London Loves Ch. 04

"I don't deserve you, really, do I?" Rayne said huskily. His gaze roamed up and down Xavier's tense body restlessly and he shook his head. "I suppose I knew it when I went away and... it was always going to come back to that. I fuck things up, Xav. Everyone... every time I get involved with someone, I manage to fuck up their lives. And even when it's going well, even now when I've been happier than I've felt in years just here with you... I know it's all going to get screwed up and it'll be my fault, because it always is."

Rayne held his hands up before his lover could move or say anything. "I'm sorry... I thought he'd hurt you or bullied you into the photos or something bad like that, and I wanted to do something. But I can't do anything can I? I'm really, really bad at this whole relationship thing, Xavier... and I don't know how to be any different."

Xavier pushed away from where he was leaning and moved to him at once, lifting his hands to his shoulders and caressing lightly along the back of his neck.

"My life was way fucked up before I ever met you," he said, a sad little smile pulling his lips. "And there are people that suck way worse at the relationship thing than you, believe me." He leaned in and kissed the tip of Rayne's nose.

Rayne moved against him so that their foreheads almost touched and he could feel Xavier's warm breath, a little too quick on his skin. He lifted his eyes to look up into Xav's clear baby-blues.

"I still don't deserve you," he whispered, pushing up onto his toes slightly to touch his lips to Xav's mouth. "Do you forgive me?"

"If I forgive you can we still go make up in bed?" Xav asked with a small grin.

Rayne pretended to think about it for all of a couple of seconds. Then he snagged an arm around Xav and caught him between the legs, hauling the blond up over his shoulder and carrying him unceremoniously back through the lounge and along the corridor, into the bedroom where the duvet was still rumpled from their morning passion.

Xavier laughed when Rayne tossed him down on the bed and then proceeded to show him very thoroughly that he was forgiven, several times.

Afterwards they lay twined around each other, naked and damp and spent. Rayne was on his back and Xavier curled to his side, tucked under his arm, a small contented smile on his face. They lay like that together for quite a while and then Xavier turned his head, resting his chin on the back of his hand where it lay on Rayne's chest and looked up at him.

"What's bothering you?" he asked softly.

"What makes you ask that?" Rayne countered cagily.

"Come on, Ray..."

"It's nothing."

"It's something," Xavier said, giving him a look that was hard to read but held a bit of sadness. "If you don't want to talk, it's okay. But, I know something is wrong. I can feel it. You've been off with me since the other day when you went to Dominic's. I just want you to know... to know that you can talk to me, if you want to."

Rayne tilted his head in the nest of pillows to peer down at Xav, the little sheen of moisture from their energetic tumbling already beginning to aspirate on his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. He stroked Xavier's sweat damp curls and smiled sorrowfully.

"Can't hide much from you can I?" he sighed. "That's gonna be a ball ache."

His smile said that he wasn't serious but the tenderness in his eyes added that, yes, there was a problem. He was notoriously hard at sharing his feelings and knew it but didn't Xavier deserve to know everything about him if he wanted to get in this deep? But on the other hand, did Xav deserve to have the crap-heap of his past dumped on his pretty head so soon? He cleared his throat and let his head sink back into the pillows staring up at the ceiling as he figured out where to start; how much to say.

"I'm going to have go up to Manchester for a couple of days, yeah?" he ventured by way of an inroad. "You're okay about that, aren't you? I mean, it's a bit off for me to leave you here but it wouldn't really help you to come with me."

Xavier looked back at him with serious solemn eyes. "I'll be okay by myself for a while," he said, and then added almost hesitantly. "I know you have things you need to take care of."

That focused Rayne's attention on him for a moment. Not so much what he said, but how he said it. Before he could ask Xav explained; "Dominic said something to me on the train. He warned me that you might be... upset, about things that had happened here before you left. That you might have some things that you needed to attend to. That's all he said though. I told him that if you wanted me to know more then you'd tell me yourself."

Rayne pushed himself up on his elbows not sure if he was more surprised that Dominic had considered breaking his confidence or that Xavier had stopped him. He wriggled back into a sitting position so that Xav had to kneel up to maintain eye contact with him. Gently he reached out, stroking his fingertips along the younger man's cheek as he contemplated how to proceed.

"Xav..." he breathed at last. "He... he was right, it's been a fucking ridiculous year for me. It's amazing really that we met the way we did. So many things could have happened to stop it but they didn't." He lowered his head for a moment, suddenly feeling his heart race at the mixture of emotions raging within him. "I have an apartment in Manchester, did he tell you that? I used to live there, for a couple of years anyway."

Xavier nodded silently, then when Rayne still wasn't looking at him he murmured; "I think he did mention it. And that you've been trying to sell it."

"Yeah," Rayne said quietly. "I can't live there again. Not in that place anyway; which is a shame because apparently it's a nice apartment." He swallowed and lifted his head to face Xav. "I was... I was with someone whilst I was up there, sweetheart. We were lovers, more than lovers... just for a few months."

He let out a shaky breath as the words left his lips as if they franked something he'd only hoped was a bad dream until this moment.

Xavier wasn't sure if he was expecting that or not. He supposed not. Rayne hadn't seemed like he was just coming out of a relationship when they met, but then sometimes it was hard to tell. People reacted differently to things. Xav licked his lips lightly, a sense of foreboding suddenly shivering down his spine. He almost didn't want to ask, but he made himself.

"What happened? You... you broke up?"

Rayne's hand moved to his face and he rubbed his eyes, rubbed his forehead as if it hurt to think. He shook his head.

"He... he died," he said in a voice so small that it was almost a whisper. "Nearly a year ago. A year ago this Friday. Some cunt broke into his house, walked into his bedroom, shot him in the back and... he died."

The words fell from his lips like some kind of mantra. Though he saw the scene in front of his eyes as he spoke it, still it seemed unreal somehow; detached from him like a sequence of stills from an old movie. He wanted to cry but there were no tears left. The lump in his throat felt like iron though and the hurt closed cold fingers around his neck, choking him slowly.

Xavier sat by his side motionless and silent for several long moments, that eerie sense of foreboding not going away for all that it had been confirmed that something horrible had happened. There was more to it, Xavier was almost sure that wasn't where the story ended, but he didn't have the heart to press Rayne on it. Instead he very gently slid his arms around his beautiful boyfriend and pulled him into his embrace, pressing his lips softly to his temple and just held him.

"Baby, I'm so sorry..." he whispered into the silk of Rayne's hair.

"You've nothing to be sorry for." The kiss seemed to thaw the cold sense of shock that had briefly wrapped around Rayne, threatening to strangle the life out of him. He looked into Xavier's eyes very solemnly. "I'm the one that should be sorry. I told him there was someone in the house but he was so sure... so sure that no one could get in if he didn't let them. I should have made him stop, made him check..."

He cleared his throat again, expelling a small, incredulous huff of breath.

The pain and cold Rayne felt seemed to seep out of him a little and touch Xavier's heart with thin icy fingers. The expression 'I feel your pain' was, for Xavier, quite literal, especially around Rayne. His bright blue eyes shimmered with emotion and he stroked a tender hand soothingly over his lover's back.

"You were with him when he was shot?"

The vampire nodded, expressionless. His emotions were everywhere though. For almost twelve months he must have believed he could close it down, shut the feelings away where they wouldn't touch him but saying those words unlocked the door that kept them hidden, safely out of sight and mind. He still could not clearly remember everything that happened on that fatal night. A part of him wanted to believe that he had imagined it all, that he'd maybe had some kind of breakdown and Kevan had not been able to handle it; had gone away for both of their sakes.

He knew it was not true though. When he closed his eyes and thought of that night all he saw was blood. His fangs extended involuntarily at the memory and he turned his head away, sickened by it.

Xavier was quiet for a long moment. He had begun this tentative enquiry with the intention that he would not push, that he would let Rayne set the pace for how far and how deep he wanted to go. But now... now Xav thought he sensed something that he was intimately familiar with. The memories Rayne had of that time wore away at him; weighed him down, becoming a burden he carried around with him. Xavier thought he maybe wanted to purge some of that poison inside but he wouldn't do it unless someone gave him a little pressure.

He lifted his hand and gently took Rayne's chin, turning his head back to look deep in his eyes.

"What happened then?" he asked, his voice still very gentle and coaxing.

But Rayne just shook his head again, the words were choking him. He felt tears well up in his eyes, tears he had not been able to weep when they prised him away from Kevan's body and the nightmares began. Mortified, he pulled away, more forcefully this time. His eyes slid shut and long lashes caught the salt offerings like brief, shimmering jewels before he cupped his face in his hands, swallowing down the crippling sorrow furiously until he could breathe without sobbing out loud.

When he lifted his head his eyes were red, not merely bloodshot but red as fresh blood. The whites were scarlet, the beautiful green of his irises black as midnight. His fangs bared in a little snarl but Xavier could feel, even through the initial fear, that he was in no danger. Rayne's anger was directed inward. He was more dangerous to himself than anyone living.

Xavier did not pull him back but did not move away either, simply holding his place patiently. He wanted to ask again what had happened when Rayne's lover had been shot. His instinct was to force it out of him, make him share some of that heavy load so maybe he could start to heal, but another part of him was afraid to press him so hard; afraid Rayne would reject his help and push him away. The fear won out, for now. He closed his fingers around Rayne's, rubbing his thumb lightly over the back of his hand.

"Are you sure you want to go alone?" he asked, clearly worried now about Rayne going back on his own to deal with things after such traumatic circumstances.

"There's something I need to do," Rayne said hoarsely. He still could not meet Xavier's eyes, ashamed of himself for the emotional episode but also unable to tell him the whole truth. "It wouldn't be right to... I need to do it on my own, Xav. Do you trust me?"

Now he looked up, finally, seeking the truth in his lover's sorrowful blue eyes, his own once more clear. Xavier looked back at him unflinchingly and he answered slowly; "Yeah, I do. I trust you, Rayne."

He wondered if his lover knew just how rare a statement that was for him. He'd learned suspicion early and it had stayed with him. In fact, at that moment, Rayne was the only person in the world he truly trusted.

He lifted Rayne's hand and turned it, kissing his palm and nuzzling there for a moment. "Do you trust me?"

Rayne took his hand, pressing the backs of Xavier's clever fingers to his lips and then to his cheek. He took a quick breath, then another.

"Sometimes I think you're the only one I can trust," he whispered at last. "Don't let me down, Xav. Please don't let me down. Not yet."

Xavier leaned close and slid his arms around Rayne again, holding him tightly and burying his face at the crook of his neck.

"Not ever!" he promised. "Even if we fight sometimes, even if we scream and yell and act stupid and totally fuck up, I still couldn't ever hate you and I won't ever try and hurt you."

Rayne kissed him long and hard then, pulling him close, immersing himself in Xavier's warmth and knowing just from that contact that his words were spoken from the heart.

"I will come back," he promised when their lips parted briefly. "I just have to do this on my own. I need to end things properly."

Xavier nodded in wordless understanding. He would worry about Rayne while he was gone, but he knew some things you just had to do on your own. That seemed to be enough for his lover. Rayne curled around him and held him tightly as they snuggled together on the bed.

It was comforting to have someone to hold, the vampire thought. The comforting warmth of Xavier's body helped to drive off a little of the chill he felt descending whenever he thought of returning to Manchester. It was like having his own little sun to revolve around and the idea of that brought some consolation, and even a shaft or two of summer sunshine to the winter of his aching heart.

That delicious heat warmed him slowly, right through. He knew that there were dark shadows to confront in the weeks to come but here and now, in this comfortable bed in a room where the darkness had never reached him, he was able to shut it out and immerse himself in Xavier's sunlight. His cold hands moved restlessly back and forth over his lover's body, just sucking up the sweet flames that he could practically feel rising from Xav's skin, flowing out, seeping into the flesh and muscle and sinew of his hands and arms, flooding down into the bones, until he virtually glowed with that inner fire himself.

"You are amazing, do you know that?" he murmured, tilting his head to touch his lips whisper-soft to Xavier's mouth.

They had only just finished having some pretty amazing sex, but both the huskiness in Rayne's voice and the bitter memories he had just shared seemed to seep intimately into Xavier's skin, reaching down inside and making him shiver. He slid his arms around Rayne's neck, pulling him closer, returning the soft kiss with another, deeper one. He took a breath, almost letting what his heart was feeling slip out in words, but holding them back at the last minute and kissing Rayne passionately instead. If he had to go alone Xavier wanted to make sure he had a sweet memory to take with him

If Rayne was exhausted from the morning's fun and games it didn't show. He spent a little while just lipping tenderly at Xavier's mouth and then suddenly rolled up and onto him, kissing deliberately harder, whilst his hips rocked in a slow rhythm like the ocean, pushing their bodies together. He rubbed himself against Xav very eagerly, stiffening for him in spite of all the other concerns crowding his mind. Somehow being with his lover like this just drove any other considerations out of his head. It was like a magic spell erasing the dark things from his thoughts.

Xav's hands roamed slowly down Rayne's back while they kissed, his fingers tracing lightly up and down the lean musculature and the bony knobs of his spine, sliding sensually over the wings of his shoulder blades as they moved under his palms. Heat started to pool back into him, stirring his arousal, stiffening his sex, making him moan softly.

He bent a knee, sliding his inner thigh up the outside of Rayne's leg, lifting his hips to meet him as they rubbed together slowly.

"So...you liked those pictures, huh? They got you turned on?" he teased Rayne, wanting to lighten the mood slightly, and finding also that he was sort of turned on by Rayne's reaction.

"Mmmhhh..." Rayne purred, already very aroused by the way that his lover's little moans and gasps shivered through his blood and bones and made one particular bone stand up very proud indeed. His hands moved down Xavier's spine now, caressing the silk of his skin, the hardness of the muscle beneath. Until meeting the dancer he'd not even realised that it was possible to feel the muscles in someone's back like this but Xav was simply firm all over, beneath the supple covering of his flesh. It was beautiful to touch, like running his hands over a warm, living, beautiful sculpture. "Almost as turned on as you're getting knowing I'm turned on by them," he added, determined not to be ribbed without giving some back.

Xavier's chuckle was a warm, silky, almost dark sound as he conceded the point. He could not very well deny it when the proof was pressing up into Rayne's belly so firmly. He hooked his leg up over Rayne's flexing backside, tilting his hips more, inviting him deeper.

"If you ask nicely I'll re-enact that scene for you, only better," Xav promised.

"You are a very bad boy, I knew there was something that I liked about you," Rayne chuckled, his own voice growing thicker and deeper at the thought of those particular images, the ones where his mate was sprawled on the tangled bedsheets, his hand sliding lower and lower until it was gliding enthusiastically up and down over the rigid projection of his gorgeous cock, oblivious to the camera; or at least, apparently so. "Touch yourself for me, sweetheart. Show me how you like it."

Xav's eyes looked up at Rayne half closed, teasing, his lips curled in a deliciously coy little grin, but he did not hesitate a moment to send his hand caressing down his lean torso. His long fingers played lightly over his own hard flesh, just letting the pads of his fingertips skate lightly up and down his shaft at first. His other hand toyed absently with his nipple.

His cock head was already oozing a slow drip of clear precum and Xav touched it with one finger, circling around the silky skin there. He shivered almost delicately and then curled his fingers around his stiff prick, giving a slow stroke up and down.

"Mmmm-uhhh..." he moaned softly, letting his one leg fall to the side, opening him up wider for Rayne's eyes and his body.

Rayne shuddered with need as he watched the younger man gently exploring the sensitive tip of his glans. His mouth watered at the sight and scent of his aroused lover beneath him and as Xav began to fist his cock gently he knelt back between the blond's legs and dipped his head, touching his lips and tongue to the glistening peak of his engorged penis, licking the little jewels of moisture up greedily. Then he rolled forward again, briefly pressing his salty lips to Xavier's mouth in an appreciative kiss.

"You are so-o fuckin' delicious," he whispered hoarsely. "Jack it harder for me now, sweetheart. Show me how good it feels."

"Ooohhh..." Xav exhaled, his lips parting around a little gasp and his eyes darkening.

Rayne's smoky voiced suggestion seemed to drip pure erotisim into Xavier, shivering down his flesh, flowing into his veins, and throbbing in his hard cock. His fingers tightened on his stiff pole, moving more firmly, stroking a little faster. The edge of his index and middle fingers tugged the looser skin up slightly, bumping up over the ultra sensitive frenulum and back down, again, and again.