Lightning and Chainsaws

"Hey Charlie. How's things?"

"Could be better Joe. I got a mess to clean up now."

"I like that cat litter idea."

"Cat litter?"

"Yeah. We were wondering why you went and bought ten-twenty pound buckets of cat litter at the grocery store the other day. We didn't think you had a cat. Clever."

"Yeah... well, don't spread that around, okay? I just didn't want the city guys to get all fired up over oil or anti-freeze running down the gutter."

"Boy, remind me to never get you pissed off at me Charlie." The voice came from behind Joe.

Max stepped around Joe in order to shake hands. His grip was strong and his smile was genuine.

"That no good brother of mine still living?"

"Yeah Max. Think he broke his ankle diving from my bedroom window though. He missed the hot tub, thank God. I'd sure hate to have to clean his remains out of that too."

"I'm sure sorry about all this Charlie. I never have understood that skunk. He may be my brother, but I seriously think someone switched him at birth somehow, and made off with my real one."

"Not your fault Max. I know how it is. I never once thought he'd do this with my wife. Matter of fact, I never figured Chris would do this to me either."

They both looked away for a moment and then started grousing around. Joe broke the mood that was starting to hang over me by turning to the work at hand.

"Well, as soon as these TV folks get the hell outta the way we can buck this log up. Max, go get your Jonsered. I'll grab a strap so we can yank it off the trucks."

"Hey Charlie, will it be all right for me to set the trailer up over there in your driveway?"

Jed walked up beside me, clapping my on the shoulder. It felt good to me at that point in time.

"Hey Jed, yeah. Go for it. My place is yours."

"Sorry about... well, you know."

"Jed, you and Betty knew all about what was going on and you kept quiet because you were afraid of what I'd do. I respect that, even though it hurt that you didn't tell me."

"Awe man, what was I supposed to do? Betty was Chris' best friend and you're one of mine. I was hard put to not tell you, but Betty was sure that Chris would shut that affair down before long. She thought that Chris must have had a good reason for doing what she was doing. I was sure you hadn't done a damned thing wrong, but those women get crap in their heads and don't let go at all. I didn't know what to do Charlie. I really didn't"

"It's okay Jed. I forgive you man. You're my friend and I know. I understand why. It's a huge mess now though, ain't it?"

"Yeah. Betty heard all about it from me the other night. I read her the riot act. She's still upset. She called me a bit ago. Seems this whole shebang is all over TV today too. They even got a shot of dumbass jumping out your bedroom window naked."

"Hope someone taped it. Josh caught most of it on his camera but the TV stations probably got a good shot of things too. Be something for the scrap book."

I turned and walked away, wanting to be alone. I saw Mary racing up the street going hell bent and I knew I would need my best talking skills now. I could plainly see just by the way she was driving that she was well past upset.

Screeching to a halt about three feet away from me, she jumped out of her pickup, her new shotgun in hand. Her hair was all crazy and the look in her eyes was something to behold. I never wanted to see her pissed off at me. I heard the distinctive sound of a twelve gauge pump shotgun having a shell jacked into the chamber.

Looking to my left I saw the news reporter and camera man moving back with just a tad of fear on their faces. Just fear? Or maybe more like some anticipation? Were they hoping that Mary would start shooting? It made me wonder about reporters just a bit.

"Mary! Put it down. They're gone. He broke his ankle jumping out the bedroom window and Chris took him to the hospital."

I wasn't certain Chris had done any such thing, but I hoped she had listened to me. She knew Mary well enough to know that Mary could lose her temper easily at times, and when she did she always went way beyond nuts. I hoped I'd be able to calm her down before she did something stupid.

"I'll shoot 'em both. The jackass and the whore are both dead meat when I see them next. God Damn it."

"Mary, calm down. I took care of most of it and no matter what, if you do what you threaten to do, you'll be the one suffering for all this crap. I almost went the way you're headed but a close friend talked me out of it."

"Who talked you out of that?"

"Josh. He told me he kinda likes me and didn't want to see me wasting away in any jail cell for the next ten to twenty. If you keep on in this direction, that's where you'll end up. Do you really think they're worth all that pain and suffering?"

"Charlie... look at what they've been doing. Right under our noses too."

Tears started, and then her arms dropped. I finally felt safe enough to step in and take the shotgun out of her hands. She reluctantly gave it up to me, and I just set it in her pickup. I also removed her keys from the ignition and locked it up, pocketing the keys, just in case. I turned and hugged her to me. We stood there as the crowd and cameras stared.

"Mary, do you want to come on over and talk to this ol' lady?"

We looked over and saw Ol' lady Frasier standing near Chris's crunched down pickup. She held out her hand and Mary stepped forward, crying, and took it in hers. I glanced around for the Judge but didn't see him anywhere. He must have been in court.

"Yeah. I'd like that. Charlie, you coming too?"

"Nah, I got some wood to buck up before nightfall. Best be at it while I got all this help."

Mrs. Frasier looked sharp at me and then nodded her head.

"You be down to my place in an hour or so Charles. I'll be expecting you."

"Yes Ma'am. One hour. I'll be there."

I heard my friends behind me muttering under their breath.

"Oh yeah, hiding behind the skirts like old times."

"Always figures he gets the ol' ladies all upset and needing to talk to him. He gets out of more work that way."

"Hey Charlie... think we can have it sectioned up in an hour? That's a whole lotta tree lying there."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I responded. "I know... but you know as well. When old lady Frasier says be there at such and such a time, you'd better be there. You've all heard it and you've all done it, so back off suckers."

They laughed and turned to cutting the remainder of the landmark into sections.

"Charlie Wilson, you're under arrest."

I turned to see the local police officers standing by their car trying to look important. The news camera was still rolling on us as they began to approach. My friends stopped what they were doing and made ready as if to battle them. I waved them off.

"Arrest for what?"

"Destruction of private property, vandalism, attempted murder, and whatever else we can find went on here. Matter of fact, cutting that tree down without a permit will work too."

"First of all, I have the permit for cutting the tree. Secondly, the tree fell bad, and hitting those two pickups was a total accident. You can't prove else wise. Thirdly, does the Judge know you're down here pestering me? And last, but certainly not least, attempted murder? Don't you realize that if I'd wanted that asshole dead he would have been? What do you take me for anyway? I have some common sense...unlike you two. Go on, git outta here now."

That last comment caused them to look at each other and then quietly turn and walk away. The 'Judge' I brought up is a real Judge and he's kind of a friend, and a neighbor of mine. In spite of everything that had happened lately, he still acted like, and was, a good friend. They didn't want any part of the Judge, since he could and would make their lives miserable for a long, long time.

An hour later found me walking up old lady Frasier's sidewalk. The guys were finishing up cutting the sections and Jed had been kept busy splitting the wood up from each section. Two other buddies of mine had shown up with their pickups and trailers and were busily loading the split wood up to move down to Mrs. Frasier's woodshed. They'd chased me off, telling me I wasn't working for shit and might as well be off to old lady Frasier's.

To be honest, I needed the break, if only to get my head settled a bit. It had been a trying day all the way around. Settling into the large overstuffed and very ancient chair in Mrs. Frasier's living room I saw Mary sitting there calm and quiet. Her eyes were red, but over all she was far better now than just a short time ago. I tossed the keys to her pickup into her lap.

"Figure you've settled down and won't cause me to worry now... right?"

"Yeah... I imagine I won't go hunting anymore now. I will be hunting a lawyer tomorrow though." She forlornly replied.

"Mine said they'd help you if you wanted. It would be easier in some ways since they have lots of information about them both now. Of course, you may want your own lawyer... just an idea, that's all."

"I'll talk to him."

"It's a her. I've been told she's the best around these parts."

"Okay then, I'll go see her. How are you Charlie? It must have hurt something bad to find this out."

"I'll be okay. Probably take some time I imagine. You and me... hurting like this... I guess we can lean on each other time to time. If you want that is... I don't mean anything but talking and stuff, you know."

"That's so you Charlie. You're hurting bad right now too, and instead of worrying about you, you're all worried about me. I suppose we'll talk to each other, but you're right about nothing else going on. I don't think I'll be feeling much like anything else for some time."

I nodded, understanding her feelings exactly.

"How was it watching that old tree smash their trucks flat?"

"It felt great. I'll admit it still bugs me that I had to cut that tree down, but the cause it lent itself to...almost worth it."

"Pete's gonna regret changing his vehicle insurance I'm sure."

"He still owe a lot on it?" I asked only to reinforce my supposition on how much I figured he did still owe on that large pile of scrap metal."

"Thirty one thousand, nine hundred and change. Yeah, it's gonna cost him dearly. Not nearly as much as I'm going to put the screws to him for though."

"You suppose him and Chris will stay together?" I asked, wondering just how much she had fallen for the asshole.

"I don't know what she saw in him, and if I don't miss my guess, as soon as he's out of the hospital he'll take off. This is the second time I've caught him cheating on me and if Chris takes up with him she'll be buying a lot of heartache. She was a damned fool to lose you like this, so maybe she's not as smart as I always figured she was though."

"Well, Pete does have his business... that counts for something."

Mary started to laugh loudly. I must have looked very confused at that point.

"Oh man... it's MY business. Always has been. My names on the title to the land, the business licenses are in my name as are the loans and other legal stuff. He doesn't have jack shit."

"I thought he owned it all and you worked for him?"

"Is that what he told you guys? Probably did, knowing him. It's always been my business. He just worked as the manager. I inherited it from a lonely uncle when he died. Pete never had a thing to do with it turning out like it did either, if the truth be known. It's always been mine, and it's always been my efforts that brought it to what it is now. Pete is the figurehead."

"Oh. Guess you'll end up okay then. Better than me anyway. That's good though. I'm glad that at least one of us will come out ahead in this deal. I suppose then that Chris will be looking for another job?"

"Oh Charlie... you'll be okay too. I know you and I know how the whole damned city feels about you too. You'll do just fine. Trust me. Chris, on the other hand..."

I could hear my soon to be ex-wife's employment future dying on those few words.

Mrs. Frasier walked in just then with cups of coffee.

"So young man... have you talked to the Judge yet?"

"Uh, no Mrs. Frasier. Not really the right time for that. Maybe in a month or two."

"Pardon my French Charles, but BULL SHIT. You go call him up and make an appointment right now. He's tore up a bunch over what's gone on between you and Chris. He's madder than a wet hen at Pete and Chris too. He thinks the world of you, as do I."

"Judge Frasier can't do much about it though Ma'am."

"Why honey, he sure can. You've filed for a divorce from Chris over it all. The Judge will more than likely be the one presiding over it. He'll make sure you don't get railroaded by her or Pete. He owes you that, he told me himself."

"Ma'am, the Judge don't owe me a thing."

"You gave a lot to his family over the years Charles. Giving us the firewood is just the tip of the iceberg and you know it. You've always taken care of me, even when that no account grandson of mine was doing you dirt."

"That's different Mrs. Frasier. It was never about that."

"Young man, Pete Frasier has our name and he may be my grandson, but he's a no account bastard. What he's caused here today will live in the memories of my family for years to come, and not with pride or happiness. You've always been the best friend to him, Max and the rest of us. He, of all people should have known that you'd not take well to his playing around with your wife. We all hoped you wouldn't kill him, even though he most certainly deserves it. That's what makes this so damned hard. We all love you son, even that stupid little man Pete has become... this is just killing us."

"Thank you Mrs. Frasier. It has been rather... difficult."

"Difficult? DIFFICULT?! Damn son, you are a master of understatement. By the way, why aren't you calling me 'Ol' lady Frasier' right now? Isn't that what you call me when I'm not in hearing distance?"

I blushed a deep red. Mary started and looked at her in shock.

"What? You never guessed that I've always known that everyone referred to me as 'Ol' lady Frasier'? Charles, you of all people should know that I know things."

"Yeah, you do ma'am. I'm sorry about..."

"Don't you go apologizing no how young man." She began testily. "I've come to think of it as an honor. Everyone knows who any of you are talking about once you say 'Ol' Lady Frasier' and don't think I don't know that you all have a deep respect for me in spite of what some would say is disrespectful. I kinda like it anyway. After all, I sure ain't no spring chicken anymore."

"Yes Ma'am."

"Now... you go call the Judge. He's expecting it soon. He has some things to say to you, and I've known him for nearly fifty years now and he's always had some damn good advice to those who'll listen."

"Yes Ma'am."

Ever feel like a school boy caught smoking in the boys room, or maybe throwing spitballs in the classroom? That's what Ol' Lady Frasier could do in a few words. She had a way about her. She always respected honesty, and if you were honest about anything you felt, she would always show you the respect of valuing a differing opinion. Her husband, The Judge, was much the same way. They were pillars of the community besides being Pete and Max's grandparents.

"Fine mess we got though. You kicking her out Charles?" Continued Mrs. Frasier.

"Yeah. I served her the divorce papers a bit ago. I think she took Pete to the hospital. Hope so anyway. He broke his ankle."

"HE'S damned lucky if that's all he gets broke. We were afraid you'd break his neck or possibly shoot him. By the way, good job with dropping that tree. Never seen better."

"Uh... thank you."

"I'll bet you're already building a case of 'it was an accident during the standard falling of a tree' aren't you?"

"Uh... yeah." I wasn't sure if I should be talking about any of this with Mrs. Frasier... make that Ol' lady Frasier. "It had more binding in the trunk than I thought at first. That's what made it spin like it did."

'Uh huh. You keep that straight face and tell it as much as you can young man... I've been around, I know you, and I know that there's not a soul around that's a better timber faller than you."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

"That's why the Judge wants to talk to you. He has some real important legal advice for you. I'm thinking he wants to keep you out of his system... you know he thinks the world of you Charles. So do I."

"Thank you Ma'am."

"Oh yeah, nice touch with the cat litter under those trucks too young man. I appreciate that you took pains to make sure oil and anti-freeze didn't go running down the drains."

Blushing, I nodded my head. Mary was staring at me with undisguised awe.

"You planned all of that?" Her question hung in the air as Ol' lady Frasier looked at me and burst out laughing.

"Mary, Mary, Mary, I thought you knew. Charles here planned it all out, every step of the way. Pete breaking his ankle on his wild jump out the bedroom window was probably just pure luck, but everything else was planned down to the second."

"Remind me to never get you pissed off at me Charlie."

"It isn't that big of a deal Mary."

"You could have fallen that tree on Pete while he was in his pickup... why didn't you?"

"Like I told you... they aren't worth either of us going to jail for. They made their bed... so-to-speak and now they get to lie in their damned mess."

"She really loved that truck Charlie."

"Yeah Mary, she did. Evidently more than she loved me."

Mrs. Frasier came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder.

"Guess we all forget how much you had invested in her Charles. I'm so sorry it turned out like this."

"It's all right Mrs. Frasier..."

"What did I just tell you? You can call me Ol' lady Frasier. I like it."

"Okay Mrs.... I mean, Ol' lady Frasier."

I blushed some more at the thought of calling her that name to her face. I wish I had never heard of it that way now. I was lucky she decided to accept it in a respectful tone, in spite of how it sounded.

"I'd better get on up there and help the guys. There's a lot of log to be chopped down into firewood."

"Son, they've already finished. Jed and Max were unloading the last of the final trailer full in my wood shed a bit ago. They're right quick when they want to be. Bet they could use a couple of beers about now though. Maybe you should offer to treat them down at the tavern."

"Good idea Mrs.... ol' lady Frasier. I'll do that."

"Charles, no matter what happens, you're a good man. Ain't none better. You hear me?"

"Yes Ma'am. I hear you."

I gave Mary and Ol' Lady Frasier hugs and headed out.

Those beers tasted pretty good, considering. The guys all joked with me, making me cheer up in spite of the situation. They were good friends of the best kind. Max was certainly not at all like Pete either. What he'd said about someone switching Pete at birth with his real brother hit home. Many times I heard him say I was more like a brother than Pete ever had been. We'd grown up together, so there were years of hearing that now.

I spent the next four nights alone. The old house seemed huge and empty. A friend of a friend had called Josh and told him that Chris was spending time with her parents. Her parents were not happy about the situation at all, but she was their only daughter... and blood is thicker than water. I wasn't surprised.

The Judge called on me at home one night and we talked. He was concerned about my well being, in addition to wanting to tell me some legal things to do and not do.

He didn't want me to end up in jail and I'd come mighty close to just that with the act of dropping that old tree where I had. He'd made some maneuvers on my behalf but he had to tell me the how's and whys so our stories stayed somewhat straight.