Loneliness: Study in Black & White

Alexis Carter returned home from the late shift, turned on the light as she closed the front door behind her, and stooped to pick up the small bundle of letters, mostly bills, from the floor.

She quickly sorted through them and sighed. Today was her thirty seventh birthday and she had two cards. One from her friend Mary who worked with her on the Deli counter of the local supermarket. It was quite jokey with a reference to a sex toy.

She made a note to thank Mary when she next saw her. The other was an impersonal pre-printed card with a kitten draped in tinsel, that was sent automatically to all employees of BetaShoppa. That was it. The sum total of her birthday wishes.

Ordinarily she was quite happy, or at least s happy as someone in her position could be. She had her own little flat, a few friends that she would join at the pub for a drink and a laugh, and most of all, Mary. The flame haired, brash Belfast woman who was her best friend in the world.

But here, now in the privacy of her tiny apartment, just big enough for one was when she was at her lowest. When the little claws of despair started to scratch away at her good mood. When the sheer loneliness began to get on top of her.

She blinked away a tear, "Come on, you silly cow. Buck up!"

Alexis hung her her overcoat on the peg next to the front door and padded through the lounge to her bedroom, stripping her blouse off as she entered her bedroom.

She quickly stripped off the remainder of her clothes down to her utilitarian underwear and pulled her jogging bottoms and a t-shirt from her chest of drawers.

She caught a glance of herself in the full length mirror that adorned the middle door of the built in wardrobe and yet again despaired at her figure. Plump, but by no means obese, she had a full figure that some might call hourglass if she was perhaps a touch thinner around the waist. Her face was attractive, if not what you might call classically beautiful and was framed by her jet black hair styled in a utilitarian and easy to maintain bob cut.

She was just an ordinary woman. If she had anything she was proud of, it would be her legs, slim and long for her 5'6" frame until they met her, some might say Reubenesque, hips. Yes, she decided, her legs were the only things she wouldn't change.

After Alexis had dressed, she slipped on a pair of threadbare house-shoes with pink bunnies on them. Childish, but she loved them. They were the only link to the last time she was truly happy.

Alexis wandered back through her flat and stepped into the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee and selected a microwave meal for one from the freezer.

As she waited for the kettle to boil, her thoughts drifted back in time...

She was the youngest of four children and the only girl. Her father had worked in the steel foundry as did her three elder brothers.

He was a harsh, cold man, who spent Monday to Friday working hard through the days and spent most evenings in the local. Once in a while he would come home drunk, not often, but often enough to instil in her a deep mistrust of drinking.

Bob Carter, when he did come home in that state would always find a reason to find fault with his wife, the house or the evening meal that she had prepared, and that would earn her a black eye or a cut lip.

One day, his wife had enough and walked out, she moved away from the area and went to live with her sister. Alexis never forgave her for that, for leaving her at seventeen years old to take on the role of house keeper for her father and brothers. None of whom had any respect for her.

No chance for romance as any potential boyfriends were warned off in no uncertain terms. Not that she would dream of accepting any offers, she was inexperienced at the social graces, her father and brothers saw to that, and she was shy around men, her only experience of men being the unfeeling cruelty of her immediate family.

When Alexis had 'celebrated' her thirty-second birthday, a date not marked in the calendar of any other member of her family, a police man had knocked on her door. He had arrived to inform her that there had been an accident at the foundry and her father had been killed.

She remembered the sense of relief rather than grief at the news. But it was short lived. The reading of his will informed her that her brothers were to receive the lion's share of his estate.

The sale of the house earned her £2,000 and the clothes she could fit into two small suitcases.

It was also the last time she heard from any of her brothers, none of whom had any further use for her.

As she had no qualifications and no experience, the only job she was able to get was at the local supermarket, one of the BettaShoppa chain on the deli counter, and the only living space she could afford was a small one bedroomed flat above a newsagent on the high street.

The same flat she had occupied for the last five years.

The microwave dinged to inform her that her meal was ready, so she transferred the cardboard lasagne to a plate, made her drink and returned to her armchair in front of the small television in the corner of the lounge. Alexis chewed her food mechanically as she watched the news, before retiring to bed.

As she lay in the darkness of her bed, she pulled one of the pillows to her and spooned into it, imagining it was a man. Someone to share her bed and her life... Such as it was. Once again, she wept silently as loneliness and despair overwhelmed her. As usual, it took Alexis some time to fall asleep.

The next day, Alexis was at her place behind the counter along with Mary, together they quickly laid out the joints of meat on the counter and slipped the trays of spring rolls, sausage rolls and pork pies into place, ready for the first customers of the day.

As they quickly and efficiently carried out their work, the general manager appeared and introduced them to the latest addition to the the BettaShoppa family.

"And this is the Deli counter, manned.. ahem... Womaned by Alexis and Mary. Ladies this is Michael Nedwell, the new assistant manager."

Alexis looked at the newcomer, he was a tall man, just over six feet tall and dressed in a light grey three-piece suit. She was overcome briefly by the very handsome young man, she estimated him to be about twenty five or twenty six years old, with short cropped curly black hair and smooth, shiny skin of a deep chocolate colour.

She couldn't help noticing how well he filled his suit, clearly well muscled but slim at the waist with broad chest.

His deep voice rumbled, "Ladies. I'm looking forward to working with you."

After the introductions, the manager led him away to meet other members of staff and Alexis found herself unable to stop glancing at him when she saw him as he popped in and out of view down the various aisles.

Once, he looked back at her, nodded his head and smiled before returning his attention to whoever he happened to be talking to at the time.

Alexis felt her face redden and she busied herself with the task at hand.

When there was a lull in service, Mary nudged Alexis in the ribs causing her to look sharply at her, "What?"

In her thick Irish brogue, Mary whispered, "I see someone likes the new assistant manager. He's a fittie all right. Besides, you know what they say about black men."

At least it was what Mary considered a whisper. Nobody knew where Mary had learned to whisper, but one wag had guessed that it was in a helicopter.

"Don't be silly!" snapped Alexis, "I'm sure I don't know what you mean. Anyway, what do they say about black men?"

Her friend grinned, "Lexie's in loo-ove, Lexie's in loo-ove, She wants a daa-ate, with the new bloke."

Once again, Alexis felt the colour rise in her face, "Please don't."

Instantly contrite, Mary reached out a hand to rub Alexis' upper arm, "Oh I'm sorry, Love. I'm only kidding."

The brash Belfast woman was aware of Alexis personal history, "You do know I'm only joking, right?"

Alexis busied herself with a cloth, wiping down the cutting boards at the back of their work area, more for something to do, rather than any need for hygiene and didn't look up as she answered, "Besides, what would he want with someone like me?"

Mary grinned, "You never know. He might have a thing for older women of the more rounded variety."

"Hmph."

It was nearing the end of their shift when Michael reappeared at the counter, "Ladies, I'm going to have a few drinks at the Red Lion over the road after work and wondered if you'd like to join me."

Mary giggled, "You can pack that in! I'm an old married woman."

Michael grinned back showing his pearly white teeth, "I'm not looking for a date, just thought it'd be nice to get to know some of the staff... Outside work I mean."

Mary glanced at Alexis who had retired to the far end of the counter and was industriously ignoring the exchange as she blushed furiously.

"Okay," she said, "Fred can make his own tea tonight. I'll be there."

Michael turned his deep brown eyes to Alexis, "Can I expect you too?"

Alexis looked up briefly, unable to meet his eye and responded quietly, "Erm... No, I'd best not. Thanks all the same."

Mary sighed heavily and rolled her eyes skyward, "What she means is, yes that would be lovely, we'll see you there."

The young man smiled broadly, "Okay. First drink's on me," and hurried away.

After he had left, Alexis slapped Mary on the arm and hissed, "What did you say that for?"

Mary rubbed her arm, "Ow! That hurt, you Bitch!"

"Sorry. But what did you do that for?"

Mary's green eyes flashed, "Maybe I'm just trying to get you out of your shell."

"Well, I'm not going!"

"You bloody well are, if I have to put you in a headlock, run at the wall and drag you over there unconscious!" her expression softened, "Look it's just a few drinks, and we won't be the only ones there... Come on. Live a little."

Some time later, against her better judgement, Alexis found herself being dragged through the double doors that lead into the main public bar of the Red Lion. Mary looked around the room until she saw Michael and one or two acquaintances from the shop. Michael smiled broadly and stood up to wave the two women across. Mary took a seat in the corner leaving the last empty place for Alexis, which happened to be next to Michael.

"Hi," he grinned, "Glad you could make it. What would you like to drink?"

"Brandy and lemonade for me," called Mary.

Alexis smiled weakly, "I'll have an orange juice please."

Michael's brow wrinkled, "Don't you want a proper drink?"

Alexis shook her head, "I... I don't drink."

As the evening wore on, Alexis found herself warming to Michael and also loosening up. In spite of herself, she found herself drawn into the raucous conversations around the table and even giggling at some of the more outrageous and off colour jokes.

Slowly, the group thinned out until the only people left at the table were Michael, Mary and Alexis. Thick as thieves, laughing and chatting.

A rather rotund, middle-aged man with a greying goatee appeared at the table and said, "There you are Mary. Time to getting off home, don't you think?"

Mary smiled, "Gerry, there you are. You staying for one?" she waved at Michael, "This is my hubby, Gerry... Gerry this is Michael, the new boss."

Michael stood up and shook Gerry's hand warmly, "Pleased to meet you. You staying for a drink?"

Gerry smiled, "Go on then, you've twisted me arm. Pint of Theakston's Old Peculiar please."

The younger man grimaced, "Real ale? Bloody peasant!" he grinned, "Why don't you drink something from the 21st century?"

The older man grinned back, "I've been drinking Theakston's since before you were born, and I'll STILL be drinking it after you're gone."

After a while, the bell was ringing as last orders were called and the four people found themselves outside in the cold night air.

Alexis found herself somewhat unsteady on her feet and wasn't sure why, "I feel a bit giddy," she said.

Gerry and Mary made their goodbyes and wandered away arm in arm leaving Michael and Alexis stood in the small circle of yellow light from the security lamp mounted on the wall, just above the doors.

Michael gave Alexis a lopsided smile, "Come on, I'll see you home."

"Oh, you don't have to do that," she replied.

"Nonsense. It's no bother."

As they walked back to her little flat, they chatted. Alexis surprised herself at being so comfortable in his company. She could also not understand why she felt so dizzy and why when she talked, her tongue didn't seem to fit.

Soon they were back at her front door. She fished her keys out of her bag and said, "Thank you for the lovely evening."

Michael gazed down into her face, leaned down and kissed her lightly on the cheek, before he straightened back up and answered, "No, thank you for making me feel so welcome."

Alexis flushed and shivered slightly as his lips touched her cheek. Where he had brushed her skin now felt red hot and she stammered, "Well... This is me. I should let you get off."

He glanced up the street and than looked back at her, "Well. Night then Alexis. See you tomorrow."

As he made his way back to his own home, Alexis continued to look at him, before she shook her head and then let herself into her flat.

As she lay in bed that night, she couldn't help lightly rubbing her cheek where Michael had kissed her. She fancied that she could still feel his lips and almost guiltily, she started to stroke her stomach with her other hand. Even though she knew he was just being friendly, she couldn't help but start to fantasise about what might have happened had she invited him in. Not that she ever thought she could, or even that he would be interested in her in 'that way'... After all, she had at least 10 years on him and she also had no illusions about her own physical attractiveness. A handsome, young and physically fit man like him surely had the pick of women, if he wasn't already married.

But still...

Unconsciously, her hand strayed further down her body and her fingers slipped inside her panties. As she lay in bed imagining his firm, muscular body entwining with hers, kissing her, stroking her, sliding himself inside her.

Her fingers slid up and down her pussy lips and she could feel them swelling and dampening. Her nipples hardened as her other hand stroked and pinched them in turn.

The heat started to build in her belly as she let her finger slide up her pussy lips and start to circle her clitoris. Even as she did that, her other hand moved down between her thighs and she slipped a finger inside herself, pushing it in as far as it would go until it met the barrier of her hymen. Her fingers were the largest things to enter her, she didn't even own a vibrator, too embarrassed to buy one, even on-line.

But still, she thought about Michael, imagining him above her, pinning her to the bed as he lay between her widespread legs pushing his cock into her, taking her, loving her... Fucking her. She couldn't even begin to understand how it would feel, but she knew it would be good. It would be better than her fingers.

Suddenly an orgasm exploded in her womb and she came, soaking her panties and her hands. Slowly her breathing slowed as the waves of pleasure died down and ebbed away leaving her... What? Happy? No... Unfulfilled.

She looked down at her body and a tear formed. She felt empty. Michael, she thought, such a beautiful man. He wouldn't have any interest in her.

Any pleasure she experienced from playing with herself was gone, replaced with despair and emptiness. Sadly, she rolled on to her side, pulled her duvet up to her shoulder attempted to go to sleep.

Strangely, she did. And a lot more quickly than she might have imagined. Alexis' dreams were erotic that night and Michael figured heavily in all of them.

She woke in the morning and had a pounding headache. Also her stomach was churning so she didn't think she could face breakfast, which was definitely not like her.

When Alexis arrived at work, she saw Mary, who took one look at her and expressed some concern, "Jesus, Alexis! You look like death warmed up."

"I suppose so. I don't feel very well. If I didn't know better, I'd say I was hung over."

Mary shrank back slightly with an embarrassed expression, "Ah... Well... Actually, I think you might be."

Alexis' face hardened, "What did you do?"

Her friend brushed an imaginary hair away from her face and murmured, "Well, I may... May have, mind you, accidentally slipped a vodka into one or two of your drinks."

Alexis was aghast, "What were you thinking? You know I don't drink... And you bloody know why too!"

Mary gathered Alexis in her arms, "I'm sorry, Alexis... I know I shouldn't have. It just seemed like a good idea at the time... And you must admit, it brought you out of your shell. I don't remember you ever being so... Animated... So much fun before."

She pulled back, but kept hold of Alexis' arms, looked her in the eyes an continued, "Look I'm sorry. In the harsh light of day it was a stupid thing to do, but hey, you're still here, in one piece. And you must admit, you did enjoy yourself last night."

"Yes, well-"

"Yes well bloody nothing. You had a nice time and you found out first hand that one or two drinks isn't the end of the world. In fact, it can help lubricate the social interaction... So tell me, was there any social interaction after me and Gerry buggered off? Hmmm? Is it true what they say about black men?"

Alexis smiled in spite of herself, "What do they say about black men?, " she shook her head, "Never mind that and don't be silly. Michael saw me home, that's all. He wouldn't be interested in an old woman like me."

"Jesus preserve us! You're not old. You're thirty-fucking-seven!"

Before Alexis could answer, they were interrupted by Michael, "Ladies. How are we feeling this morning?"

He took one look at Alexis and screwed his face up in mock disgust, "Ooh! Don't think I need to ask you."

Alexis felt herself colouring up, "It wasn't my fault... SOMEONE spiked my drinks."

"Look I said I'm sorry," said Mary contritely, "I just thought it was about time you loosened up a little."

Michael looked confused, so Mary explained. After she finished he said, "Well, I'm a bit disappointed that you needed a few drinks down your neck to talk to me, Alexis."

"Oh no! It's not that. It's just that I don't drink."

He looked downcast, "Oh that's a shame. I was going to ask if you'd like to go out for a drink later this week."

Alexis backed away slightly, "Me?"

"Yes, you. What do you say?"

"Oh I couldn't. Sorry."

She hurried away into the storage area. She found a quiet corner and burst into tears. Alexis hated herself. She was so lonely and she found him so attractive, but she had such a low opinion of herself that she couldn't understand why a young man like him would want to associate with her... Unless it was some sort of a game he was playing.

Michael looked nonplussed as Alexis hurried away. It wasn't the result he was expecting. He looked at Mary and shrugged, "What did I say?"

Mary glared at him and asked sharply, "What are your intentions?"

"What?"

"I said, what are your intentions?"

Suddenly quite angry, he snapped, "I like her and thought I'd invite her out for a drink. Not that it's any of your business!"

Mary's expression softened and she raised her hands in a gesture of supplication, "Look I'm sorry. I meant no offence... But there's something about Alexis you need to know... She hasn't had it easy. She's had very little experience of men, at least good ones."

She rubbed the bridge of her nose with finger and thumb and continued, "Alexis is very shy and VERY inexperienced. If she lets you in, it had better mean something to you, cos you can be sure as Hell, it'll mean an awful lot to her!"