Litter Bug Boogie

*

I hadn't fed the fish for a while and they didn't look too well when I checked on them that Friday morning before I left for Yorkshire. Going on the piss had left them in poor shape and it looked like they would soon have to be flushed away to heaven. Mandy was still in bed, so she had no idea that tragedy was about to strike again.

My trip to Yorkshire was very rewarding. The deal had already been set up on the phone, so the client had all the paperwork ready for signature. I knew a couple of the directors and they were absolutely delighted that I was willing to accept the initial six month assignment, with a view to making the move permanent. On top of my fee, they had agreed to pay moving expenses, temporary accommodation in a local hotel for two weeks and half of my property rental costs in Yorkshire for the remainder of the assignment. Everything was set up for me to start more or less immediately. All I had to do now was consciously disengage from Mandy.

My mobile rang just after I had checked in at the hotel that evening. I was looking forward to a pint or two of locally brewed Yorkshire ale and I didn't feel like wasting time on the phone with Mandy. Of course I expected I'd have to pay a price for piscicide. As it turned out, it wasn't much of a price. Mandy had discovered the fish floating lifeless that afternoon and was trying her best to break the news to me gently. She was totally unaware that she was speaking to the fish murderer in person.

"I'm so sorry I had to give you the bad news, especially after you had to dispose of Wee Doug," she said. "I've no idea what happened, but there was nothing I could do to save them."

"I think you're right, Mandy," I replied. "It was too late for you to save them. Leave the tank and I'll clean it out and disinfect it when I get back tomorrow."

*

The atmosphere was very subdued in our house that Saturday. It was really only a brief stopover for me, because I had returned in the early afternoon and I was going back up to Yorkshire on Sunday. I had a list of tasks that I had to get done, including sorting through a load of paperwork. Mandy went shopping and made dinner, which kept her out of my way, and we spent a quiet evening in front of the goggle-box with a glass or two of wine, watching airhead celebrities on TV chat shows. Neither of us was in the mood for intimacy, probably because we were both too physically and emotionally drained for different reasons.

Much to my surprise, I managed to get a good night's sleep for the first time in days. When I woke it seemed the shock to my system had abated and my mind had aligned itself to a new reality. The feelings of alienation, uncertainty and despair were receding and were being replaced by a grim determination to carry on and make the best of a bad job. I still felt a sadness and an emptiness inside me, but I knew I was far from becoming melancholic and I had gained control over my emotions by focusing on short term outcomes that I was well on the way to achieving.

After lunch, I packed my car, kissed my wife farewell and drove off to Yorkshire.

*

It must have shocked the shit out of Mandy when she got served with the divorce papers a couple of days later. She had no forewarning and I expect she thought she was just signing for receipt of some business papers. Of course, I knew when it was going to happen and I made sure my mobile phone was switched off that day.

I'd like to think I wasn't being petty or cruel, because I was very busy at work, but I have to admit I liked the idea of not being contactable for those few hours. Once I got back to my hotel room after work I switched my phone back on, read the messages and listened to the voicemail. The jist of it was that she was upset, puzzled and angry. I called her back without further delay.

"What the hell's going on, Terry?" she asked, getting right to the point.

"That's exactly the question I was asking myself, Mandy," I replied. "But that was a week or so ago now."

"I don't understand what you're up to, but I wish you'd stop," she said. "It's beyond a joke."

"It really does sound like you're reading my script, Mandy."

"What do you mean by that?" she asked.

"Well, Mandy, at some point in the proceedings I was wondering what you were up to," I told her. "Unfortunately it's too late to stop it now and it was definitely beyond a joke."

"What are you on about, Terry?"

"The Ainsley House Hotel and the Bottoms Up Club."

There was a pause, followed by a lengthy sigh.

"I'm sorry, Terry," she said. "I really don't know what to say. I thought you'd never find out and what you didn't know couldn't hurt you."

"Mandy, I found out, I know about it and it hurt."

"Terry, we need to talk about this, but it's not something we can do over the phone. Are you coming home on Friday?" she asked.

"I'm not sure talking is going to help much," I told her. "I'll come down on Saturday, Mandy, but I've got to be back up in Yorkshire by Sunday evening."

*

Mandy looked very uneasy when I got back that Saturday afternoon. I didn't bother to unpack, because I wasn't sure how things were going to unfold. My plan was to stay overnight in one of the guest bedrooms, but I wanted the option of going elsewhere if the going got tough.

Faced with life-altering damage to house, home, family or friends, the British tend to put the kettle on and make a pot of tea. Mandy soon had us seated in the lounge with a cup of tea and I patiently waited for her to do some talking.

"Firstly, I need to put my cards on the table and say that this mess is all my fault, Terry."

I said nothing.

"The fact of the matter is that I gave in to temptation. I found out about the Bottoms Up Club almost by accident, then I couldn't stop thinking about it. You were away from home the first time I went along. I was incredibly nervous, to the point of wearing a masquerade mask, because I thought if I could hide my face, then people wouldn't really see me. I thought I could just be a watcher, looking on while other people performed and put on a show for the rest of us."

I waited for her to continue.

"At first it was just like I had imagined," she said. "But then I had loads of people approach me and it made me feel incredibly turned on. It wasn't long before I let myself be persuaded to actively participate. Part of the thrill was that it was kind of scary, but after I had done it the first time I realised the people were some of the most genuine, honest and safe people I had ever met, which is another reason why I kept doing it. I found out I like group sex; I like watching other people have sex and I quite like being watched while I'm having sex. Part of it is to do with the idea that sex can just be fun with other people - it doesn't have to be such a big deal."

She looked at me in hope and expectation.

"I agree, Mandy," I replied. "Sex with other people can be fun."

She smiled encouragingly at me.

"As far as I'm concerned," I continued, "If you're not committed to someone else, you can do whatever you like, as long as it's with consenting adults."

I sat and sipped my tea, watching her smile quickly fade, and I waited to see how she was going to react. As far as I could tell, Mandy was taking the approach I had expected. She had a plan and she was going to implement it. She had acknowledged there was a fault in her plan, for which she was responsible, but there was no evidence of any apology, no regret for the damage caused and no sign that the plan was going to be discarded. I knew her well enough to realise she was going to be like a dog with a bone.

"What I got up to very occasionally with other people has had no effect on my feelings for you, Terry," she said. "I love you very much and our life together is wonderful. I just hope you can understand that having fun from time to time with other people in a safe environment poses no threat to what we have together. If you're not interested, you can just ignore it. If you're not there, you don't see anything."

"I think you're wrong, Mandy," I replied. "Anyway, I'm afraid it's too late for me to not see anything."

"What do you mean?" she asked. "I know you found out about the payments to the hotel and the club. Are you saying you saw me there?"

I looked her in the eyes. "If I recall correctly, at around eight o'clock on Monday evening a couple of weeks ago you were getting double teamed by two young Asian guys and an older white man was getting ready to knock on your back door. Someone said you like getting fucked up the arse in public."

"Oh my god!" she gasped. "I'm so sorry. Seeing me there must have come as a terrible shock, but please try to understand that it's only ever been a physical activity. It was only ever a thrilling adventure. That's all it ever could be. Believe me when I tell you I don't love anyone else and I wouldn't want to love anyone else. With the benefit of hindsight I realise I should have talked to you, but I wasn't sure I could tell you about it."

"Well, you were right about that, Mandy," I said. "I wouldn't have been happy if you had told me what you were getting up to. Maybe it was made more exciting for you because it was something you couldn't tell me about."

"I know you must feel hurt and disappointed and I can understand your point of view, Terry. I agree I may have made an error of judgement, but filing for divorce is an extreme reaction, don't you think?"

"I don't think it's an extreme reaction in the circumstances," I replied. "You chose to betray me by giving yourself to other people. As far as I'm concerned that's unacceptable, which is why I want a divorce."

Mandy's shoulders slumped and she sighed in resignation. "Can we at least take some time to think about what it would mean for all concerned before we go down that road? I just think we shouldn't abandon the status quo without considering the consequences."

"I'm already considering the consequences," I replied. "We can take some time to think about things, Mandy, but it's highly unlikely I will change my mind."

*

I left Mandy to her thoughts, while I walked down to the Fox and Hounds for a beer. I like pubs, but I had never felt totally comfortable in the Fox and Hounds. Despite all the years we had lived in the area I wasn't going to miss it very much. The clientele was mostly middle-aged, middle-class, pretentious arseholes and, given the choice, a pint of Yorkshire ale beats watery, southern beer every day of the week. As I sipped at my flat, lukewarm and comparatively tasteless, home-counties beer, I reflected on my next steps.

When I got back up the road Mandy had begun preparations for dinner, so I went upstairs, dropped off my bag in a guest bedroom and collected a couple of items I needed from the master bedroom.

Our dinner conversation was mostly about what our daughters were up to. Lucy had evidently taken Mandy's advice and was playing the field, looking for a replacement for her erstwhile boyfriend, who was now going out with Lucy's BFF, much to Lucy's annoyance. I asked Mandy what a BFF was and she explained that it stood for Best Friend Forever. I thought it unlikely that the girl in question would have that status for much longer.

I had always considered Mandy to be my own BFF. She was aware my attitude towards her was now comparatively cold, but I don't think she realised how much things had changed, probably because I wasn't rude or impolite. It seemed she was under the impression our conversation that afternoon had resulted in some sort of ceasefire agreement. I wasn't going to disabuse her of that notion just yet.

*

I was up bright and early on Sunday morning, got myself some toast and coffee, packed my bags, jumped in Wee Bug and took off for Yorkshire. I had been careful to check and empty the car of anything that belonged to Mandy, including a few business folders I found lying on the back seat.

I was well past Watford before my mobile rang.

"Where are you?" asked Mandy. "Have you taken Wee Bug to the garage by any chance?"

"No," I replied. "I've taken Wee Bug and I'm on my way back to Yorkshire."

"I don't understand. Are you saying you've already left? Why have you taken Wee Bug and why didn't you say goodbye?"

"I decided to take Wee Bug back and you were still asleep."

There was a pause while she processed the information. "I don't understand," she finally said. "What am I supposed to do without Wee Bug?"

"You can use the other car. You know; the one I normally use."

"I still don't understand why you took my car, but I know you're not yourself at the moment, so I will let you off the hook this time. I'll make do with the other car for a few days. Just drive carefully and make sure you don't damage Wee Bug."

*

By the next afternoon I was the proud owner of a nice little red Mazda MX5 convertible that I had spotted on the forecourt of a dealership in Yorkshire. I had part exchanged Wee Bug minus the personalised registration plates, the DVLA paperwork had all been completed and I had advertised the personalised registration number for sale on a couple of websites.

Mandy was really annoyed when she called me later that week and heard I had no immediate plans to return from Yorkshire.

"But how am I going to get my car back?" she asked.

"You're not," I told her. "I sold it."

"What do you mean you sold it?" she screeched. "That was MY car!"

"Actually, Mandy, technically it wasn't," I replied. "I bought it and my name was on the DVLA registration paper."

"But that's not fair, Terry."

"Maybe so," I responded. "I suppose you could argue that I gave it to you and it was unfair of me to take it away from you. But that's not much different from what you did to me."

"Oh, come off it, Terry," she said. "It's not the same thing at all. You're just being petty, but I understand the point you're trying to make. Now, if you'll stop this silliness and just come back home, we can talk this over sensibly, sort things out and get on with our lives."

"Leave it with me, Mandy," I said, "And I'll get back to you."

*

Mandy called me every day the next week, asking me to come back to Surrey, so she could talk to me and try to "sort things out". The conversation was always the same until the day she found out I had sold my shareholding in ABC.

"How could you just make a decision like that on your own?" she harangued me, "Why did you not talk to me about what you were thinking? I'm the other shareholder in our company, so you need to ask me before you just go ahead and do something crazy like this!"

"Those are reasonable questions," I calmly replied. "I'm aware you're the other shareholder in ABC and I know my action will seriously affect you. Believe me, Mandy, I completely understand you're angry and upset that I took the decision unilaterally, without consulting you. I'm fairly certain you would not have approved of my intentions, but I didn't actually need to ask you about selling my shares in ABC. I know how you feel, because I felt the same way when I found out about your decision to fuck other people. I'm sorry you're upset, but whatever your feelings, the decision can't be undone. You'll just have to accept what has happened and adjust to any changes that come about as a consequence."

"You bastard, Terry!" she snarled.

The next time she called, a few days later, she was shouting and screaming at me, apoplectic with rage. So much so that it was difficult to understand exactly what she was saying.

When we set up the company we each had the same number of shares. She hadn't realised that I inherited my dad's shares and that had increased my shareholding to 51%. It came as a nasty surprise to her when the new majority owners of ABC had frozen the company's bank accounts and sent her an invitation to an extraordinary general meeting, which would consider proposals to replace the board of directors and complete the takeover.

Mandy raged on at me about how she now had no access to the cash reserves of ABC.

"Don't you understand, Terry? ABC had well over two hundred grand in the bank! Because of what you've gone and done, we no longer control those funds! I don't know what to do. Now we can't get hold of that money for our retirement."

"I'm sorry about the bad news," I managed to say when she paused for a moment, "But at least you've still got a job. I mean, you've probably still got a job."

There was a sharp intake of breath. "Oh my God!" she gasped, as she realised what I had said. There was a moment or two of silence and then I heard the unmistakeable sound of mournful sobbing before she rang off.

I think Mandy eventually worked out that the deal I did with Jim Savage took into account the finances and other resources of ABC. What she didn't know was that in return for my 51% shareholding I got two times the average annual turnover during the past five financial years plus the equivalent of the cash reserves. The other part of the deal was that Jim would offer to retain Mandy as principal consultant for at least a further two years on a benchmarked annual salary with additional performance-related payments. Jim was no mug. He knew it would be good business to keep her as the face of ABC.

*

As part of the divorce proceedings, our house was eventually sold.

Buying and selling houses in England is a complicated matter. Offers are often subject to other deals being done in a "chain", when a bidder relies on someone else buying their property before they can buy yours. Not only that, but best offers can be "gazumped" at the last minute by someone offering more money after the official closing date.

That's exactly what happened with our house. The best bid at closing date was subject to other deals in a chain that would lead to us eventually getting the money. However, the estate agent received a slightly better offer the day after the closing date, with no chain and no other encumbrances. I was very pleased when we decided to accept the unconditional offer and I think Mandy was relieved to get the deal done. By that stage in the proceedings she had fully accepted we were going our separate ways.

The deed transferring ownership of the house showed the new owners were Max Payne Associates. I had taken care to ensure the identity of the individual behind Max Payne Associates would not be revealed. I thought it was a good investment. The house was in a great location and could easily be rented out to create an additional income stream for a change management consultant living and working in Yorkshire.

*

I haven't spoken to Mandy for quite a while, but she recently called me, asking if I had come across her wedding dress. Our daughter, Linda, and her boyfriend are on the verge of tying the knot and it seems Mandy had been keen for Linda to wear her wedding dress on the big day. Mandy thought maybe it had been packed up and put with my stuff by mistake when we split up.

"I'm sorry, Mandy," I said. "I have no idea where your wedding dress might be."

I always try to tell the truth. I have no idea where the dress might be by now, because I took it and sold it to a nice lady in Yorkshire who runs a nearly new shop. There was no way I was going to let my wife keep that wedding dress. Quite apart from breaking her vows, I was determined there would be no possibility that my daughters would be wearing it if or when I was escorting either of them down the aisle.

Lucy called me a couple of days later.

"Mum's hopping mad, Dad!" she exclaimed, in full drama queen mode. "She just found out the diamond eternity ring you gave her a few years ago is cheap costume jewellery. It's more or less worthless."

"Oh dear, that's a pity," I replied. "She probably thought it was very valuable and must feel enormously disappointed and unhappy. I guess she would never have known the truth if she hadn't checked. Sometimes that's what happens in life. People attach values to things and then feel badly let down if the value of something is much less than they thought."