Liv's Legacy: Paula

"Yes, but I guess we do need food more than anything, huh?"

"That's a matter of opinion, but you may be right. I'll have to think about it," she laughed. "Come on, hon, let's see what we can scare up for ourselves. We can talk some more as we do, okay?"

"Yes, okay," I said, my silly crying stopped, Liv making me smile at how she talked, the way she expressed herself so easily. She had me feeling as if she could probably do no wrong, or say anything and it be the truth. That was dangerous, I knew, but she had that effect on me.

Dressed, and having coffee on, we sat at her kitchen. From what I saw, her house wasn't that small, but I did see that she had lots of books, at least by my standards.

"Is she the only one you ever loved?" I asked out of the blue. I was very curious about Liv, she made me feel so at home with her.

"Sort of, I guess, depending on how you look at it. I'm an old fashioned girl, and I want some romance, some permanency, a home with a lover that I love to come home to. No luck so far, just a couple of maybes that didn't pan out. Still, the sex was good, sometimes pretty spectacular. It can be that way, you know. It's something you only know if you try it, that is, if you really do want to be with a woman."

"I do. There's no doubt in my mind or in my heart. Men don't interest me that way, or much of any way, excepting as a parent maybe."

"It's been hard on you, but you can make things better for yourself. Then again, all you may find is heartache. In love, there are no guarantees, but that's the way it is for heterosexuals too, at least by the divorce rate."

"I've never met anyone like you, Liv. You make everything seem possible, even that I may live and not feel as I did."

"You can, honey. Never doubt it, but you must always remember what I told you to hold as the most important thing in your life, and that's to know what you are, and to be that way, and not let anyone tell you that you have to be this or that. When people try to make others as they think they should be, all they do is to make people miserable, or robotic, and definitely uncreative as they can be. In everything you do, or someone wants you to do, compare it to what you know you are, and if it's good, or okay, then do it, if not, then don't do it unless it means you'll stay alive until you can better your situation. You know, like taking a temporary job while looking for a better one that suits you more."

If I say that Liv was amazing, I wouldn't be telling the truth. Never had I heard anyone like her, but then how could I if I saw myself as she rightly saw my life so far—a prisoner doing as told or else. Though I had no idea of the 'or else' part of it, I know that I never, ever thought of not doing as I was told, at least not openly. However...

"Liv, but I'll still go to hell," I worried, and felt the rush of pain and sadness engulf me, as well as tears starting to come again, and my heart felt the too familiar tightening as if a weight was suddenly on it.

"Paula, let's take this a step at a time. Will you work with me on this?"

"O—okay," I said. If she said anything, I knew I'd listen. Why? Just because I trusted her, odd as that was to say and feel.

"If you had succeeded last night, and drowned yourself, what would God say about that?"

Quickly, my head hung low. There was no hiding from that. "He'd not like it," I barely said aloud.

"A sin worthy of hell?"

Sadly, I nodded. "Yes, I think that's true."

"So, you were going to hell anyway you look at it, but sooner, huh?"

Once more, I nodded, and said nothing, but felt a few tears slide out.

"Okay, so any time you have now is a bonus to you, right?"

"Huh?"

"It's time that you aren't in hell."

"Oh. Yes, I guess so."

"Okay, your hell is in your future so you have nothing to lose now, do you? I mean, what can be worse than going to hell forever, and immediately, right?"

"Yes," I said, my voice dragging with my sorrow.

"So what if I told you that it may not be so? If I said that, do you think, since you're postponing going to hell anyway, you'd give me a chance to prove it? I mean, what have you got to lose. Hell would still be hell no matter what, so why not listen, especially if there's a chance it may not be so?"

My fear was so powerful in me as it had been for years, and I didn't want to think about what she said, but I forced myself to consider her words, and I had to admit that it was true, I was heading for hell anyway, so I didn't have anything to lose. Since I trusted Liv, and loved being around her, why not listen? If I did, then maybe...

"I'll listen," I said at long last.

"Okay, so what bible do you use in your church?"

"The King James," I said, wondering why she asked that.

"That's what I thought you might say, and that's good because I have one handy. I'll go over one thing with you, and then we'll fix ourselves some food. You were right I think, we do have to eat. Oh, tell me, how does your church view the bible? Do they take it as stories, or as every word the word of God, and perfect?"

"It's the word of God. It's what we go by."

"What they call the inerrant word of God, huh? What it says has to be right?"

"Yes, that's right. Our preacher always quotes from the bible to show that what he preaches on is what God wants us to do. Do as the bible tells us."

"Now if I can show you one thing right away to show you that this isn't true, and use only the bible itself to prove it, would you believe me then when I say that you have a chance because what they've told you may not be true? Would you believe it?"

"Well, y—yes. I'd have to. I mean...yes, I would," I said firmly. God's word was in the bible, and I'd always believed it, and my heart and mind told me I always would. Why did Liv say that? It had me worried.

She went off and came right back with a bible.

"See, King James. Now open it to Genesis, chapter 6, see what it's about, then read verses 19 through 21. When you've read them, let me know."

Feeling confusion, as well as wondering, I hesitated, then found it as she told me, and read it.

"Yes, I read it," I said, and wondered how this could be used to prove anything but what everyone knew, even those who didn't go to church. Noah was to put two of every animal in the ark.

"Two of each kind of animal, huh?"

"Yes, that's what it says. Everybody knows that," I said too quickly, wondering how it was that Liv might not know it.

"And that's God's truth, and your church, and what you learned from them believe, and anything else isn't so, right?"

"Tha—that's right. It says it plainly," I said with the certainty of having known that since I was a child.

"And now if I show you that it's not quite the truth, and from the bible, will you believe me, more, truly believe what the bible does say?"

"Ye—yes, I guess so."

"Okay. Now honey, believe your eyes, and what they tell your mind that they're reading. Look at the next chapter, 7, and read it, but pay very close attention to verses 2 and 3, okay?"

How could she ask me to do that? How could she be so wrong? Had I trusted her when I shouldn't have? Oh, dear God, no. I wanted to cry, and looked at her with my sad and unbelieving eyes, and saw her nod to the bible. Turning my head to read it, I did, and saw what she meant, especially those two verses.

Looking up at her, I couldn't believe it. Looking again at the bible, and making sure it was the King James bible, though I felt shame at doubting Liv so openly, I looked back up at her, my mouth open, and my mind swirling, confused, feeling lost enough so I thought I would faint.

"It's true, honey. It says seven of each clean pairs, and one of each of the unclean ones. Which is true?" she asked, her voice gentle, tender even, her hand reaching out to touch one of mine. "Doesn't it say that?"

All I could do was to nod my head slowly, still wondering at it. How could this be?

She got up, and went again to find two more bibles, a New Revised Standard Version, and a Catholic one. Both said the same thing when she showed it to me.

"It's one of the reasons that priest shouted vile things to me. He couldn't refute it, so he did the only thing he could, and that was to get angry and accuse me of god only knows what all. When you catch them, they all resort to screaming at you, and calling you vile names."

I was still numb from it, and couldn't speak yet.

"Honey, as long as you're with me, I'll never lie to you, and if I tell you something is so in the bible, I'll show it to you in the bible as I did just now. And I guarantee you that if you went to your preacher now and showed this to him, he'd most likely be as lost as that priest was; that or he's hiding knowing it. It seems that many, if not most, of these guys aren't that familiar with the bible though, and what it really says. Now can you get a hold of yourself and help me fix us something to eat? I don't want you to die here or anywhere else," she said with the sweetest smile on her lips.

We stood up as I was nodding my head, but I didn't move otherwise. I stared at her for a short while, then I was in her arms, hugging her hard, and crying.

"Yeah, it's hard to believe, but there it is, and much more too, but later for that if you wish to know more. Okay?"

Finally I found my voice. "I'm sorry, Liv. I didn't want to believe you. I didn't, even after I read it all. How can it be? How?" I asked softly as I cried.

"Later, honey, later. For now we have to make sure we live to find out more. Now let's eat. I'm starving. How about you? Hungry?" she grinned as she turned me loose, or I turned her loose.

"Yes, I'm hungry, and thank you," I said, wiping my tears that still hung there.

Chapter 3

"If you're serious about not being able to go back home, then you need to think about whether or not you feel you should let your parents know that you're okay. Who knows, they may have already called the police to report you missing. What do you think about it?"

"I should, shouldn't I?"

"It's all up to you, honey. You're the one who must live your life, and you're the one who should choose how you will live it."

"Should I call or write?"

She smiled. "That, too, is up to you, honey. If you call, it's more personal, but she might corner you to where you don't know what to say, or maybe talk you into going back. If you write, it's less personal, but maybe emotionally safer, and you can't get trapped into answering questions, or made to feel you should return. You are very susceptible at this point, and easily swayed. You know your parents best, so you decide, and just to let you know, I don't envy you doing one or the other."

The smile was gone, but a sympathetic look remained in her eyes. As I thought about it, I knew Liv was right: I was too susceptible, and if my mother talked me into going back, she would for sure tell the preacher, and they would all be praying for me, and making me feel ashamed of what I know is in me. It had to be a letter.

"A letter, I think would be best for me. It would kill me for sure to go back. Yo—you're making me feel that I have a chance to live as I want to—I have to take that chance, and to learn as you have," I said, and looked up with pleading eyes at her to let me know if I made the right choice.

"Will you be telling her the truth about yourself, or will you keep it hidden?" she asked.

"Tell her, I guess. If I don't, she won't know why I left, and it'll worry her. She has to know sometime, I think. What do you think, Liv?"

"I think you're looking at it from as many angles as possible, and that's good. So, if you're going to write her a letter, do it quickly so she doesn't worry too much, or for too long."

I asked for paper and pen; she gave it to me, and I began writing. Liv was right in her thinking, or at least how I thought she was thinking, though I really wasn't sure, so I did tell her about believing I was a lesbian, and had been since before being baptized, and didn't want to shame them as I couldn't hide it anymore. I also told her I was with a friend, and didn't have any needs, which wasn't true. I had no clothes other than what I wore last night. How I would remedy that hadn't come to mind before, but I thought I'd probably have to find a job soon.

Doing as I was took my mind off of what Liv had shown me in Genesis, and I think it gave me time to allow my mind to consider it all, and apparently to accept it. After all, it was in the bible just as Liv said it was. That, maybe more than anything, drove me to be deciding as I was, to stay with Liv for the present. When I was finished with the letter, I didn't put a return address on the envelope.

"How about clothes? Are your parents always home, or away most of the day?"

"Usually, they're both out during the day, but since I'm not there, my mother probably stayed at home waiting on me."

"Okay, so let's go fix you up with some clothes unless you're super fond of what you're wearing. You could wash them every evening and make them to last a while longer, huh?" she said with a mock serious face, then looked at me with playful eyes. She kept making me smile at her.

"Come on, girl, let's see what we can get for you."

"Liv, I—I don't have any money," I protested, suddenly and very painfully aware of my circumstances.

"Hm, yeah, so I guess you'll be a galley slave, and the head cook and bottle washer then. How about that? Ready to be my household slave?" she grinned.

"I'll have to be, won't I?" I said, knowing a huge part of me wanted to be sorrowing, but Liv's face and playful words kept me from it, forcing a smile out of me.

"Don't worry about it, honey. We'll get by, right?" Looking up at her, I slowly nodded hesitantly.

* * * *

I'd been in malls before, but always with my mother. To tell the truth, I don't think she cared for them, but on occasion, she found them useful. All of her feelings that they were too immoral, along with her nervousness that came from feeling as she did about them had translated themselves onto me. The problem with that was that since Liv told me about the discrepancy about Noah, many things were coming up in my mind as possibly not being as they seem, and this uneasiness I was having was automatic in me. That, in turn, had me worrying about affecting Liv.

It was funny how what Liv showed me about Noah was stirring. I was wondering about many things, and all of them briefly—too briefly to consider them properly. How was it that one small thing could move me so much, cause my mind such consternation?

"Hey, does being here bother you, hon?" Liv sensed my discomforts.

"Yes, but I think it's only because of my mother not liking to be in malls. That just came to mind, but I think it's right. She always said they were too ungodly."

"I'll have to confess that I think it's all gone a little too far, but then again, maybe we're just not quite ready for them. They do push sex a lot, like they want you to be tempting all the time. I like being tempting sometimes, but I do think they've gone too far, but that's just my opinion. Then again, it's an individual choice. On the other side, they also try to make everyone feel as if they have to have the latest gadget or they're nobody. But, for our purposes, there's a couple of great department stores where we can fix you up as you like, so that's good. One stop shopping, almost, eh?" she smiled so big it made me smile too.

"Maybe you're right. You have been so far."

"Oh, keeping score, are you?" she said playfully, giving me a sideways look with her smile.

There was a mail box drop and I put the letter to my mother in it, then we went into one of those large department stores, and headed for the lingerie where she had me pick out what I wanted, or was comfortable with. Plain was what I always wore, and plain and as inexpensive as possible was what I picked. Liv didn't make any faces, or try to dissuade me one way or another.

Next was outer clothes, some shorts from the discounted section, along with tops and skirts, as well as jeans, which I didn't wear, but the sale price was great. All-in-all, I had several bags full, and I felt a huge rush of guilt at Liv having spent so much. Of a truth, it wasn't really so much for the total quantity of items. Liv never said a word when I kept going to the clearance racks where I found most of what Liv insisted I have.

Finished, we went to the food court and had a sandwich before we left. It was a rather nice experience save for the guilt I felt, Liv smiling incessantly or no.

* * * *

"Liv, how did you find out about what you showed me about Noah?" I asked once we were back at her home.

She walked to where her books were. "Somewhat like you, it was crammed down my throat that being a lesbian was bad news. Since I knew it was something that just happened in me, that is, I didn't go out and read about it and tell myself, 'Gee, I think I'd like to try that.'. It was just there in me, but I wasn't raised in such a strict environment as it looks like you were, so I questioned why it was supposed to be wrong. I mean, my body demanded a woman, and was repelled by the thought of a man having sex with me."

She laughed. "Remember me saying that one priest called me a bunch of names when I questioned him?" I nodded, and she went on. "Since I thought that I didn't do anything wrong because I felt as I did, I looked into it, and I also looked into the bible, religion, and how it all mixed in. Then a short while later, Proposition 8 started, and I'm still doing my looking, and will probably do it for a long time. It irks the heck out of me the way we get pushed around, and all of their answers just don't make sense. They want you to believe and never question, but then again, there are a lot of beliefs, so I figured, hey, this needs to be looked into."

As I looked at her, and listened to her words, I felt intimidated. Why didn't I have that in me? Why had I never thought to question as Liv said she did?

"Can you tell me how you questioned, or maybe what you found?" I asked her hearing my voice sounding so meek, like a little child wondering why someone had much and I had so little.

"Yes, hon, I can. You'll have to remember that I'm still learning myself, but I have found out enough to know that they're wrong about it, wrong about being a lesbian, that is, and a lot of other things too."

I had a feeling that she would teach me many things. There was an open honesty about her, the way she spoke, how she didn't push me. Even last night when she found me on the beach, she gently led me away from what I was going to do. And more, she still hadn't asked me for anything. She hadn't even tried to make love to me, not that she should want to, but I think she said I wasn't bad looking, or something like that. She was positive about what she knew, but had shown me why, at least so far. I had to learn more, to find out what she knew.

It occurred to me that if she was right, that they were wrong, that I would have killed myself needlessly, and that caused a minor panic in my mind. What if I had succeeded in killing myself and Liv was right in what she said? Surely God would have been very displeased with me. It was an odd thought for me, but I was suddenly having many odd thoughts, and for the first time though that scared me too.

"Uh, do you have to go to work?" I suddenly thought to ask.

"I'm on a kind of sabbatical. Hey, you know what, maybe you can help me on my project. Think you'd like to do that?"

"Yes, but I'm not sure I can. Uh, what is it?"

She smiled again, but as often, with her eyes too.

"Oh, I think you can, aaand," she dragged it out, that lovely smile of hers still playing on her lips, "we can kill two birds with one stone, as the saying goes."

She was being playful, but I was becoming impatient with my need to know what her project was that I could help her with. There had to be something I could do to repay her in part for her kindnesses to me, and I wanted to if I could.