London Loves Ch. 10

"Then we come up here and you act like I betrayed you for putting two and two together and guessing maybe you do like werewolf sex. If you don't then fine, I'll take your word for it. I just want you to know it wasn't Gabriel that I was believing, it was what I saw in you."

He paused again for a second, looking into Rayne's eyes, which were wide and apprehensive but he didn't reply so Xavier went on.

"When you were unpacking your stuff and tried to hide that dress and panties and things...I shouldn't have snooped and I'm sorry. I've got no right to pry like that. I don't know why you lied and said they belonged to a girlfriend, but I knew you were lying. When you said you don't have a girlfriend just now, even if you did scream it at me, that felt like the truth. So..." He shrugged, letting that line of reasoning go without saying. If the stuff didn't belong to someone else, it had to belong to Rayne.

A couple of minutes ago Rayne had been despondent that he'd been wrong about Xavier knowing what was right about him and what wasn't. He hadn't been wrong. The problem wasn't that Xavier didn't know him, the problem was that he saw through to the truth even when Rayne didn't want him to; even when he was lying to himself.

As Rayne listened to his lover's words, he felt each point drop inside him like a heavy stone tossed into a deep hole; the bottomless chasm of his life so far. He weighed up his options with a leaden heart now. If he told Xavier to back off, he was pretty sure the boy would. He was also sure that his mate would simmer over it for as long as it took him to get pissed off and leave.

And he also knew that he did not want Xavier to do that last thing. If he and Xav went their separate ways, for any reason, he did not want it to be over this, and he could not bear for it to happen right now. Rayne was used to being alone, but he was not sure that he was strong enough to be completely alone just at this moment. Sometimes he just needed someone warm and rational beside him, someone to hold onto. And Xavier was already much more than just that.

"I guess I don't need to tell you that I have trouble expressing myself," he began, awkwardly.

Xavier managed a wan smile in acknowledgement of that. He wondered silently just how it was that someone who could put so much feeling into a simple song lyric, then sing it out loud in front of thousands of strangers, had such trouble admitting to himself how he was feeling, let alone confessing it to others.

"I'm not perfect," Rayne croaked huskily, fighting the constriction in his throat as he picked over the choice of words. "Fuck it, I'm not even sane most of the time! I'm cranky and unpredictable and fucked up and I do really stupid things because... sometimes I can't feel anything and it's not just me shutting things out. I get this vast sense of just how far I am from being properly human, properly alive and I need to feel alive, and real. And I need to feel... loved, but it makes me sick just how much I sometimes need that, so I compensate by letting people love me then pushing them away as hard as I can before I hurt them or... or they hurt me. And that's just the way I am, nothing to do with the vamp thing, I don't know how to be any other way."

He flopped back on the bed staring up at the ceiling as if there were answers written there. "I went through a phase where I thought, for a little while, that I needed to be in charge. I'd spent so long on my back for guys that meant nothing to me. So all my lovers were sub kids, a lot younger than me usually, pretty and inexperienced so they wouldn't give me grief and we'd look good if some twat from the Sun snapped us falling out of a nightclub together, totally wasted. And it worked for a bit, but I started to feel like, like I wasn't really in control. And then I had this blazing row with a friend, someone whose point of view I actually respected. And he told me that I was turning into some kind of coke fuelled monster; that people were actually shit scared of me. So I ripped him off a strip and we didn't talk for a long time, which I totally regret. And during that period I... I kind of backed up... I turned everything in my life upside down. I OD-ed on heroin. It was an accident!"

Rayne looked quickly at Xavier so that he would know that this was the truth. "I've never been suicidal. My mum topped herself, I know how it fucks up the people they leave behind. But I wasn't right in the head and Kris, who owns our record label, he threw me straight in rehab after the hospital let me out. And I just... I don't know how to explain it... I had this kind of weird epiphany while I was lying on the floor covered in my own puke and wishing I'd died.

"When they let me out I still wanted to get wasted but..." He stopped and held up his hand, turning it so that the scars he usually tried to hide under his long sleeves caught the light; a shimmering patchwork of slim, pale stripes and little round burn marks like a dysfunctional noughts and crosses competition had been fought out on the patchwork of his arms and hands. "I used to do this when I was a kid, to remind myself to feel again."

He felt silent, his eyes wandering over the marks on his arm as if he could recall the origin of each and every one. When he did not say anything more, Xavier wondered if he had actually called a halt on the proceedings. He did not interrupt though or say anything stupid like he knew where he was coming from, although he did understand, probably better than most. He'd let Rayne tell it at his own pace if he wanted to.

He slid down next to Rayne and curled to his side, a solid, comforting warmth as Rayne silently examined the scars on his arms. Xavier knew exactly why he did it without him having to explain. He had never self-mutilated, but he'd found other ways to either let out the pain or escape the numbness it caused. He did not like to think about the things he had done.

He kissed Rayne's temple softly, just to let him know he was still there, and maybe pull him up a bit from ghosts of the past. When he didn't respond Xavier caught his hand and brought it to his lips, kissing his fingertips. "You still like pretty young subs that make you look good." He winked at him.

"You're not always my sub," Rayne reminded him atonally, still examining his forearm thoughtfully. His head turned so that he could look into Xavier's eyes now, his expression wary. "Do I... do you ever feel that I bullied you into doing things?" he asked tentatively.

Xavier propped his head on his arm, looking at Rayne with a small smile. "I look younger than I am, remember? I'm not one of those inexperienced kids. If you push me too hard on something I do push back." His smile widened a little at Rayne's expression. "You can get a little high handed sometimes, but I don't let you bully me. If I felt like that I wouldn't be here right now."

Rayne half turned, lying on his side, one hand propped beneath his chin as he studied his mate; so smart and so beautiful. He wanted more than anything just to kiss Xavier and make him forget about all of this. And therein was the danger.

He knew that he could do it. One kiss, and a little bit of psychological pressure and Xavier would do what he wanted. Unless the bites Rayne had given him put him beyond that, and he really did not want to try it out. Jabez could wipe a person's memory faster than they could breathe and he did so without any hesitation, without morals almost.

That set him apart from his rebellious Fledgling, already.

"You're not some wet-behind the ears kid, Xav. I know you can stand up for yourself, that's why I'm here, lying beside you. But I... I know that I forced people to make difficult decisions sometimes in the past. And I worry that I've done the same thing to you, given you no real choices. Everything I've done since I came out of rehab, I've questioned somehow. And the more I ask myself questions, the less I like the answers."

Xavier looked thoughtful for a moment before he spoke again. "Rayne, I don't know what things you're questioning, but...you haven't pushed me into anything. I wanted to be here with you. I still want to be here with you. Even if I get frustrated and blow off some steam, it doesn't mean I'm calling it quits, ok? If you mean you're questioning other things...well, if you want to tell me about it I'll tell you what I think." He held up a hand. "I'm just offering to listen, I'm not pumping you for information... just so you know."

Rayne curled around him, pulling him close and just enjoying the warmth of his body, even if his lover was being doubly careful with him since their brief, fierce slanging match. That in itself was wrong. He could remember being fourteen years old, wary of every word that he said around Brian, careful not to upset his uncle too much because that upset his mum and it all came back down on his head sooner or later.

"You've seen inside me a bit," he ventured tentatively. "You know that I... there are places... places in my past that I still can't go. After I lost my memory those places were locked away from me. But when I went to Manchester something opened a door in my head and I saw something that I wasn't ready to see. And I think that my ex possibly manipulated that a little bit. Not in a malicious way, but to get what he wanted. And the thing that freaked me out about it was that I never saw him doing it. I think I felt a little bit out of step with him sometimes but I never realised what it was that he was doing to me.

"And the thing is..." Rayne held up his hand again and Xavier realised for the first time that it wasn't the scars he was looking at but the dark, platinum and diamond band that had appeared on his finger before they came up here. It glistened in the soft light from the bedside lamp. "I really was starting to believe that I was in love with him. And now I wonder. I actually wonder if I even knew what love was."

Xavier kissed his cheek very softly and slowly stroked his fingers through his silken hair, holding him gently. "I can't say if you did, or didn't Ray... but I do know that just because you love someone doesn't make them automatically perfect. Maybe he wasn't the best for you, but he couldn't have been all bad or you wouldn't have felt like you did, right?"

He was thinking back now to the ghosts of his own past relationships, especially Josh. If ever there had been someone totally wrong for him Josh had been it. He'd lied to him, cheated on him, hooked him on smack, hit him and sold him for drug money...and Xav had been hopelessly in love with him. It might have been a sick and wrong kind of love, but it didn't make it less real.

"I hate feeling manipulated," Rayne responded, a hard little edge creeping into his words now. "Perhaps it's just my conditioning but I feel cheated somehow, like he was subtly making me into something that I wasn't, to suit himself and I just fell for it because I needed it. I needed what he gave me back, that sense of being in control. I needed somebody to be strong for me. There," he said, looking down at Xavier grimly. "Now you know something I'd never admit to anyone. Sometimes I just... I just want to be looked after. Kevan brought out the child in me. I stopped being a child when I was about ten, when my mum and dad split up. And I never admitted it, but it was hard for me."

Xavier looked at him solemnly, his big blue eyes blinking once, slowly.

"That's... that's just unspeakable. My image of you is totally blown. I can't believe you'd ever actually need someone to look after you sometimes." He saw dark storm clouds gathering in Rayne's eyes and quickly cut off and wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close before he could move away. "Babe...everyone wants to feel looked after sometimes, `There's nothing wrong with that, it's no crime. Life dumped a lot of shit on you, if you weren't as strong as you are you wouldn't have survived at all. It doesn't mean you're not strong either, just because you let someone help carry the load once in a while."

He cuddled up close, wrapping his warmth around Rayne like a blanket. That felt so good that for a little while neither of them much wanted to speak or do anything but snuggle up to one another. Xavier could gradually feel Rayne beginning to relax and calm down again. After a short time he went on.

"Kevan manipulating you and you letting him, whether either one of you realised you were doing it... that's not exactly healthy but it's not so unusual either. Why do you think he was playing mind games though? What was he making you do?"

"Ummm..." Rayne said uncertainly. The little light flickered behind his eyes; the one that flashed whenever he was trying to decide how best to avoid answering a difficult question. "It's kind of... sensitive."

Xavier held his wary gaze, looking at him patiently. He wasn't angry or upset that Rayne didn't want to tell him, but he couldn't help being curious. What could he think was so bad? As Xavier looked at him he realised something else, if he'd had more blood in him Rayne would be blushing. So far the things he'd tried to hide from Xav had been because he thought they made him bad, or weak, this he was actually embarrassed about.

A little frown appeared between Xavier's eyes. What had this guy made Rayne do that he was so ashamed of? He was struggling between wanting to know and being afraid to push Rayne on it. He had felt sorry for the man when he heard how he died, but now he wasn't so sure.

"What did he make you do?" he asked again and then bit his lip as if trying to bite back the words that were already out. He couldn't help it; couldn't stop the rise of indignant anger on his lover's behalf as he started to imagine all kinds of perverted things Rayne might have been forced into.

Rayne shook his head. "You'll laugh at me. And I don't think I can stand that, just now. It's so stupid that... I don't even know how I let him talk me into it in the first place, Xavier. I must have been out of my mind. And we did kinkier things, it's just..." He managed a half laugh and hugged Xav to show that he didn't mind him being curious but he wasn't sure how to answer the question. "This really got to me, for some reason."

The crease in Xavier's brow smoothed a bit but he still looked perplexed and a little anxious.

"I wouldn't laugh at you. I don't care what it is, I wouldn't laugh," he said. "You don't have to tell me if it's that hard, but...now I'm worried I might hit a nerve accidentally, if I don't know... since it bothered you so much."

"You can be very manipulative when it suits you, Mizz Gavrilov? Did anyone ever tell you that?" Rayne's nose settled against the tip of Xavier's and he ran his hands slowly up and down his lover's torso, relaxing slightly now that he sensed Xav wasn't going to lose it with him again. It bugged him a little bit still that he felt that way, but not so much as it once might have. "You won't be happy until I have no secrets, will you?"

"I prefer to think I'm focused rather than manipulative," he replied. "For example, I'm not easily led away from things in a conversation, like you keep trying to do." He winked at him.

"I dunno why I put up with you really," Rayne lied, kissing his way along Xavier's jawbone to the lobe of his ear and sucking lightly on it as his fingers wormed under the younger man's shirt. "You're nothing but trouble, and you're always digging for something. Honestly!"

A slow smile curled Xavier's lips as Rayne's hands started to drift and he breathed kisses across his skin. He relaxed and enjoyed the sweetness for a few moments, letting Rayne be lulled by his passive acceptance. When Rayne's lips found his own for a more heated kiss Xavier sunk into it with a soft moan and pushed on his shoulders gently until he lay back and Xavier slid a leg over to straddle him.

Still plying him with warm kisses Xavier slid his hands over Rayne's arms, bringing them up above his head, and then grinned down at him. They both knew there was no way Xav could really pin him but his grin said he wasn't serious anyway.

"Now, tell me all your secrets or I vill be forced to torture you!" he demanded in a very comical German accent. When Rayne just arched a brow at him Xav attacked, diving in to tickle him until he got him to laugh.

Rayne laughed huskily, and the curl of his lips exposed the extension of his tidy little fangs but the glint in his eye was more mischievous than malicious. He pushed against Xavier's hands but not hard enough to dislodge his lover. Instead his hips rose and fell restlessly between Xav's thighs.

"I'll never surrender. You can do what you want to me!" he flashed back in a slightly hysterical falsetto. "Please!" he added, with a cheeky wink.

Xav dissolved into laughter and curled forward to claim his lips in a hungry kiss while he pushed Rayne's shirt off his shoulders and down his arms. "Resistance is futile... I vill have to ravish you now!" He giggled while he tugged at the rest of his clothes.

"Oh God! Not that! I can resist anything but that!" Rayne wriggled out of his shirt sleeves and his hands got to work helping Xavier to peel down as their mouths did silent battle save for the occasional low moan of appreciation.

How they had gone from a tender intimate intensely gratifying afternoon, to screaming at each other, to rolling around like a couple of playful naked otters was beyond Xavier. All he knew was that he was infinitely grateful that that his short burst of hot temper had not cause any lasting damage.

It did not take them long to get naked, although it took a little longer for Xav to cover Rayne with kisses and let his clever tongue tease them both into a state or eager readiness. He spread Rayne's legs and settled between, sliding down to treat his lover to a long, slow, wet, mind melting blow job.

When he had reduced Rayne to a writhing, panting, puddle of need he pulled off of him and moved back up, smiling seductively down at him as he kissed him soundly. He rolled his hips, rubbing his dripping cock against Rayne's hard shaft.

"Are you ready to tell me all your secrets now, beautiful?" he murmured, a soft chuckle humming in the back of his throat.

Rayne leaned back beneath him, writhing up against him playfully, his hands still eternally restless, roaming up and down Xavier's delicious body. He loved to fuck but even he was amazed how incessant they had been together since he came back from Manchester.

"Mmmmhhhhh..." he sighed, pretending to think about it. "You're getting me there. Making me so hot!"

Xavier was kissing and nuzzling along his throat and he nipped him there just a little harder than he usually would have. He was fiercely turned on by their bit of playing too and flashed him a grin. "I just love a challenge! I will wear you down, sweetheart..." he promised, and without warning flipped Rayne over.

Instead of pouncing on him though he smoothed his hands up Rayne's sleek back and let them glide up and down for a while, his thumbs occasionally kneading small circles into tight muscles. He leaned down to pepper his shoulders with little kisses when he reached for the lube, and a wicked little smile curled the corners of his mouth as he pulled out the toy in the drawer as well. Quite an impressive sized vibrator!

"Jesus!" Rayne whispered, a little squeak in the end of his voice and he tried to wriggle around for a better look. "I know Her Ladyship likes 'em hung but that's... that's enough to make even my eyes water!"

He was incredibly hard now, his body still tingling pleasurably from the rough frottage of Xavier's nude body on his own. The look of daring in his lover's big blue eyes was almost enough to make him drool, and not just from his mouth.