tagHumor & SatireLittle Too Large

Little Too Large

byNakod Apa©

Now harken, beloved children, let me tell you a bedside story. A tale many say of the greatest discovery ever made.

Now many of the discoveries that have contributed to the advance of women (and men) have been the lucky consequence of events that were not directed toward the ultimate outcome. This was one such.

So, if you are lying comfortably, I will enlighten you.


And once upon a time it came to pass that . . .

Prince Adidas, the second son of the Hunglo Emperor, could hardly be called imposing or regal in stature - unlike his elder brother, Crown Prince Nike, who had been blessed with features that caused maidens to swoon. Though as compensation Prince Adidas alone had inherited the family intelligence.

Thus it came about that when their father dropped dead of over-exertion whilst clutched between the thighs of his number one concubine, Prince Adidas immediately knew what was required. Hardly pausing to withdraw from a favourite odalisque he called for his personal assassin.

'Assassin,' he commanded, 'you will relieve me of my inconvenient brother.'

And he did.

So it came about that the High Priest requested an audience - though it is recorded that before condescendingly receiving him Prince Adidas made him wait until he had energetically filled his second favourite slave-girl.

'Your Highness,' the High Priest said, averting his gaze from the naked form of the gratified slave-girl, 'as you are now the only living descendent of the late Emperor you are, perforce, our new ruler. Do I have your permission to prepare for your coronation?'

And so it was arranged.

The day following his coronation the new Emperor, Adidas-the-Ever-Ready, sent for his Senior Eunuch and enquired, 'How many women do I have in my Harem?'

'As many as the days of your late father's reign, Sire. For he lived by the principle that a virgin a day keeps boredom at bay.'

'And how much do they cost to maintain?'

'More than all the tribute thy vassals pay. The Treasury is almost as bare as your erotic dancers.'

'Methinks in this modern, fiscal world a Harem must be competitive and self-financing. Henceforth my concubines and odalisques are to accept paying customers.'

And, most willingly, they did.

The next day - that is the day after the day following his coronation - Emperor Adidas-the-Fiscally-Prudent again sent for his Senior Eunuch.

'Senior Eunuch,' he said, 'It would appear that in addition to the concubines I keep for my daily fitness training, my subjects expect me to take an Empress and make an heir.'

'I would most earnestly advise it, Sire. Indeed it is considered wise, as your father was, to beget an heir and a spare. It is a precaution against adventurers attempting to hijack the throne and harem.

'Indeed. I am minded to follow your advice. . . Know you that my preference is for damsels that are young, supple, well rounded, and virgin. Bring to me the seven fairest in all my Empire of Hunglo.'

'Your wish is my command, Sire.'

'Further let it be proclaimed that, in order to adhere to the Politically Correct principles of competition, from the seven I will choose the three that most arouse me,' he ordered. 'After I have deflowered them I shall provide each with a daily workout. At the end of a month the one who hath given me the greatest pleasure shall become my Empress, tasked with bearing me a son or more. The remaining two shall be given in perpetuity to my bodyguard as a token of my benevolent munificence.'

'But Sire,' a junior eunuch inquired, 'what of the remaining four virgins?' (There remains a persistent myth that he had a pecuniary partnership with a certain local madam, though historians have been unable to find any convincing evidence.)

'Why,' said His Serene Highness, 'They shall be my mood change concubines. One to calm my anger, another to banish the blues, a third to beat boredom, and the fourth to massage my vanity. Each shall be a specialist.'

'Oh, how enlightened, Sire.'

'See that they are so trained.'

And, after much enthusiastic practice, they graduated (with honours).

Now it had transpired that whilst surfing her crystal ball, the Seeress Laurel had descried the royal edict. Urgently she sent for her companion, the Mage Manu.

'Opportunity is upon us,' she declared. 'Ensorcel and transmogrify our daughter Little Erotica that she shall be one of the chosen three.'

And forthwith he cast the spell.

Whilst awaiting discovery by the junior eunuch tasked with locating the ten fairest maidens, Little Erotica-The-Enhanced was briefed by her mother, Laurel-the-Opportunist.

'Take these packets of powders, my dear. When His Sublime Highness parts your thighs, why secretly administer to him a powder from the white packet. It will cause him to so relish you and experience pleasure within your cunni such as man never before enjoyed.'

'And what of those in the black packet, Mother?'

'Why give him one of those when either of the other chosen bitches spreads her legs for him. It will render him temporarily impotent. Thus will you ensure that he perceive you to be the woman of his dreams.'

And so the virtuoso Little Erotica became Empress.

Many months passed. Empress Erotica-the-Entrancer bore the Emperor a son and heir and, by dint of much good work and importunity on behalf of the members of her empire, she attained great popularity. Thus, she was at first disbelieving when informed by her spies that the Emperor intended putting her aside in favour of a diplomatic alliance with a princess from a neighbouring kingdom.

However, as the High Priest explained, 'Pussy is plentiful but they are not making land any more.'

After some reflection the Empress Erotica called for the state assassin and commanded him to 'Make of me a widow.'

And a period of state mourning ensued.

Later the High Priest visited the Dowager Empress Erotica. He was immediately received. 'Your Highness,' he said, 'your son, Prince Lacoste, is the next in line for the throne. Yet at barely one year of age he cannot rule alone.'

'Then I must l be declared Regent,' the Dowager Empress responded.

And so Female Liberation came to the Empire of Hunglo.

However following the prescribed period of mourning Regent Erotica-the-Feminist realized that collaterally the state assassin had deprived her of a vital necessity. She called for the Chief Eunuch. 'I need a means to satisfy my urges,' she proclaimed.

'Alas, Madam, I no longer possess the wherewithal to provide for your pleasure. Nor do my assistants. However there are many concubines and slave-girls within the Harem who would delight in pleasuring you.'

'I am a woman, Chief Eunuch, who requires a man. To bed another woman is but to treat the symptoms, not the complaint.'

'But what of the Royal Bodyguard, Madam?'

'They may have the endurance but they have not the tools to fill such a majestic cunni - their weapons are for a different battle. No, I would wish for a man with a humongous cock. Find the seven largest in my Empire. I will permit each a trial insertion and then retain those of size sufficient to satisfy my appetites.'

And thus the Regent Erotica-the-Horny acquired three toy-boys.

However it transpired that, although the largest in her realm, not one of the seven cocks could compare with that of the late Emperor Adidas-the-Well-Hung. So she remained Erotica-the-Somewhat-Frustrated. But being a Liberated Woman she decided that a solution should be found. No expense would be spared.

Now it was indeed fortunate that the Harem, having been down-sized and privatised, was operating at a profit, for thus she was enabled to establish and finance, under her personal patronage, The Institute for Female Fulfillment [TIFF].

By royal command the best scientists were recruited. An educational programme to train all the Empire's boys in sexual proficiency instituted. And, ultimately the most important, research undertaken to find ways to improve the bulk and endurance of the typical male member.

As part of the analysis emissaries scoured the world, both known and unknown, for local treatments and well endowed individuals.

And, in a remote jungle, a new herb was found.

Experimentation showed that this plant could both replace Viagra for inducing arousal and prolonging erection and, in sufficient quantity, profoundly increase a male's stamina.

Being in great demand it commanded a high price and the consequently the government sought to monopolize its supply. However, soon the economics of supply and demand prevailed and much land was given to its production, both legal and illegal, such that it became exceedingly plentiful and cheap.

Now women encouraged their men to freely devour the herb and it quickly became apparent that in quantity it had a side effect. Large amounts would cause a mild form of elephantiasis in the male member. It would become, and remain, enlarged - in extreme cases up to double the original length and breadth.

Upon being advised of this effect the Regent Erotica commanded that it be tested on her toy-boys. Swiftly she was transformed from Erotica-the-Somewhat-Frustrated to Erotica-the-Well-Filled.

Soon, males who did not ingest considerable quantities of the herb were ostracized as being of an unsocial nature and driven from this caring society. Meanwhile the government gleefully found they could levy a new tax to replace the declining income from tobacco and alcohol. Also the law courts found that denial of the herb was a feared and effective punishment.

Finally bowing to pressure from members of Women's Liberation groups, Erotica-the-Supremely-Satisfied decreed that, henceforth, upon reaching puberty, all males were to undergo a course of treatment - at state expense - to enhance their cocks to a size sufficient to fill the most considerable cunni.

This then is the history of a sublime discovery - of a blessing to civilisation that remains with us to this day.

And it is for this reason that the current campaign has been launched to have the Regent Erotica-of-the-Blessed-Gift canonized as Saint Erotica-the-Impresario-of-Pleasure.

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