or even care, but I knew and furthermore her Mom knew that I knew. It was that twinkle in her eye when she got in the car, and I found myself looking at Mrs. Lambert in a whole different way. Maybe it was the beer doing the thinking, but either way I couldn't help myself and after her Mom settled into the seat I started messing around with her daughter again.

Janice offered little in the way of protest and soon we were necking up a storm with her mother a few feet away in the front seat. Something about having my hand up under Janice's blouse and kneaded her squishy melons made it even more exciting than usual, knowing that if Mrs. Lambert turned around she would see it all.

Janice's Mom didn't turn around. I knew that because I would periodically sneak a peek up at her so I saw her sitting while she faced forward. I also saw her when she reached over and tilted the mirror back to the proper position, and then adjusted it so that she was looking right at us.

I jumped when I saw what she was doing but I didn't stop and neither did Janice, although not only was she unaware of her Mom watching us but she was not really aware of much at all and soon she stopped responding but was doing a imitation of a rag doll.

"Need a beer," she managed to mumble as I announced I had to use the facilities, and after I told Janice to help herself climbed out of the car and headed to the restrooms behind the snack bar.

"This is fucking insane," I mumbled to the wall above the urinal as I struggled to get my erection out and pointing downward, not an easy task because of the sticky mess the drooling dick made.

The whole night was like a perverted sitcom that I had become a part of. The cast was perfect; my girlfriend Janice was like Adrienne Barbeau from the show "Maude', albeit a slightly chunkier and less attractive version, and her mother Mrs. Lambert looked a little like Florence Henderson from The Brady Bunch, and she was having an affair with the shop teacher from school who was a dead ringer for Tom Bosley who was Richie Cunningham's father on Happy Days.

Then there was me. Who was I? David Cassidy. Why not? I was pissing in a rancid smelling bathroom drilling the back of the urinal with a dick that was like blue steel so I felt free to upgrade myself.

After my peeing finally ended and I rinsed off my hands I took my time going back to the car, and in my head I figured out that the only thing that would make things any weirder would be for me to get back there and see Janice and her Mom eating each other out in the back seat.

During my serpentine walk to the back I let that scenario go through my mind of the last hour or so. Florence Henderson volunteers to chaperone her daughter Adrienne Barbeau and her boyfriend David Cassidy by taking them to the drive-in, and after the three eat cake and drink beer to celebrate Adrienne's 18th birthday, Florence leaves the two kids alone only to sneak back like a pervert and watch them make out, probably because going out with Tom Bosley the night before made her horny.

Who would believe this shit? I didn't and I was there. Eventually I found my way back to the car but only after recasting my role from David Cassidy to his half-brother Shaun Cassidy, and knew that if I ever tried to tell my best friend what had happened he would never believe it.

"The birthday girl is out like a light," her mother told me as I approached the car, and even in the dim light I could see than Janice had slithered into a position that looked anatomically impossible and was not of this world.

"Guess we should get going then," I offered, but Mrs. Lambert wasn't having any of that.

"Hell no. We're here, so why not watch the movie, unless you want to go that is."

"No - uh - we can stay."

"Good. Why don't you get in the front seat Jeremy? That way I won't be alone. Sleeping Beauty won't ever know," Mrs. Lambert declared, so instead of getting in the back I slid into the bench seat up front, and even though the seat was long enough for me to lay down on it felt crowded already.

"Give us a chance to get better acquainted," Mrs. Lambert declared as she swiveled to face me and as she put her arm up on the back to the seat she added, "I opened the windows a bit because it was so stuffy. Figured it was worth a few mosquitoes and besides, I've already got a couple of mosquito bites already. See?"

See? I could see alright. In my absence Mrs. Lambert had taken off her blouse and was wearing only a white tank-top with nothing underneath which made her outline of her breasts very clear. They were small alright and they drooped a bit as well, but they were bigger than mosquito bites and her nipples looked enormous.

"Well?" she asked after realizing that I was apparently content to stare open-mouthed

at her tits all night and added, "I know they aren't what you're used to but..."