Life Raft

"Did your girlfriends actually believe that?"

"Well, yeah. As far as I could tell."

"Well, speaking as a guy who hangs around with other guys, there may be a few like that out there, but they're in the vast minority. It's completely unfair, granted, but most guys want to date sluts and marry virgins."

"So is that what you want?"

That question would have been better phrased in the past tense. "I suppose it's in my nature too, but to me being human means having the willpower to choose when to give in to my baser urges."

"Well, these guys had no such willpower that I could see, because they started taking turns bragging about the biggest sluts they'd ever been with. They hadn't mentioned names before, but they did now, and I knew most of the girls. I figured Kevin would name one of his many hookups, but when his turn came he named me."

"What? You guys never even did it."

"Yeah, but he told them we had. He said I was an 'ugly cunt' for sure, but that I would let a guy do whatever he wanted. He said I was one of the only girls that let him do it without a condom. Then he told them I loved to take it up the butt, then lick it off."

At that point, she got so choked up that she had to stop.

"Oh Jessica, I'm so sorry." I held her for a couple of minutes in silence, sensing that she wanted to say more about it, but needed a chance to gather herself. Finally, she was ready and went on.

"I'd heard enough at that point and I came around the end of the stack to confront him. I said it wasn't nice to lie about people and that as a matter of fact, I was still a virgin. He looked stricken for a moment, but he had too much pride to admit to lying about me to his friends. Instead he laughed and said, 'Yeah right. A virgin? Maybe in your left ear.'

"The other guys laughed at that too. If any of them believed me, they sure weren't willing to say so, but then it got a lot worse. I hadn't realized it because his back was to me, but one of the guys at the table was Randi's new boyfriend, Brandon. He looked at me, then turned back to Kevin and said, "Brother, you don't know how right you are. Her own roommate told me that Jessica worked in Vegas for a year as a hooker to get the money to come to school here.

"They all laughed, like Brandon was kidding, but then he said 'I'm not shittin' you, guys. Randi showed me a copy of the arrest record.'

"I was totally speechless at that point, but another one of the guys looked me up and down like a piece of meat and said, 'Jesus, hooking must have been tough work for a girl who looks like her. She'd be saving for college five bucks at a time!'"

Jessica clutched tighter to me.

"They all about fell out of their chairs laughing and people from all over the library were staring at me. I realized that the guys had been talking so loud that dozens of people must have heard what they'd said. I couldn't take it anymore and ran out of the library."

"What a bunch of jerks," I said. "Kevin especially."

"Yeah, I wasn't looking forward to having to sit in the same classroom with him anymore, but after that day, he just disappeared. I never saw him again."

"Hopefully because he was so ashamed of what he'd done to you. Randi seems like a real piece of work too."

"Yeah, I confronted her about what Brandon had said. She got upset because he wasn't supposed to blab about who showed the fake arrest record to him, but she flat out told me that she was going to post copies of it everywhere. She dared me to do anything about it."

"She's brazen," I said. "I'll give her that."

"Yeah, I moved out that weekend, but within days, the fake arrest record with my Photoshopped mug shots started to show up on social media all over the place. Randi must have spent some time on it because it looked quite official.

"After that, people around campus would give me strange looks, like I was indeed a prostitute. Guys I'd never met would walk up to me and seriously offer me money for sex. The frat guys nicknamed me 'Five' because of the 'five bucks' comment and it stuck. I pretty much withdrew into volleyball and my studies at that point and swore off the idea of ever dating again."

"That must have been hellish. I can completely understand why you got upset at me."

"I appreciate your understanding, Sean, but again, it wasn't your fault." She took a deep breath, then continued.

"But enough of that. Moving on to the here and now, I couldn't help noticing something about what happened when I, um, handled you."

"You mean about what didn't happen?"

"Yeah, I'm not exactly experienced, but since you say you're not gay, I am kind of wondering. You didn't get, um, hard at all. Is it me?"

"Jessica, it's most emphatically not you, it's me. I'm really sorry if it's seemed like I was leading you on, but the fact of the matter is that I'm profoundly impotent."

She slid her lotion-slicked body off of me and I expected her to go huddle in the stern, as far from me as she could get. There's just something that most people find instinctively icky about the idea of a man who can't get it up. Instead, and to my complete shock, she reached down and took my limp member in her hand.

That was the last thing I'd have expected, but I immediately understood her gesture. She was emphatically showing her acceptance of me as a person, despite my disability. It was probably the kindest thing a woman had ever done for me.

"Is it something you can discuss?" she asked in a low, calm voice.

I nodded. Unaccountably, I found myself willing to tell her about what had happened. "I haven't always been this way," I began, "but sex and I have had a strange relationship."

Her eyebrows went up. "How so?"

"Well, I was a complete nerd in high school, preferring to read books about sex than to risk asking a girl for a date."

"I doubt you were alone there. What kind of books?"

"Huh?"

"Well, even knowing you for as short a time as I have, I'd guess they weren't just porn."

"Well, some of them were of course, but you're right. I became something of an expert on the Masters and Johnson book, then the Kinsey Studies. Then I really got in to the Tantric stuff and I taught myself how to control and channel my sexual energy."

"Which means?"

"Well, I got to where I was in tune with my state of arousal and had really good control of it. Basically, I could maintain an erection almost indefinitely and consciously decide when to allow myself to climax. I hoped I'd be able to really satisfy a woman someday."

"Those sound like good skills to have."

I shrugged. "I was painfully shy, so I didn't get a chance to use them until early in my senior year of college. That's when I met Amanda. I was at a Saturday night party that a roommate of mine dragged me to. I thought she was really cute, but it took all the courage I could muster to ask her to dance. I'd never actually danced with a girl before, but fortunately, I'd taught myself from some instructional videos and didn't embarrass myself too badly."

"Let me make sure I've got this right," Jessica said. "You learned how to dance and make love all on your own?"

"Pretty nerdy, huh?"

"Yeah, but it's what I did too."

"You studied Tantra?"

"No," she said with a smile, "but I did learn to dance from videos."

"What a nerd!"

Jessica giggled. I loved that sound.

"Anyway," I continued, "Amanda and I danced together for most of the night. That was like the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me. Then she totally blew me away when she said she wanted to be alone with me. I was aware that this could all be some kind of setup, but by then I didn't particularly care. Having a woman show that kind of interest in me was a completely life-changing deal.

"There was nowhere private at the party, so we went out to my car and drove to a nearby park. I'd hoped my first time would be more romantic, but she was in a hurry and I wasn't about to turn her down. We did it right there on the passenger seat.

"I managed to make a good enough impression that over the next month she visited my apartment every few days. Then it became every night and we moved in together.

"It seemed like we had a lot in common as far as our life goals, wanting kids, and a lot of other stuff, but we were different in some other ways. She was from a fairly rich family and liked to do crazy stuff like skydiving and rock climbing, and she even had her private pilot's license. She drove a sports car like she was at Le Mans, but I had read the consumer reviews and bought a used Camry because it was safe and reliable. My thrills tended to be a bit more cerebral, but we still got along well. We got married a week after we graduated, then moved here for my job."

"That actually sounds pretty nice."

"It wasn't perfect, but I figured we were doing pretty well. Then we drove to Pennsylvania to be with her folks in Philly for our first Christmas as a married couple. Amanda was six months pregnant."

"Wow, you guys didn't waste any time."

"We'd actually planned to wait a few years, but stuff happens. Still, we were pretty stoked about becoming parents. Unfortunately, we were stuck on the folding couch in the living room of her folk's house because her older brother and sister were home too with their spouses and kids. Out of desperation, we went out 'shopping' one night with the intention of getting a motel room for a quickie. Then I had the bright idea that we should revisit the place where we did it the first time.

"Amanda said she was scared because the park was in a pretty sketchy neighborhood, but I managed to talk her into it. Then, when we were almost done, some freak yanked the passenger door open, pointed a gun at us, and told us not to move.

"The guy seemed to be all business at first, demanding our wallets and phones. I was able to hand him our stuff, but then it got a little weird. He said he wanted to watch us finish up."

"Oh shit," Jessica murmured tensely, as if she were there and seeing it for herself.

"Well, he was the one with the gun and he looked dead serious about it, so Amanda started to move on me again. I was still hard enough that we were actually doing it, but I figured I'd fake coming and we'd get rid of him. But then he dropped his pants and demanded that Amanda jerk him off at the same time. Worse, I'd insisted that Amanda get topless for me so I could play with her breasts. He was squeezing them while he held the gun on her."

I came to a stop for a long moment, then went on. "Jessica, I never even told the police this next part. It was too horrible and what I did was so wrong." Somehow, having Jessica there with me, the two of us naked and totally exposed to each other, made me feel like it was something I might actually talk about. Jessica's willingness to tell the brutal truth about what had happened to her made me want to be just as honest.

"Sean, I'll keep it completely confidential if it's something you're willing to talk about."

I nodded, then went on. "Amanda was obviously scared, I'm sure as much for me and our baby as herself. I was scared to death for them too, but in some ugly, perverted way, I also found the situation highly erotic and I actually felt myself approaching climax. Amanda knew my signals well enough and faked an orgasm as I came.

"That put the thug over the top as well and he ejaculated all over her skirt. As soon as I came, I was ashamed of myself, but I figured the punk had gotten his loot and his thrills, so that would be the end of it. Instead, he took one step back and shot each of us in the head with his 9mm."

"Oh my God!" Jessica exclaimed.

"Amanda was killed instantly, but mine was a glancing shot that just creased my skull and knocked me unconscious. He apparently emptied his gun into us at that point. He hit her six more times, but I was somewhat protected by the fact that she was lying on top of me. It was dark and he was wearing a mask, so he was never caught.

"One of the bullets lodged in my lower spine. After what had happened, I didn't particularly care. I thought being paralyzed wouldn't be nearly enough punishment for what I'd done. Still, the surgeons went in the next afternoon and removed the bullet. That relieved the pressure on my spinal cord, and while I was left impotent, it returned the full use of my legs. The bullet, though, it..."

I'd felt it building, but now the guilt and pain washed over me in an unstoppable wave and for long moments, I wasn't able to speak. Jessica instinctively scooted up and held my head to her chest. I was grateful that she didn't try and tell me that it was okay, or that it hadn't been my fault. Still, I had to get that one, last horrible thing out there in the open.

"That bullet," I eventually managed to say, "had been slowed down just enough not to paralyze me for good." I willed myself to keep going. "It was because it went through Amanda... and our baby girl. I'm the one that should have died, not them. I... I shot my wad because I thought it was so hot having some pervert have fun with Amanda while I fucked her. Jesus, how is it fair that they died and I lived?"

Jessica held me until I got myself back under control. "I'm sorry I just laid that on you," I murmured at last. "With everything that's happened to you today, it was the last thing you needed."

"No Sean, I don't think you could have done me any greater honor than to have trusted me enough to let me be the one to hear it." We stayed still like that for another minute or two.

"When I woke in the hospital afterward," I finally continued, "I didn't remember anything of what happened after we left the house. Amanda's father came to see me the next day in my hospital room. He's a psychiatrist and he helped step me through it little by little until I was finally able to put the story together and regain those memories."

"Her father, huh?"

"Yeah, he was a big help."

"I'm sure he loved his daughter very much."

"Of course he did." I was starting to wonder where Jessica was going with this.

"Look, Sean, was Amanda's dad concerned about her risky behavior?"

"Well, I suppose any father would worry for the safety of his child."

"But it sounds to me like Amanda really liked to live life on the edge. I'm guessing she had thrill issues."

Now I saw where Jessica was going -- and I didn't like it.

"Then there's you, Sean. It didn't take me long to figure out that you're a very sober, thoughtful, polite and cautious kind of guy. You've always been that way, not just since the shooting, right?"

"I suppose, but if you're saying that I--"

"I'm saying that a guy who chose a Camry to drive in college, was a virgin until his senior year, and carries a first aid kit on a tubing trip is not a major risk taker. Even your choice in sports -- swimming -- tells me a lot about your risk-averse attitude toward life."

She could see the hurt look on my face, but it was true.

"Sean, all that may sound like a put down, but it's not. I'm the same way and I think being sober and cautious has a whole lot to recommend it. It's not that you're scared of risky activities, it's that you don't feel the need to do them."

"That's all very nice, Jessica, and I suppose it's true as far as it goes, but you're obviously going somewhere with this."

She nodded. "Yeah, I think the story you just told me is total bullshit."

"What?"

"Sean, I don't doubt that you actually believe things went down like that, but there's no way in hell you would have taken your pregnant wife into such a dangerous situation. You're just not that kind of man."

"What, you're suddenly an expert on what I would do? I was there. What makes you think you know better than I do what really happened?"

I was downright angry now, though not so angry as to pull out of her embrace.

"Look, Sean, do you think I would say something so hurtful to you just for the fun of it?"

I was silent for a good five or ten count. "No," I sighed at last, "you wouldn't intentionally hurt me. No more than I would intentionally hurt you."

"Then please trust me on this. I'm trying to help and I think I know how."

I really didn't want to recall the horror of that night any more than I just had, but still, there was a small part of me that was interested in where this was leading. "Okay, Jessica, just what is it that you have in mind?"

"I want you to tell me the whole story. I need every detail you can remember, clear from the beginning. Close your eyes and try to put yourself back into that evening."

I was torn, but did as she asked.

It was the Saturday before Christmas and we had just finished a casual dinner with Amanda's family. It was still relatively early and she said she wanted to do some Christmas shopping. I thought we'd bought everything already, but Amanda loved to shop. I didn't mind the idea that much actually, because I had a little mischief in mind.

It had been five days since we'd had the opportunity to make love and frankly, I was as horny as hell. I told her so when we got in my car. She smiled patiently, as always, ready to accommodate my desires.

"How about a motel room for an hour or so?" she suggested.

"I was thinking of something a little more exciting," I said. "What do you say we go back to that same spot at the park and recreate our first time?"

"But Sean, we were drunk and what we did that night was crazy. The neighborhood's not good and it certainly hasn't gotten any better in the last year."

"Oh come on, it's not that bad. We'll be quick and we can keep the doors locked."

"Sean, you know how much I like making love with you, but now that the baby is on her way, I don't think it's a wise idea. Let's just get a room."

"Oh come on, hon," I said. "I need a little more excitement. The last five days have been tough on me. Earlier I had to slip into the bathroom with my dildo and-"

"Your what?"

I stopped and opened my eyes, now fully conscious of being back on the raft with Jessica.

"My..." I realized what had just come out of my mouth.

"Sean, I'm going to go way out on a limb here and guess that you don't masturbate with a dildo."

I hardly heard her through the hurricane of utter turmoil in my mind. I closed my eyes tight again as I tried to concentrate and dig down to the truth of what had really happened that night. The pieces of it were there, securely carved in the bedrock of my mind, but they'd been covered in the debris. Now at last, I could see a corner of that truth, but I wasn't sure I could stand the pain of scraping all of the detritus away.

I barely felt it as Jessica's fingers ran soothingly through my hair. I vaguely felt my lower lip brushing against her soft nipple, but my mind was elsewhere.

"Please, Sean. Tell me what you're seeing."

Jessica's soothing voice was a cooling balm on my soul and I felt myself finally able to see what had happened with clarity. The memories had been there for a long time, but I'd been much more comfortable with the idea that it had been my fault than the reality that Amanda had actually done what she'd done.

I dug deep and confronted the truth for the first time.

"You brought your dildo?" I said to Amanda.

"Sure, I knew we wouldn't be able to do it as much as we like if we were stuck on the hide-a-bed."

"Look, we can even spend the night in the motel if you want. Let's call your folks and tell them we'll be back in the morning."