Like a Virgin -- But Not

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sdbnnc
sdbnnc
183 Followers

Submission means that everything goes into the Dominant's keeping. I already know the Dominant will guard all that is of value, and help me discard the empty baggage of past failures and disappointments. Each day, in every way, I progress toward the best submission I can offer, knowing that the Dominant supports my efforts, guides my steps and leads me where the lessons I need may be found. It is not easy for me to let go, to stop being independent, in-charge and ego-driven, and in fact I have to keep those aspects of my personality for use in professional and other settings in which submission is not appropriate.

Learning to be able to shed the persona that still has control, still is assertive and still acts independently in order to reveal and revel in my true submissive self is more difficult than I had any way of knowing, and even harder to explain to the Dominant I desire, yearn and strive to serve. Despite the difficulty of that struggle, because selfless, open and willing service and submission is what I crave, I will continue working toward the elusive, impossible goal of serving and submitting fully and completely, for the Dominant I desperately desire, yearn, wish, and love to serve deserves that, my best effort.

The Dominant prunes and trains me into my essential self that exists to serve, and that, like the Dominant it serves, never will be satisfied with less than a full effort to reduce everything to the guiding principle that the Dominant is first, the Dominant is last, the Dominant is the only -- the Dominant is everything in my life! My submission to this Dominant defines me; my service to the Dominant guides how I live my life. The Dominant provides the framework for my understanding of who I am and how I live.

I am not the submissive the Dominant deserves – but I am the submissive the Dominant is training and guiding to become that. I acknowledge my many failures and shortcomings, but I do not dwell on them. That acknowledgement, and the ability to perceive those failings as the stepping-stones bringing me closer to perfecting submission to the Dominant I wish to serve, are gifts of my submission to this Dominant. Before I gained the honor and privilege of the service I now work so hard to offer and improve, I failed seldom and dwelt on those failures interminably. The acceptance of failure, and the benefits it provides, has been a major component of my submissive instruction and learning. It is a skill that I will continue to develop as I am privileged and honored to serve this Dominant or any Dominant to whom I dedicate my submission. Whilst my submission sometimes may fall short of my goals and the Dominant's preferences, I am happy and proud in my service, for even my failures show how far I have progressed, and how I can make my submission better in the future.

Another enhancement of my service and submission to the Dominant comes from the loss of another type of virginity – an emotional virginity untouched by past romantic relationships, despite my former belief that they involved complete and consuming love for my partner. What I had not realized before I met the Dominant was that my past relationships with men always ended badly because they were doomed before they began. As a bookish, smart, overweight, and impatient teenager, then young and older woman, I had not had a great deal experience with men in the past. One of the most consistent traits of my personality is consistency and loyalty. The proof of that is that, although my first relationship only lasted four years – at which time my partner admitted he was gay -- my second lasted 25 years.

I devoted 25 years of my life (from age 23 to 48) to a married man who was 25 years older than me. For most of our relationship, he lived at least 500 miles away from me. He was passive, demanding constant reassurance of my devotion whilst reiterating that he could never love me, and emotionally abusive. Perhaps the secret part of me that needed pain almost as much as it needed the submission I denied it was being fed by the many times he insulted and used me, the ways he made it clear that I was not worthy of him, and the cavalier manner in which he accepted my efforts to make his life better without appreciation or even acknowledgment.

When I finally broke free of that relationship, I lived a life without romantic or even sexual relationships for a few years, but finally became involved with yet another submissive pretending to be a Dominant long enough to get me committed to marry him, and to have me relocate to his town, which was several hundred miles away. I finally escaped that relationship, only to rebound into another version of it – sexual involvement with a man who acted as if he were dominant, but who only wanted the service a submissive could offer, and had nothing dominant within him with which to give that submissive what she needed.

Other than those relationships, my sexual experience had been limited to couple of literal one-night stands I had stumbled into and right back out of, unfulfilled and uninterested in pursuing a relationship with those men.

None of the men with whom I had relationships in the past are Dominants. They had no understanding or even recognition of the submissive I am, although they were happy to accept many of the services provided through the expression of my submissive nature. They provided no Dominance in response to the services I delivered, so the submissive acts I performed were cheapened and became onerous. Those men had nothing to offer my submissive self, and that self, despite being pushed aside and chained deep in my subconscious, demanded to be fed and guided into its fullest possible existence.

When my "virgin" submissive responded to this Dominant's posting, I did not know how many life changes would result from my response to his posting. The things that have unfolded, and continue to reveal themselves, opened the door to a new life of submission and service to this Dominant. On some level, I expected and sought that result. What I had no idea would happen, but was thrilled to realize, was that the choice to answer the posting also gave birth to a love that resonates throughout my being. I not only serve the Dominant, but I love him deeply and unreservedly, in ways I never knew before and never realized existed. In yet another area of my life, the Dominant has taught me things and offered me experiences I never dreamed of having. The Dominant that I am now privileged and honored to serve shows me what love can really be. This Dominant accepts and refines the service and submission my love motivates me to offer. In this, as in so many ways, I am the most fortunate of submissives. I have found the Dominant I was meant to serve, and that I yearn to serve. This Dominant accepts and empowers my submission and love whilst helping me refine and expand both. This Dominant accepts my love and dedication, knowing they provide the foundation for my submission, giving the Dominant a place to express and explore his Dominance. This Dominant has never pretended that this Dominant loves me, nor has this Dominant even held out a hope that such a love will ever come. But my experience has been that talk of love is easy – all the men in my past, at one time or another, offered me the words. This Dominant offers me the opportunity to be truly, wholly and completely who I am – and that feels more like love to me than anything I had experienced before.

The desire to serve and submit is heartfelt and deep. The love I feel for the Dominant powers my submission and service, motivates me to improve and comforts me when the knowledge that I will never be worthy presses down on me, burdening me with remembrance of my shortcomings and failures. The Dominant understands my essential being, and my yearning to serve. The Dominant anticipates my stumbles along the path of submission, and finds ways to use those difficulties to enhance my love and dedication to the Dominant. The Dominant never takes advantage of me, despite my inexperience and failings, but uses both to my advantage, guiding my development into the best submissive I can possibly be, and training me to allow my essential submissive self its fullest and most complete expression. The Dominant's ability to do all these things makes it easy to believe that, as the Dominant says, the relationship between this formerly "virgin" submissive and the Dominant was "just meant to be"!

sdbnnc
sdbnnc
183 Followers
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