Lisa

I went to Mike Jr.'s graduation last week and spent the evening with his mother and father. I had been a friend of their family for many years and I asked them if they would let me tell Lisa's story. They agreed as long as I changed the names and never told anyone who she really was. I agreed. She is 20 now and doing very well. She and her sister are now at NYU and will graduate in two years.

This story is true and is exactly as it happened. Mike and Janet gave me the details and here they are for you.

Thanks again to angel-love for her editing and support.

You never expect that it could happen to you. This is your child, your precious heritage and your purpose for living. How could this child who embodies all that you believe precious in this world be sick? She was so happy and healthy and full of life. This must be a mistake: someone made a colossal mistake.

"Are you sure Doctor? Can't there be some mistake? How can Lisa be so sick when Lorrie is fine? They're twins for God's sake. There must be some mistake."

I was fighting against the truth with all my being. This was my precious child and I wouldn't let anything be wrong with her. That what my job as her father, I had to protect her against this evil. I tried again.

"Lisa and Lorrie are both fine. You just made a mistake in the testing, isn't that possible? She just has some flu symptoms: fever, tired and just feeling nasty. Some aches and pains, but that's all. Just the flu."

"I'm very sorry Mr. Allen but no, there is no mistake. Lisa has Leukemia. All of her symptoms pointed to it and her blood tests confirmed it. It's the type of cancer most common to children and is called ALL, childhood acute lymphoblastic leukemia. With this disease, the body makes too many white cells and they displace the red cells that she needs to function. These white cells are not very effective at fighting diseases either so she is going to be prone to other infections. But, it is very early in the course of the disease. We have plenty of time to begin treatments and time to find the right one for her. We'll begin immediately with your permission."

I looked to Janet, my wife and Lisa's mother for support. She was sitting there, stunned and speechless. She had tears in her eyes and she was gasping for breath. I immediately stood and went to her. She looked up as I went to my knees to take her in my arms.

"What is he saying Mike? What is he telling us? I can't take this: it's too much for me to take. Please, tell me it's not true. Please."

She broke down in my arms as I held her. I just let her cry as I tried to fight off tears of my own. I had to get a grip on myself and take control. The Doctor made no comment and he let us find our own way back. This was probably all too common to him and it never got any easier for him to do.

Finally, as we struggled to find some way to function I asked, "What do we do first Doctor? Where do we start to save my little girl?"

For the next hour or so we talked with the doctor to make plans to begin treatment and to try to find the best course of action. Janet finally calmed down enough to take part in the discussions and we left later with some degree of calm. We both needed to be at home with our children right now.

As time passed, we began treatments with our Lisa and things seemed to be getting better for a while. They began with combination chemotherapy that made her very sick but seemed to cause the disease to go into remission. She had to continue with the treatments but the frequency was fairly far apart so Lisa could do well for long periods of time. She went to school and was able to participate in her normal activities. We began to have some hope that the disease could be kept in remission while they worked on cures more likely to work. This was our life for the next two years.

It was sometime in the third year that the routine lab tests indicated a return of the high white cell levels and we were told that the disease had begun again to affect Lisa. New treatments were used and none seemed to have any effect. We tried radiation and intrathecal chemotherapy without much success. Things were getting desperate.

We discussed our options with several doctors and we visited a large cancer specialization center in New York to investigate new treatments. One thing that kept coming up was the possibility of a bone marrow transplant. We had considered that before but the disease had been in remission so we had discounted the need. Now it was again time to consider it.

There were two different types of transplant that we could consider: autologus or allogeneic. Autologus was using Lisa's own blood cells, packed and frozen, taken before killing her marrow with radiation, or allogeneic which was using a donor's cells or marrow. All of the doctors recommended allogeneic since the chance of a recurrence of ALL with autologus transplantation was a significant possibility.

Janet and I were sitting in the Doctor's office one afternoon talking about the process of transplantation when I decided to ask some questions. I wanted to know who the best candidate was likely to be. I suggested that I would be willing to be a candidate to spare my daughter Lorrie the pain of the extraction process.

The Doctor had always treated us with respect and as knowledgeable parents and he made no exception this time. He gave us the answers we needed to make a decision.

"Since Lisa is a twin to Lorrie even though they are not identical, it is very possible that Lorrie will be a perfect match for Lisa. Siblings are always the best chance for a successful match. Parents generally are not a match since only half of their DNA is present in the offspring. But, in your case Mike, since you are not her biological father, there was a possibility that you could be a donor. I checked your blood type however and it is not likely that you would qualify."

He continued to talk about possibilities and other matters but all I heard was a roaring in my ears that sounded like a tornado. I had heard the words but they were not possible. I couldn't have heard what I thought I heard, could I? Not her biological father? I couldn't grasp it then. I sat there as the roaring began to subside and his words again began to register on my consciousness.

"... so we need to begin as soon as we can. Can you have Lorrie come in today or tomorrow so we can begin the tissue typing process? Is that OK?"

I looked over at Janet but she was looking straight ahead at the Doctor. Her lips were pressed together and her fists were clenched on her knees and she refused to look at me. She was shaking her head indicating that she would have Lorrie come in. She finally said to the Doctor,

"Yes, that's OK with us. We'll talk to Lorrie and have her come in for the testing. How soon will you know once the tests are over?"

"I should know within a week or less. Most of the HLA results, that's human antigen testing, are quick so we will get a preliminary result within a few days. I'll make the arrangements for the tests so just let me know when you bring Lorrie in."

"That's fine doctor. We'll let you know. Thank you."

Janet rose from her chair and with a look at me, turned to walk out of the office. I sat there for a minute to get myself under control and than looked up at the Doctor. He was watching me intently and as I rose, he said, "You didn't know did you?"

I knew what he meant and I shook my head no. I couldn't look at him just then.

"I'm so very sorry. I assumed that you knew and that the twins were adopted or that you and Janet had married after the twins were born. I should have talked to you separately or at least have been more sensitive. Again, I'm sorry but you can't let it interfere with our treatment plans for Lisa. Are we agreed on that?"

"Absolutely. Lisa comes first. Thanks Doc."

With that I went out to find my wife. My wife of 17 years. My wife whom I trusted with my whole being and who had betrayed me. I had no idea of what I was going to say or do, but I had no choice but to put my daughter first. She may not be mine, biologically, but she was my daughter and I loved her.

Janet was standing in the lobby of the doctor's office waiting for me. She watched me come toward her with a look of fear on her face. I walked past her and headed out the door for the car. I didn't want to talk to her just yet. I had too much information already and I was in overload. I just walked, not caring whether she followed me or not.

I slid into the car and started the engine. Just as I put the car in gear, Janet pulled the door open and slid in. She put her seatbelt on as I pulled away from the parking lot and drove home to our neat little cottage house in a nice part of town. A typical middle class bungalow with a typical middle class yard on a typical middle class street. We had the typical middle class family of three kids and a dog and a cat. I worked five days a week at an 8-4:30 job with an average salary and a mortgage. We had two cars, a Ford for me and a Chrysler minivan for her. And I had a typical middle class wife who had cheated on me at least once 13 years ago. How much more typical could it be?

Janet wisely said nothing during the ride home. I looked straight ahead at the traffic and kept both hands tightly clamped onto the steering wheel. It took 25 uncomfortable minutes to get home and by that time I was numb. I pulled into our drive and just sat in the car as Janet got out and went into the house. I wanted to be alone and I wanted to punch someone. I wanted to scream and rant and rave and generally raise hell, but at the same time, I was so sad that I wanted to cry. The tears came first, followed by the uncontrollable sobbing that made my chest hurt and my throat clench. The agony was incredible, but it finally passed. I sat there exhausted and sick.

I finally pulled myself together and went in to face the family. Janet had started dinner and the two girls were helping her. I went past them in search of our son, Mike Jr. He was 15 now, two years older than the twins and I always thought he favored me, but now I wasn't so sure. Was he even mine? I found him upstairs in his room playing video games. I went in to talk to him about Lisa.

I had always tried to treat Mike as a grownup and we had always discussed his role as protector for his sisters. He took it seriously and I knew that he needed to know the truth. We talked together for some time and he accepted the need for the transplant. He had done some research on his own on line and was certain that this was the best way for her to get better. Mike talked a good game but he was scared for his sisters. There was no hiding that from me and he didn't bother to try. We had a good man-to-man session and I left feeling better.

We spent an uncomfortable evening together: dinner and later with some TV. It was a school night so the kids were all in for the night but I knew that they could sense something not right. They probably assumed it was the upcoming testing that we had discussed with the girls at dinner. Lorrie was fine with it and wanted to start right away. Lisa was becoming more and more tired and it was hard for her just to stay up with the rest of us. Mike was trying to be cool but he worried about Lisa. It was a hard time for all of us, especially me. After spending some time downstairs with us, the girls decided to head up to bed. I hugged both of them goodnight and watched them go hand in hand up the stairs. I was so proud of them. They were mine, regardless of what their mother had done.

By 10:00, the girls were in bed and Mike Jr. had gone up to his room for the evening. He had his own TV and his games so he was content to stay there till bedtime. That left Janet and me alone for the first time that evening. I went into the kitchen for a beer and sat down at the kitchen table. I couldn't stay in the same room with her without becoming angry. But, it was not going to work as Janet came into the kitchen with a determined look on her face.

"We have to talk about this Mike. I have to tell you what happened and I want you to listen to me. You have to let me explain before you go off half cocked."

"Before you even start, tell me this. Is Mike Jr. my son? Are any of our children really mine?"

"Of course Mike Jr. is your son. How can you even ask me that?"

"You're kidding, right? How can I ask you that? I just found out that the girls aren't mine and you wonder how I could ask you about Mike Jr.? What are you, stupid as well as a cheating slut?"

Janet looked as though I had just slapped her across the face. What did she expect? Did she think that I was so dumb that I couldn't figure out what the Doctor had told me? Did she think that she could just say that he was mistaken? It was so funny; I almost laughed out loud.

"We have been married for 17 years and we have three children. I just found out for the first time today that two of our three children aren't mine. You fucked someone else 13 years ago and you want me to think that somehow I shouldn't question you about Mike Jr.?"

"It wasn't like that. You don't understand. It was a mistake and it happened during that time about two years after Mike was born when you and I were not getting along. We were fighting about money and me going back to work and you got so angry all the time and you finally walked out on me. You and I had a fight about something and I was angry and I yelled at you and called you a loser. You were hurt and you packed a bag and left me. You had done it before but you always came home later the same day. This time, you wouldn't even tell me where you went and you wouldn't call me or talk to me and I was going crazy worrying about you. You remember?"

"Yeah, I remember. I was angry and hurt and I went to a motel and locked myself in the room for three days. I was scared to death that we were in trouble. I needed the time to think of what I was going to do to try to save our marriage. But in those three days, you forgot all about our marriage and me, and you went out and fucked some guy. Way to go. You must have really been going crazy worrying about whether I would find out how much of a slut you really were."

"You have to listen! It wasn't like that. I was crazy with worry and Paula and Ted came and got me and took me to their place. They were worried I would do something stupid if I stayed alone. That's where I was."

"I don't care where you were. All I know is that you found time to fuck someone someplace. What else is there?"

"That's not what happened. I'm going to tell you what happened whether you want to hear it or not. I should have told you before this but I hoped I would never have to."

With that, she stood up and began to pace around the kitchen. She would look at me as she talked and then she would consider her words before she continued. The story was as follows.

"I went to their place and Paula and Ted and I talked most of that first night. Paula listened to me and tried to calm me down and I was so exhausted from worrying that I finally fell asleep on the couch. I slept there that night and the next night. On the third day, the day before you finally called me, I was still there but Paula had gone to work. Ted and I were alone and he gave me a beer and we talked. He was being so supportive and I felt safe with him. Before I knew it, I had drunk five or six beers and I was pretty tipsy. Then Ted decided to teach me to drink shooters with a chaser, that's what he called it. We sat there drinking whiskey with beer chasers and I was completely wasted. So wasted that I passed out. Ted picked me up and carried me up to the bedroom and put me down on the bed. I was so drunk that I think I was still asleep as he put me down. I don't really remember much but I woke up once with Ted fucking me."

"He raped me while I was drunk and I wasn't even awake for most of it. When I did wake up, I screamed and tried to push him off of me but he was too strong. He grabbed both of my hands and he held them over my head while he raped me. He continued until he was done and then he rolled off me and laughed. He said I was a good fuck and to call him if I wanted him again. I was still drunk but I remember running to the bathroom and locking myself in. He finally left the room laughing at me and threatening me if I told Paula, and I ran out and drove home. I stayed there and showered three or four times to wash him off of me but I couldn't stop crying. I was miserable and I had no way to find you or talk to you."

Janet finally stopped and I could see the tears and the pain in her face as she finished. She wouldn't look at me and now I began to understand the shame and the humiliation that she had hidden all of these years.

"Why would you have tried to hide that all of these years? Why didn't you tell me this when it happened? Didn't you know when you became pregnant that he was the father? What did you think would happen when I found out?"

"I hoped you would never find out and to be honest, you came home the next day and we made love that night and every night for the next week. I wasn't sure when I got pregnant that you weren't the father. I just prayed that you were and that it would never come up. You have to know that I never cheated on you with anyone else and that I didn't cheat that time. I was raped! So help me God!"

"I do believe you but I wish you had trusted me enough to tell me. I would never have blamed you. You have to know that."

"But I couldn't know that. You had just walked out on me and our marriage was in a mess. We were fighting all the time then. I didn't want anything to interfere with us then. I hoped being pregnant would help us to find our way again. And anyway, Ted and Paula divorced and Ted moved away just a couple of months later, so I never had to face him again."

I searched my heart and I found no reason to doubt Janet's story. There had never been any signs over the last 13 years that Janet was unfaithful and we were as strong together as we had even been. She was a wonderful mother and a great wife and our life together was good. She had made no effort to deny anything and she told me as soon as she knew that I had found out. Janet and I worked on things and we finally got back to the place we were in before that revelation in the Doctor's office. I was so concerned about Lisa that I never thought much about it again. I did have Mike Jr. tested just to be sure right after we talked. You know what they say: trust but verify. I had to do it just to reassure myself that Janet could be trusted.

Lisa is fine now and she and Lorrie just turned 18. They have enrolled in the local Junior College. Their grades were OK but not good enough to get into the schools they wanted. A year or two might give them some advantage later. While I was proud of all my children I was especially proud of Mike Jr. He's in college and is studying to be an electrical engineer. He is smart and he's on the Dean's list. He is my son, after all.