Little Fish

His heavy chest rose, and then quickly fell. He closed his eyes and chuckled.

"Man. I take back every fucking cruel and insensitive thing I ever said about her." When he opened his eyes, he looked up to me. His face was very sad. "Gil, I'm telling you right now, I take it all back."

I fidgeted with my feet and cleared my throat.

"Okay. That's - How come?"

He looked across the pond.

"She's not a slut or a whore. She never was." Before I could speak, he looked up to me and said, "She was a virgin before the other night."

My mouth opened and closed rapidly and I coughed. He scooted to one side and I sat next to him on the bench.

"How -- What happened?"

He dropped his head and laughed.

"What the fuck do you mean, what happened? We fucked, that's what happened."

My vision blurred and breathing slowed. I inhaled deeply and held my breath.

"Did -- Did you use a rubber?"

"Hell fucking yes, I used a rubber."

He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and tapped one out.

"So. How do you know she was a virgin?"

Jerry lifted a lighter to his mouth, but dropped it and said, "Now how the fuck do you think I would know that?"

With a shrug, I replied, "Well. She could have just said it."

He lit his cigarette and wagged his head.

"Right. She told me she was. And when we took a shower later there was blood on my cock. And I'm pretty fucking sure it wasn't mine."

I wrinkled my nose and turned to him.

"Where the hell did you guys go?"

My hand rose and I pointed to the house, but he laughed and wagged his head and blew out a stream of smoke.

"Jesus Christ. That's right. We fucked in my bedroom. Right across from my fucking parent's room." Then he looked to me with a smirk. "Dumbass. We got a hotel room. Correction: She got us a room. I had no fucking idea any of this shit was going down."

We stared at the pond.

"So. It was her idea?"

Jerry took a long drag and nodded.

"Damn fucking straight it was." Then he turned and shook the cigarette at me. "And as God is my fucking witness, Gil, when she started taking her shit off in that room, I stood there and said no. I told that crazy sister of yours no. No fucking way. Not with her."

I looked down to my hands in my lap.

"How come?"

Jerry furrowed his brow and looked away.

"What do you mean, how come? Why the hell do you think?" I shrugged and went to speak, but he cut me off, saying, "Fuck, man. It's Caroline. Okay? You get it? Caroline." He looked away and wagged his head. "It was just wrong," he muttered.

"Then why'd you do it?"

I awaited an expletive-laden answer, but when he didn't reply, I turned to him.

"Why'd you do it?"

Jerry closed his eyes.

"Because I'm a fucking idiot."

"Did she tell you why?"

"Yes."

"So. What was it?"

He sighed and leaned back, crossing one heavy leg over the other.

"So I'd never forget her."

We stared at the pond and after a time he said, "She got that right. We fucked the shit outa each other all night long. Non-fucking-stop. And now I got that burned into my skull for the rest of my God damn miserable life." When I looked to him, he was staring at me with sad eyes. "Man, I'm really sorry, Gil. I told her I didn't want it. I told her to give it to you, but she said no."

I gulped and looked ahead.

"Do -- Do you know why she said that?"

He took a breath and leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees. He clasped his hands and said, "I think she wants you to have something else. She didn't say what she meant, but now that I've been sitting here thinking about it, I think I know what it is." I wanted to ask, but before I could, he said, "And in case you're slow to catch on, she's completely in love with you." My heart pounded and I felt sick to my stomach. "She didn't come right out and say it, but the way she talked about you, I'd bet my balls she is."

My fingers gripped my knees and my body stiffened.

"Okay. I see. Thank you."

He stared off and asked, "Man, didn't you ever notice -- I mean, we never saw it. The way she always acted around you? Think about it, man. Think back to how she was always quiet around you. Didn't you ever stop and wonder why?" My chin jittered and I held up a hand. "Me neither," he said. "Not until she told me over dinner." I coughed and asked what she said. He raised his eyebrows. "Fucking everything, man, everything. That woman poured her heart out to me. I swear to God, I almost got up and left."

"What - What'd she say?"

"You'd have to talk to her yourself about that. If she wants to tell you, she will. I'm not getting involved. Not any more I'm not, you can bank on that shit, my friend."

We were quiet for a time. I didn't know what to say or how to react. For the last few years, I thought something was wrong with me for longing after my sister. But being around Jerry all that time and hearing him talk lewdly about her and knowing he accepted that I had similar feelings made me feel it was okay. I suppose being around him made me feel less of a deviant. Perhaps I thought if he was a little screwed up, it was okay if I was, too.

He took a deep breath and clapped his hands to his knees. "Well." He pushed up from the bench and I slowly rose with him. Then he struck out a hand to me. I stared at it for a moment, and then slowly took it. He gave a firm shake. "Been nice knowin' ya, man." I gave a jerky nod and he said, "You two have a good life. You were meant for each other." Then he turned and walked for the house, but paused and looked back. "Gil." I looked over and he said, "I don't pretend to understand what it is with you two, and it's none of my business. But give her a good life. She deserves that. She's a beautiful person and there aren't many of those in the world." Then he raised a hand and continued to the house. "Your secret's safe with me."

That was the last time I ever saw Jerome Schwartz. The following year, he graduated from college and went on to medical school to become a surgeon. ------------------------------------

October

Caroline was supposed to move out at the end of August, but it never happened. The subject was never broached. She had her full scholarship and could have lived on her own in the resident halls, but chose otherwise.

I came home from class to find her sitting on the living room floor. Before her was a large orange pumpkin atop several sheets of newspaper. She was carving out the lid, her tongue wedged in her cheek, and she grinned at me as she struggled to work the knife. I set my book bag on the floor and sat on the couch to watch.

"I got two. One for me and one for you."

I smiled and thanked her.

When the knife made its circuit around the top of the pumpkin, she carefully pulled it out and set it on the newspaper. Then she rotated the pumpkin so the lid was facing me. Wearing something of a snarl, she gripped the green thing at the top and said, "Wanna see its guts?" I furrowed my brow, while she slowly peeled back the lid. "Ew. Look at that. Disgusting. Pumpkin guts." Then she reached inside and pulled out a stringy mass of seeds. She held out her slimy hand and squished the contents until they dripped onto the paper. "Ew. Doesn't it make you sick?"

That night we lay on a blanket on the floor of her room, staring out the window to the balcony where the two pumpkins sat staring back with glowing yellow eyes. Caroline held a bottle of Coke to her lips and tilted her head back. Then she handed it to me.

She folded her arms on her pillow and laid her head down. She was facing me and wearing a soft smile.

"How are your classes?"

"Fine," she murmured.

"Almost done with midterms?"

Caroline nodded.

"Do you think we're bad people?"

She wagged her sleepy head.

"Do you want to sleep in my room or yours?"

"Yours," she whispered.

I never forgot Jerry's parting words -- that Caroline was a beautiful person and his request to I give her a good life. And that is what I did.