Live from the Game Ch. 04

This was classic Deanna. Trying so hard to sound reasonable when she was not infact being reasonable at all. It was the way she approached a lot of things in our marriage, a small amount of guilt manipulation, and all of a sudden, her problem was actually your problem.

That wasn't going to happen here, and I put a stop to it instantly.

"Did you really have to fuck that dude and betray everything that matters?" I replied, bitterly and with great sarcasm.

She looked away. Point Ryan.

She looked back, her eyes widening as she thought of something.

"All that guilt complex that Crystal gave me over my reasoning. That was you, wasn't it? She's not smart enough to come up with those arguments; god knows she's been fucking around for years. All that she said to me, that was you? You got to her, didn't you?"

I just looked back at her. There was nothing really to say. There was silence for a minute while we just stared at each other. Then I took a risk.

"Deanna," I said, asking the one thing I wanted to know. It was the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't ask, but now we were here, and she didn't seem to be volunteering it, I had to know. And I had a feeling I wasn't going to like the answer, which is why she wasn't addressing it. "What was the extent of your relationship with Jordan Lawler? What did you feel about him? You say you love me, but you've not said a word about how you felt about him."

She bit her lip and fresh tears appeared.

"I don't know. I honestly don't. We -- you and I - were just drifting, it seemed -- too much life, not enough living. And then he came along. It was fuck buddies to start with, but I spent time with him. He's a nice guy. I couldn't work out why he was cheating on his wife, beyond what he told me about her being there and him being here and him having needs. I didn't really examine it very closely, because if I did, I'd have to examine why I was, and I didn't want to do that. I just wanted to enjoy it all. But we got close. We were intimate; when I was with him I was one hundred percent with him, if you know what I mean? There was no one else we hung around with -- no other friends, for obvious reasons. It was just us, no kids, no jobs, no outside influences. You can't help but get close to someone in that situation. He's funny, he's cute, he made me laugh and made me feel special. He's like a younger you. You'd have liked him if you'd have met him socially."

I just stared at her with steel in my eyes.

"Well, OK, perhaps not. But I don't know what we were. We weren't in love. I made that clear. And we both knew it was short term. We both knew that, too. I think we were infatuated. With each other and with what we were doing."

"The high risk situational sex?"

"Yes," she admitted. "I don't even know where that came from. He suggested once that we do it in a bathroom of a place we were having dinner, and I thought 'why not', and once I had, well, it just became a thing. The prospect of being caught... it was just so naughty and delicious."

"Why didn't you come to me? Why couldn't I have scratched that itch?"

"Oh I couldn't do that. We don't do things like that -- what would you have thought of me? You are my husband, not my lov...." She trailed off as she realized what she was saying.

And there it was. I was compartmentalized, just as Crystal had said. I was 'this' and not 'that' and right then, 'that' was what she'd wanted.

"Thanks for that. Another kick in the balls of my ego."

"Oh Ryan, I didn't mean it like that. What we do together is Us. What I did with Jordan was just Me. He was like an elaborate doll beyond the sex. It could have been anyone. I didn't even know I needed this till it happened with him."

"Well, that makes it all alright then." Out came the sarcasm.

I honestly was getting tired of this. So many details. And she wasn't even sure what he feelings were.

"Of course not. I'm trying to explain myself; I never said it would make sense. But I can say this with authority and it does make sense. I love you. I didn't and don't love him. I liked him a lot and I enjoyed the time we spent, but I know I love you and everything you've given me. And I never lost sight of that -- well maybe I did. He kept trying to get me to say I loved him -- I don't know why -- and I wouldn't. I just wouldn't. I wouldn't talk about you or discuss you at all. Please know that. I kept the different parts of my lives apart and I worked hard to make sure you saw the same me as always, because it was the same me as always. I just had a new dimension."

I stared at the table when she said this, and she saw it and said, "Talk to me Ryan. Tell me what you are feeling."

My eyes snapped up to her and I said, with feeling, "What I'm feeling? I'm feeling old, used up and unwanted. You think he's a younger me? Well, I'm sorry for growing older Deanna. I'll try not to in the future. I'm feeling like somehow you were falling in love with some other guy and I had no clue. If Simon hadn't called me that day and told me to watch the Cross Town Classic, I never would have known. How blind am I? I just go through life blissful and happy and stupid and fat and I never even saw it. You were excellent at hiding it and I was just fucking stupid.

"And now you tell me you aren't even sure of your own feelings towards him. Well, I can tell you of my feelings towards you, all too clearly. I hate what you've done. I hate everything about it. I hate the betrayal, I hate the fact that I am not enough for you. I hate the fact that honestly, you aren't even that sorry. You are sitting here, telling me all these details, but there's no contriteness in you at all. You fucked this guy, started falling in love with him, hid everything from me, and from your kids. Did you ever consider what would happen to them if this came out? Did you? Fucking no, you didn't. Because if you had, you wouldn't have done it. But you did, so there's that.

"I love you Deanna. I always will. But I will never be with you again. There is no trust -- you've shown yourself to be a very skillful liar and I just can't trust anything you say any more. We are done, you know that, right? There's no coming back from this."

She was weeping now, the tears streaming down her face.

"I knew you'd be this way. I knew this is how you'd see it. From the moment that screen showed our pictures, I knew this would be the end. I don't honestly blame you, but I don't want our lives to end. I love you and I can't function properly without you and the kids. I want a second chance. Tell me what to do. Tell me what you need to get past this. Hit me, punish me, do whatever you want, but don't cut me out. These two weeks have been the hardest of my life. I've not stopped crying the whole time. Melissa has found me a counselor who I've started seeing, but it's going to take time for me to understand the roots of all this. I just don't understand how I could have kept it going so long. That's just not me. But I need you. I need you next to me, holding me at night, so I feel safe. I need your sense of humor. I need everything about you Ryan, and it kills me that I blew it and I don't have it any more. And I know you need me, too."

"Yeah, well, I'm spending a lot of time getting passed that need. You did a good job on my heart, Deanna. It's in pieces and I don't really have any inclination to put it back together right now."

"Oh god, please. Please Ryan. I just need some way to get through to you, I'm so sorry. For everything. For doing it, for betraying you, for hiding it and lying to you, for how you found out, for whatever drove me to it, everything. I can't believe it was me doing it. Tell me what you need."

"I need to be away from you, Deanna. The wounds are all too fresh and you are too adroit a liar. You have needs that I obviously cannot fulfill and you need to go on with your life, too. We have the kids and we'll work ok as Co-parents. You know I won't keep you away from them. Whatever else you are to me, your are their mom. Oh and I checked. They are mine."

That statement produced even more wailing. She sobbed, "Of course they are. How could you think otherwise?"

I just looked at her, and she sobbed some more as she thought about it.

"Deanna, if you are seeing a counselor, I'll be happy to help with that. And I hope you got some closure here. If you need absolution, then fine, here is it. I forgive you. Whatever it is you think you need forgiveness for, I give it. But I will not forget, and with that comes the need for my own life, free from someone who has too little regard for it."

"No," she said, simply.

"What?" I said. "I don't know what else I can give you Deanna. You've already had it all. If you imagine that I'm just going to say 'there there, it's all ok, come home now', think again."

"No, I mean, it's not enough. I know you'll never forget, and you shouldn't. Neither will I. But I need you Ryan. I can't explain it. I could only do what I did because you were there at home. If I had honestly believed there was the remotest prospect of you finding out and leaving, it would have ended instantly. I was just too stupid and wrapped up in the situation to understand what I was doing. But, regardless, I need you. I need the kids, and I need our life and I'm going to get it back. I don't know how, but I am. Somehow I'm going to figure out a way to get back in your life and in your bed, and make you happy. Somehow."

I didn't really see how that would happen, but whatever. Let her have her delusions -- they couldn't hurt me any more.

"Well, I wish you luck with that, Deanna." I looked at my watch and said, "I have to pick up the kids. I'll see you around."

I threw down a twenty and got up and left Deanna sitting in the booth crying, and my heart broke one more, final time.

Epilogue.

One last thing did happen. No, I didn't suddenly fall in love, or meet some perfect wonderful hottie who made everything ok.

Deanna and I tried our best to co-parent -- at least on my side. I just tried to get along and not make a fuss and ensure she had as much time with the kids as I did.

Kids are hugely robust, but I know Paula was especially hit hard by us splitting up. At one point she cornered me and asked me point blank, "If Mom had someone else."

I just smiled at her and said, "No honey, she's all yours."

Which was not strictly speaking true, but I wasn't about to further break the heart of a twelve year old.

I don't know if Deanna dated or not. She said she wasn't, that she was waiting for me, but I honestly can't trust anything she says anymore, and I don't have the time or energy to check up on her. She still tries to get me to 'come by and have dinner', but I'm just not over the last heartbreak yet. I don't need another one. She'd been to counseling and I've gone a couple of times as well, to fill out my side, but I made it plain that this wasn't about getting us back together; it was purely so the shrink could hear about me and my life and how I was with Deanna, so she could understand more.

I haven't had a date. I don't know why people seem to think that once your marriage breaks up, women will be lining up to date you. It seems to happen in almost all Literotica stories, where once the guy is free, his PA sets up dates for him with all the available women she knows, who apparently are chomping at the bit for him. In my case, life continued, Adriana continued to be a stone cold bitch, and if she was arranging dates for anyone, it wasn't me.

Work happened. The new plant opened, and Paul officially became the chairman of the board - a position that was both a reward and a place where he couldn't do any harm. Of course I got the CEO position.

Like Fuck I did. The board put the job out to tender and now I have a guy who is ten years younger than me, with no experience and, on occasion, equally as stupid as Paul to guide. I did get a salary increase though -- I don't think he knows it, but I earn more than our CEO does. The board knew what it was doing -- I am, after all, the middle aged balding guy in the rumpled suit. The new CEO also has much better hair than I do.

Which brings us to the last thing that happened. About a month after it all went down, I got a letter from the legal counsel for the Cubby Bears, inviting me to a meeting at Wrigley Field, which I was 'heartily encouraged to come to, to avoid any legal unpleasantness.' Well, faced with such a delightful invitation, how could I refuse?

So there I was, sitting in their conference room, staring at all the signed jerseys on the wall, wondering what was going to happen next. Perhaps they were going to ask me to play! In comes John Upton, Wrigley Fields chief of operations, in a very nice tailored suit, and he just sits down opposite me. He just leans back in the huge boardroom chairs, and stares at me, and I do my best to act nonchalant.

With preamble, he says, "So, Mr. Tomlinson. How about you give me one good reason why I don't hit you with a civil suit for that stunt you pulled?"

"Oh, I'm sure I can think of something..." I said, with studied bravado.

It was totally false -- this was actually the worst blowback I could think of. With a criminal prosecution, they had to prove that it was you, beyond all doubt. With a civil suit, you had to prove it wasn't you, beyond all doubt. And frankly, I couldn't, mainly because I was guilty all the way along the line.

"Look, if you could prove this beyond any doubt, I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you, would I? You'd have filed and that is it. The fact is, while I appreciate whoever did this, I cannot claim credit for this. Plus, you sue me, it's public knowledge. You guys have been embarrassed enough over this. You sue me and lose, then what?"

That was almost everything I could think of. I hoped it was enough.

John Upton was a large man, with silver hair and horn-rimmed glasses, that magnified his eyes as he stared at me.

"I see," he said, "We are playing it that way, are we? Ok then. Here's my position Ryan -- I can call you Ryan, yes?"

I nodded.

"I need to make an example of whoever did this. Someone broke into our computer system -- and while that's not a felony and the FBI have been involved, they aren't very interested, since no information was stolen and no threats were made. The fact is, I need to stop that happening again. About the only way I can do that is to make an example out of you. Don't you agree?"

I laughed at that -- it was all so reasonable. No, I didn't agree and I said so. "I don't think so. I think all you are doing is opening yourself up for more embarrassment. But I do have something for you."

I opened my briefcase and pulled out a folder and pushed it to him, across the table.

"What's this?"

"Well, I figured you'd come at me with this, so I spoke to some white hat hacker friends. They took a look at your system and worked out how people might get in. There is a report there you might give to your IT group, make your system more secure."

"And you just happened to do this, out of the goodness of your heart?" asked John, sarcastically.

"Put yourself in my shoes. What would you have done, assuming you are not guilty? I'm trying to take the heat of myself."

John gave an expression you give when someone says something that's true and you hadn't really considered it.

"Well, this is helpful. Got anything else?"

"Yes, this." I pushed across the thumb drive with the video of Jordan and Deanna on it. "It's video of the couple in question fucking. If you get slapped with a defamation lawsuit, you can threaten to release this. Remember, it's only defamation if it's not true. And it decidedly is."

"Yeah, we'd wondered about that. Your actions have opened us up to this. If we don't get sued, it's only because you are lucky. As it is, it turns out I can't even fire any of the cameramen since they don't work for us -- they are contractors for the TV distribution company. I had serious words with them asking if they knew this was coming. I got wide-eyed innocence. When I asked them why they picked out that couple, they just asked me what I would have done, given what was on the screen. The one guy said he remembered where they were before and just zoomed in there."

He was determined to get me to admit it, and I was having none of it.

"I haven't done anything, and I'll thank you to stop saying I have. Remember defamation?"

He rolled his eyes, and kept looking at the file I'd given him. Then he put it down, pulled off his glasses and said, "Ok, Ryan, I'll be straight with you. You are here because I wanted to see what kind of man you are. I've had you looked at, and it looks like you are a decent enough guy. Three kids you are trying to raise with that ex wife of yours. You've been more decent to her than she deserves, and I don't want to ruin your life unless you deserve it. And you don't. So...this won't go any further. But don't do it again, Ryan. Your privileges are all used up."

He picked up the USB drive and the folder and turned to go, saying, "You can find your own way out. Oh and Ryan, it gets better. There are other women out there. Trust me on this. Women that won't break your heart. I found one, you can, too."

And then he left the room, and I was left sitting there, wondering what to do next in my life.