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It was almost dark by the time we arrived back to the camp, for the firs time I saw some other women moving around the buildings and the sound of laughing filled the air. Jeannie was pretty exhausted after her day and I felt tired too. Aretta and Martha were waiting for us. Martha greeted Jeannie with a huge hug and the reached for me and kissed my cheek "thank you" she whispered in my ear. I nodded at her. Martha spoke to all of us "Aretta, take Jeannie and give her a massage and then see she gets some rest, I am going to talk to Lisa here" Jeannie and Aretta said goodbye and left, hand in hand. Martha, said "come and sit with me over here" we walked to a wooden bench under one of the exotic trees and sat.
I knew what she was going to ask. Before she could say anything I looked her in the eyes and said "Yes, I want to stay with you here and I understand what that means" Martha gave me the warmest smile and held me in her arms. "I'm so happy Lisa, we all think you are very special and we will love you" I grinned, for the first time, I belonged somewhere.
Catch up with Lisa in part 3 when her first time arrives.
- COMMENTS
Lisa_Sweetyover 6 years agoAuthorI thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts.It is very useful and you are indeed correct I did get caught up and rushed through it. I get over excited easily and wanted to finish it. I will retract the publications for the next parts and follow your advice. I want to improve, this is new for me and I am loving writing. I hope you will see an improvement xx
kuhpa01over 6 years agoSince these are quite short segments, I read both parts 1 and 2 quickly. I like the premise of the story, and the character, Lisa, is both likeable and believable.
This story is off to a quick start and seems a bit rushed with very little detailed buildup of the mechanics. That is okay, since the focus is on the prime character, not the space travel mechanics. The downside of rushing, however, is the number of grammatical errors that occur.
I know that when the spirit moves you, and the story is flowing in you, it is necessary to act fast to capture it on some permanent media. You are going to make mistakes which need to be corrected later, when the frenzy of writing has cooled. Spell check and auto-correct are nice tools, but they will do you wrong half the time by correcting so the wrong word is used in place of what you intended.
This cannot be helped. The story is driving you at that moment and you must get it written down regardless of typos and grammar errors and plot mix-ups. Only when the frenzy has faded do you have time to worry about those things.
So then, you simply have to sit back, take a few deep breaths and let it sit for a period of time. A few hours, or a few days later you should get comfortable and read it to yourself, out loud, slowly. Do this a couple of times, and you will find almost all of your errors and correct them.
You may also find sticky little bugs in the plot line, such as in part 1 where the girls are getting hot and heavy on the sofa and suddenly one of them slides down the BED. Makes the reader go 'Huh?' wondering when they moved to the other room. But in the next sentence the location is still the sofa. Such a minor thing to break the enchantment you are trying to weave for the reader.
You have done well for a first effort and I look forward to reading the continuing parts of this story. I expect I will find the same type of errors in the those because you have mentioned that you already submitted parts 3 through 5, so it's too late to act on my advice given here.
Do please continue writing, this story and others that may blossom in your mind, as well. I hope you accept my suggestions, not as criticism, but as encouragement to help you as a writer.
Best of luck and thanks for writing!
