Letter From St. Paul

Dear Shoeblossom

In a salute to your "Taped Confessions" I am not going to tell you whether I'm Bree or Vanessa, I'll just let you guess.

A Minnesota Farm Girl

"Hey, Bree, it's Vanessa!"

"Ness! How's it going? That was freakin' weird, yesterday. How much is that bitch going to take?"

"I think I'm going to have to give up on Boomer, Bree. He and Tremaine are in it for the long haul."

"Seriously? But he treats her like a dog. I mean, what wife would put up with that in the long run. I figured he was trying to drive her away."

"Oh, me too. I mean, yesterday, when he made her go out in the snow naked, and you and I and Peaches had that snowball fight, hitting her with all that ice--"

"That was hilarious, how Boomer made Tremmi stand in the middle of our snowball battle, but so weird."

"She is his slave, all right, and she took the snowballs without like a murmur, and I know they hurt. You have wicked aim, Bree."

" Yeah, I got her right in her tit. I think, Ness, that I have a resentment 'cause her boobs are so much better than mine."

"Yeah, I noticed that you kept aiming at them, you jealous bitch."

"Right, and then she was crying, and then Boomer took her by the ear into the garage, and I think he was whipping her in there. I wonder, do you want to go out with a guy like that?"

"I want to marry his ass, Bree. But I finally figured it out, this is a kick of theirs."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I peeked in the garage right before we went in for hot chocolate, and Tremaine was sucking Boomer off, and then he pops out of her mouth and spooges on her face."

"Yeah, guys love to do that. It's porn-ish."

"Right, and we pretend we like it, but he goes in the house, and she's naked, kneeling on the garage floor, frigging herself with a fucking wrench, Bree."

"Really? But didn't she come in to serve us the hot chocolate? I remember you accidentally-on-purpose spilled yours on her bare tits."

"That was after. And that turned her on, too. Last year when I met Boomer, he was a lighting technician for that play "It's Raining Kisses"

"Right, and you were a makeup artist."

"Right. And Tremaine was one of the actresses. She gets a lot of theater in this area. She really is beautiful."

"Yeah, I know, I hate her."

"And you show it! But you could lose some weight Bree."

"Now I'm really going to kick Tremaine's ass when I see her, since I can't kick yours."

" 'Member the camping trip? Tremaine didn't get enough kindling, so I cut that sapling and just tore into that gorgeous ass of hers? And she licked my twat. The first time I've ever had that happen."

"Well, anyway. Boomer and Tremaine were married--are married, but he's so cute, and I began fucking him, and at first I thought we were hush-hush, but then one night we're doing it in his bed."

"You told me about this. You thought Tremaine was out."

"Right, and then I realize she's watching us from the closet! And when Boomer realized I knew that, he calls Tremaine out into the bedroom."

"And you panicked, but then you realized--"

"Right. She's as naked as we are, and her head is hanging, and Boomer is telling her what a scumbag piece of shit she is, and asking her if she realizes how much hotter I am.

"Which is bullshit, Vanessa."

"Fuck you too, but of course you're right. And then, we started fucking in front of her all the time, after shows, whatever."

"And then you told me that she actually asked you to spank her."

"Just to keep her ego in check, and I began peeing on her, and all that shit. And then I invited you guys over to help me 'manage' her."

"I remember how grossed out I was at first, seeing this naked chick on her knees in front of us, and it was so weird when you ordered her to lick my toes."

"But you caught on fast, Bree. You started whipping her tits with a belt."

"I guess I have a lot of complexes about my mosquito bites."

"Your tits aren't that small."

"Not only are they small, but they SAG. Tremaine's don't at all."

"That's true, no matter how much I whip them and hang weights from them, they are 36 C's that ignore gravity."

"Right. Do you still make her wear that remote dildo that you make buzz with the control thingie?"

"No, but I attached a pager to her clit, and I call it all the time."

"She is one freak, your boyfriend's wife."

"Well, it's given us all some like, interesting experiences.

"Yeah, it's been an interesting year. But what, Boomer isn't sick of her? This isn't just his abusive way of--"

"Nope. I mean I know asshole guys, I am a shit magnet, I haven't gotten child support from Daniel in three years, and I generally go out with whatever loser I meet at traffic school."

"Welcome to the club, me too. I think my last nightmare was that drug dealer guy who sold my furniture."

"Yes. But Boomer's a great guy. I think Tremaine wants him to treat her like this. I asked him point blank last night if he was ever going to leave her--we had tied her wrists to a stake in the basement and took turns with the bullwhip."

"So freakin' weird."

"And she's down there, shivering, and crying, and you know, frigging herself more. And Boomer looks astonished when I ask him about his exit date."

"Wow. He had no idea you had plans for you two."

"That's right. He says he and Tremaine have a happy marriage."

"You could have fooled me. He threatened to touch her nips with a hot iron last week, didn't he?"

"Right, she got so freaked that she peed on the kitchen floor, and he made her lick it up. But that's her thing. Boomer says Tremaine actually got him into this crap years ago."

"Really? He does seem like a gentle guy most of the time."

"This is her thing. And so in a way, she's on top in this weird relationship."

"No, you are, you're always kicking her ass."

"But Bree, Tremaine calls the shots. Ain't that a bitch?"