Lisa Ch. 04: Reminded Of Her Place

Jessica struggled to control her tears. "He did?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry ... I thought that you ...sorry," she said quietly.

Jim slid off of Jessica's legs and lay beside her. He pulled her to him, and she buried her face in his chest, crying quietly.

"Jess, you know that there are some things that I can't interfere with, right?" Jim asked into her hair.

He had been sticking up for her a lot more lately, but he sure hoped she did not expect it from him in all cases.

"I tried this time, because I knew that if it had to do with the puppy's life, you were probably very emotional, not thinking of the consequences when you spoke back to Josh and Scott. But we do have rules that you are expected to follow. I can't just ignore them. Besides, the more I interfere, the worse it can be for you. Neither Riley nor Angus appreciate being challenged."

Jessica nodded against his chest.

"Wanna watch T.V?" he asked, glad to have thought of a way distract her.

"Who's going to take care of Baby?" she asked "He's got to be fed every couple of hours."

"Josh was going to do that," Jim said, "but if you want, we can bring her in here tonight. Just don't expect Riley or Angus to on their nights. They've made it clear that it's Josh's responsibility to take care of it."

"Josh's?" Jessica asked, surprised.

"Because he took you out to see it to begin with ..."

Jessica rolled her eyes.

"Hey," Jim said, pointing his finger at her, "it's that kind of stuff that gets you in trouble. Save yourself a lot of grief and stop trying to butt heads with them."

"Butt heads?" Jessica demanded, incredulous. "They scare the crap out of me Jim, I most certainly do not butt heads with them!"

"Yeah right." Jim snickered. "For someone who's so afraid, you sure know how to push all the wrong buttons. It comes across as intentional."

"What am I supposed to do Jim? I can't seem to do anything right enough. No matter what I do, I make them angry."

Jim studied Jessica's face.

She leant back on the bed, looking up at him expectantly. She seemed to sincerely want his help. Here was his chance to coach her on how to behave with Riley and Angus.

But would telling her be a good thing? What if she used it to give herself the opportunity to run away?

He shook his head and sat up. Nothing was going to change if he didn't help her out. It had been how many years? And she still had too much fight left in her.

"It's all in your attitude Jess, you're always in fight mode, and they can sense it."

Jessica sat up beside him.

"It's called self-defense Jimmy. In case you haven't noticed, with the exception of you, most everyone else here is out to get me."

"Funny you should mention that," Jim said bringing his hand to his jaw and rubbing it, "but it seems to me that we spend an awful lot of time defending ourselves to you too."

Jessica gave him an odd look.

"That's not really the same thing ..." she said, and for a second he thought she was going to bring up the kidnapping. He wasn't sure that he was ready for a conversation like that.

"Jess, if you're busy defending yourself, and we're busy defending ourselves, where is there room for anything else?"

"What else is there to do?" Jessica asked, looking perplexed, "It's never ending."

"No it's not," Jim said. "Think about the things the men ask you to do. Do you think that they ask you to kiss them when you enter the room just so they can beat the crap out of you later?"

"It wouldn't surprise me if that were true," Jessica replied. "I'm serious," she added when Jim laughed at her response.

"Oh come on Jess. Do you think you would've ever gotten off the leash ... sorry," he said when a shudder convulsed Jessica's body, "you okay?"

Jessica nodded. "Can we not talk about that?"

"There are other examples Jess. You've been to see the dogs, you've been to see the horses ... things aren't always the same, there has been some change. Do you think that would be the case if they weren't looking for something from you?"

Jessica shrugged. "I know what they're looking for ... power. I think they'd like nothing more than to hook me up to a remote control and dictate my every move ..."

Jim sighed, "You're missing the point entirely."

Something in his tone caught Jessica's attention.

Despite the beating, Jessica still felt a tingle between her legs, and for the first time considered that Jim was someone she wanted to be with.

He had never touched her that way, and she had always appreciated that. But now, it felt like he should be the one getting that close to her. He always stood up for her, always cared about her. In a flash she realized that she loved him.

A change came over Jessica's face and she looked at Jim with such emotion he feared what would come out of her mouth.

"And you?" she asked, "What is it that you want from me?"

Jim shifted uneasily in his place. It seemed that Jessica had no trouble keeping eye contact with him. He felt naked under her stare.

"I want the men to know you like I do." He said quietly.

Something in Jessica expression unsettled him.

The air around them seemed charged, electric.

His eyes were locked with Jessica's and neither one seemed able to withdraw. Neither one of them seemed to want to.

Jim didn't know what to do next, he'd never experienced this before. A prickle of anxiety began to grow inside him. It grew ten fold when he realized where all of this was leading.

Ultimately it was exactly what he wanted, the physical intimacy to match the emotional intimacy they were cultivating, but was Jessica ready? Was he?

"That's what the men want too," he forced himself to say, "they just don't know how to get it. You're going to have to give it to them Jessica."

Jessica stared at him in silence. It seemed like an eternity passed before she spoke again. "I don't know how."

"You have to want it Jess. You have to want to be the person they are looking for."

Jessica laughed and looked away from him. "I'm not that person."

"Not completely, not yet. But you can be." Jim said not sure whether to be upset or relieved that the intensity of the moment before had passed.

"I won't be me anymore," Jessica said, choking back some tears.

Jim took her hand in his and rubbed it.

"It'll still be you, except it'll be you with a different attitude. You have to forget about the past couple of years Jess, like they never happened. You have to love the men with all your heart, really love them. If you truly love them, you'll want to please them, and if you want to please them, it'll be obvious in everything you do and say. It's not something you can pretend Jess, it just has to be."

Jessica sniffed. "Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know how ..."

"It's easy," Jim said crawling around her on the bed, and into her line of vision, "don't take the time to think, just act. For every impulse you have, do the opposite. You want to look away from Riley or Angus when they speak to you, want nothing more than to look at them. Most women find them pretty easy on the eyes. I'm sure you can find something appealing there. When they look angry and mean, don't rest until you find some way to make them look and feel happy and gentle. It's all up to you now Jess. Where you lead, they will follow."

Jessica looked at Jim wondering if there was any way that she could actually do what he suggested. Could it be much worse than the way things were now? She fell against Jim. "I can't promise anything," she said.

"Just do it Jess!" Jim said so suddenly, and so forcefully that Jessica fell back against the mattress. He moved toward her and she was sure that he was soon going to be on top of her, pinning her down, commanding her, the way the others did. But Jim caught himself, surprised by the intensity of the emotion he felt. Things had to get better, for all their sakes.

"I'll try," she mumbled .

Jim wasn't the sort to get so serious, it had to be something he really wanted.

For a moment Jessica saw something in Jim's eyes that made her think he was going to kiss her. She had never seen that look in his eye before, but then just as suddenly as his outburst, it was gone. He sat-up clearing his throat.

"Just think about it okay?" he asked as he got off the bed. He turned to the door and stopped, hands behind his head.

"Okay," Jessica said, and thought about how ironic it was that Jimmy was the one she wouldn't mind touching her, even without the stuff Scott had put on her, and yet he never did, not that way.

She looked at his back. He had tilted his head to the ceiling. He looked upset. "I'll try harder, alright?" she said moving to the side of the bed.

"Alright Jess," he said, not sure he could trust himself to turn around.

He didn't know what was wrong with him, but a few times now he'd had a sudden urge to kiss Jessica, and not the kind of kiss that he normally gave. He was so mad at himself. The one thing he swore he'd never expect from Jessica, he was beginning to want.

"T.V?" he asked while moving to his closet.

"Great," Jessica said, feeling a pang of guilt.

How could she just become another person like that? And she had serious doubts about how much Riley and Angus really cared about her. At least with Scott and Josh she got the sense that she meant something to them.

Suddenly she felt really tired. She lay down on the bed and yawned.

'I'll watch from the chair,' Jim thought to himself as he pulled the twelve inch television set form his closet, 'I can't do anything stupid from there.'

"What do you want to watch?" he asked as he ducked behind his dresser drawer to plug the T.V. in.

"Jess?" he asked when he got no reply.

"Jessica!" he repeated. Turning he found Jessica in asleep.

Jim sighed with relief. He'd avoid embarrassing himself tonight after all.

Putting the T.V. back in the closet, Jimmy turned off the light and crawled onto the bed beside Jessica.

Now in the dark, with Jessica asleep, the desire he'd felt earlier did not return.

It had been that look she'd given him. The intensity. He didn't think he'd be able to resist that again.

Jessica had never sent out signals like that before.

'Shit!' he muttered as he realized what had changed. He'd lied for her.

She probably felt that she owed him something ... Christ.

Jimmy ran his fingers through his hair, and then slid his hand back down to his face. Pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes he pressed as hard as he could and groaned.

What if they'd done it ... if he'd followed his desire. Jessica would have done it thinking that she was paying back a debt. Holy shit! Jimmy pummeled his forehead. He'd regret it forever, but if Jessica looked at him like that again, he wouldn't be able to restrain himself a second time. He should set her straight, make things easier for himself.

But if she thought she owed him something then he had the upper hand. Maybe if she felt indebted to him, she wouldn't fight any more. He'd have to work on his restraint because this could be the ideal opportunity to get Jessica to try and change her behavior.

Jimmy closed his eyes. Sleep was creeping up on him.

He heard whimpering off in the distance. As he awoke he realized the noise was right beside him.

"Jessica!" he said turning toward her and embracing her.

"Shhhh," he whispered in her ear.

Thank God he caught her early ... before the crying and screaming began.

When he was lucky enough to wake up at the whimpering stage, he could often head off Jessica's nightmares. There was nothing he wanted more, than to head off Jessica's nightmares. Every time she had one, Jim's guilt would magnify to the point that he could easily match her tears and anguish with his own.

Tonight he was lucky, Jessica sighed and returned to her usual rhythmic breathing. Jim didn't loosen his embrace. Despite being spared the nightmare, he felt guilty.

Somehow he had to find a way to make things better for Jessica. Perhaps if she were happier, her dreams would fade.

He'd finally managed to get through to Riley and Angus about the way they treated Jessica, and tonight he'd spelled out for Jessica what she would need to do to Riley and Angus be nicer. Maybe, maybe, this was the beginning of a better time for them all.

Jessica opened her eyes. It was dark and she could hear Jimmy breathing beside her.

She lay staring into the darkness. Normally she awoke from a dream about her family, but this time it was different. All she could think about were Jimmy's words ...do the opposite of her impulses. Of course! It was so obvious, she didn't know why she hadn't thought of it before.

Her impulses always got in the way. But was it true? Would the men actually follow her lead? If she was going to do this, she would have to become a different person. She couldn't be herself any more, she couldn't keep her family's memory alive anymore.

The guilt of that was enough to keep her from entertaining the idea.

But Jimmy had said that the men wanted something from her, wanted her to love them. It was the only explanation she could accept for their behavior lately.

Even Angus, who had been so cruel to her that day, had tamed down his behavior overall. She made a decision. She would do it. She would become someone else if only for the chance to get away from this place, and eventually get revenge for her family.

But, what if that never happened? What if she became someone else and never got the chance to get away?

She closed her eyes and exhaled. She'd been happier in the past week, discounting today, than she had been since she'd got this Godforsaken place. She was tired of suffering for nothing.

"I'm sorry," she whispered into the dark.

The technique she'd been using to calm down around the men caused her to temporarily clear her mind, to remember nothing.

That would have to be her constant state now. She turned her face into her pillow and sobbed. She'd allow herself one last good cry for her family.

Tomorrow, she'd be a new person.

To be continued ...