London Loves Ch. 10

All of this went through Xavier's head in a rising tide of temper until he reached the bedroom they'd slept in last night and slammed the door behind him.

Rayne watched him go, frozen by his anger and disbelief, his pale gaze fixed on the doorway into the hall until they all heard the bedroom door slam upstairs. Then the little vampire rounded fearlessly on Gabriel.

"Thank you!" he growled sarcastically. "Thanks for that, Gabe! You've got a really, fucking, great big mouth, do you know that? I know you've no time for me, but that was below the fuckin' belt!"

"True though," Gabriel Arden said, unapologetically.

"Gabe!" Dominic warned him. "Shut up now."

Briefly the mortified vampire looked from the mortal to his wolf with blatant disgust in his eyes, then he stalked out of the kitchen. He broke into a run as he reached the hallway, following Xavier's angry traces up the stairs and down the long, illuminated landing until he reached the implacable barrier of their bedroom door. Coming to a halt there he lifted his hand to knock but let it fall again. In truth he hadn't expected Xav to fly off the handle like that. His lover knew that there were other men in his life and he had always been pretty cool about it before. Did it make that much of a difference to him that this time it wasn't, strictly speaking, a man? Or was it something else that was bothering him?

He sagged heavily against the door and sank down to the ground outside, feeling his spirits plummet. Just an hour ago he thought that he had finally discovered how to be happy. Now he was not so sure that he wanted to go through all the highs and lows of a committed relationship again. The deep wound left by Kevan's murder still ached and he was not ready to face up to that level of loss again. Not yet.

He leaned his cheek against the warm, unvarnished wood of the door and quietly called; "Xavier? Are you pissed off with me? Can we talk about this?"

Xavier yanked the door open so fast that Rayne almost fell inside.

"Why do I always have to find out everything about you second hand?" he demanded. "You get off on letting other people humiliate me with how much I don't know about you, or what? I've never expected you to spill your guts and tell me every little thing that's ever happened to you, Rayne. I get the whole 'trust issues' thing, but if you're gonna keep shutting me out of the rest of your life, don't tell me things like I'm important to you or that you trust me, okay? If you don't trust me enough to tell me anything about yourself, then... fine!"

"I'm not deliberately shutting you out, Xavier," Rayne said atonally, gripping the doorframe with both hands and leaning into it, but coming no closer. He could feel how hurt, and furious, and desperately confused his lover was and he knew that was probably, no... scrap that... it was absolutely his fault. But he couldn't figure out how he was supposed to make it better.

"Really? It sure seems that way to me!" Xavier shook his head, trying to calm down but the anger and hurt inside just kept bleeding and he couldn't seem to shut his mouth now. "The first person you called when we got to London was your ex, only you didn't tell me who he was, or that he still had a key to your place, or that he's also a vampire, oh, and that you're still fucking him. I think I handled that pretty fucking well. Then, you forget to tell me, oh by the way, the emo brat on the front step, he's my kid. Okay, fine, I rolled with that surprise too. I accept that maybe you just didn't have time to let me in on that one before you went to Manchester.

"Speaking of which, do you know how fucking hard it was to sit back and let you go deal with the things you had to deal with up there, all alone, when I wanted to be there for you? But I guess you didn't need me there when you had your girlfriend or wife or whatever the fuck she is to console you, huh?" Xav said bitterly. "Now I get to find out from a virtual stranger about your fetish for big and furry, and even though it's not as big a fucking deal as Gabriel hoped it would be, I'm sure, it would have been nice to hear it from you before we came out here. I'm not exactly the judgmental type when it comes to personal kinks, you know.

"Not one of those things would have pissed me off, Rayne. Not the ex, not the kid, not the woman, and not that you apparently prefer someone bigger and stronger in bed. The only thing that pisses me off is, you think you gotta hide it all from me."

Rayne opened his mouth a couple of times to try and get a word in edgeways during that tirade but Xavier was too fast for him. The accusations flew like daggers and by the time his mate stopped for breath the vampire in him was beginning to see red again. He could just about get his head around Gabriel's taunting, because the furball didn't know any better, but to get it in the neck from Xav as well was just a bit much.

He leaned into the doorway, bracing his hands against it, gripping tight because he wanted to punch something right now and that would not be a good move. All the feelings of tranquility from earlier in the afternoon had deserted him in the face of Xavier's burgeoning rage. And yes, maybe he was right that Rayne didn't tell him everything, but there were some things that you couldn't just come out and say, not even to someone you thought you might have started to trust with your heart.

"First off, I don't have a fetish for 'big and furry' as you put it. That's all in Gabe Arden's warped head," he snapped back tersely. "Thanks for taking his opinion as fucking gospel on that one. That really makes my day. And secondly; I don't have a fucking girlfriend! I haven't had a girlfriend since..." He raised his hands then let them fall helplessly, shaking with a sense of righteous anger that had no place to go. "I can't remember when, not for a long time. And even if I had, it's actually none of your fucking business, Xavier. What's done and in the past is just that, it's done. It has no bearing on what I do or feel now, don't you understand that? So if I decide I want to share my fucking burden with you, you'll know about it! If I decide! Why is it so important to you to know every damned, sordid detail of my fucking life anyway? I just don't get that. You just can't keep your nose out of anyone else's business, can you? If you're not cosying up to Clint or gossiping like a teenager with Lady Warren you're getting UC&P with that fuckin' mongrel down there and it makes me sick!"

Rayne caught his breath, knowing as he did so that he'd said far too much and already wishing he could rewind and edit himself before the shit hit the fan. He felt himself falling like a fragile glass dropped from the lip of a high table. He saw it in slow motion, that interminable tumble from grace, seeming to take forever to hit the floor and shatter into a thousand pieces. He wanted to catch it, to stop it happening but he knew it was much too late. Instead he turned away, biting down on his lips so that he would not have to see the train-wreck of his life smash into the buffers again.

Xavier stood there like he'd been slapped, despite Rayne having controlled that urge at least. He was still hot though, Rayne yanking out all the flaws in his reasoning not having helped ease his temper any. The hell of it was, Rayne was at least half right. Xavier didn't have any right to expect him to share any details of his life. He'd made it very clear that just because he'd invited him home it didn't mean anything more than that he liked having him convenient. Their lives were still separate, and he hadn't made him any promises.

"I didn't ask for every detail!" Xavier shot back, although it was lacking some of the venom he'd been feeling a moment before. "I just thought... I just want... to be part of your life, too," he finished, much more quietly than he'd begun, the terrible hurt he felt was seeping through the angry words now. He hated the way that sounded, so needy and helpless, and Rayne already thought he was that. He figured that he'd gone and done it again, pushed too hard, asked for too much. Why couldn't he ever learn?

If Rayne was like a precariously balanced glass ready to fall off the ledge, then for Xav that ledge was crumbling out from under him.

Rayne felt the accusation like a barb in his flesh and he actually winced at the cruelty of it. Until that moment it had never truly occurred to him that Xavier might feel left out in any way. He accepted that he was not used to sharing his space long term with someone else but he'd not really figured that he was isolating Xavier to that extent so his reaction was maybe a little harsher than Xav deserved.

"You aren't a part of my fuckin' life?" he snapped, shaking his head incredulously. "What the fuck d'you think this is all about, huh? Why are we here if you're not a part of my life? What the fuck reason would I have for spending my weekend hanging out with that mangy furball downstairs if I didn't fuckin' well have to? Well?"

He slapped his hands against the doorframe again, pulling himself up short once more, holding back the impulse to strike out because, god damn it, he wasn't so much mad at Xavier as he was with himself. When they came back from Italy he'd just about convinced himself that he could be with Xav; that they could be a proper couple and it would all be fine because they were good together and all that shit, but now he was beginning to figure that he'd been kidding himself all along. The reason he was alone was because he fucked up every relationship he touched. It had been true before he fled to America and it was still true now.

Damn it all to fucking hell!

Xav didn't have an answer for that, other than the obvious one, but he still clung defensively to his anger because now he felt stupid on top of everything.

"So you're telling me Gabe's wrong? You don't really want someone that can overpower you, do that to you..." he said, waving a hand at the faint tracery of scars on Rayne's chest as proof enough that Rayne did in fact want just that. Xav's expression hardened against the pain that wanted out at the thought that he was going to lose Rayne because he couldn't be what he really wanted. "Am I just an experiment for you? Or is it just you felt sorry for me?"

"Why the fuck should I feel sorry for you?" Rayne wanted to know, neatly sidestepping the issue of what he did or did not want in bed for the time being. His memories of the night that he earned those scars was still hazy and for now he resisted anything that would bring them back into sharper focus. Being around Gabriel Arden brought up the physical recollection of rough, warm fur against his naked back and thighs though. It made him shiver with a primal need that also left him feeling slightly nauseous. What the hell was he? When Xavier had come home with him he'd almost allowed himself to feel normal in the younger man's company but now he was less certain.

Xavier took an involuntary step back as Rayne moved closer to shout at him without having seemed to notice.

"Why should I feel sorry for you?" The vampire asked again. "You clearly don't need my help. I mean you're doing fine on your own, aren't you? Just fuckin' peachy!"

They squared off for a moment then, each bristling with their own private anger and hurt.

Xav dropped his eyes first. His heart felt like it was trying to hammer its way out of his ribs and there was a tight painful knot lodged in his throat.

"Are you married, Ray? Is that what the ring and the dress are? Why you keep so many secrets?" he asked in a whisper husky with emotion.

Rayne blinked at him for a second or two, not comprehending this at all. Generally they younger man was pretty good at working him out but sometimes, just sometimes, Xavier surprised him by getting him so wrong that he questioned himself. This was one of those times.

Married? He was sure he would have remembered that. No, that was not it at all. Focus!

"Xavier..." he exhaled, all the fight temporarily stunned out of him. "I'm... No, I'm not married. No woman is crazy enough to take that on. Um... Kevan my ex, had the ring made for me. A kind of... well... y'know. What do people give one another rings for? He wanted people to know I was with him."

Xavier's eyes came up again slowly, cautiously tasting the truth of those words. He looked so wary, like he was expecting Rayne to say or do something cruel, or tell him he'd had enough and was going. Rayne's genuine surprise took the wind right out of his sails and just like that the anger was gone, if not the hurt and the fear.

His unguarded expression in that instant spoke volumes about where all this was really coming from. He loved Rayne fiercely, he would do anything for him, and the fear of losing him was a wound far more tender than any of the fading bruises those thugs had left him with. Gabriel may have only been trying to yank Rayne's chain, but he'd inadvertently tapped right on Xavier's worst insecurity. He rarely let it show but somewhere in the back of his head was always the worry that he wouldn't be enough for Rayne, that maybe Rayne didn't really want him so close, but didn't know how to tell him to go. He bit his lip now as the anger flowing out of him left him feeling foolish and weak and he was wondering why he'd gotten so angry to begin with.

"Ray... I'm sorry," he said, reaching for him hesitantly. "I'm sorry, I'm a total idiot. I don't even know why I got so wound up... over nothing."

Rayne stiffened but at the same time that little shiver ran through him, the pleasure of having Xavier so warm, so close. His eyes closed tight and he fought it but he could not pull away. The perverse edge in him that always wanted to fight was being held in check by the long suppressed side of his nature that was still just a child, simply wanting to be held and told that he was brilliant, sparkling, worthy of love.

He lowered his head and in a low tone muttered; "You don't... you really don't need to know about any of that shit. That's all it is. Me and my shit, not important. Not really. After all the grief I give you, if you'd rather be with Gabe I'd understand. He thinks he's a funny guy. He's probably not so fucked up if you can get over the dog-breath."

He looked up quizzically at Xavier, a half smile twisting his lips awkwardly. "I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that."

Xavier took a breath and sighed.

"Maybe I did." He lifted a hesitant hand, brushing the backs of his fingers lightly over Rayne's shoulder. "I don't know what got into me, getting so worked up like that..." He leaned a little closer since Rayne hadn't pulled away from him and kissed the soft skin just below his ear. "...and you already know who I want to be with."

When Rayne turned to face him in the soft golden light of the hallway he looked almost ghostly, his skin so pale that it was practically translucent. His ice green eyes were rimmed with a hungry redness and the trickle of moisture already aspirating on his lower lip where he had bitten himself was little more than a whisper of pink, more colour than there was elsewhere in his face.

"I guess I just don't quite understand why," he responded hoarsely. "When we were in Italy, you told me that I said you weren't good enough to be with me. But I think that was wrong. Xavier, I don't deserve to be with you. I've never been good enough for you and I don't think I ever will be. And it hurts when you believe stuff about me that isn't true, because I always expect you to know what's right about me and what isn't. I convinced myself that you knew me better than I knew myself. And that was wrong, I shouldn't have presumed like that, just because I wanted it to be true."

Rayne lowered his head again with a little sigh, hands hanging limply at his sides, almost too dejected and exhausted to move. The argument had taken the last of his will and he just wanted to lie down and not get up for a long, long time.

Xav sighed again softly and cursed himself for letting his temper run away with him and ruining what had been such a sweet afternoon. He pulled Rayne into his arms though, and closed the door, pulling him over to the bed so they could sit down and talk more reasonably.

"Babe, it's not like I just swallowed some bit of trash talk I heard on the street. You were sitting right there and you didn't say it was bullshit, not in a serious way. You didn't deny it earlier when he said something about your scars either. I don't see what the big deal is anyway, it's not like I believed anything bad about you. If he'd said you were a child molester or something and I bought that shit I could see you getting pissed, but you're the one that thinks of yourself as bad, not me. And you were the one that told me you had a girlfriend," he reminded him.

Rayne actually had the grace to look sheepish at the reminder that he'd personally instigated that little white lie. He knew that he should never make things up, he was notoriously bad at fabricating the truth and invariably those he lied to saw right through him straight away. Having filed the lie away in his head he promptly forgot all about it, but Xavier forgot nothing. He ought to remember that in future.

If they had a future after this.

The vampire lowered his head again, feeling instantly gloomy. During the afternoon as they rolled around in the sunlight together it had seemed such a good idea to come here, and now he was having second thoughts. All this peace and tranquility was giving Xavier the space to think things over and the more he found out, surely, the less enamoured he was going to become of the human train-wreck sitting next to him.

Not even human, his conscience reminded him and he groaned softly at the sudden impossibility of their relationship.

"I was just trying to behave when he started that about the scars," he said carefully. "Dom was sitting behind me all the time and I could feel how his hands got tight on my shoulders every sniping remark Gabriel threw at me, like it was some kind of test. Put up with his shit and win a prize! Jesus! I love Dominic to bits but I can't for the life of me get what he sees in that hairball!"

Now that Xavier's simmering temper had abated, he watched his beautiful lover as he spoke and was able to see and hear more clearly what Rayne so often did. He'd neatly sidestepped actually giving any information while at the same time deflecting the conversation in a different direction. Xav should have recognised it sooner since it was so much a habit of his own that he hardly ever thought about it anymore. He wondered if Rayne even realised he was doing it, and figured probably not.

"Rayne..." Xav paused for a second, obviously picking his words as carefully as Rayne was now. "You are confusing the fuck out of me." He sighed and wiped a tired hand over his eyes. "Okay, I'm gonna tell you what I saw and heard and if you tell me I'm wrong or that you just want me to drop it I will, I promise."

He lifted his hands and slid them into Rayne's shirt, the warmth of them almost shocking against Rayne's cool skin. His fingers pulled down in a light caress over the tracery of scars on his ribcage and down his sides. "You never talk about this, about what happened, and I left it alone because I know you don't want to talk about it, but when Gabe hinted they were made by something other than a human you didn't deny it, you got pissed and stormed out, like it was the truth only you didn't want it brought up. Then he hinted you like werewolves or something like that and... I saw the look on your face Rayne. You weren't just behaving for Dominic. I know that look. I felt what you were feeling, and it wasn't all just angry denial. You felt guilty, and a little turned on. I wouldn't have taken Gabe's word on what he'd said if I hadn't saw that look, felt how you felt, or heard how you said you didn't dream about him exactly.