Life as a Bogan

"Is that likely to happen?"

"I think so, Dad chucked him out and told him to come back tomorrow to pick his gear up from the footpath. But I don't think it'll change too much, they're set in their ways, and I can't handle that anymore. Can I move in with you, please? Just until I can find a place of my own."

"Stop looking right now. You can stay here for as long as you like. I need someone to help with expenses since Maccas have cut my hours back."

"Thank you for this. I won't be any bother, what with working and Uni when I start, you'll hardly know that I'm here."

"I will you know. Since he saw your picture, Simon has insisted on inviting himself around whenever he feels like it, and pushing me to hook the two of you up." She looked at him and he at least had the decency to look sheepish.

"Well he can forget about hitting on me, sex is the furtherest thing from my mind right now." The look that passed between them told Miranda that this might not be as easy as she expected.

Simon gave up the spare bed that he used when he stayed over, and spent the night on the sofa. Miranda lay awake for the first hour or so, ready to scream if he made a move. Eventually tiredness took over and she dropped off to sleep.

While she slept things were getting out of hand at Paradise Rd San Souci. At ten o'clock a pizza delivery driver arrived with a thin crust supreme and an expectant smile on his face. "What the fuck, I didn't order a pizza." I told him. "Shazza, did you order a pizza?" I called to her.

"Nah, I don't want one, or a root from him." This was not surprising because, with Bazza not there and the house to ourselves, Shazza and me had been rootin non stop for the past hour.

"Sorry mate, looks like you've made the trip for nothin." That's when things got nasty. He was just about to leave when another pizza guy rocked up, this time with a meat lovers to go with his anticipation.

"What the fuck are you doin here?" The first guy asked him.

"I'm deliverin' a pizza, what's it to you shit for brains?"

"I got here first, so you can fuck off."

"We'll see about that. Dazza, I'm here with your pizza, is Shazza in?"

"She is, but I've just finished tellin Jimmy here that we didn't order any pizzas, and Shazza's not gunna root you for somethin we didn't order. Looks like you both miss out."

"Fuck." Pete, the second guy said.

Before either of them could leave a third delivery guy rocked up. This time with a cheese crust pepperoni pizza. He didn't have a chance to put on his smile. Seeing the other two standing there, pizza in hand and a disappointed look on their faces, was enough to tell him that something was wrong here.

"Fuckin Bazza, just wait until I get my hands on him, I'll wring his scrawny fuckin neck." I said to all three of them, and Shazza who had just arrived in one of my 'Black Sabbath' tee shirts barely covering her pussy, to see what the commotion was about. I thought for a minute that the three guys were about to rush her and give her a fourway, but they all saw the look on my face and decided against it, that and the pick handle that I'd picked up from behind the door that we used to discourage the Jehovah's Witnesses.

Things calmed down, the three pizza guys decided that it was stupid to take the pizzas back, they'd only get thrown out, so they sat on the front veranda and shared them around. Shazza and me had a slice of each pizza, but she still wasn't gunna root them.

Big Johnny came down the road with my car and there was a big box in the back seat that I hoped was my new TV. In the front seat was Bazza, and he didn't look pleased to be there. "I got ya new Teev for you, and I found this prick up the road pissing himself laughin over somethin. He didn't want to get in the car but I persuaded him."

"Come here you fuckin prick." I yelled as I wrenched the door open and dragged him out. "Wot's the meaning of ordering all of these pizzas?"

"Who said I did?"

He had me there, I only assumed that it was him. "Who the fuck else would do something as stupid as this." I turned to the three pizza guys. "How much does this prick owe you?"

"Shazza usually lets us root her, but seein' as how she's not puttin' out tonight, we might just have to root him."

Bazza took off, he wasn't about to be buggered by three pizza guys if he could help it. He didn't get far. For a big guy Johnny Rahuti moved fast. He crash tackled Bazza before he'd gone five metres. "Do you want me to hold him down while you guys do him?" He asked.

"Get the fuck off me you big Maori cunt!" Bazza yelled.

Big Johnny dragged his tracky dacks down. "Fuck that's an ugly lookin freckle, you wouldn't catch me shovin' my cock in that, but be my guest."

I decided around then that it didn't look good having my car sitting in the driveway with a stolen TV in it, so I drove it around the back of the house and shoved the TV in the shed. It was just as well, because things had gone from bad to worse.

Lockie's mates came screaming down the road and dropped him off, seconds before a police car made an appearance, lights flashing and siren wailing. Coxy and his new sheila cop got out. She waited by the car while he walked up to us. "Wot the fuck's goin on here?"

"Nothin' officer." I said in my best suck up to the cops voice.

"Cut the bullshit Dazza, We've had complaints from your neighbours, tellin us that there was an affray happenin' at this address."

"It's nothin Sarge, just a minor mis-understandin' between friends."

"Bull fuckin' shit. Wot do you take me for, stupid?"

I was gunna answer that one, but on second thoughts, decided to keep my mouth shut. "I came home to find these three havin' a fight between them because they all wanted to root Shazza, and she must have the rags on, because she wasn't puttin' out for them. If I hadn't rocked up things would have gotten really nasty."

"What's Big Johnny doin' sittin' on Bazza and lookin' at his bare arse?"

"Don't ask me, I don't know what Johnny's sexual preferences are. As for Bazza, it would seem as if he's responsible for this gathering of pizza guys, he rang them all and placed an order to be sent here. He doesn't live here anymore."

"Had a lover's quarrel have you?"

"Nah, the bastard was hittin' on Randi, and she's gone and left home because of it, so I chucked him out."

"Probably the best thing you've ever done. Johnny, pull his dacks up and let him up. And as for you Bazza, you can piss off, and if I see you hanging' around here I'll run you in for stalkin'."

"Not so fast." The first pizza guy said. "Who's gunna pay for the pizzas?"

"Bazza ordered them, he's responsible for payin' for them." Coxy said.

"Fair go Coxy, I can't afford all of them pizzas. Anyhow, the pizza guys ate them all, with a little help from Bazza and Shazza."

"You ordered them, you pay for them. The fact that you didn't get to eat them is your problem, along with payin' for 'em."

"Dazza, you couldn't lend us the money, could you?"

"Who the fuck do ya think I am, Clive fuckin' Palmer?" (Clive Palmer is a billionaire mining magnate and politician). "I don't get me dole until tomorrow, and until then I'm stone motherless broke."

"How about you Shazza?"

"You've got a nerve askin' me for dough. If I charged you a dollar for every root you've had I'd have to go off the dole."

"Looks like you're up shit creek Bazza. The best I can do is to run you in on a vagrancy charge and lock you up overnight. You can sort it out with the pizza guys in the morning. Come on, I don't want to cuff you but if you make a run for it I will."

"Hey Coxy."

"What?"

"Your new partner, she's got a good set of tits on her. Are you slippin' her a bit on the side?"

"She's got a husband."

"So? That never bothered you before."

"It hasn't stopped me this time either."

"Good for you. I'd hate to think what your missus'd say if she was to find out."

"Wouldn't make any difference, she fucked off a month ago."

"Shit mate, sorry to hear that. If you want any, Shazza'll help out."

"I'm fine for the moment." He walked Bazza to the patrol car and they all drove off.

I dragged the TV out of the shed and Lockie helped set it up for us. We had just finished tuning it in when there was a knock on the front door. It was a couple of cops, but they were not from the local station. "Mister Winters, do you own a grey Holden Commodore?"

"Yes, what of it?"

"We are investigating a robbery that took place a couple of hours ago in which a shipment of colour TV's were stolen. CCTV footage of the area revealed that a Holden Commodore, with the same registration number as yours, was seen in the vicinity of the warehouse where the robbery took place. Do you mind if we come in and ask a few questions, there seems to be a large contingent of neighbours taking an interest in proceedings."

"I don't give a shit about those nosey neighbours." I leaned around him so that they could see me, and gave them the finger. "I suppose you can come in."

Shazza, Lockie and Big Johnny were sitting on the sofa watchin' some forensic geek look at a microscope slide and announce the time, place and perp in the murder case that they had been investigating for the last hour.

"Nice TV you've got there, that must have set you back a bit. Unless it just happened to fall off a truck. I don't suppose you have the receipt for it, do you?"

"Nah mate, never hang on to them."

"Pity, because I can almost swear that this is part of the shipment of TV's that were stolen this evening. You couldn't have bought it because this model hasn't been released onto the market yet. Where did you get it?"

"Bought it from a bloke at the pub."

"I don't suppose you know his name, do you?"

"He said his name was Bruce, but who knows, if I was called Bruce I wouldn't advertise that fact, would you?" That was the wrong thing to say. It was around then that I noticed his name badge read 'Sgt Bruce Crompton'.

"If you don't mind me asking, how much did it cost?"

"He said that it would cost me close to a grand, but he'd let me have it for eight. He gave it to me to try out tonight, and to pay him when I get my dole."

"Let me get this straight, someone, who you don't know, sells you a TV set worth close to two thousand for eight hundred, and then is willing to let you take it home to try it out on your promise to pay him when you get your dole. Do I look thick to you? I think that you, the lot of you, had better come down to the station and assist us with our inquiries. Constable, could you call this in, and while you're at it, request a cage car to come and pick this lot up."

Miranda woke to unaccustomed sounds coming from the kitchen. The sounds that usually greeted her in the mornings were those of her father farting his way to the bathroom. She scrambled out of bed, slipped into a pair of shorts and a tee shirt and headed for the source of the sound. It was Simon brewing coffee. "I can't come to Maccas coffee if that's what you were expecting, so you'll have to settle for fresh ground." He placed a cup under the spout and pressed a button. The machine dispensed a cup of coffee that smelt like nothing that she had had before.

"Mmm, this is good." She told him as she sipped. "What else can you do?"

"What do you normally have for breakfast?"

"This." She said, pointing at her cup.

"Come on, a growing girl like you can't live on coffee."

"That's just it, if I have more than this I will be a growing girl, not something that I look forward to."

Melinda rubbed the sleep from her eyes as she arrived in the kitchen. "I hope that you haven't drunk all the coffee." She turned the TV on. The morning news was in full swing.

"Police last night made several arrests in what they believe is one of this country's biggest stolen appliance rings." The video behind the talking head showed police leading three men and a woman into the police station. "No charges have been laid and a police spokesperson said that those taken into custody were assisting them with their investigations."

"Fuck!" Miranda exclaimed.

"What's the problem? "Simon asked.

"Those people," She said, pointing at the TV. "It's my father, mother, brother and Big Johnny, the Maori bloke from across the road. I never thought that my family would get involved in anything like this. They're Bogans but are pretty honest Bogans. I've got to speak with them."

"I'll take you." Simon volunteered his services as a driver.

"I can't ask you to do that, it's my problem."

"You don't have to ask. I'm taking you, end of story. I don't care who or what your family are, they're your family, that's all that matters to me."

"You had better have a crash course in Bogan behaviour before you make any decision like that."

"I'm ready for my first lesson. You can tell me all as we drive."

"My father, Dazza, Daryl, had an accident on a building site just after I was born, he injured his spine. He received Workers Compensation payments for five years until some so-called medical expert declared that he was fit for work and the payments stopped. He might have been fit for work but there was no work for him, a Labourer who had suffered a back injury on the job may just as well have been a leper for all the interest shown by employers. He tried for six months but eventually gave up. He's been on the dole ever since. Mum tried to find work but she had no real experience. She basically went straight from school to a couple of years working for the Colonel serving up chicken and then parenthood, and with two kids before her twentieth birthday she had no chance to get experience. KFC wouldn't take her back because she was over 18 and cost them too much, especially as there was a ready supply of young girls around like she had been, work until they got pregnant and leave. And then we had this friend of theirs, Bazza, Barry, staying with us for years, and I have to tell you now that I could never understand the relationship between them, it was almost as if he was Mum's other husband, although I don't think that even Mum and Dad were actually married. Yesterday Bazza hit on me in a disgusting way and I left home to stay with Melinda. Dad kicked Bazza out of the house, but I told them that I would never return while there was the possibility of him being in the same house. Mum promised that he would not be allowed back."

"Is that all that there is?"

"Yes."

"You've forgotten something, haven't you?"

"What?"

"The pizza guys and your mother, you've forgotten about that."

"Oh, you know about that."

"I work part-time as a Night Manager of one of the local pizza takeaways, and I've heard all about it."

"Oh." Miranda was at a loss for words. "Now I suppose that you think that I'm like my mother and you can get into my pants just as easily as the drivers get into Mum's. Well let . . . "

She got no further. "Stop right there. I know that you're not like your mother, Mel has told me all about you, all about what you have told her about your family. She has also told me that you're nothing like them, that you're still a virgin and want to remain in that condition for as long as possible."

"And you still want to know me?"

"Yes, I still want to get to know you. Miranda, I can't come to calling you Randi, I feel that I know you fairly well already from what Mel has told me, and I want to know more. You are an amazing girl to have gotten into Uni with little help from your family."

"Try no help at all. Mum didn't even know that I had made it to Uni until last night when I told her. They have both signed the necessary paperwork, but neither of them bothered to read it."

"Have you ever thought that if you told her of your achievements that she might respect you more?"

"When you hear the way that they talk about intellectuals you wouldn't say that. Anyone with half a brain is a wanker in their eyes. As far as I'm concerned, in their eyes I've always been punching above my weight, and will eventually end up a loser like them. It hardly registered that there were no 'F's' on my report cards, and it certainly didn't register that I got 'A's' for all subjects. As I was their first, Mum blames me for destroying any chance that she had of a better life, especially after Dad's accident and all of the medical bullshit that he went through as a result of it. They both seemed to give up and accept that they are losers." Miranda tried not to sound bitter about her parents, and the fact that they had given up instead of fighting for a better life.

They arrived at the police station and were led to an interview room where minutes later Shazza was led in. The policewoman sat with her. "Who's this?" Shazza said, pointing to Simon.

"Mum, this is Simon, he's Melinda's brother and he drove me over here as soon as we heard that the police had arrested you."

"Pleased to meet you." Simon held out his hand to her.

Shazza looked at it for a while before deciding that she should shake it. "Likewise I'm sure."

"Mum, what has happened, how come you're in here?"

Shazza looked at the policewoman who didn't move. "Big Johnny arrived back with the car from the job he had last night. He told Dad that he had a present for him to pay for the use of the car. It was a new TV set, still in its box. He said that the guy that hired them gave them each a set as part payment for the work that they did at short notice. A rush job he told them, had to be done last night or they would lose shit loads of money. Big Johnny believed them and your father believed him. These guys," she said, nodding to the policewoman, "have said that they might drop the charges if he can help them with their inquiries. We gotta front the beak this morning, the Solicitor that they put on the case has said that they'll give us bail, so we'll be let go."

"What are the charges?" Simon asked.

"Receiving stolen goods. Big Johnny is also being charged with theft of property, oh and driving unlicensed. He won't get off that one, he's never had a license."

Shazza was led back to the holding cells.

"What am I going to do?" Miranda asked Simon. "I have to find a way to keep them out of gaol."

"You heard your mother, they'll get bail and be out this morning. All we have to do is to make sure that they stay out."

"I can't ask you to get involved in my family problems."

"You don't have to ask, I'm volunteering my services, free of charge."

"I think that this might be a good time for you to learn a little about what you can expect if you persist in getting to know me. It's about time that you learn about life as a Bogan before you walk out of my life for good. Any romantic notion that you might have about saving me from that life will disappear when you are faced with the impossibility of that task. Take me home and let me show you my world." Miranda had decided that it would be less painful for him to cut and run before her attraction to him got stronger.

"Okay, I'm up for it, tell me where to go."

Miranda directed him to her world. They had just turned into Paradise Rd and she pointed out her house to him. He pulled into the driveway behind the family Commodore. They walked over the front veranda and through the front door.

"Don't you lock your front door?" He asked.

"Waste of time, it's broken. Anyway there's nothing worth stealing, not even a TV it appears." She had noticed the space where the TV had once stood. She was unaware that the old, and broken one, had been replaced by the new, and stolen one, that the police had removed as evidence.

"This room has a patina of much use I see." Simon was attempting to lighten the mood by applying the terms used by antique experts on those shows on TV.

"By that you mean that it hasn't been looked after?"

"If you put it that way, yes."