Looking at the Sun

He dipped his head to try and look at the cover of her book, "What are you reading?"

Sienna held up the book. Pete grimaced, "Oh, I couldn't get into that."

"I'm struggling with it too. I'm halfway, so I am just going to push through."

Sienna went back to reading. Every now and then, she sensed Pete looking at her, and then looking away again. After about five minutes of this, she finally put down her book, and said gently, "Pete, if you want to say something, just say it..."

Pete went beet red, "Oh. Uh, no. Nothing. I was just thinking... it's nothing. I better get back inside. I'm kinda getting burned anyway. Sorry."

Pete jumped up and practically ran back to the house. Sienna felt bad. Oh shit. Was he about to tell me he has a thing for me? She checked the page number in her book and chucked it into her bag.

When she walked into the kitchen, Pete was sitting at the counter, flipping through the newspaper.

"Hey, sorry about being a bit of an ass just now. I just noticed you kept looking at me, and it felt like you wanted to say something. I didn't mean to be pushy."

Pete shrugged, "It's ok." Then, with a look of resolve on his face, he added, "You weren't wrong though. I... um... I just wanted to ask you what Hannah likes to do... uh, you know, on dates..."

"Oh... OH!" Sienna smiled, "Cheesy movies. Boot up one of those sports movies with long emotional arcs. That'll get her every time."

Pete nodded, "Ok. Ok. I can do that. What about—"

"SIENNA!! SIENNAAAAAA!" Hannah burst through the front door.

"Yee-ee-s?" Sienna said quietly as she watched Hannah stride into the kitchen.

"You'll never guess who we ran into!!" Hannah was grinning, "Sasha! We saw Sasha in town with her girlfriend... uh, Stacey?"

"Anastasia," Sienna corrected.

"Yeah. Sorry. I'm horrible with names. I remembered the "sta"... anyway, we ran into them, and they might join for dinner!"

Sienna stared at Hannah, "Are you insane? Hannah! How could you?"

Hannah looked confused, "What? I thought you'd be happy! You'd been saying how you wish you had spent more time with Sasha when you were both home over Spring Break... and how shitty that was? What did I miss?"

"I knew you weren't really listening to me. Spring Break was a shit show because Anastasia kept inventing reasons why Sasha couldn't hang out. Sasha and I would make plans and then I'd get a text from her saying something came up. That's what I meant when I said I wish Sasha and I had hung out more."

"Oh."

"What happened?" Amy jumped up and sat on the counter, "Hannah said you guys know Sasha from high school?"

"Yeah. Hannah and I have been friends with her since kindergarten, actually," Sienna explained, "She brought her girlfriend home for Spring Break. When Sasha introduced us, it was immediately clear that Anastasia did not like me and it just went downhill from there."

"She met you and she didn't like you?" Amy swung her legs back and forth, "Why?"

"I made a joke about Sasha going out with blondes. It didn't land the way I thought it would."

Amy laughed, "You are blonde! Doesn't that mean you have immunity for blonde jokes?"

"Apparently not. Soooo. If they show up and I'm there, I might end up with a drink in my face."

"I told them you were here. Anastasia seemed fine. We'll just sit you and her at opposite ends of the table."

"I know! Pete can be your date," Amy offered, "Right, Pete? You can play the part? That way, if Sienna needs to bust a move, you guys can make up a post dinner date or something...."

Pete nodded, eager to help.

"Pete, you do not have to do that. Just don't say I didn't warn you guys."

By the time the five of them arrived at the restaurant, they all felt like they were gladiators walking into the Colosseum. Hannah convinced Sienna it would be worth trying to mend fences with Anastasia. Sienna appreciated her friends' support, but mostly, she just felt like hiding back at the house.

Initially, it seemed as if the whole thing would be theoretical, as the clock crept towards eight with no sign of Sasha and Anastasia. But just as the group was about to start ordering, the pair arrived. Anastasia looked like she was ready for the runway at Fashion Week: her hair fell in golden waves around her shoulders, her dress was flowy and revealing in all the right places, and her make up seemed flawless. She was wearing a pair of heels that made Sienna's calves hurt just looking at them.

Sienna kept her face frozen with a half-smile, and tried not to roll her eyes. Not because Anastasia was so put together, but because she seemed so out of place -- everyone in the restaurant was in casual summer gear; Sasha was wearing a faded polo shirt, shorts, and the perennial baseball hat atop her head.

Even with the heels, Anastasia was still a good six inches shorter than her girlfriend, which was apparent as Sasha stood behind Anastasia, looking over the blonde's head as they sought out the right table.

Hannah waved them over, and Steve jumped up and offered Anastasia the open seat that was the farthest away from Sienna. Pete introduced himself and Sienna waved hello. She received a stilted nod from Anastasia in return. Sasha walked around the table towards Sienna, who reluctantly got up to greet her friend.

"Hey you!" Sasha wrapped Sienna in a huge hug.

"Uh, yeah, hi, Sasha," Sienna patted Sasha on the back and sat back down as quickly as possible. All eyes turned to Anastasia, who looked like she had swallowed something unpleasant. The table's first attempt at conversation was thankfully interrupted by a very cheerful waiter who asked if they were ready to order.

"Let me stop you right there," Anastasia said imperiously as she gestured to Sasha and herself, "We won't be ordering. We have another engagement somewhere else in half an hour."

Sienna raised her eyebrows.

"Oh, that's too bad," Hannah said. She turned to the waiter, "The rest of us can order though."

As the waiter took down the table's orders, Sienna glanced at Sasha, who was telling Hannah about the dinner party they were about to go to. The beak of Sasha's baseball hat bobbed up and down as she talked. Sasha's eyes looked bluer than usual against her sun-kissed skin. Bet she forgot the sunscreen again. Sienna missed her childhood friend. They started to drift apart during Senior year of high school after Sasha came out. It was as if Sasha felt compelled to live a whole new life that was unrelated to anything that existed before. It didn't help that Sasha's first girlfriend, Valerie, insisted on monopolizing all of Sasha's time.

"How are you doing?" Pete asked quietly.

Sienna smiled at him, and placed a hand gently against his cheek, "You are very sweet to ask. Not the disaster I thought it was going to be... yet."

Sasha caught Sienna's gesture out of the corner of her eye and nudged Anastasia, "Hey, now you can make fun of Sienna dating a blond too!"

"She wasn't making fun of me being blonde. She was making fun of you and that's not okay." Anastasia snapped, loud enough for Sienna to hear.

"Hey, she makes fun of me just as much," Sienna threw back, too angry to remember to correct Sasha's erroneous assumption about Pete.

"We always have, it's our thing." Sasha said as she tried to placate her girlfriend. It became abundantly clear that it was exactly the wrong thing to say.

"Sasha, can I talk to you for a moment? Alone?" Anastasia stood up and walked towards the bar.

Sasha muttered a quick "Sorry," and left the table.

"Anastasia, what the fuck?" Sasha asked, looking back at the table with more than a little embarrassment.

"All these "things" you have with Sienna. The Wolverine thing, the Massachusetts thing, the swimming thing. And now this making-fun-of-each-other thing."

Sasha sighed, "For the hundredth time, we grew up together, what do you expect? And I haven't swum since I busted my shoulder. Sienna is actually really awesome if you give her a chance. Why are you so fucking sensitive?"

Anastasia crossed her arms, "I'm not. You are the one who's being insensitive. You know I don't like her. And you know she hates me. No -- don't shake your head. She pretty much took my head off just now. Why did we even have to come here?"

"Because it's for thirty fucking minutes, for the love of Christ. I want to see my friends for thirty minutes, okay? Then we can go to Georgia's thing."

"I'm going to go now. Just meet me there. Don't be late."

"You guys okay?" Amy smiled congenially as Sasha and Anastasia returned to the table.

"No. We are not okay." Anastasia sneered, "But here we are anyway. What's that they say? 'Time flies when you are having fun?' Sadly, time is definitely not flying."

"Ana! Come on." Sasha pleaded.

Anastasia grabbed her bag and shawl. "Don't be late," she repeated as she strutted out without another look back at the table.

Sasha threw an arm up in frustration. "Sorry guys." She stood up and followed Anastasia out. Sienna could see them walking past outside, Sasha arguing vociferously as Anastasia stomped ahead.

"Can I get anyone more drinks?"

Five people looked at the waiter and said, as one, "YES."

Chapter 4: And Then Her Charmed Eye Release (Junior Year - November)

The pounding on her dorm room door was interspersed with someone twisting the door knob without success.

"I can hear you! Who is it?" Sienna shouted as she pulled yet another pair of pants out of her closet.

"It's Erin, come on let's go -- we're going to be late!"

Sienna rolled her eyes, unlocked her door and went back to her closet.

"Sorry it took me so long to get ready," Erin began as she entered Sienna's room. When she saw the destruction wrought by Sienna's indecision, however, she smiled, "I see I shouldn't have rushed. Uh, dude, what's going on?"

"Something casual," Sienna mumbled to herself, brushing her hair out of her eyes, "But not too casual..."

She pulled on a ratty button-down shirt and turned to Erin, "What do you think, too casual?"

Erin sat on the bed, "For the party? You decided to carpet-bomb your room with the contents of your closet for Alex Mak?"

"It's a simple process of elimination..." Sienna said defensively, "Mel kept us late for practice, so I had less time to think about this than I thought I would. Help me find something to wear... Oh my god, whoever is knocking, just COME IN!"

Hannah came through the door and surveyed the scene, "... and what do we have here?"

"She's in her 'process' of figuring out what to wear for Alex's thing."

"That's tonight?"

Erin nodded, "Yeah, pretty much the whole swim team is going. Some went straight from practice. You want to come?"

Hannah shook her head. "Much as I'd like to watch Sienna wrestle this demon, I can't. I'm going to a movie with Pete. Sienna, can I borrow those earrings that I like?"

Sienna nodded, "Go ahead. I should have guessed you guys had a date when he said he wasn't going to Alex's thing!" She flung yet another shirt onto the pile of rejected apparel on the floor.

Hannah looked through the small case on Sienna's dresser, "You know you can show up in a garbage bag and most people fall over themselves to make a pass at you, right?"

Sienna kicked at the pile of clothes, "It can't be too obvious."

Hannah rolled her eyes, "Sienna Logan. That ship has sailed."

"It's not about catching her eye, Hannah," Sienna took off the shirt, "It's about telling her the truth... without looking foolish, and I'm going to need all the help I can get."

"You are just going to walk up to her at the party and spill the beans?"

Sienna glared at her friend, "No... I'm going to wait until the end of the party. Until then, Erin's going to help me act all cool and stuff, like I don't give a fuck..."

Erin crossed her arms, a smile fighting its way to her lips, "When actually, how many fucks would you give?"

Sienna smiled dreamily, "Oh, many, many fucks... I would give an earth-shattering number of fucks..."

"I don't get it," Hannah said as she put the earrings on, "You spent your whole freshman year ogling her when she was your swimming captain, you spent hours upon hours of practice with her and you never said anything to her. Then, you run into her all over the place after she graduates, and you still say nothing to her. Now you want to tell her that you've been staggering under the weight of an enormous crush on her?"

Sienna sat down on her bed, "I've never said anything explicitly, but it's not like I haven't tried! It's just backfired spectacularly every time."

"When?"

Sienna hugged a pillow and buried her face in it. "Freshmen year, and then last summer. I brought flowers to her room freshman year... at your suggestion, by the way. She was blasting some god-awful house music so I knocked really loudly, and a woman's voice -- probably Olivia's -- shouted, 'Go away! We are having sex!'"

"Oh yeah. I'd forgotten about that... at least it left no room for misinterpretation!"

Sienna directed a mock smile at Hannah, "How comforting. Thanks."

"Just for the record," Erin piped up, "Everyone thought Olivia was horrible. No one was surprised they broke up. What happened last summer?"

Sienna blew some hair off her face, "Like everyone, I heard she had broken up with Olivia... so when I saw her at The Spotted Cat with Annie and the gang, I kinda threw myself at her. Which was super embarrassing because her new girlfriend was sitting there, watching the whole thing... and I didn't figure it out until Jess introduced herself to me. It was mortifying."

Erin frowned, "So maybe because of that Alex already knows that you have a thing for her?"

"Maybe. But I never apologized, or explained myself. I just need to get it off my chest. Have her tell me to go pound sand, then maybe I can move on."

Hannah nodded and pulled two items from the mess on the floor. "These -- wear these. Understated, but highly optimal for sand-pounding."

"Good to know you have my back, H. Have a good time with Pete tonight. I'm glad he finally asked you." Sienna put on the proffered sweater and pants, and stuffed her feet into a pair of boots.

"I asked him. I got sick of waiting. What's up with you swimmers being shy about this kind of stuff? Thanks for the earrings. Hey, I've just had a thought. Have you talked to Sasha about this? Maybe this is like, standard lesbian drama."

Sienna shook her head, "No. Remember what happened over Labor Day? I am not breaking radio silence. I don't need to deal with another Anastasia meltdown."

Hannah shook her head, "See? Standard lesbian drama."

"Can't pay me to go anywhere near it. Self-preservation or whatever. And what's to talk about? It's not like this thing with Alex is real. And the thing with Sydney was just a thing. None of it is real. Jesus, I am so pathetic."

Erin shook her head, "Heartbreak Hotel. Standard college fare, I think. Character building!"

Sienna grunted with resignation, "Come on, let's go build me some character."

The three headed out. Sienna mulled over Hannah's suggestion of talking to Sasha. I wouldn't even know where to start if I were to tell Sasha any of this. I don't even know what to make of this dream-and-or-crush thing that I've had for Alex. There's no point.

Sienna paused at the dorm's front entrance, "Has this ever happened to you? Someone who's able to throw you for a loop like this?"

Hannah shook her head, "I've had crushes, but not like this. I know, sorry, not helpful. I'm going to head over to Jefferson East to meet Pete. I'll see you later."

Sienna and Erin continued walking towards the subway station. "If you sense that I'm about to do something stupid, please stop me."

Erin grinned, "It's a Friday night; most people will end up doing something stupid."

By the time the train pulled into the Christopher Street stop, Sienna was starting to have second thoughts.

"Ok. This was a bad idea," Sienna suddenly stopped when the two were steps away from the restaurant.

"We absolutely do not need to go in," Erin said gently, retracting her hands into the sleeves of her coat as the early winter chill bit into her skin.

"Ok," Sienna looped some hair behind her ear, "Let's go somewhere else."

Erin gently patted her friend on the back, "No problem. Where do you want to go? How about that falafel place on West 4th?"

Sienna nodded.

"Hey Sienna! Hey Erin!" A mutual friend from Alex's class came strolling up.

"Hi Jo," Erin responded, "We were just going to grab a bite to eat."

"You guys aren't coming to Alex's thing?" Jo tilted her head towards the restaurant.

Erin looked at Sienna, who shrugged and kicked at some imaginary dirt on the sidewalk.

Jo narrowed her eyes and said, perceptively, "Why don't you just come say goodbye. You are here anyway. Takes two minutes. It might feel worse if you leave now and end up regretting it."

Sienna nodded, blushing with embarrassment. Does everyone know about this?

Sienna, Erin, and Jo stepped into the restaurant. The maître d' pointed them to the back, where a long table was jammed into an alcove. People were good naturedly climbing over one another -- or under the table -- to get around. Alex was squished into a corner, beer in hand, laughing at Annie, her best friend, who appeared to be in the middle of an animated retelling of some drama or another.

Michelle, another mutual friend, had commandeered a table nearby and waved the three over. "Food's coming for both tables, I can't be bothered to tetris my sizeable behind into that mess."

"Where's Jess?" Sienna asked as casually as she could, when she noticed that Alex's girlfriend was not at the restaurant.

Michelle frowned, "Hm, sore subject, Sienna."

"Trouble in paradise?" Erin shot Sienna a look.

Michelle shook her head, "Don't really know what's going on, except that Jess was supposed to be here... and isn't."

Sienna stole a look in Alex's direction. Alex seemed happy enough. Once again, Sienna found herself wondering what strange cosmic aberration threw Alex into her imagination's orbit. Hannah was right: Sienna was drawn to Alex but she'd never had the audacity to really get close. It was as if she knew that Alex might fade into nothing, just like her dream.

Not for the first time since knowing Alex, Sienna was relieved for the distance, and relaxed a little. The party doubled as a swim team reunion, so the satellite table was a spirited one. As the party started to wind down, Sienna stole a look over to Alex's table.

Alex was wiped. She stretched out her leg on an empty chair and leaned back, resting her head on the wall behind her. She'd been cramped in a corner for the past couple of hours and was relieved that people were starting to say their goodnights.

"Al, we're going to put Ian in a cab. Be right back. We can settle up then."

Alex looked up and nodded at Annie. Ian did not look like he would wake up happy the next day, but he gamely saluted Alex before being half carried out by Annie and Jo.

Sienna saw her chance, and slid into the chair next to Alex, "Hey cappy."

"Sienna," Alex said warmly, "Thanks for coming."

"You all packed?"

Alex shifted her head a little, "Almost all done."

"Jess is stuck in the UK?" Sienna's curiosity got the better of her.

"We're not..." Alex winced, "...she didn't fly over," she finished simply.

Sienna's heart leapt with hope. The rumors were true? Alex and Jess are on the rocks?

Alex changed the subject before Sienna could say anything, "Sorry we didn't get to chat more earlier on. I was kind of stuck in this corner all night."