Liv's Legacy: Paula

"Paula, would you like for me to hold you for a minute. I won't do anything else if you say yes," her voice soft as the breeze, and just as welcome to my heart for whatever reason. My answer was to nod my head. I was in need, but I didn't know of what. Sense, maybe, reason—something.

And then Liv was holding me as I cried, lost, feeling all alone as I had not felt before though I had felt distant from my parents even at home. Life wasn't worth it; I just knew it wasn't, and there was no reason to continue it, and that realization made me sob in anguish.

"Go ahead and cry, honey. You need to get it out of your system, make room for your eyes to see a better way for yourself," she said, rocking me, caressing my hair, my head, then, I sensed, she was crying with me. It nearly broke my heart that I had made her cry.

"I'm sorry, Liv. Please don't cry. I'll stop now. Just stop crying," I wailed, if a strong whisper can be called wailing.

"It's okay, Paula. The senselessness of it all makes me sad, and it makes me angry. And not being able to do much for you makes me feel worse."

"Y—you don't have to d—do anything for me."

"Yeah, I know, but who will? All I can do is to offer you a place to stay if you'd like, but then you'd wonder why I was doing that. Damn it, honey, it's not fair what they're doing to us."

She'd said it all as if without thought, as if she meant every word, and my heart responded with its quickening beat, and hope entered my mind that worked hard to overcome the confusion I was feeling, the uncertainty.

"You'd offer me a place to stay? With you?" I wondered aloud quietly.

"Yes, if I thought you'd come with me, I would. If you want to get away, then come with me, but don't throw your life away. Don't do that. It's not fair to you. You can come stay with me for a while and take time to work something out for yourself, get your mind to seeing more of the beauty that had you so peaceful a while ago."

She meant it! My thoughts entered my mind from too many directions, and I couldn't make any sense of any of them. Some said no, it wasn't possible, she didn't really mean it, others said why not, you can kill yourself any time if it's not true, if she's not as she sounds like she is.

"I have this feeling that you're thinking about it, maybe wanting to come with me. It's true, hon. I'll do what I can to help you, and in the meantime, you'll have a place to stay, and food to eat. If you want, you can go home and tell your parents, and pick up some of your things, or you can just come with me, and we'll find a way to get you what you need. You don't wear fancy clothes, do you?"

"Fancy clothes?" That threw me, and I almost laughed. In the little light that there was, I looked at Liv and saw her small smile. She was kidding me.

"No, I don't have any fancy clothes," I said, a small smile of my own oddly coming on my lips.

"Yeah, I didn't think so, but I had to try to make you smile if I could. Is that okay?"

The warm feelings I had in me were exploding in my heart. "Yes, it's okay. Do you really mean it?"

"About coming with me to my place? Definitely, and no strings attached. I won't hit on you, not that you're not pretty, because you are from what I can see of you, but I won't. Promise."

"Liv, I can't go home. I'm not sure I could get away again until later, and then I'm sure it would be to kill myself. My parents will hound me to change my ways, and I can't go back and not tell them. I can't do that. I can't hide anymore," I said, sensing my desperation and sadness reclaiming me again.

"Then come with me, and let me try to help you. You can write them a note and mail it so they'll know you had to leave, and if you want, you can tell them about it, about you, and how you feel you are. Whatever you think is what you should do, hon."

* * * *

On the way, my mind thought that it might be foolish of me to still be with her. Then another part reminded me that if something bad were to happen to me, I'd still be able to kill myself. The first part of my thinking mind returned, and the small battle went on until we were at her place.

"It's not real fancy, but it's more than comfortable. Paula, there's an extra bedroom if you think you can sleep in it okay. But if you think you'd feel to lost, you can sleep with me. It's a king size bed, and if you'd rather, I promise you I won't try to take advantage of you. I just don't want you to have any feelings of not being safe. The other bed is nice and good to sleep on, and has clean sheets. My bed's nice and comfortable too, and I just changed the sheets on it. Just please don't let yourself get to feeling down, or lost, or all alone. You're not alone, hon, so please don't be shy about what's best for you," she smiled.

Looking at her in the light, I saw that she was really pretty. Much prettier than I'd thought, and her eyes didn't betray any guile, plus her smile was pleasing, a good smile that brought trust into my heart and mind.

"Are you sure it's okay if I sleep with you?" I asked, suddenly fearing to be alone, though I knew Liv would be close by. I didn't want to be alone.

"Sure I'm sure. You have to feel comfortable. Can't have you deciding you were better off in the water, now can I?" a small smile on her lips. "Now, do you want to sleep in your clothes, or would you prefer a shower and a sleeping gown or long shirt?"

"Please, I don't want to be any trouble," I nearly stuttered.

"No trouble, honey. If you feel a need to shower, then you should shower. If you don't want to sleep in your clothes, I have an extra gown, or a long T shirt. I sometimes prefer to wear a long T when I sleep. What would you prefer?"

Uncertain, I nonetheless said, "A gown if you don't mind."

"Not at all. Hold on, and I'll get it for you," she said, and quickly pulled a clean one out of her dresser drawer. "There you go. Tell you what, you shower and get in bed, and I'll shower in the other bedroom and quick get into my sleep outfit. I'll let you know before I come in again, okay?"

"Okay," I said as she left, then nervously began to undress, uncertainty coming at me like a wildfire in high winds, yet I continued on.

In the shower, my hands were shaking, jerking, and generally causing me to drop the soap. Somehow I had enough on the washcloth to wash my body, but I rushed through it. It was okay since I didn't think I was too dirty since I hadn't done anything, so a quick wash would be good enough for now.

Done, I dried quickly, reached into the small purse I still had, though why I didn't know. I'd probably picked it up out of habit. Combing through my hair, I put it back, and went to the bed. I looked at the bed and noticed it had a headboard that was like a bookcase, yet it didn't. What it had was a place with sliding doors just above where the head was as if to hold books and what not, but it was somewhat high, and very deep. At the top of it, it was deep enough that one could lay on its padded top as if to sleep, though I didn't think anyone would lest they roll and fall onto the bed proper. It was very odd, but I was sure it served a purpose.

"Are you set?" I heard Liv's voice.

"Yes, I'm done," I answered, and she walked in. She had a gown on herself. Oddly enough, I thought I would have liked to peek at her without anything on. I'd never had an opportunity to see a woman naked before, and Liv certainly was very attractive. She looked very good.

There was no getting around the fact that I'd wanted to see her, that I wondered what she looked like naked, or even just a leg. My mind wanted to fantasize about her, and maybe me with her too, but that ended abruptly as I heard a sermon being given. It was one of fire and sin, of being unfit for God's mercy, unfit to be in his presence. My mind pictured people screaming without end from the fire continually burning their flesh, but the flesh didn't go away, it just kept burning.

My body began to tremble, then to shake, and I cried many tears as my heart pounded madly in my breast. I was gasping, my lips flapping against each other as if I was trying to say something, but no words came out of my mouth. Then I felt my body twitch, and I did hear my mouth as if whispering 'no', or trying to. I don't know how long I was that way, but suddenly, I felt someone, and thought the devil was coming to take me with him.

"No," I screamed. "No, please no. Don't take me, please don't take me," I sobbed.

"It's only me, Liv, and I'm not going to take you. Nobody's going to take you. Don't cry. You're safe here with me. I promise you that you're safe," I heard her soft voice.

Then I knew she was holding me close to her, a hand gently rubbing my back, her other hand and arm holding my head to her. How quickly my mind had gone into its shadows of darkness and tormented me.

"Oh, honey, what have they done to you? What?" she whispered sorrowfully as I felt some of her tears also.

As Liv held me, and softly cried with me, and did all she could to comfort me, to make me realize that I was with her and safe, my heart slowly began to slow down its maddening beat. A warmth began to replace it, a gladness to hear Liv's voice telling me that I was safe with her. Her body was no longer something I longed to see, but a constant reminder of the warmth of a human being that cared about me, was concerned for me.

"I'll hold you as much as you need me to. Nothing will happen to you; I promise, Paula. Nothing, or nobody, will touch you. You're safe here, honey, you're safe."

She held me tightly to her. My tears continued, but not nearly as they had been. An occasional sob escaped me. After a few of them, I realized my face was on her breast, and it was so sweet and comforting to me. Thinking that, feeling it, I hugged her harder to me, and felt her do the same, but gently.

"I'm sorry," I finally said. "I..."

"Hush, baby, it's okay. I don't know what all they put in your mind, but it's not true. Please believe me, it's not. Now hush and sleep. I won't let go of you unless you want to, but please know that you don't have to leave off of me holding you. Just go to sleep and know that I've got you, that you're safe, okay?"

"O--okay," I said, and felt a gratitude that was unfathomable, and gave myself up to my cheek being on her breast. "Okay," I whispered again.

Chapter 2

"You look like you slept good, thank goodness," I heard Liv say softly as she looked at me.

I was still with my face on her breast, and though I felt I should get off of it, and my face flushed hot, I couldn't bring myself to leave the safety of it, of Liv.

"We can lay here as long as you need to, or if you need to use the bathroom, you can and come right back if you want to, okay?" she continued speaking in a soft tone of voice.

"Thank you," I told her, letting her know how I still felt the need for her as I was.

Her hand gently combed through my hair, caressed my face, and had me sighing softly as I enjoyed her holding me and all but pampering me. However, it soon became apparent that I would have to go to the bathroom. The distress a small thing like that caused in me was monumental. It worried me to be so fearful and needful of sensing the security of being on Lv's breast. As I thought that, my face shot up with a sensation of too much heat in my cheeks.

"I—I do need to go to the bathroom," I said, my body demanding that I do or face the consequences.

"Okay, go ahead, then I'll go. If you still want to lay as we are, you get back in bed, and I'll be right back. I mean it, Paula. If you need to stay in bed, then that's what we do, okay? We have to make sure that you feel safe and as comfortable as possible. Now go," she said, but gently.

Reluctantly, I was up and headed to relieve my bladder that was screaming at me. Done, I went back to bed before Liv had a chance to get up.

"Atta girl. Don't be ashamed to let me know what you need," she said, and kissed my forehead before leaving.

Her kiss had me sighing, and feeling a warmth I couldn't remember having before, and more than that, yearning for her to return. When she did, I made sure the cover was back enough for her to slip under it easily.

"Thank you," she whispered as she pulled the covers up a little.

No sooner was she on the bed than I was at her breast, my top arm over her and pulling her tightly to me. As I did, it tried to come to me that I barely knew Liv, yet I was clinging to her as if she was my only refuge. That thought was followed by another that was nearly disquieting: Liv was my only refuge. It nearly made me cry. I'd put myself in a position of relying on a person I didn't know, had only met last night, yet if she left, I knew it would feel to me as if I'd been dismembered and awaited being devoured by whatever wished to do so to me.

Liv pulled me tighter to her as she felt my whole body tremble.

"Honey, I don't know what all they did to you, or put in you, but we'll figure it out if you want to. You can't go through life being as scared as you are. Do you want me to help you? I will if you say you do."

Fearing to say no, I nodded my face in her breast, but I knew that I wanted it anyway. She was right, I couldn't go through life being so afraid. Though I knew I could still go to the water again, it was a fearful thought to me as I felt Liv's soft and warm breast, and heard the beating of her heart. For now, and maybe forever, I didn't want to leave off of being as I was, so bad was my sense of being alone, of having no one I could feel good with, and safe too.

"Tell me more about yourself, Paula. Tell me everything, and let me help you."

"There's nothing more to tell. I've been scared for too many years. All I know are my parents and the church, and that I think—know—that I want to be with a woman, to love a woman. All my life, or for as long as I can remember, I've lived in fear of it being known. All my life I've heard our preacher saying I was doomed to live for eternity in hell, that God hated me for what I am, but I can't help it. I can't," I cried.

"If you can't, then you can't, but you can still live, and be as you know you must be. In everything we do and say, always remember to measure everything by your need to love a woman. That's your main thought, your main criteria for everything. Okay?"

"Is that what you did?" I asked.

"Oh, honey, you bet I did. My parents weren't so much eating up the priest's words as yours were, so they didn't push me, or worry me as yours did, though I knew they wouldn't like knowing I knew I loved women and not men. It was pretty much easier for me than it was for you, but how you must see yourself is the same as I had to see myself. Paula, you and I know what's in us, and no one else does, so they can't live our lives, or make us live as they live theirs. We know about ourselves what only we can know, and that's what we have to live by. See it, hon?"

"I think so," I said, rethinking all she said.

It was true, only I knew what I felt I was, what I knew that I needed. That's why I had gone to drown myself, why I knew I couldn't live anymore, at least not as I was living.

"But how do I do that, live with me knowing myself as I am, and staying that way?"

"You felt that way because you lived with those who made you feel like that, right?" I nodded, and let myself know that I loved how it felt to move against her breast. "If you lived apart from them, with someone you knew didn't feel as your parents do, you wouldn't feel like you could no longer live, right?"

"Yes."

"Paula, did you work someplace?"

"At the church," I said, a sadness coming over me as I acknowledged how bound up my life was with home and church.

"So you tried to distance yourself from home and church because they were your world, huh?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"Are you at church or home now?" she asked, but somehow, the way she said it so lightly, I knew she was smiling.

"No," I said, almost knowing what she would say next, that all I had to do was to stay away from home and church.

"No you're not—you're here with me, and here you can stay until you feel you want to go somewhere else. See? No need in drowning yourself, okay?"

That surprised me, as well as sent a sensation of joy through my body, and my mind too.

"Can I really?" I sensed I wanted to beg her to say I could.

"Sure, hon, if you want to. I'd love to help you."

Her words were much loved by me, made me feel good, and more, accepted, but I wondered why Liv would help me, what she wanted, though I felt some guilt at thinking that. Still...

"Liv, why do you want to help me?"

"Hm, good question, but an easy one to answer. You're like me, a lesbian, and we're treated like crap, like we're undesirable, not needed, not wanted pieces of so much garbage, but why? Because some churches, some men, say that's how we should be treated. When I made love with a woman, really made love with her, and was at her pussy—her vagina—it was heaven to me. Now if I felt that making love with a woman was heaven, and she felt it too, who was I hurting, who were we harming?

"A woman who loves a man, and has him with his penis in her, and loves it, who is she hurting, who is she harming? The answer is nobody, and when women love each other, the answer is the same. Neither is hurting nor harming anyone. Only churches and some men say that we are harming someone, but they can never point out a person we are harming, only their ideas, how they think things should be.

"Honey, you're a sister, a lesbian like me, and they are telling you that you are hurting, harming someone, something, but you're not, not anything other than an idea that they have. That makes for a reason to sympathize with you, and more—much more—to empathize with you. It's not right, they're not right, and none can really point to anyone being harmed other than their particular sensibilities. You know you have a need that is naturally in you to love a woman. How dare anyone tell you that what you know is in you shouldn't be there. That's ridiculous. If God made you, then he made you as you are, and you know how you are, so how can they say that God made a mistake? See what I mean, and more, did I answer your question?" she said, and all of it quietly, but with a passion I'd never heard before, a passion from deep within her being.

I was lost for what to say other than to nod my head.

"Did you love whoever you were with?" I asked without realizing I was going to ask it.

She smiled. "I thought I could, that we would fall in love, but it didn't last. She moved away, and that was it. And yes, I was sorry she left."

"Was it really like heaven when you made love to her?" I had to ask, to know.

"Oh, honey, it sure was. Have you ever kissed anyone that you really liked and wanted to be with, or thought you might want to be with?"

My heart dropped at that, and so did the countenance on my face. No, I had never kissed anyone other than my mother, and maybe my father, but I couldn't remember it if I did. Shaking my head, I felt some tears escape me.

"Oh, honey, I'm sorry. My god, no wonder you felt so cooped up. It must have been like a prison where you were fed well, and otherwise taken good care of, but never allowed to really live. I hate that happened to you."

The tears that escaped me became as a raging river.

"I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to make you cry, but at least you're getting it all out of you."

Clinging to her, I did let my tears run as they would, sorrowing that Liv had just said how my life truly had been, how I had never voiced it to myself, hadn't dared to allow myself to think it. Yes, I had to admit that it was like living in a prison where I was simply kept alive, but not allowed to truly live, at least not as Liv had.

"Listen, we can lay here as long as you want to if this is what you want, but I have to warn you that we humans, lesbians included, die without coffee or breakfast. Well, maybe we can do without breakfast, but I don't think we can live without coffee. How about you, do you drink coffee?"