Life Lost and Love Gained Ch. 06

"How is she?" Sam asked as he and Kelsey came to a stop in front of Shawn.

"Sleeping, but Sara's doing pretty good," Shawn answered.

"What about the baby?" Kelsey asked, placing her hands on her own rounded abdomen. Neither of them liked the look of uncertainty that passed over his face. "Shawn?" Kelsey reached out and placed a hand on his arm.

"A girl. Just over five and a half pounds," Shawn said finally.

"Is she going to be okay?" Sam wanted to know.

"They don't know yet, the doctors are running tests to see how developed her lungs are and other stuff that I have no idea what they're called," Shawn answered. Sam handed Shawn a cup of coffee and Shawn gave a grateful smile; he was exhausted but he knew he wouldn't be able to rest until he knew everything.

"Have you called Joyce?" Kelsey asked.

"I tried her cell phone but Ben must have shut it off when Joyce filed for divorce," Shawn said wearily.

"You should rest," Kelsey told him.

"Not until the doctors know something," Shawn argued.

"You won't do anyone any good if you're exhausted," Sam pointed out. He glanced at Kelsey. "You both should go back to our place until Sara wakes up. I'll call you when the doctor knows anything about the baby," Sam added. Shawn looked at Sam uncertainly but nodded and led Kelsey down the hall and out the door of the hospital.

~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sara?" Sam asked, looking up from his book when he noticed Sara's eyes fluttering open.

"What are you doing here?" Sara asked groggily.

"I sent Shawn and Kelsey back to my place to get some rest," Sam answered. "How are you feeling?" Sam wanted to know.

"Like I was torn in half," Sara answered. Sam winced and Sara had to laugh. "Has the doctor come back to talk about the baby?" she murmured.

"Not yet. A nurse came out and said things were looking good but that they're still running tests," Sam said carefully. Sara nodded and looked away. "Are you alright?" Sam asked, his eyes sweeping over her in concern.

"I don't know what to do," Sara whispered.

"What do you mean?" Sam asked.

"I don't know what I'm going to do if she's okay or if she isn't okay. I don't know what I want and I don't know what Shawn wants," Sara murmured.

"What do you mean by you don't know what Shawn wants?" Sam inquired, hating to see her in the pain she was in.

"I know he cares about me, and I know he cares about the baby, but sometimes I think he's only here because of the baby," Sara whispered. Sam gave her a gentle hug and kissed her cheek.

"Don't worry about Shawn, he'll be here for you," Sam told Sara. Sara looked at Sam and sighed.

"I don't know if I want to keep her," Sara admitted, her eyes filled with tears of shame. Sam gave her another hug.

"Take it one step at a time," he advised. Sara and Sam looked up as a doctor and a nurse walked into the room.

"Miss Levine, my name is Doctor Parker; I'm the head pediatrician for the NICU," he began. Sara swallowed hard as a million thoughts ran through her mind. "I want to talk to you about your daughter," he added. Sam slipped his hand in Sara's and squeezed it gently.

"How is she?" Sara asked nervously.

"She's going to be just fine. All of her tests came back normal and you'll be able to take her home in just over a week," Doctor Parker answered. Sara's gaze was drawn to movement from behind the doctor and her breath caught in her throat as she saw the nurse push a plastic bassinet forward. The baby squirmed, wrapped in a pink blanket and made small noises of protest. Sam watched the nurse place the tiny, squalling infant into Sara's arms with a smile. Sara glanced up at him helplessly before turning her gaze towards her daughter.

"She's so little," Sara whispered.

"She'll grow," the nurse told her with a chuckle. Sara's eyes locked with Sam's who gave her a warm smile.

"Are you sure she's okay?" Sara asked the doctor.

"Her lungs have developed, and while she is a little small, she looks great," Doctor Parker answered. The baby, sensing Sara's nervousness began to cry and Sam watched as Sara shook off her nerves and calmed the baby down.

"Sam can you ..."

"Call Shawn, yeah, no problem," Sam said easily, slipped from the room and took a deep breath. He had thought walking away from Sara would be easier than this. He loved her, and God knows he tried not to; he tried to think of her as a sister, like he had when David was alive but after the months they had been together made that impossible. Sam shook his head and tossed the thoughts away as he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and phoned home.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Sara looked up and gave a shy smile as Shawn walked into the hospital room and sat down in the chair next to the bed. "How are you?" Shawn asked awkwardly.

"I'm doing okay." Sara hesitated a moment. "We both are. Doctor Parker said that everything looks great and that we can take her home next week," Sara told him. Shawn swallowed hard as he studied the now sleeping infant. Neither of them spoke for several minutes; their minds were consumed with similar thoughts. "Shawn, do you want to be a father?" Sara asked hesitantly.

"Of course I do!" Shawn exclaimed, his eyes widening.

"But do you want to be a father now?" Sara clarified her question and Shawn hesitated.

"What I want now doesn't matter anymore," Shawn said finally.

"If you don't want to be a father now Shawn, you don't have to," Sara told him.

"What do you mean?" Shawn asked.

"I have Sam and Kelsey, I can do this without you," Sara lied.

"I won't do that to you," Shawn said firmly.

"Do you want to be her father? Are you ready for that responsibility?" Sara asked. Before Shawn could answer, a shrill cry broke the silence. He stood up and gingerly lifted her out of her plastic bed and cradled her in his arms gently. The baby stopped crying and her bright blue eyes fixated on Shawn's face. He reached out to stroke her silken cheek and his breath caught in his throat as the baby wrapped her hand around his finger. Shawn looked at Sara and smiled.

"I'm ready for that responsibility. I'm not going anywhere," Shawn told her.

"I'm scared Shawn, what if I can't do this?" Sara whispered. Shawn reached for her hand and squeezed it gently.

"Do you love her?" Shawn asked gently. Sara looked at the little girl they had created and nodded, a soft smile on her face.

"Then you can do this," Shawn told Sara firmly. The baby gurgled in Shawn's arms and he smiled. "God Sara, she's so beautiful," he breathed. Sara gave a shaky laugh and nodded. "We need to name her," Shawn reminded her. Sara nodded again and bit her lip, overwhelmed by the days events. Shawn and Sara looked up as Sam and Kelsey walked into the room.

"Hey," Sara said with a smile.

"You look more confident than you did an hour ago," Sam observed. Sara nodded.

"We just need to come up with a name," Shawn added.

"Whatever you come up with, I'm sure it'll be just as beautiful as that baby is," Sam said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You made it!" Kelsey exclaimed when she saw Sara come down the stairs. Sara nodded, a wide smile on her face. Her chestnut brown, red highlighted hair reached just past her shoulder blades and had been swept into an elegant up-do, leaving a strand of red tinted hair to frame her face; her slim figure was clothed in a pale green dress that fell just under halfway between her thighs and knees and the dress was draped by dark fabric.

"I never thought I'd get here," Sara admitted, giving her friend a hug.

"Sam and I never doubted you'd make it," Kelsey said, wrinkling her nose at the material and color of the graduation robe.

"I hate the robe too, but I only have to wear it for a few more hours," Sara said with a grin. She looked up as Sam made his way over to them. "There's my nephew," she added, her blue-green eyes sparkled as she looked lovingly upon the toddler in Sam's arms. "God when did he get this big?" Sara asked.

"Overnight," Sam answered with a chuckle. He gave Sara a tight hug

"Are you okay?" Sara asked, studying Sam's face carefully. "Do you have your vest?"

"It's in the car and I'm fine," Sam said, shaking his head in amusement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sara took a shaky breath as her name was called; she stood up, smoothed out the gown and walked across the stage to where the dean of education waited with her diploma. She heard her name being called and she looked into the sea of people, smiled when she saw her mother, Sam, Kelsey and David junior. Joyce was holding tightly onto her granddaughter as they cheered Sara on. Sara walked to where she had been told to stand and after a few moments, she heard Shawn's name called. When Shawn joined Sara, he slipped his hand in hers, a nervous smile played on his lips.

"Mommy! Daddy!" Sara and Shawn shared a smile as their daughter freed herself from her grandmother's grasp and run towards them, her brown hair in a ponytail that flew behind her.

"Livvy, you look so pretty in that dress! Did Bubbe pick it out for you?" Sara asked, lifting her daughter into her arms. Livvy nodded before laying her head on her mother's shoulder. Sara giggled as Shawn wrapped his arms around both of them and pulled her and Livvy in for a hug.

"Mommy, who is that?" Livvy asked, pulling her mother out of her thoughts. Sara gasped and exchanged a glance with Shawn.

"Livvy, I need for you to go with Aunt Kelsey and Uncle Sam right now," Sara said gently, setting the young girl on the ground.

"But mommy, I want to stay here with you and daddy! It's fun with you!" Livvy protested.

"Olivia Katherine Reed, go with Kelsey and Shawn now," Sara repeated. Olivia pouted but turned and ran towards her aunt and uncle.

"What do you want?" Sara asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I heard from your grandmother that you graduated today and I wanted to see for myself how things turned out," Ben said. Sara's eyes were dark, full of anger and resentment.

"Things turned out fine thank you," Sara snapped.

"She's beautiful Sara, how old is she? What's her name?" Ben wanted to know.

"Her name is Olivia and she's five, not that it's any of your business," Sara answered. Ben nodded.

"She's beautiful," Ben said again before turning and walking away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sara?" Shawn asked, walking towards the bedroom they shared. He swallowed hard; she was waiting for him, leaning against the doorway wearing only the opal Star of David necklace her brother had given her for her eighteenth birthday. "Hi," he said slowly, a warm smile spreading across his face.

"We made it," Sara whispered. Shawn nodded and reached for her, words failed them both as he kissed her. Shawn groaned as the phone rang. "Ignore it," Sara whispered as her hands dropped to his belt, fumbled with the buckle. Just as the belt slipped free of the loops, Kelsey's shaky voice recorded onto the answering machine.

"Sara, I know it's late and I'm sorry for calling but I thought you should know that, that Sam collapsed an hour ago. He's in ICU now and it doesn't look good. Please hurry," Kelsey announced before hanging up the phone. Sara's face paled and Shawn sighed.

"Go to them," Shawn told Sara.

"Are you sure?" Sara asked softly.

"Kelsey will need you," Shawn said. Sara wrapped her arms around Shawn's neck and hugged him tight before she turned to the closet, grabbed a pair of jeans and a sweater and pulled them on.

"Kelsey!" Sara exclaimed as she hurried into the waiting room. "How bad is it?" Sara wanted to know.

"It's bad. Only a transplant will save Sam now," Kelsey answered.