Look What the Cat Dragged In

Puss purred out, "Whatever would make you think I was enjoying this?" Then she scooped up his clothes in a single swift motion and threw them as far out into the river as she could. Within moments, the current had carried them far away from view.

Gavin stood up, practically speechless for a moment. Then he saw that Puss was staring at him like a starving man greets a banquet, and crouched back down in the water again. "What--why--Puss, I need those! If this is some prank of yours to get to see me naked, it's in very poor taste! The King will be along any minute!"

Puss grinned, showing a mouthful of sharp teeth. "I know. That's why I did it. I just didn't think you'd agree if I said, 'Excuse me, can I chuck your clothes into the river? If the King sees you wearing them, he'll never believe you're a nobleman.' Plus, it gave me the chance to see your ass."

"Oh," Gavin said, "and I suppose he'll be perfectly willing to believe that I'm noble if I'm naked as a jaybird?"

"Only one way to find out," Puss said. With that, she sprinted up the riverbank to the bridge, shouting, "Help! Robbers! Thieves! Oh, won't someone please help my master, the Marquis de Carabas!"

Just then, a party of mounted men and carriages reached the bridge and began to cross. With a commotion, two of them rode on ahead at faster speed, reaching Puss in a matter of moments. "What's all this about a robbery?" one said. He wore chainmail armor, and the sword by his side had clearly seen a number of battles, yet had been well cared for.

"Oh, it is a terrible thing," Puss said, wringing her hands. "My master, the Marquis de Carabas, was returning from a visit to a fellow nobleman, bringing back the four-and-twenty virgins that he had been given to try to persuade him to marry (for he is much sought after as a husband, since coming of age), and he chose to tarry a moment to bathe in the river, for he is dusty and weary from his long travels." She spoke loudly, letting her words carry to Gavin down in the river.

"And while he bathed, and I saw to the care of the girls, a rascal leapt onto his horse and rode off into the distance with it! I could not give chase (for the Marquis de Carabas' horse is well known in these parts as being the fastest in all the kingdom) and even though it was laden down with his clothes, his armor, his sword, and his possessions, it quickly outdistanced me. Oh, alas!" She sniffled. "Please tell me you can offer him succor and ease his worries, and not simply add to our troubles on this day."

As she spoke, the carriages rolled up to a halt, and a man got out. He wore no elaborate robes, simply the traveling garb of a man clearly used to much harder stretches on the road. Yet the air of command he wore, and the signet ring on his finger clearly said what his clothes did not, and Puss wisely curtseyed to the King. Behind him, she could just see a glimpse of golden hair as Princess Arianna edged near to the door of the carriage to hear the conversation.

"What do we have here?" King Mark asked. "Is this a new wonder that has developed in my kingdom whilst I was gone? Do all the cats walk upright now?"

"Oh, no, sire," Puss said meekly. "I am merely one of the wonders that my master, the Marquis de Carabas, has collected on his travels. I am Arrapata Allegra, the Marquis' major domo and master of his household, but I humbly insist you merely call me 'Puss', as he does. My full name is not for my betters."

"Wonders, you say?" The King stroked his beard, intrigued, as the knight that Puss had spoken to whispered in his ears the particulars of the situation. "I'm always up for a good wonder, how about the rest of you?" There was a general murmur of assent. "What other wonders does he have?"

"Oh, many, Your Majesty," Puss purred silkily. "He has a pile of gold as tall as a house, and a bird that speaks every language of man, and he needs no army, for his castle is guarded by an ogre ten feet tall with a magic belt that turns aside swords! It is only two days' ride, Your Majesty, if you would like to come and inspect it. We would be most honored and gracious for your royal hospitality."

"Very well!" King Mark said. "As you're no doubt aware, this journey is in no small part to find a husband for my daughter, and if your castle is as wondrous as you say, I might have a proposition for your Marquis." He looked down at the river. Gavin looked up at him and waved, feebly. King Mark stepped back into the carriage. "Find clothes and a steed for this young Marquis de Carabas, and send word back to the footmen to escort these four-and-twenty virgins of his along with them. They can catch up behind us."

As with most kings, his men scurried to set deeds to his words, and so it was that Gavin shared a horse with Puss holding on to his waist (and wriggling up against him quite indecently) for many a mile. Gavin ached to speak, but they rode in the midst of the King's men and every time he started to open his mouth, Puss let her claws out of their sheathes just a little, in a place more than just a little uncomfortable.

Finally, as dusk approached, Puss spotted a good-sized house in the distance. "Excuse me," she said to the lead knight, "but that is the Marquis de Carabas' country house! It occurs to me that it might make a good spot for the King to stay the night, even if it is unworthy of such an august personage. May we ride on ahead and inform the servants of his impending arrival?"

The knight nodded, dropping back to inform the King. Gavin whipped up the reins, giving the horse its head and riding quickly. "Look what you've done!" he whispered. "You will get us both beheaded with your lies!"

"I've said nothing untrue," Puss replied. "I've simply ridden ahead of the truth a bit, that's all. It will catch us up apace."

"Nothing untrue? You've called me the Marquis de Carabas, whatever that is! You've given me a country cottage, a castle, a pile of gold and my very own ogre! And that's quite apart from the bird thing, I can't even pretend to understand where you came up with that one. When the king finds out you're lying, we're both for the chop. Oh, why did you have to come up with such stories?" Gavin moaned. "Why couldn't you just dangle your 'lucky stone' in front of his eyes and hypnotize him?"

"Because he's a king," Puss said sensibly. "The king of the land has amulets and warding stones that protect him from such things, and has for many a generation. One too many evil Grand Viziers have tried that little trick for me to get away with it now. No, the King alone is immune to the powers these boots hold, and if I'd tried it, we really would be for the chop. Trust me, this is the best way."

Gavin pulled the reins tight, halting the horse outside a country house. "Best way? Where are you going to get a--a house, and a castle, and a pile of gold, and an ogre and a Carabas?"

Puss rolled her eyes as she knocked on the door. "This is Carabas," she said. "We're in Carabas. What, did your father teach you riding but not geography?" The door opened, and before the startled man inside could say a single word, Puss dangled the stone before his eyes. "Greetings, good sir," she said rapidly. "I am an emissary of good King Mark, who approaches even this very moment, and he offers you this stone in payment for a night's stay. Now, sir, you might think it an unfair trade, but I tell you, this stone has hypnotic powers. Just looking at it sends any man or woman into a deep, obedient hypnotic trance. Think of all the things you could do if you had a stone that was this powerful, this irresistible, this mesmerizing."

The man had already drifted halfway into trance before he could even speak, and Gavin looked more than a little mazy himself. Puss clapped her free hand over Gavin's eyes and continued. "Exactly, sir. The magic of the stone can turn anyone into a blank, mindless, hypnotized slave, make them believe whatever they're told. Surely you can see that?" He simply nodded. "In fact, it would make you believe that you are but the caretaker of this house, watching it for its true owner, the Marquis de Carabas. It would make you believe that the stone is his by right, since you are but his servant, obedient to him in all things. It would even make you believe that since I hold the stone, symbol of the power of the Marquis de Carabas, you must therefore obey me in all things as well. Doesn't that make sense?"

The man nodded vacantly. "Good. I'd like to talk to the other inhabitants of the house now, servant."

By the time the king's carriage arrived, the full retinue of servants (a husband, a wife, and three children) were waiting to greet him. The race to get them all properly hypnotized had quite driven Gavin's questions out of his head--and listening to Puss brainwash five people in rapid succession hadn't helped. But seeing the King brought them all back. "Quite nice," His Majesty said, getting out. This time, Princess Arianna got out behind him, and Gavin's heart leapt to see her beauty. "Beats sleeping rough, eh, daughter?"

Arianna smiled gently. "Father and I are most pleased by your hospitality," she said. The look she gave Gavin suggested that she was far from unhappy with her latest marriage prospect.

"We're most honored by your visit," he stammered out, blushing wildly. "Please, step inside. I'll have the servants fix you something to eat." Beside him, he was aware of Puss looking at him with a little surprise on her face. Really, did she think he'd learned no etiquette at all as the son of a landowner?

But after dinner, when the king and his retinue had been settled in for the night, Gavin returned to the topic at hand. "So what do we do now?" he whispered tightly. "We certainly can't take them to the castle tomorrow! The real Marquis de Carabas will be waiting for us, and even if you do hypnotize him, you can't conjure up an ogre and a pile of gold!"

Puss opened the door and headed out into the night air. "The real Marquis de Carabas is dead," she whispered back. "The ogre ate him, took over his castle, and has been waylaying travelers and stealing their valuables for two years now." She frowned. "I really hope he didn't decide to eat the bird," she said. "I'm pretty sure that one will seal the deal."

"Oh, good!" Gavin said, barely remembering to keep his voice down. "So instead of leading the king into a web of fraud and deceit, we're going to lead him to his death at the hands of an ogre that no sword can kill! Wonderful, Puss, you've outdone yourself."

Puss leapt lightly onto Gavin's horse. "Well, I'll admit I've set myself a busy night, but you'd be amazed at what you can get done over the course of a single night with the thought of beheading spurring you on." She leaned down and licked Gavin's cheek with her coarse tongue. "Don't wait up," she said, spurring the horse and riding into the night. Gavin went back into the house, trying to compose himself. Puss did have her magical hypnotic powers, he thought. Even an ogre couldn't do anything against those.

*****

"Do you take me for a fool?" the ogre roared. "Do you think me some sort of pox-brained, waxy-eared, empty-skulled, addle-pated, thick-headed, sore-encrusted peasant, that you can simply dangle your trinket before my eyes, tell me to stare at it, and I will? I am Harth, strongest of all the ogres that walk in the night! You might have had success with feeble humans, but if this is the best you can think of, kitten, I will feast upon your flesh, whittle your bones into toothpicks to pull out the scraps, and make your skin into a rug for my wall."

Puss winced. She'd managed to deal with the frightened villagers that Harth had terrorized into working for him easily enough; it hadn't even taken much supernatural charisma, merely a long-standing tradition that anyone who defeated the ogre would become the new Marquis de Carabas. (Which hadn't stopped her from using just a little hypnosis to smooth things over and integrate their memories with the story she'd told the King.) Now all that was needed was to hypnotize the ogre...but he was being anything other than co-operative.

"Are you sure you don't want to look at the stone?" she asked. "It's a very pretty, soothing spinning stone, you'd feel much happier if you looked at it."

"No, I wouldn't!" the ogre shouted, rising to his feet from the stone bench he sat upon. His full ten feet of height loomed over Puss. "I'd feel happier grabbing my club and turning you into mashed kitling!"

He stomped over towards the massive greatclub that stood by the fireplace. "You don't want to grab that club," Puss said, keeping her voice low and soothing. She'd been hoping to use the stone as much as possible--an old magician's trick to conceal the true source of one's power--but she'd also been hoping not to have her bones smashed like dry twigs.

"Pah!" Harth's voice boomed out in the great hall. "You've never met an ogre before, have you, little cat?"

Puss bristled at the thought of being called 'little', given that she'd gained five feet of height in the last four days, but when the ogre picked up the club and raised it over his head, almost scraping the rafters of the high, vaulted ceiling, she had to admit that she took his point. "Well," she said, "it has been a while. Your kind generally sticks to the mountains, my kind generally sticks to barns and cozy beds. But I don't recall hearing anything special about you. Let me see..." She held up a hand and began to count on her fingers the things she knew about ogres.

"You're big..." She looked up at him as he stepped closer to her, his footsteps booming on the stone floor. "Check. Ill-tempered..." Harth roared, and Puss leapt out of the way as the club crashed down not an inch from where she'd stood, cracking the flagstones where it hit. "Check! Strong..." She looked over at the fractured stone. "We'll just take that one as read. Stubborn...of course!" she cried out, dodging another blow from the club. "That's what's going on here, isn't it?" She'd actually figured out not just what was going on, but what to do about it; her new plan required a bit of ready wit, though, and it couldn't hurt to hide her light under a bushel just a bit.

"Indeed!" Harth cried out. "We ogres are well known as the most stubborn, most obstinate, most contrary creatures in all existence! Why, in a race between an ogre and a mule, the mule will reach the finish line before the ogre's even set off! None of your whimpering, pleading little 'hypnotic suggestions' will work on me, and if that's the only plan you have, girl, you'd best make peace with your ancestors, for I will be wiping my feet upon your back soon enough."

"So that's why I can't hypnotize you," Puss said, backing up. "Because you couldn't be hypnotized if you tried! Well, then I'm definitely going to need to think of a different plan, because some people are just talented subjects and some aren't, and you don't have what it takes."

The ogre roared again, swiping the club in a flat arc that forced Puss to dive to the ground. "More of your simpering trickery?" Harth shouted. "Come up with all the plans you like, my strength of arm and strength of will can best them all! Oh, I grow so damnably sick of humans, thinking they're better than ogres!"

Puss rolled out of the way of another booming strike from the club. "I'm not human!" she cried out. "Notice the fur? And anyway, humans are better than ogres! I've walked up and down this land for the past four days now, and I haven't met a single human that didn't know how to go into a trance! But when I showed you my spinning stone, you didn't even know what it was for!"

Harth's face contorted in fury. "I knew what it was for!" he shouted. "I just didn't want to be hypnotized by some slip of a girl!"

"Oh, of course," Puss said, getting to her feet and putting a hand on her hip in a mocking pose. "You certainly can be hypnotized, you just 'don't want to'. Why didn't I see it before? It has nothing to do with the fact that the simplest of human children can sink into a deep, obedient trance, and Harth, mightiest of the ogres, can't do it. You just 'didn't want to'."

Harth slammed the club into the ground, leaning on it. "Are you doubting my word?" he boomed. "Are you suggesting for even one trifling moment that I couldn't be hypnotized if I let myself?"

"Suggesting, no. Openly stating, yes." Puss threw her hands up in surrender. "You were right all along. Clearly, I've made a terrible mistake, trusting my survival to a plan to hypnotize a creature that is absolutely incapable of going into even the lightest trance. You might as well go ahead and pulp me with that club of yours, because if the alternative is getting Harth of the ogres to go into a trance, I'm sunk." She sighed. "You just can't hold up your end of things, I'm afraid."

"Oh, yes I can!" Harth shouted.

"Oh, no you can't!" Puss replied.

"Oh, yes I can!" Harth shouted.

"Oh, no you can't!" Puss replied again. Puss hoped she could wrap this up soon, she was starting to feel like a pantomime character.

"Oh, yes--look, I'll prove it to you!" the ogre said, sitting down on the floor. "You show me that little rock of yours, and I'll sink into a trance so fast it'll make your pretty little head spin!"

"Well," Puss said, letting the stone unwrap from around her wrist again and dangling it in the air, "I'll show it to you, but it's not going to do one little bit of good. I certainly doubt that you'll be able to follow it with your eyes, for example. You just don't have the skill to keep them utterly locked onto the motion of the swaying stone no matter where I swing it."

"Oh, yeah?" Harth said, his anger now replaced by smug confidence. "Just you watch, I'll focus on it perfectly!"

"Yes," Puss said, in a somewhat mollified tone, "it does appear that you're following the motion of the stone pretty well. But that's only the first part of hypnosis. I know that you can't listen to everything I say and let it sink into your mind, for example. You can't become sleepy, and I highly doubt that your limbs are managing to become heavy and relaxed."

Harth rested his chin on his knees, following the motion of the stone perfectly. "Yes I can," he said softly, his tone losing its inflections and becoming smooth and neutral. "I'm becoming very sleepy, now. Very, very sleepy."

"Well...alright, I'll admit that you've managed to master most of the elements of hypnosis. But there's one trick you'll never manage, no matter how hard you try. It's just not in your nature. You'll never be able to become perfectly obedient to my will, sinking so deep into trance that you must obey my every command, now and forever. Humans can manage it, but you..." She sighed. "I just don't think you can do it."

"Oh, yes I can," Harth said.

"Oh, no you can't!" Puss replied.

"oh, yes i can..." Harth sighed out softly.

"Oh, no you can't!" Puss replied.

"oh! yes, i can," the ogre said in astonishment.

"Oh, yes you can," Puss said with a smirk. "Now, Harth, I'd like to talk to you about your Master, the Marquis de Carabas..."

*****

And so it was that the King entered the castle of the Marquis de Carabas the next morning, with the Marquis himself (and his unaccountably tired major domo) by his side. He was most taken with the mighty ogre that guarded the gates, yet spoke with courtly etiquette, and with the spontaneous and raucous celebrations the peasants were throwing that day. He saw for himself the pile of gold more than twice the height of a man, and even chatted in the southern tongue with the bird (which looked a little bedraggled, but spoke quite prettily.) Before the day was out, the arrival feast had become a wedding feast, and Gavin took oaths with Princess Arianna in the eyes of the local priest. He spent the evening with his new father-in-law and the knights (as was the custom, in those days), and returned home in a fine state of happiness. He bounded up the stairs to his bedchamber three at a time, thinking of nothing but the moment when he and Arianna would lie together as man and wife...