Liquid Lumber Daters

He was busy congratulating himself and pocketing lots of money from his best selling magazine 'Focus on Tokus' when the postal inspectors showed up. Bye-bye law license, but in those days they did not have 'sexual offender registries' and his plea deal was not widely publicized. Surprisingly, his career options actually improved, as the video cassette recorder sparked a boom in video porn. He became a virtual front office for the industry: setting up shell corporations, being the official address for the 'custodian of records' that 'proved' that 'all performers are 18 or older' and helping to arrange distribution and billing for the smaller producers. Soon he branched out into being an agent, and represented some of the biggest stars of the so called 'golden age of porn'. He made lots of money, got married to one of his hottest clients, and went straight. They moved to be near his wife's ancestral home in the Shoal Creek suburb near Mobile. Most of the neighbors never realized that when viewed from the air, his house looked like a woman's vagina, not a guitar. They raised three daughters and he achieved his goal of 'keeping them off the pole' but they did have some tattoos he didn't like. He had a good life, but once the daughters were all married, and his wife died, he realized he was very bored, and also very unhappy that he had missed out on the internet porno boom.

He quickly convinced Lurleen and Cornelia that he had just the kind of sleazy industry experience and connections they needed to profit from their show, well beyond the adverting revenue. He told them he could recognize a hit show, and theirs was going to be huge, in more ways than one. They would soon have a plethora of offers for merchandising deals, personal appearance contracts, guest appearances on TV shows, and a dozen other things the girls had never thought of, and he could handle all that for them, for a simple percentage: an agent's fee of 10%. He would also go out and sell advertising for them, for a very reasonable agency commission of 10%, and presented them with a contract for their review.

Lurleen didn't know any lawyers, but her cousin Goobette was married to an enrolled agent before the IRS, and that was of course even better. He quickly blessed off on the deal, and a delighted Rowdy began to work the phones. He gave them an update in a few days and said he had a host of deals set up already: Liquid Lumber Daters branded clothing, dildos, vibrators, and penis enlargement pumps; and a paid subscription newsletter and webpage with the 'insider's perspective' on the show; and he delivered $100K in advance payments and earnest money, taking his 10%. He said after the first episode aired, he would be on the phones 24/7 selling advertising at confiscatory prices and making them all a lot of money.

The girls scheduled a full meeting of the LAFLWVPS (Lower Alabama Frustrated Loving Wives Video Production Society) at Lurleen's house, since her husband had the biggest big screen, but certainly not the biggest dick, to view their 'premiere episode' when it aired, which was conveniently on a Thursday night when all of their husbands were attending a booster club meeting. The episode would appear again on Sunday and then again on Tuesday. As excited as they were, they also felt tremendous pressure to produce the next episode for upload next week. Lurleen decided to really make an effort as hostess, preparing some of her favorite appetizers, which also seemed cleverly appropriate for the occasion: beanie weenies, pigs in a blanket, bratwursts served with two meatballs each, and some penis shaped sugar cookies with cream icing. The girls all made up a plate and sat with bated breath as the previous show, about the adventures of promiscuous gay dog show handlers, rolled its credits. Apparently all the dogs were straight, and the females only came in season twice a year, but the handlers were another story.

Lurleen had written their opening sequence, cribbing from some old Sixty Minutes stories she found on the web. She also narrated, pulling off sounding like a female Morley Safer. The initial Liquid Lumber Daters graphic, plain Gothic text in pink on a black background, with a big stopwatch, held on screen for a few seconds, and then an animated graphic that Cornelia had created and was very proud of began to run. It showed penises, beginning with the smallest one she could find a photo of, a minute little flea, as the narrator begin to describe, in hushed tones like a Sixty Minutes intro, but with a wanking jerk off noise in the background instead of the clock ticking, the biological and cultural significance of the penis throughout history. Every few seconds, another photo would flash on, of a larger and larger penis, as the narration became louder and more animated in explaining that this show was about dicks, real human dicks on real human males. The final photo was the huge penis of the blue whale, which remained onscreen with a boat crewman for size comparison. As they narrator finished up, describing the show's quest for the biggest and best dicks in the world, and the contest that would find and expose them. She had also experimented with subliminal messaging, inserting microsecond flashes of wetter, redder, and more distended female genitalia in between each transition to a new and larger penis picture. Whatever the reason, it was effective, and as the last big whale dick hung nine feet long on screen next to a smiling Japanese whaler for a size comparison just as the narrative ended, two of the women offstage breathlessly said "Oh, my God!"

The scene changed to the very distinguished looking Dr. Hyacintho Cetia, who was in her thirties, dressed in a severe dark blue suit and white blouse with her hair up in tight bun. She was sitting comfortably in a chair across from Lurleen, who was to interview her.

Lurleen tried to sound like Morley Safer asking a thoughtful question. "Dr Cetia, when it comes to penis size, we want you to be our Sergeant Joe Friday! Our viewers want to know. Just give us the facts, ma'am!"

Dr. Cetia smiled, and looked directly at the camera. "The human penis has been the subject of much study and the dissemination, so to speak, of much misinformation. Although there are some small differences with country of origin, racial groups, and climate, most human organs have a mean erect length of less than six inches. The maximum length that I have seen in a credible source is fourteen inches, and there are many examples less than two inches long. But the distribution is basically a Gaussian curve, or bell curve for those of you in Rio Linda, and the vast majority of male organs in the United States are between five and seven inches long."

"Is longer really better, Doctor?"

"Well, that's not my area of expertise, since that is a subjective question. But my personal opinion is that it comes down to a Goldilocks scenario: if it's too short it's not good, and if it's too long that's not good either."

"What about girth?"

"Well we do have statistics on that. The ratio of length to width is very much a clustered distribution, too, but there is no statistically valid research on sexual performance versus penis girth, either on chance of impregnation or on female arousal and orgasm. Again this is not my professional area, but in my opinion, it's the Goldilocks answer again. Too fat or too skinny is not good, but somewhere in the middle is just right!" She smiled beatifically, and Lurleen made a planned segue.

"We did seek out and find an expert who does work in that area. Let me introduce Dr. Crura Glans, M.D., PhD. who is a bored, certified urologist and expert in both the physiology of the penis and sexual physiology in general. Dr. Glans, is there a best size?"

"Well, there is a growing body of evidence, so to speak, that there is a 'golden ratio" of length to girth that proves most satisfying to women partners. There seems to be no statistically valid studies on the chances of impregnation beyond the unsurprising finding that organs less than two inches long are less successful in delivering the semen properly, especially if either the male or the female have a significant 'fat pad' on the pelvis, a situation that is becoming more common in the population."

"So let me ask you, doctor, what's the golden ratio? How would you describe it?"

"Well, the exact numbers won't mean much, but let me describe it in terms your audience can easily identify with. A penis that is really thin may not provide the kind of stimulation most woman need. Thicker is better, up to a point. Too thick can be very painful, but very few penises are too thick."

They then introduced the segment where Cornelia approached a guy at the mall and tried to get him to come, so to speak, on the show. They started out with Lurleen interviewing Cornelia about how it felt to go out and try to get guys to talk about their dicks.

"Cornelia, did you find it hard to get young men to talk to you about their 'packages'?"

"Well, Lurleen, this reporter discovered very quickly that she could tell which men were comfortable with their manhood and which were not. The ones who say something stupid like 'I need to leave it in my pants so it won't knock you over' never actually showed me anything. The ones who looked shy but sort of intrigued turned out the best. Let me show you some tape."

Cornelia had been shockingly good at this, shyly but persistently getting guys at the mall to let her see and then video their cocks for a chance to be on the show. She got them to tell stories of their first erection, their first ejaculation, and recall girls that gave the very best hand jobs or blowjobs. She said she almost never guessed right about size before the actual 'reveal', and said the old wives tales about fingers, feet or noses did not prove good estimators.

Their followed a fast paced and briskly edited segment of videos of the lines for the casting calls, initial interviews, first 'swimsuit competition' parades, and outtakes of some contestants, and their supportive family members, so to speak, that did not make it in to the final round. The penultimate segment was called the Top Three Showoff, wherein the most promising candidates paraded in thin white underwear, then were sprayed with water to reveal even more, and then a final reveal, with a triple video screen close-up with the voting numbers for each contestant superimposed. The audience cheered all three enthusiastically, but finally a winner stood out from the others. Lurleen had actually favored the runner up, a shy black man they called Brett 'Sweetness' Howell, from Montgomery. He seemed very disappointed to lose, but the white guy who won really did have a slightly bigger cock. Lurleen remembered those comments about Goldilocks, because she thought that that 'Sweetness' and his nine-incher was just right. Maybe she could console him after the show.

The audience in Lurleen's living room got very quiet as the final segment was about to air. Unlike their cable viewers, they knew what was going to happen next and who was going to be doing it. But they had not seen it yet - it had been shot on a closed set and no one had seen it before except Lurleen and Richard White, their first contest winner, and Cornelia, who had wielded the camera and done the editing, one of her better efforts. Lurleen had asked their audio guy to disguise her voice for this segment, and he used something call an 'Eventide' to change it all up, making her sound a little bit like Shirley Temple with a southern drawl.

Richard White held up well, lasting long enough to give them plenty of footage but not so long as to make Lurleen's efforts seem tiresome. She talked to him like she did when was bathing her favorite poodle, saying "Oh, you like that!" with a rising voice, or "Yeah, Uh-huh" with a deep voice when she hit on an obviously pleasing rhythm. Richards' completely unscripted gems like "Yeah, Baby!" and "Just like that!" made for some good improvisational dialog. Her Shirley Temple imitation, thanks to her Harmonizer processed voice, sounded very sexy. Cornelia moved the camera around constantly; getting some great angles that showed Richard's twitching cock and Lurleen's bright eyes through the small slits in the brown paper bag, and made her interest and excitement obvious.

As Richard neared the boiling point, Lurleen wanked him faster and faster, and also ran her tongue back and forth outside her mouth, wetting the paper bag from the inside until it tore open, exposing her pink tongue just as he finally let loose. And in one of those serendipitous moments that are all too rare in reality TV, Richard turned out to be a veritable fire hose, covering the brown paper bag with white stuff as Lurleen continued to coo "Oh, let it loose!" Reviewers would later differ on whether or not the girls had done some pre-testing and chosen Richard for his voluminous performance, but they all agreed it made for must see TV. As the credits rolled, Richard's last few shots continued to launch, lit by the studio lights and landing on Lurleen's brown bag covered face, just barely missing her outstretched pink tongue, and a hit show was born.

Bloggers reviewed that first show overnight, and their readers emailed other readers again and again and the wave spread like wildfire. Headlines of the reviews of first show included eye catchers like: "Real Hot Wives of Lower Alabama" and "Paula Dean Cooks Young Cocks", appealing to foodies and hotties. The herky jerky editing style caused some to nickname it the "Blair Dick Project" and that added to the buzz. Numerous gay blogs and websites called the show "Straight Guys for Queer Eyes" giving it a 'two dicks up' and other soaring reviews, and suddenly there was a huge gay audience and buzz. The capper was when a major national star, with her own network, let slip that she watched those new 'shovel ready' channels to support unions and to get ideas, and that Liquid Lumber Daters was the funniest and sexiest thing she had ever seen. It was later surmised that her PR team was trying to message that she really did like dicks, to counter some ugly speculation to the contrary, but whatever the reason she had put the show over the moon, and made it an overnight cult classic. The second show instantly became one of the most anticipated ever. The girls were overjoyed, but felt great pressure to perform, so to speak.

Lurleen had to go right to her office after the screening, to go over the scheduling for the next day's shooting. Rowdy showed up thirty seconds later. "Congratulations, Lurleen, on a great first show. You are not going to believe the reactions you get, and the pressure you will soon be under."

Rowdy was weird, but basically kind and well meaning, it seemed to her.

"I have a few more ideas to talk to you about, but not tonight, you need to relax a bit."

She was grateful for that.

"Sometimes, Lurleen, when a production executive is under a lot of pressure, it can be hard to find ways to relax and relieve the tension. I have seen it many times. But you have to release the tension, sometimes every day, or the stress will really damage you, and lessen your performance. But it's also important to find ways to do it that don't create problems, if you take my meaning."

She didn't, not yet.

"I can also recognize when management personnel are taking a personal interest in the talent, so to speak. And in the modern litigious workplace, we have to be very conscious of direct reporting relationships and potential human relations issues, don't you think?"

Her husband Earl had told her the story about an SEC coach that got in some trouble for riding motorcycles with one of his assistants. She thought there was probably more to the story than that, but she remembered that the fact that the assistant reported in through the coach was the legal issue that eventually led to his downfall. The boys called it some 'multi-million dollar poontang'. Is that what Rowdy was talking about?

"I wanted to let you know that I have your back, so to speak, and think it is in my interest to make sure you can relax and perform creatively at your best. I have hired my own assistant to serve as my liaison to management and make sure I am aware of all the potential opportunities to serve you and earn my commissions and fees. He will be on site here during production, or whenever and wherever you need him, to help you in any he can. I sign his paycheck and he officially reports to me, he is here to do what you need done, if you catch my drift. May I introduce him to you?"

Lurleen was beginning to crack the code here, and it made her apprehensive, but also excited.

"Come in Brett. Lurleen, this is Brett Howell, my new assistant. I thought his unique perspective as a contestant, albeit a runner up, would help him be able to do things for you that someone else might not be able to. I am going to go now, everyone else is already gone. I'll let you guys get acquainted." With that Rowdy turned and exited her office, loudly and obviously locking the door behind him. Lurleen suddenly had an idea, and apparently so did Brett.

"Hello, Brett. I have to tell you I thought you should win!"

"I really wanted to, especially because I would get to film that final scene with you, Miz Lurleen."

She blushed. "Oh, Brett, you don't have to lie to flatter me. I'm just an old lady twice your age that likes to make videos."

Brett moved a little closer, moving smoothly. "I would never lie to you, Miz Lurleen. I have a thing for older white women, I surely do. I almost got in big trouble in junior high because I had a teacher that I had a terrible crush on, and she looked just like you!"

"Why, whatever kind of trouble could a nice young boy like you be, Brett?"

He moved still closer. "I think you should call me Sweetness, Ma'am. I think before very long I'll be calling you sweetness too! I got really excited whenever I was in this teacher's class, and it became really obvious to her, and it made her nervous."

Lurleen looked at the front of Brett's Sweetness, er, uh, pants, and understood the issue. She was not nervous, but she was excited. "Well, Brett. Even if you didn't win the contest, officially, maybe we should do a 'retake' of that last scene here in my office?"

Brett showed her that he was up for that and a lot more, too. Several times. She was now more relaxed than she had been in years, and ready for another tough day of 'shooting', too! She never realized how satisfying it could be lean back in your office chair with your legs up while a young assistant assisted you from under the desk, not that she didn't return the favor, of course.

The next day, she had to hire a receptionist just to field all the calls from radio and TV shows that wanted to book her for an appearance, and the receptionist just forwarded everything to Rowdy. He advised only appearing on the show with the woman on her own network, because that was the most efficient use of her time. But his greatest coup would eventually impress everyone in LA, especially her husband, Earl. Rowdy liked to swing for the fences, and for the fourth show about basketball jock cocks versus football jock cocks, he had managed to book Johnny Mansmell himself as a 'celebrity contestant', swearing Lurleen to total secrecy until the official announcement.

"How did you do that, Rowdy?"

"Well, I know his agent, er, I mean, uh, trusted and uncompensated family friend, from way back, and I convinced him that his post football career as a celebrity could be just as lucrative as his during his playing days. He saw how when another quarterback's girlfriend appeared on TV and got talked up by old lacquer haired Mussed Brentberger, the sportscaster, her career was made and she got a big modeling contact and screen tests. In fact she is more famous than the quarterback now. Then I pointed out to him that Kim Kardashian was only famous basically because she had made a short porn film which she released for free just to get buzz, and it was worth millions and millions to her. So he could see that by appearing on your show, and then maybe 'accidentally' releasing tape of some of girlfriend taking care of him, he could get hundreds of millions of dollars' worth of publicity. He laughed. "Leave it to an Aggie to set a career goal of being the male Kim Kardashian!"