Looking Back

The way I see it is that I put up with it when you needed a lot of sex, and I didn't, so surely you can put up with it now that I need more than you can give."

I had made all of my points, and I could see he was actually thinking about it.

"So you never considered telling me that you wanted to try some different things, right?" he said. "And you never considered just telling me that we needed to do it more often. I'm in far better physical shape than Will. Anything he could do I could do better. Maybe it's like you said though, you just wanted someone different."

It was as if he was having the entire conversation while working things out for himself.

Then he looked up at me and smiled. "Well you won't have to worry about my boring fucking anymore," he said.

"Ken, that isn't what I wanted," I said.

"Because you and I won't ever be fucking again," he continued.

"No, Ken, you don't understand me," I said angrily. "That isn't what I wanted at all. I'll just stop, if you want me to."

"No need," he said. "I was going to have Paul deliver these when he got them fully finished but here, take my copy." He reached inside his jacket and handed me some folded papers.

"What are these for?" I asked.

"Maddie, you used to be a teacher," he said. "I'm sure you can still read."

"Ha ha ha," I said. "Of course, course I can read." I looked on top of the dresser and found my reading glasses. As I put them on Ken stepped into his closet and started looking around. He grabbed some of his clothes. I was too shocked by what I was reading to notice what he was doing. He left the room and came back a few moments later. This time he had a duffle bag with him, and he started going through his drawers.

"Ken ... why are you doing this?" I asked him through my tears. "I don't understand. I explained it all to you. I put up with what you needed ... why can't I have what I need?"

"Because they are completely different situations," he spat. "As you said, when we were younger, I probably wanted more. However, I had to settle for what you wanted to give me. But even then, I loved you so much that I didn't do what you did. I didn't go out and find someone else to have sex with. I didn't supplement our relationship. I just took what I could get because I loved you."

He had a point. I had never considered that.

"Do you remember when you hated my habit of wearing my work shoes in the house?" He asked.

"Yeah but what...?" I began.

"Remember me leaving the toilet seat up?" he asked.

"Well ... yeah but..." I asked.

"Remember me going to the strip club after work with the guys?" he asked.

"I didn't like that," I spat.

"Exactly!" he said, as if he had made some sort to point.

"Exactly what?" I asked.

"Whenever I do something that you don't like or there's something you want me to do; you've never had a problem telling me about it. And any time it was something you felt strongly about, I changed. Why didn't you give me that chance this time?" he asked.

"Because I..." I began. "I ... I..."

"Because you just wanted to go out and fuck someone else," he said. "And as usual, I'm giving you what you want. This way you can go out and fuck whoever you want, whenever you want. There's a whole huge world out there and half of the people in it are men. Now I won't be standing in your way."

"Ken, you've never been in my way," I said. "This is all just a mistake. It's a misunderstanding."

"No, it isn't," he said. "You have all the facts, Maddie. You know everything that's going on. You knew about Chelsea's lack of interest in sex. You knew about it enough to talk about it with Will, but not enough to talk about your needs with your own husband. I'm sorry but you just seem only to know enough to get what you wanted. You seem to be incapable of keeping the vows we took when we got married so I'm releasing you from them."

"But that isn't what I want at all," I said.

"And I don't want to be married to a cheater," he said.

"But I'm not a cheater ... am I?" The lack of conviction in my voice sounded weak even to me.

"I filed for the divorce under the no fault law," he said. "We split everything fifty/fifty. I want this to be as easy as possible, Maddie. I am not giving you my house. It has been in my family for almost a hundred years. However, at the same time, I don't want to see you hurt or go through any hardships, so you can live here until you die or begin your next relationship. Of course, I can't control who you end up with, and I'm not interested in doing so. But you are not allowed to bring any of your men into my house. I will have someone look in on the property from time to time. If you ever break that stipulation you will be thrown out of the house immediately."

"Ken, I don't want a relationship with anyone except you. You're carrying this whole thing too far," I said. "It was only sex. You and I are supposed to be forever. But now after forty years you want to bail on me."

"Actually, Maddie, you bailed on me; you shut me out so you could..." he began.

"It was only sex, okay?" I said. "I told you I was wrong. But sex is what, Ken? I fucked Will two or three times a week while you were out running. You run for a longer periods of time than Will, and I spent together. Let's say that Will and I were together for twenty minutes a day three times a week. That all adds up to one fucking hour a week. You're the math specialist. There are a hundred and sixty eight hours in a week. A hundred and sixty seven of those hours, I'm focused on you."

"But..." he said.

"But nothing," I spat before he could finish. "I spend more time during each week having sex with you than I do with Will too."

"I was going to say, but I never agreed to share you or have a part-time wife," he said. "Once again, again you never gave me the chance to even have an opinion on it. You started this without my input or consent. Because you knew that I wouldn't have gone for it."

"I've already told you that I would stop," I said.

"What and go back to boring sex with me?" he asked. "I could never force that on you."

"But Ken, I love you. I don't want us to be apart," I said.

"And that's the problem Maddie," he said. "I loved you so much that when I saw you with Will, I snapped. I'm glad you stopped me because if you hadn't, I'd have beaten him to death. My anger was like a white-hot flame. However, it burned away every trace of love I ever had for you. And even if I could somehow get the love back, I could never trust you again. You're better off with Will. Just don't be stupid enough ever to bring him in my house, or you'll be homeless."

"After you die, or can't take care of yourself, the house goes to Matt and Kate if they want it. After them, it goes to my brother, Ben's kids," he said. I realized that he had purposefully excluded Dylan.

"What will I tell Matt and Kate?" I asked.

"Do what you usually do," he said. "Make up something, that while it ignores all of the facts, lets you do whatever you want."

I went through it all alone. I watched helplessly as the man I loved more than anything walked out of my life. He packed only the things that he thought were absolutely necessary. His Mustang didn't have much room in it. I wondered where he'd go and where he'd live.

I hoped that he'd fail and have to come back to me. The next morning I lied and told the kids that the problems at Ken's job had gotten so bad that he had to go out of town. I'm not sure whether they knew that something was wrong or not, but the next few days were like pulling teeth. I tried to pretend that everything was normal. I'm sure that my pain shone through.

Dylan knew. He also knew that he was partially to blame. For a twenty-year-old man, he acted remarkably like a child. He started telling his parents that he wanted to go home. On some levels, I couldn't blame him. He had always been very close with Ken and knowing that he had lost his Grandfather hit him hard.

Chelsea came to see me a few days after Ken left. She was in tears. Will was in the hospital. He had run off of the road and crashed his old truck into a tree. He was lucky that a local farmer had found him pretty quickly.

She told me that he had broken several ribs during the crash and also had bruising all over his body. The main problem was that the accident had exacerbated a pre-existing problem that Will had been suffering from for years. Will had been on the edge of a heart attack for some time. His blood pressure also was very high. Apparently when Will crashed, the damage to his ribs caused his heart to stop. That meant that his brain didn't receive blood for a bit too long and as a result Will was in a coma.

Chelsea only came home long enough to change clothes and to let Ken know about Will's condition. I told her too that Ken was out of town on business.

Matt and Kate took Dylan home to Chicago. They promised to return for Christmas if not sooner. I spent the first few days without Ken, at the hospital supporting Chelsea.

I felt a sense of guilt about what had happened to Will. I also felt bad about telling everyone the same lie, but I told them all that he was out of town on business. Only his lawyer, Paul, knew the difference. Paul was prevented from saying anything by lawyer/client confidentiality.

Over the next few months as Will wasted away, Chelsea and I became better friends. I tried to be the best friend to her that I could be, mostly out of guilt. I knew that I had been the reason her husband was in the situation he was in.

From talking with the doctors, I'd found out that they believed that Will would have had the heart attack even if Ken hadn't almost beaten him to death. His ribs had healed and the damage Ken had done to him was forgotten, so at least Ken would be spared the guilt of knowing he had put his best friend in the hospital when he came back.

I knew within my heart of hearts that Ken, and I would see each other again. When Christmas rolled around, I was forced to admit to the kids that Ken had left me. I didn't actually tell them the ins and outs of the situation. I just told them that we were going through something that we needed to work out.

Surprisingly, they accepted it. I could tell that Matt, was upset at Ken for leaving me. Kate, on the other hand, simply said that she was sure that Ken had his reasons. That led to the two of them almost getting into an argument about it.

While they were with me for Christmas, Dylan came into my room one evening. His parents were out, and it was the first time we'd been alone in a long time.

He reached out and grabbed my breast, and I reacted. I spun and punched him in his stomach as hard as I could. He vomited all over the floor.

He looked hurt. "You have no one left to blackmail me with," I spat. "You've already cost me my husband or at least helped me to lose him. You also helped to tear our family apart. Dylan your grandfather has completely left you out of his will. If he were to die today, everything he was leaving you would go to your cousins. I'm alone every night. I will never cheat on him again. Not with you or anyone else."

It was a nice speech. I wished that I had given it to someone else before I lost my husband.

A short time after Christmas, almost a year after Ken left me; Matt and Kate divorced, too. I heard from both occasionally. They both tried to convince me to let Dylan visit me. I usually made up an excuse why he couldn't.

Dylan's life continued to spiral out of control. He flunked out of college. He couldn't keep a job, and he seemed to be constantly getting into trouble. Will finally died, but Chelsea had already taken up with another man that she met at the hospital. He was a paraplegic. He had no feeling below the waist. She moved him into her house, and the two of them were very much in love.

I had tried dating a few times, but I didn't really click with anyone. To tell the truth, I didn't want anyone except Ken. After while I noticed that no one wanted me either. I put ads on several the Internet dating sites, but no one responded to them. I did have sex a few times, but they were men who were desperate. Not only was the sex unsatisfactory, so was their company.

My situation was so bad that it forced me to think about my life and where I'd gone wrong. I was a lonely old woman who had ruined her own life. I didn't even want sex anymore. The funny thing about it was that from the time Ken left me, my cravings for sex had simply dried up. Those few times that I'd done it, had been more out of curiosity than desire.

I also realized that even the things I'd done with Will had only been good because I had Ken. I could have lived without Will, but living without Ken was killing me.

When he'd been gone for a little over three years, I looked into the mirror and didn't recognize myself anymore. I looked like a pathetic old woman. I had always looked and acted far younger than my actual age. But I found myself suddenly looking older than I was.

And then it all went crazy. I got a call from Matt. I hadn't heard from him in months. I wasn't able to get to the phone, but he left a message. His voice sounded awful. He was all choked up, and he wanted me to call him back as soon as I could. He told me that if I couldn't call him to call Kate.

Before I could call him back, Kate was at my door. As I looked at her through the glass window of the kitchen door, I noticed that the face my husband could never stop staring at was drawn and tight. Her expression radiated pain and sadness. Everything about her told me that the divorce had been hard on her.

That seemed odd to me because the decision to separate, had been a mutual one.

As soon as I opened the door she was in my arms almost knocking me down.

"Kate, Honey, I'm an old lady," I said. "You can't go slamming into me like that. You might break one of my fragile old bones."

Her look of concern made me regret the attempt at a joke. That compassion was another thing that Ken had always loved about her.

"I was joking, Kate," I told her. "What's wrong?"

"It's Dylan," she wailed. The tone and the pain in her voice was something that only a mother could manage. It conveyed despair, sorrow, and desperation all in those two words. It left me wondering what the hell my grandson had done this time.

I had hardly laid eyes on Dylan since that time almost four years previous when he had come into my bedroom and I punched him in the stomach. But the things I'd heard made me glad of it.

Over the years, I'd come to realize that I'd been sick back then. It turned out, as I'd told Ken, to be a medical problem. I'd been suffering all along from a hormone imbalance. But instead of going to my doctor, I had treated myself and lost my husband in the process. I knew that it was mostly my own fault, but I blamed Will and Dylan too. I especially blamed Dylan. Will was dead, so blaming him got me nothing. There was also the fact that Will wasn't family. If someone offered a starving man food, he would eat it. Will had been starving for sex. So when I offered it, the fact that I was his best friend's wife didn't matter.

But Dylan was family; he not only betrayed me by blackmailing me, he betrayed the grandfather that he supposedly loved. And even after we'd been caught, and he saw how hurt Ken was; the little bastard tried to put a move on me. I could still remember knocking the shit out of him, and that dumb assed look he had on his face when I did it.

"Mom, Dylan has it," whined Kate.

"Dylan has WHAT?" I asked. I was certain whatever IT was, that IT wasn't a job. The boy had been using guilt over the divorce to squeeze money from both of his parents. The part they seemed to forget was that Dylan was over twenty one when they divorced. He was an adult.

"My baby has that cancer that runs in the family," she wailed. My blood went cold.

"Mom what am I going to do?" she cried.

"We'll get the best doctors they have," I said. I reached out to hug her. I wished in that moment that I could take some of her pain away. However, I only felt that way about Kate. Dylan was still a snake as far as I was concerned.

"Mom, can you get in touch with Dad for us?" she asked. "Matt told me that Dad saved his brother by giving him bone marrow. He has some sort of antibodies in his bone marrow that helped to keep it dormant for a while."

I just looked at her blankly. "Can't they use Matt's bone marrow, or one of Ben's kids could do it," I said.

"Matt was already tested," she said. "He's a close match, but he doesn't have the antibodies. I'm a double negative. I don't have the DNA or the antibodies. And Ben's children are both daughters. Apparently, this thing only manifests in the males."

By the time she got done telling me about Dylan's condition, and what they had done so far, Matt had arrived. I had to admit it; my son looked like hell. At forty-six years old, Matt looked almost exactly like his dad. The problem was Matt is twenty two years younger than Ken.

Ken looks good for a man in his late sixties. But Matt just looked old. He saw Kate and went to her. They hugged, and Matt told her that everything would be alright.

* * * * * *

Ken

Somehow it just never got old. No matter how many times I woke up, I smiled. It wasn't like before. I could never go back to that. I could never go back to being a fool.

I moved the leg that was thrown over me to the side just a bit, only to have it snap back to its original position or very close to it. Even in her sleep, Miranda seemed reluctant to let go of me.

"Where ya goin'?" she mumbled sleepily.

"Sun's up," I said. "I'm going for my run."

"I'll go with you," she said, sitting up in the bed. As she wiped the sleep from her eyes and stretched, she took my breath away.

Her heavy breasts jiggled a bit as she rubbed some circulation back into the same arms that had been wrapped so tightly around me all night. She looked up suddenly and caught me staring at her. She smiled showing me the dental work that I was still paying for. I averted my eyes.

"S' okay, Dummy. You're supposed to look at me," she grinned. "I like the way it makes me feel when you look at me. When you stop looking at me, I'll get upset."

"I just don't ever want you to think that..." I began.

"God, what a dummy," she gushed reaching out to hug me as tightly as she could. "You're not like that. No one has ever treated me the way you do. Things were getting pretty bad for me before you stumbled into my life. Have I ever told you..."

"Every day," I said. "And I love you too. Randa, you gave me back my smile. I didn't think I would ever be happy again until we..."

"Are you ever going to let me finish a sentence?" she asked. "I was going to tell you a new fact about the life of Miranda."

"I'm not sure I can believe anything you're about to say," I told her. She looked at me with a confused look on her face. I grabbed her and pulled her to me. I had forgotten how easy it was to frighten her. However, after the life she'd had, who could blame her.

"You don't even know how to pronounce your name correctly," I told her. "Your name is not "Miranda," it's "MyRanda." Don't make me correct you again."

"You're the only one who calls me that," she said, beaming. Her smile lit up the darkened room.

"I'd better be," I said in mock anger.

"Kenny ... No one else wants me," she said quietly.

"Randa, are you high?" I laughed. "Have you ever looked in a mirror?"

"They don't want me, Dummy," she said, pulling me even closer. "They just want to fuck me.

"You mean like I did last night," I smirked. That got me a sharp punch in the stomach.

"Ken, I'm not sure you even know how to fuck!" she laughed. This time, echoes of my past pierced through my happiness. I remember how boring I'd been told sex with me was by the woman I had thought to spend my life with. It still hurt.